2001-09-22 08:32:31 Debbs
OMG!!! My kindergarteners can function on a computer better than that!!! Hope you can have a restful day today. Enjoy those dove bars. have you tried the snickers cones? They are AWESOME!!!
2001-09-22 12:26:48 Emerald Dragon
What a hetic day to say the least !!! Hope that the weekend provides you nothing but the quite and comfort of home and the company of good friends.
---End notes---
2001-09-22 23:00:16 Adult education
Survived another week mano a mano with prick boy. I think I forced him to back off when I tracked down a quicker way for really remote correspondents (like the two we have in Islamabad now) to access the 'Net and file stories. Spent most of today watching TV (the Orioles suck, but it's Cal Ripken's swan song season, so it's interesting) and getting dribs and drabs of news. I'm leaning toward taking a trip to NYC next month. Hotels, restaurants and Broadway shows are hurting, and therefore have great rates. I'll likely be able to see any play or musical I choose, and stay at a 4-star hotel for less than half the normal rack rate. This will be a trip just for me, without Wayne or Mom. More time to myself, to do some of my favorite things. There's a good chance I could get to see "The Producers," the top Broadway show, which previously was sold out through next year. Anyway, Wayne and I are still haggling over where our road trip will be. In conversation with Mom this evening, she said Rachel (her only grandchild and my niece) is terribly homesick at college and wants to go back to San Francisco from Long Beach, where she just started attending Cal State last month. Ken, who is her dad and my brother, has been talking to her by phone twice daily to try to convince her to stick it out. I know EXACTLY how Rachel feels. I was horribly homesick in my three quarters at Northeastern University. I was away from home for the first time; my roomate and I did not get along; I was struggling through huge classes and impersonal teachers; I hated the cafeteria food, but couldn't afford to eat anywhere else; I hated going from being the smartest person in the class to just another bright student; I hated having to work so hard for mediocre grades. Frankly, I don't know how I lasted as long as I did. I spent hours running up huge phone bills (this was well before the breakup of AT&T) talking with my parents, my boyfriend, my friends back home. I wanted nothing more than to be back in my room on Irving Street. In a roundabout way, that homesickness worked to my advantage.I had chosen Northeastern U. because of its cooperative education program. A bachelor's degree took five years, because after freshman year, students did internships in their chosen field for two quarters, then took classes on campus for two quarters. So the school got me a paid internship at United Press International in the National Press Building in D.C. from June through December 1971. While there were some very rough spots during that time (including a trauma that would be a defining moment for the next eight years of my life), I mostly enjoyed working. I enjoyed leaving at 7 p.m. and knowing I didn't have to think about work until 11 a.m. At college, there was always something I should be reading or studying or researching, even on vacations. I took the long way to get my degree -- 11 years and 7 colleges. I would not recommend it to anyone. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, but it takes a very motivated, dedicated, hard-working, eye-on-the-prize, physically and mentally fit person to work full time and go to college full time. I could not do it now; I could not do it if I had a family at the time. So like any loving adult, I want to spare Rachel the pain that I went through. But I can't. All I can do is be supportive and tell her it's not a bad thing that she's not ready to leave home yet or go to college full time. What I'm trying to say is this: If Rachel leaves Cal State before she finishes her first semester, that'll be sad, disruptive and disappointing for her and her dad. But it won't be the end of the world; she won't be ruining her life. Going to school straight through in four years (or, in my father's case, two years) is only one way to get an education and a degree.kasey@byteme.commore stream-of-consciousness TK
2001-09-23 22:17:27 Headline here
Even when I tell myself I'm going to stop watching endless rehash of Sept. 11's events, I still get sucked in more often than not. Two struck me personally, and helped me see what might have been going on during the darkest of the squid days. NBC has been showing several times its interview with with the CEO of Cantor Fitzgerald, Howard Lutnick. Cantor Fitzgerald's (www.cantor.com) main HQ was in the World Trade Center. It is believed that 700 of its 1,000 employees were killed in the terrorist attacks. Lutnick taken his son to his first day of kindergarten, and thus was not in the office when the attacks hit. During the interview, he is a broken man. He sobs, he wails, he sputters, tears stream unwiped down his face, he can hardly form a coherent sentence. (More about borderline abusive interviews later.) In short, Lutnick was behaving exactly the way you would expect someone who had suffered such an horrific loss. I'm sure anyone around him (if there is anybody around him who is not similarly distraught) could see he is in no shape to even mail a letter, much less make decisions about his now-decimated company. Anyone could see he needs help, major medications, and someone with him 24/7 until he can get his mind around what happened. Without such care, and maybe even with care, he could become dysfunctional, catatonic or psychotic, and probably suicidal. On Friday, I was watching "Today," and Matt Lauer was interviewing New York City Fire Commissioner Thomas Von Essen. (http://www.nyfd.com/ or http://www.nyc.gov/html/fdny/html/home2.html) As you know, from 200 to 350 firefighters are believed dead in the WTC collapse. Von Essen, as fire commissioner, must deal with inexplicable death of people he knows and cares about all the time. But this, like with Lutnick, as beyond anything anyone could have imagined in his worst nightmare. Von Essen is well-dressed, perfectly coiffed, and answers Lauer's questions succintly but accurately. He is well spoken and calm. I'm sure people came away from that interview thinging Von Essen is dealing with the tragedy very well. But I saw a zombie. I saw a man who is simply going through the motions, who is on autopilot. He looks and acts "normal," something that is impossible to define given his situation, simply because it's all he knows how to do. I'm more worried for Von Essen than I am for Lutnick. Von Essen is in the kind of state where he will get up one day, get dressed, say goodbye to his family as he does every day before going to work take a subway to the Empire State Building and fling himself off the top. Von Essen is acting the way I was acting over the winter, when I was horribly depressed, badly medicated, anorexic and sleep deprived. I was working on automatic, sleepwalking through the pain. My fear was that if I stopped long enough, like say, take a few sick days, I'd be overwhelmed by the squid and I'd do something really bad. This whole terrible thing has stirred up a lot of feelings in all of us. Everything we've taken for granted is turned upside down. Things that no fiction writer could think up have occurred. The human toll is horrifying beyond comprehension. The economic damage has affected hundreds of thousands more. I'm grateful that my tiny, pathetic little life has suffered minimal disruption. My job is secure; my family and friends are safe; my co-workers are around to make me crazy for another day. I've been extraordinarly fortunate these 49 years. I suspect I have very few left (don't panic; I've known for a long time that, because of my weight, my depressive episodes and my family history of heart disease will catch up with me well before the 85 years of life expectancy I've been statistically granted), but that doesn't make me sad. There are only a few things I still want: a lot of sex; retirement; sex; chocolate; trips to the Caribbean, Australia and Europe; and, of course, sex.************************* There were way too many interviews with shocked, devastated people on the TV these past two weeks. At some point, shouldn't a producer or something with a concern for humanity say, "Stop this!" What do viewers gain from seeing some poor bastard at the worst moment of his entire life and have some blow-dried media whore ask, "What are you feeling right now?" One day, someone will pull herself from the depths of her despair long enough to respond, "How the fuck do you think I feel, you pea-brained, microphone-sucking shill for corporate evil?"kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2001-09-24 08:41:55 Asteri
I understand you, I want to go to Europe, have sex, chocolate and of course, more sex. :P
2001-09-27 15:19:34 Freedoms Wings
It is a sad time....
---End notes---
2001-09-28 22:39:11 Geek love
The keyholders suggested writing an interview with oneself in the style of a favorite magazine. Here is my imagined interview, done in the style of the New York Times Magazine.***********************Even before she reaches her desk, Kasey Jones is besieged with requests for help by desperate people."How do I e-mail an attachment?""My story is locked.""I'm getting all kinds of weird error messages.""My computer doesn't like me.""I think I opened a virus."Jones answers each question curtly and accurately, and stumbles to her desk. There, she must deal with dozens of voice mails and e-mails."It's like being a doctor, without the prestige, respect or huge salary," the self-described geek bitch sighs.*******************Yes, Kasey Jones, newsroom systems editor, is a healer. Often, just her laying on of hands will coax a balky word processor or spreadsheet back to working order. Jones takes a biological view to her job."Windows, and to a lesser extent, the Mac OS and Linux, are life forms," Jones says without a hint of sarcasm. "They have intelligence and personalities. As with any life form, one must first listen to what it's saying. From there, communication flows, and the OS will tell you the solutions."A rare view for a fairly rare character. Middled-aged black women are few and far between in the information technology world. And this is a second career for Jones. Her bachelor's degree in English from a tiny commuter college in Connecticut coincided with her career as a newspaperwoman.Jones is not WYSIWYG. She believes people look at her -- tall, very overweight, with chin-length dreadlocks, dressed in jeans and workshirts -- and see welfare mom, food stamp con artist or lifelong clerk-typist. A stereotypical project dweller or trailer trash or lottery ticket dreamer.People usually lose that picture the minute Jones speaks. Her words, while often too loud and very profane, are painfully correct English, spoken carefully and precisely, modulated to maintain the American neutral accent she so carefully cultivates. Polysyllabic words trip easily and obscure cultural references will leave all but the most quick-witted gasping in her literary dust.She can be funny as hell. She can also bring down a man at 20 paces with one blow of her tongue.This woman does not suffer fools gladly. Jones thinks anyone less smart than she is a fool. And her IQ makes her smarter than 90 percent of the population.That makes for a lot of fools in Jones' life.***********************"Answering a suicide prevention hot line would be easier than giving tech support to 400 journalists," Jones says. She has just helped a colleague in California who claimed his laptop's modem wasn't working. The problem was he did not have the phone cord plugged into the wall. And that was an easy one. Jones gets calls all hours of the night from all over the world. Many of her colleagues (she bitterly calls them (l)users and cow-orkers), in their ignorance and frustration, have so confused the OS on company laptops that little short of re-installing Windows will fix the problem.Other get hysterical and cannot follow Jones' instructions. "Those are the worst," she says. "All I can do is shut up and listen to them rant themselves to exhaustion. Then, they'll listen to me."On calmer days, it's love-hate thing. Jones wants to be needed, but hates needy, helpless people. "Sometimes I think they want me to do every mouse click for them," she says of her charges. "I made a conscious decision not to have children. Now I have 400 'special' children."************************Jones is also kind, generous, sexy and sensitive. On a good day, she sees herself as soft, cuddly, very feminine and very loving. She hunts eBay for soft, senuous lingerie in her size. Never mind that no man has seen her this way in years. Jones, on a good day, is also optimistic.This softer verison of Kasey Jones can be seen in the way she talks with her friends. She is funny, caring, solicitious, thoughtful and concerned. She will give a friend $100 cash if she needs it. She will bring chocolates, cookies and donuts to the office to share. ("Only a few people say thank you, though," she grumbles.)The most remarkable change takes place when she talks with a special friend. It's a visible softening that takes place, with a room-brightening smile replacing the scowl. Jones' voice goes up a few octaves, and she becomes coquettish.Jones did not expect a man to be in her life ever again. A divorce so bitter that she can only refer to her ex as "rat bastard" and an affair that left her heartbroken made looking for love a low priority in her life. Better to scramble up the career ladder, build up savings to invest, own a home, and take exotic, tropical vacations. It was a comfortable life, and Jones thought this was a good as it gets. Who'd have thought, that at age 47, this fiercely feminist and independent woman, who tries to be so completely in charge at work, would fall, giddy and surprised like a schoolgirl, in love? More unlikely, how could a black girl from the D.C. 'hood in find anything in common with a middle-class white boy from upstate New York? "Despite our beginnings and current surface appearances (Jones is a tall, dreadlocked, black chick with an attitude, and the object of her affections is a slightly shorter middle-aged white guy), Wayne and I are very alike now," she says with a smile. "We both have a strong sense of resonsibility, we both value truth and justice above all else, we're both journalists who have bounced around the country for a while, and we both love music and travel and good food." Jones allows has it's been scary and fun to feel love flutters again. Would she say her life is now complete? She laughs derisively, the scowl returns, and the bitterness resurfaces. "I've always believed that my burden in life was that I would never be or have 'normal.' As a child, I had a black parent and a white parent, so that wasn't 'normal.' I went to parochial school and had to wear a uniform, and that wasn't 'normal.' I spoke the queen's English, and that wasn't 'normal.' "This relationship I have now with Wayne is not 'normal.' We are closer than friends, but not as close as lovers." Meaning? "Wayne won't put out," she says. "I am stupid enough to fall in love with the one man in the country who needs very intense emotional connnection to enjoy sex. He's a man. He's supposed to want sex however he can get it." And while Wayne loves her, he's not in love with her. "A-yup," Jones says, imitating her putative gentleman friend.********************* It is nearly three weeks in the attack on the U.S. Like most journalists, Jones has been run ragged, keeping computers running and colleagues functioning. She and her friends talk and laugh when they can, but mostly, for Jones, life is an endless conveyor belt of malfunctioning machines, malfunctioning co-workers and malfunctioning relationships.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2001-09-28 23:01:40 Asteri
Excellent article. :)
2001-09-28 23:52:27 Under Disguise
Hail Queen Kasey! Hail!
2001-09-29 08:56:31 Emerald Dragon
A never ending totally amazing woman in all the things you are. Great story. Hope your weekend is filed with joy.
2001-09-30 10:09:07 Debbs
just dropping by to say hello and keep in touch. I enjoy your entries so much and thank you for your comments in mine. I wish I had your knowledge of computers. I would be one of those people you would have to help all the time. :(
---End notes---
2001-09-30 22:26:22 Having a life
Had an active, productive, people-oriented weekend. No lounging around in my nightgown for two days like I usually do. Saturday Ann and I went to the fairgrounds for the Sugarloaf crafts show. Her hubby had gotten us two tickets. But when we got there, only the boat show was evident. Ann checked the tickets and discovered they are for next weekend! Talk about two dumb broads! So we went to this adorable little cat boutique and got catnip and knickknacks, then went to lunch at Ruby Tuesday's. We spent a lot of time talking and laughing. It's so good to get together with women friends. Ann was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis two years ago and for a while lost nearly all use of her hands. She's been taking interferon, she's in remission and has regained the use of her hands. Such good news. Saturday evening I talked with Sharon. Her mother, who is 74, was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and underwent a radical hysterectomy on Wednesday. It was minimally invasive and she's back home. The cancer appears to be contained. More good news. Today Wayne came over and dug a shallow ditch along my driveway into which he will pour concrete and place cement blocks to even it up. That will patch the hole that I fell in this spring. Tomorrow, he'll come over while I'm at work and pour the concrete AND sand down a sticking door. What a man! He does so much for me. I took him to dinner Sunday night and gave him a CD by Tenacious D. I had seen them on Letterman last week and thought Wayne would like them. Turns out he also had seen them on Letterman and liked them, but didn't have any of their CDs. So psychic Kasey was right again. I also got Wayne to give me his clothing measurements in case I decide to get him a shirt or a kilt (yup, a kilt; more about that another time) for Christmas. Wayne said he was thinking about getting a new suit and wanted me to go with him when he does. I still have NEVER seen him in a tie or anything fancier than a sports jacket, khakis and Dockers. So I had a social weekend, but got no chores done. Will have to parcel them out during the week. I hope things calm down at work, but that seems unlikely. We have two reporters in Pakistan and three more on standby to go there in case the U.S. takes any action against the Taliban. John and I have many laptops to reconfigure and many users to train. Hope everyone here had a joyous weekend.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2001-09-30 22:56:21 Asteri
I'm glad you had a social weekend and that you enjoyed it. {{{Hugs}}}
2001-10-02 01:11:16 peacemaker
thanks you are correct no puppies for T.
2001-10-02 12:23:21 Solo
I'm so pleased to hear I'm not the only one to spend weekends in my nighty ;)
---End notes---
2001-10-02 22:40:39 Front row seat in hell
Prick boy and I had another contretemps last night, and the squid has grabbed me again. don't panic. i feel bad, but not bad enough to hurt myself. i am not writing this to upset anyone. if i do descend beyond this, Wayne has instructions to drag me, kicking and screaming if necessary, the psychiatric units at one of two prestigious hospitals here. i slept fitfully for about two hours this morning. i spent the rest of the morning in my recliner, cats on my lap, too depressed to move. i finally gathered all my strength, got dressed and went to radio shack to get parts for equipment that sparked the argument. i went to the grocery and got dove bars. i still need a serial cable, but i'm too sad and tired and teary to drive to compusa. i had starbucks fuel, but my stomach hurts. i've taken my meds and multivitamin, but i can't stomach any food. it is of little comfort to me that i'm right and prick boy is wrong. he's a sadistic manager, and he sees my weakness and abuses me. i'm good at my job, and everyone seems to be happy with my work except him. unfortunately, prick boy's supervisors don't see him for the psychopath that he is. it's easier for everyone to blame my well-documented depression than his role in exacerbating it. right now, i hate myself, and i hate my life. right now, i don't see any good way out of this. i can spend the next 10 years working for a psychopath, or i can quit or be fired, run out of money because no one will hire a middle-aged woman with a history of severe depression. either way, i'm condemned to a living hell. this link (http://www.aafp.org/afp/990315ap/1500.html) provides a very good overview of suicide ideation, which is what i'm doing now. i don't have the means to do anything, and i don't have what clinicians call co-morbidity of substance abuse. but this is what i see as the only way out of 10 more years of mental abuse inflicted by a madman against whom i can no longer defend myself. my friend, my family, my cats, the lovely abode, all lose their appeal if i have to spend two weeks out of every three months in a major depressive episode incited by a deranged supervisor. i am incapable, or barely capable, of doing my job now. i cannot see a solution to this problem other than ending my life. i know that ridiculous. i don't have a plan like i did in the winter and i don't have the means, or frankly, the energy to carry anything out. short of committing me (which would only keep me hospitalized against my will for 72 hours) i'll ask my therapist about a partial hospitalization program. these programs have the advantage of daily supervision to make sure i eat and take my meds. i would also get daily group therapy, and, i hope, occupational therapy to help me get back in the state of mind so i can work and not be driven insane. who knows? maybe galen has other ideas. i feel like i'm babbling now. my judgment is so impaired that i'm not sure i'm doing the right thing. i promise: not to do anything drastic to keep my appointment wed at 2 p.m. with galen to take my meds to check my e-mail occasionally and answer the phone (isolation is a really bad thing right now) to try to eat and sleep i know (but i don't believe; there is a difference) i won't always feel this bad. i know, but don't believe, that i won't lose everything. my hope, which i know is ludicrous, is that i won't wake up if and when i fall asleep. i'm so weak, letting prick boy do this to me. geez, you have no idea how much pain i'm in now. kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2001-10-02 22:49:42 Debbs
((((((((jane))))))) Please know how important your soul and being is. You sound so very competent in your job...could you possibly find another job? I am concerned about you.
2001-10-03 08:23:39 Asteri
Hey, if you only knew how much I admire you in every aspect of your life. I'm certain you can get a similar or even better job if you start looking for it. No one, especially you, deserve the kind of treatment prick boy gives you. You definitely don't have to spend 10 more years tolerating that. I hope that by the time you read this, you're already feeling better. {{{Big Hugs}}}
2001-10-03 08:58:56 Under Disguise
((((((((kasey)))))))))) take good care hun.
2001-10-03 15:16:45 Toyota
The partial hospitalization sounds like a good idea. My husband had to do that for awhile and it really did help. I am not going to claim to understand all I can do is tell you that I am here if you want to talk. I am going to email you my phone number and anytime (I mean anytime) that you feel you want or need to talk I am here.
---End notes---
2001-10-03 17:44:10 Update
wish i had something more concrete (cement?) to report. met with AME for personnel. she asked what job i would like to have and i said the copy desk, either metro or features, seemed the most logical. she said (and i agree wholeheartedly) that it would be a shame to waste my computer skills. she didn't think there was any suitable place for me in IT (i've heard that department also has a psycho for a manager). I said how my favorite job had been on the features copy desk, that i loved reading about theater and TV and movies and music. she said she would talk with the top editors on thursday and get back to me. she said she really had no idea what would be decided or when. my thoughts after: i don't think they're going to fire me or force me to take a buyout. one of the copy desks seems my most likely destination. or, they could say everyone has problems with his/her supervisor, so i should suck it up and get back to work. as i was leaving the newsroom, a user comes up to me, arms outstretched, and says, "My savior!" he was a first-time laptop user and i had helped him file last week from NYC. (he had been clicking the right mouse button rather than the left. sheesh.) i will never understand how so many people think i'm good at my job in systems, yet i'm about to lose it.******************** kept my appointment with galen, and because i'm in bad shape again (told him about suicidal ideation and limited ability to eat) that we'll meet twice a week for a while. so i'll see him tomorrow. he was not too keen on the idea of partial hospitalization; he says it's for people way worse off than me (a scary thought). but he did understand my wanting it, because I cannot just sit at home. i want to work, i NEED to work, and four hours of treatment daily would make me feel that i was working to get better. galen said he was willing to certify that i cannot work for prick boy anymore. that would keep me on sick leave until my company finds another place for me. frankly, i'm not willing to take that step yet. i know it's depraved, but as galen pointed out before, if i stay home, i'll torture myself, so i might as well go to work and be tortured. at least i'll feel productive and useful. an appropriate legend for my tombstone: "I can't waste time lying here! I have work to do!" so that's how things are right now. i will be on sick leave for the rest of the week. my inclination now is to go back to work on monday (yes, under prick boy) until things are arranged for me to have a new gig or til prick boy drives me to full hospitalization. i'm turning into a root vegetable just sitting and moping at home. thanks, everyone, for your support. i will get through this.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2001-10-03 22:28:25 Asteri
Why don't you let Galen certify you can't work under prickboy's supervision anymore? I do agree, partial hospitalization would be nice for you, I was there for 10 days (7 hours per day) and I learned a lot in there. Get well soon dear.
2001-10-04 09:09:39 Freedoms Wings
Oh dear! I miss a few entries and I miss out. I'm going back. Sorry to hear that times are tough. I'm thinking of you. (Former ^..^)
2001-10-04 13:23:35 Fyresetter
you're too creative not to work. i tought that was funny about the tombstone saying, though. hope you will feel better soon
2001-10-04 23:11:24 Manduhsmomma
I just read the awesome magazine article you wrote on yourself and loved it! Hope you feel better soon - the world needs you and your amazing talent! :)
---End notes---
2001-10-06 01:27:23 Nothing new
Still nothing new to report. AME left voice mail that nothing had been decided, and that after Monday she and the two key editors will be out of town at a convention. I doubt a decision will come on Monday. This is creating some anxiety. It seems to be a no-brainer to move me to the copy desk. Perhaps finding a replacement for my current job is the problem. Getting someone with my computer skills who is willing to work for prick boy won't be easy. Talked with Mom, told her about current troubles. She wants to punch prick boy in the nose. Finally ate a real meal this afternoon, my first since Sunday. Went to Appleby's and had clam chowder, chicken fried chicken, mashed potatoes and veggies. Ran a few errands. Will take pix of stuff I'm going to sell on eBay. Saturday, will hit craft fair with Ann. Back home in time to see Cal Ripken's last game on TV. Might try to go to movies on Sunday. Wayne will be over on Monday to finish driveway work, and he always makes me laugh and forget about my troubles for a while. Probably will try to drive south to see Mom or Sharon near end of week. In between will try to read, see movies, get house in order and in general keep busy. Inaction is my enemy now.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2001-10-08 03:21:39 Freedoms Wings
*hugs*
---End notes---
2001-10-09 14:14:48 Life goes on
I was hit with chills early today. Most menopausal women get hot flashes. Me, I got so cold i was shaking from the inside out and my teeth were chattering. i finally dived under my electric blanket and set it to high and i got warm after about an hour. I had a great day Monday, although it started out on a major bummer. The AME for personnel called and said, essentially, I'll have to go back to working for prick boy. She claimed there is no place to put me (even though the copy desk is woefully shorthanded) and that she doesn't think "we've tried everything yet." She did promise to have Steve limit communication with me to mostly e-mail. He will also be required every Monday to give me a list of tasks he wants me to complete for the week. The list will also go to the AME so she can be sure prick boy isn't being abusive or unclear. This is not what I want, but I have to work for at least 10 more years (and probably longer, the way the economy is going) before I can escape. So I'll try to make the best of it, and take time off as needed. Anyway, Wayne came over in the afternoon and finished patching my sidewalk. He did all the work while I wactched and talked with him. We hit Chili's for dinner then did a couple of minor things around the house. During his move to a new apartment in March, Wayne uncovered a bread machine that his co-workers from his previous job had given him as a going-away present. He had lost track of it when he moved here. So he has an unopened bread machine. I asked to borrow it; I'm going cook as part of my rehabilition, if one can call dumping ingredients in a bread machine and soup pot cooking. Hey, it's move fun that basket weaving. I also took pictures of stuff I'm going to sell on ebay. I'd like to have the listings up and the auctions finished before I return to work on Monday.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2001-10-09 16:41:08 Emerald Dragon
I have to agree that dumping stuff in kinda cheats at making bread - but oh the smell in yur home as it bakes. Delightful. Enjoy being the baker. HUGS
2001-10-09 18:14:13 peacemaker
KJ you have a very mature and realistic attitude about the resolution that the paper offered. Hang in there, I can smell the bread from all the way up here! I would put on 20 # if I started cooking bread again. Wayne is a lucky man.
2001-10-10 11:26:44 Debbs
Well I sure call that cooking. I call anything cooking that doesnt come from freezer to microwave. I was so hoping that you would have a different job by now. But you are handling it very well. You are such a strong person and one that I am glad to know. Be well, my friend.
---End notes---
2001-10-11 23:12:30 Working on relaxing
I've been getting better and better at this time off thing. I've been sleeping a lot, but I've been pretty productive as well. I made black bean soup and garlic herb bread. Yum. I also sold nearly $400 worth of stuff on eBay that had been cluttering up my closets. Of course, I also bought a lot of stuff, so the clutter will return. Saw Galen, my therapist, Wednesday and Thursday. He said I was not ready to return to work and I need to take at least another week off. I was really disappointed to hear that. (I know, I'm sick; let me tell you, workaholism ranks right up there with chocoholism in difficultly in kicking the habit.) But I agreed to stay away from work next week. Galen also reminded me that I need to get exercise. It would improve my physical and mental health. I'll start walking a few blocks at a time around the neighborhood for the next several days. Newly creative with food, and needing a way to thank Wayne for all the work he did on my house, I prepared a gift package: quart of homemade soup; loaf of freshly baked bread; raspberry salsa and blue corn tortilla chips; and a little box of fancy chocolates. I saw Galen Thursday at his other office, and to get to it I have to drive past Wayne's neighborhood. So I e-mailed Wayne the night before and asked when he would be getting up. He said he had a doctor's appointment at 2 p.m. and said it was OK for me to let myself into his apartment to drop off the goodies. So I finish my appointment with Galen, stopped at McD's for lunch, and missed a turn so I had to drive nearly two miles around. I arrive at Wayne's apartment at 1:50 p.m. and I see his car in the parking lot. So I park next to it and wait, figuring he'll be dashing out. At 1:55 p.m. I call his apartment on my cell phone. No answer, but he usually turns the ringer off. So I go into his building and ring the doorbell to his apartment. Wayne opens the door. He clearly had just awakened and gotten out of bed, although later he sent me an e-mail claiming he had been awake a full two minutes before I rang the bell. "Don't you have a 2 o'clock doctor's appointment?" I said. "Yup." "Isn't it five minutes to 2?" "Yup." "You're not understanding a word I'm saying, are you?" "Yup." So I went into his apartment, put the food in the fridge and on the counter, gave Wayne a pat on the back and pushed him in the direction of his shower. He mumbled something like "You're too good to me" as I left. I should have taken advantage of his sleepyheadedness (is that a word?) and pushed him back to bed, with me crawling in after him. Wayne thanked me in an e-mail this evening, and said he was looking forward to trying the food after work -- except for the raspberry salsa. Wayne is a very, um, eccentric gourmand. Among the foods he won't eat are onions, bananas, raisins, oysters, hearts of palm, nuts, sweet potatoes, asparagus, cauliflower, cheese, mint and peas. I had dutifully noted that when I prepared the soup and bread. But had forgot to mention he has a dislike of all things berry. ARRGGH! I had peach salsa as well; I wish I had known. I'm going to set aside a partition on my hard drive just to keep track of his food fetishes. And don't get me started on the state of his apartment! I've seen crack houses that were neater.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2001-10-12 08:53:21 Under Disguise
hahaha! sounds yummy!
2001-10-12 12:53:07 Asteri
I'm glad you're feeling better. Enjoy those days off. I too had the same thought regarding what you did to Wayne. LOL {{{Hugs}}}
2001-10-12 12:54:39 Freedoms Wings
You are so funny at times. I hope you can find a way to kick the habit so to speak. Lots of good vibes g/f.
2001-10-12 22:03:10 peacemaker
send that berry salsa up to PA. I agree with Galen re the exercise. It will give you a sense of control and mastery if you stay with it. It is a long term investment.
2001-10-15 12:54:50 Emerald Dragon
I have found that walking is not only great exercise it allows me to think and resolve issues with out distracting me from other important tasks. Enjoy the time for yourself ! HUGS
---End notes---
2001-10-15 18:50:41 The rest of rest
I'm carefully following doctor's orders: eating, sleeping, hydrating, taking meds and spending time with people. On Saturday, I visited my mother: We had lunch, I helped her with a few computer issues and we watched TV. Then I met Sharon and we had a fab seafood dinner and got caught up on each other's live. I got home at 10 p.m., used the bathroom, and the toilet clogged again. I called Wayne at work and asked him to bring a toilet plunger (I still hadn't bought one). He came by around midnight, with plunger and heavy-duty drill, to finish work on a door and the fireplace. I actually felt, not guilty, but, I dunno -- lucky, I guess, because Sharon complained so bitterly about how her husband is unhelpful around the house. I call Wayne, a single man who probably could be doing any number of things after getting off work on Saturday night, and not only does he bring the tools I need, he anticipates other needs. Whenever he leaves here, he always asks if I need trash carried to the curb, for example. I have a close relationship with a kind, thoughtful man, a relationship that some married couples envy, and yet I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. When I first went to see Galen, my therapist, in January, I said one of the things that I was sad about was my belief that I had to end my friendship with Wayne. I was in love with Wayne; I guessed, correctly, that he wasn't in love with me, and that it would only hurt me in the long run to continue to be close to Wayne when he wasn't giving me everything I wanted. Galen thought it was vital that I maintain my friendship with Wayne. He said the kind of friend that Wayne is, who I can call in the middle of the night and he'll rush over with Dove Bars or toilet plunger or groceries, is a rare and wonderful thing. And I really was ready to end the friendship when I finally confessed my love to Wayne. He said then, and has proven it since, that he doesn't have a problem being close to me even though he knows I want more from him. I've read a couple of things lately that make me think this still isn't good. From a woman on alt.suicide.holiday to the man who is in love with her: You have every right to feel angry, jealous, andslighted ... especially since I never really discouraged you from tryingto get close to me, even though I knew what you really wanted. And this from Savage Love, addressing a man who only wants sex from a woman who keeps telling him she wants more: When you tell someone you want a more meaningful relationship and that person keeps coming around, it's only natural to assume that the person is at least open to the idea of building a more meaningful relationship. Since you aren't open to that idea, by continuing to come around you're allowing this woman to assume something that's false. So, yes indeed, you are being dishonest--and cruel. I'm not going to push this issue with Wayne anytime soon. My judgment continues to be impaired, and my overly active and heavily medicated mind deludes me as often as it guides me correctly. I am trying very hard to live in the moment. If there is anything I want to take away from the events of September 11, it's to enjoy what I have now. Thinking too far ahead, trying to plan every possible scenario and have a plan for dealing with it, is counterproductive and futile. No one can predict the future. I've always said and believed that, but September 11 proved how sometimes we can't even imagine, can't even dream, what the future holds.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2001-10-16 08:56:03 Under Disguise
girlie, Im so proud of you! your really trying hard on this! I'm so glad. its good to see the good in you again.
2001-10-16 14:02:46 Freedoms Wings
That is so true. ( from another on medication and a the edge of the abyss)
---End notes---
2001-10-21 00:35:15 What, me worry?
Wow, I didn't realize it's been nearly a week since I posted. I guess I'm having too much fun. Have been eating, reading, uncluttering the lovely abode and spending way too much money, which leads to more clutter. I bought a $200 wicker chest to store all the handbags and briefcases I bought on eBay, and I STILL don't have anywhere to put some of them. I did have one small triumph. I have obtained registration of the domain kaseyjones.com. I pried it from the cold, dead fingers of the cybersquatter who snatched it up two years ago. There's nothing there yet, not even e-mail, but I will have it set up by the end of the year. Finally got the perpetually clogging toilet replaced. The plumber did it on the side inside of going through the outfit he works for. I got new toilet installed for $180; it would have cost $325 had I gone the traditional route. My niece, who is having trouble adjusting to college life and living away from home, will be coming here to visit Mom and me on Thanksgiving. Her dad and his girlfriend will arrive here the Friday after. They'll all stay about a week. It'll be hectic: Rachel has her other aunts to visit; Helen has her sister and brother-in-law to visit. The sis and bro-in-law moved east in August to start their new assignments at the Pentagon. Yes, they were there on 9/11. They escaped unharmed. I will head back to the Nightmare on Calvert Street on Monday. I've not been in the building since the anthrax attacks on media outlets in Florida and New York. I'm told that security has been tightened (yeah, bring in more of those minimum-wage rent-a-cops) and all employees are required to display their ID badges on their person at all times. Previously, the office had been ID free once you got in. My beneficient employer has not yet received the lanyards with the company name, so I'll wear one with a competitor's name. Hee hee. One day last week, the mayor got word from the FBI that an anthrax attack might be planned in Charm City. It never happened, but my office and many others barred the doors and wouldn't let deliveries (mail, FedEx, pizza, flowers) be made for the day. As if I weren't anxious enough about going back to work. Further adding to my anxiety, Wayne is out of town all this week visiting relatives in North Carolina and doing a seminar in Virginia. AND my mother is driving to visit her relatives in New England for the next two weeks. So my two strongest supporters won't be around. I guess I'll really be going it alone. Send positive thoughts my way on Monday afternoon. Be well and be safe.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2001-10-21 12:04:36 Manduhsmomma
Hope all goes well for you. Keeping my fingers crossed x.
2001-10-22 06:28:07 Manduhsmomma
I consider your comment a great compliment as well, coming from someone as talented as you. Thanks. :)
2001-10-22 12:53:16 Emerald Dragon
Sending you positive thoughts for a great day.
---End notes---
2001-10-23 00:21:27 Back to where I once belonged
First day back at work was tense, but uneventful. John L. took the day off, so I was truly without support, with Wayne and Mom out of town. Prick boy sent me an e-mail shortly after midnight with a huge list of mostly stupid things to do. It's busy work. It pissed me off at first, but I figure, I get paid the same no matter what I do, so I'll try to chill. I spent three hours Monday morning getting some of the stuff done. It's mostly taking my short, concise, clear instructions for laptop use and expanding them tenfold so that they're bloated, unclear, confusing and useless. Fine. Back in the beginning of my career, I got paid by the word, so I can make anything longer. Two techs took pity on me and brought me back dinner, so I didn't starve. I'll probably do the dinner order tomorrow. But if prick boy believes keeping me glued to the keyboard doing mindless stuff if productive, that's his problem, not mine. Gee, I'm not angry, am I?kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2001-10-23 08:42:44 Under Disguise
**Smile** yes. you are and its good to admit it.........ya ought to make pb buy dinner. then do it big!
2001-10-23 08:59:46 Solo
It's people like that who make you hope karma is real and that it will be nasty hehehe
2001-10-23 09:32:48 Manduhsmomma
: )
2001-10-23 12:44:35 Asteri
Hey! Take things calmly, your health is what matters.
2001-10-23 21:03:35 Debbs
Sounds like you have a lovely Thanksgiving planned. When holidays roll around, I long for family to visit with. But then there are the horror stories of people that do have families. So I will just enjoy my friends. I was away at another diary for awhile, but I came back here . This feels more like home. ((((((hugs)))))))
2001-10-28 01:06:10 peacemaker
endure and you will find a way to make it better in time.
---End notes---
2001-10-28 19:36:32 Back to the grind
Well, I survived the Nightmare on Calvert Street, week one. I was plenty tired, and more than a little tense, but there were no blowups, crying jags or other scenes of high drama. Prick boy pretty much left me alone. I got most of what he assigned done. I was forced to do so much computer work that my carpal tunnel syndrome flared up. My mother called me twice from her tour of upstate New York to check on me. Wayne caught a cold from his 6-month-old nephew while visiting in North Carolina and had to cut his vacation short. More about Wayne in next entry. I got my benefits package, which has to be filled out and mailed by Nov. 9. Luckily, my beneficent employer is keeping Kasier, my HMO. Maybe people, including Wayne, who were with the Aetna PPO as SOL and will have to get a new health plan and new doctors. I probably will have to pay to keep my dentist of 15 years. I ate well and slept fairly well. It suddenly got quite cold and I've had to turn on the heat during the day and use the electric blanket at night. I hate cold weather, and I hate turning the clocks back because it gets dark that much sooner. Been shopping on eBay for winter solstice presents. Got my brother a map and a Bible printed in 1896, the year his house was built. I'm getting Wayne a duffle bag or backpack full of shirts, ties, T-shirts and a few gag gifts. I had initially planned to get him a La-Z-y Boy recliner, but a) I can't afford it; b) it would take serious machinations to get it into his apartment to surprise him; and c) given the clutter, I don't know if there's any room for it. Dunno what I'm going to get Mom. Another plus of being at work last week: got a flu shot. And on Wednesday, it's Halloween. I have a moose hat I'll wear. That should get a few laughs.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2001-10-28 19:55:04 Asteri
Such nice plans. I'm glad this week was fine. {{{Hugs}}}
2001-10-29 09:58:59 Under Disguise
hey thats cool about the bible! keep up the good work!
---End notes---
2001-10-28 22:44:06 So close, yet so far away
Wayne spent last weekend with his brother and sister-in-law and his 6-month-old nephew in North Carolina. On Monday, he drove to southwestern Virginia to a newspaper where he was to conduct a writing seminar on Tuesday. He met with staff, got taken to dinner, and then realized he had left the handouts he had prepared for the seminar back in Baltimore. So Wayne makes the 3-hour drive home and sleeps at his apartment, intending to drive back to southern Virginia late Tuesday morning. Alas, Wayne awakes Tuesday with a sore throat and hideous earache. So he postpones the seminar. Poor guy spent the rest of his vacation sick. At least he was able to rest, and it seemed to do him a lot of good. Late Saturday afternoon, I went to his apartment bearing homemade bread and seafood stew. His apartment was a little less cluttered. Wayne and I ate and talked and I showed him how to burn CDs on his computer. We just hung out, talking and laughing and enjoying one another's company. We discussed some serious, but not heavy-duty stuff, like how we've changed from teen-agers to middle-agers, we shared childhood memories and talked about work and journalism. It was a very laid-back, quiet evening. Wayne was nearly over his cold and after a week of not being at work, was the most relaxed I've ever seen him. He also seemed very open and accessible. There was even more of the usual easy closeness and intimacy between us, and for the first time, Wayne seemed completely at ease with it. I saw in his eyes the deep affection he has for me. And several times while we were sitting next to each other in chairs working on the computer, I could have leaned in and kissed Wayne. I sure wanted to, and it seemed to me like he might have welcomed it. But I didn't, and I won't. I feel like a coward, but Wayne knows I want a physical relationship with him. He'll have to make the first move. I left at 1 a.m., and kissed Wayne on the cheek as I left, as I always do. I mused on the way home how we had a nearly perfect evening, just like we have a nearly perfect relationship. Wayne gives me so much; I wish I could learn to be content with that.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2001-10-29 00:48:57 Manduhsmomma
*sigh* :)
2001-10-29 09:41:10 Asteri
I think you do good by waiting for him to do the 1st move. Still, your relationship is very beautiful and I'm glad you're aware of that. Have a beautiful week.
2001-10-30 07:09:10 debbs
Geeeee, I wish things could be different for you with Wayne. Your situation so tugs at my heart. Thank you for your comment. (((((hugs))))
2001-10-31 01:30:57 peacemaker
you have a lot with wayne. maybe someday more?
---End notes---
2001-11-03 22:26:04 Weekly report
This week went better at work. Prick boy was out sick, Eric was up from Florida to install an update to the publishing software, and I had success with most support calls. But I spent most of worktime configuring 21 cell phones that will serve as wireless modem for the reporters to file their stories without having to worry about finding a phone line. It was very tedious work, and two of the phones still aren't working, but now I can get these phones out to the users and start saving the company so real money. I also need to configure my own cell phone to act as a wireless modem. Then I won't be bound by wires when I seek an Internet fix. I've been diligently trying to bring order to my home office. I'm trying to throw out as much paperwork as possible. What paperwork i must keep is going into large briefcases by subject -- one briefcase for medical, one for the house, one for the cats, one for legal stuff, and so on. I've been buying briefcases for the task on eBay. But listen to this: I got a large briefcase delivered from an eBay seller in Wisconsin. I open the briefcase and it's infested with ladybugs! Yeah, I know, ladybugs are good little creatures, but I don't care to have them swarming in the lovely abode. The offending briefcase is sitting on the ramp off the side of the house, and i'll haul it to the curb for trash collection tomorrow. Other than this, I've had good luck with stuff I've bought on eBay. I've gotten large briefcase, leather briefcase and tote bags, most for less than $25; many for less than $15. Of course, I bought too many, and way too many leather purses. I'll probably try to auction some stuff off early next year. My brother and my niece are driving Mom and me nuts. Thanksgiving is less than three weeks away and they still haven't made flight reservations for here. Mom and I will have to drive to Dulles to pick up Rachel, and just making arrangements on our side is a logistical morass. I'll have to drive the wonder van, using my mother's handicapped parking tag, so we can park as close to the terminal as possible. Even then, we'll have to get a skycap bring us a wheelchair, because Mom cannot walk the endless distances in that huge airport. Then we'll have to wait at the baggage claim for Rachel, cuz no one is allowed past the x-ray machines except passengers. All this will be after trying to squeeze in our traditional Thanksgiving dinner at the Stouffer Hotel in downtown D.C. We'll muddle through somehow. I'll have Thanksgiving, plus the following Friday and Monday off, so I'll have plenty of time to spend with them.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2001-11-04 00:09:00 Manduhsmomma
Three weeks! AAAAACCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!
2001-11-04 09:11:20 Debbs
Hope you let those ladybugs go near some trees before they get picked up by the garbage collecter. I would love to have a brief case full of ladybugs. Hope you get all plans worked out for Thanksgiving. Sounds like a good time.
2001-11-05 07:54:35 Asteri
Sounds like it was a good week. Hope that your brother and niece get the tickets soon. Have a nice week.
2001-11-07 18:24:29 peacemaker
I hate planning Thanksgiving, I used to try to keep everyone happy on both sides of the family. I just go with the flow, till the flow don't go.
---End notes---
2001-11-12 03:15:59 Falling behind
Man, I am so far behind on my favs! Work and getting enough sleep sure take a bite out of the day. No wonder I clung to insomnia so fiercely -- I got more done because I was awake more! Sorry for neglecting everybody. I'll do my best to catch up with your diaries. As busy as I've been, not much interesting has been going on. Prick boy and I seem to have reached an uneasy rapprochement. He limits his contact with me to less than 15 minutes a day, and that's been helping, I think. Support calls were more frequent last week, but I'm nearly done on his manual to terrify the users. I got through benefits selection unscathed; my beneficent employer renewed contracts with my HMO and dental plan, so I don't have to change anything. I made some minor corrections in beneficiaries, so my niece is the sole beneficiary of my life insurance. My fast-dwindling 401(k) will be split between two journalism organizations, if I don't live long enough to start using it. Thanksgiving is 10 days away (panic!) and still my brother has not made plane reservations for his daughter, him and his girlfriend. It's that laid-back California attitude running smack into the gotta-have-every-moment-scheduled East Coast attitude. I guess it will all work out. I've been spending weekends (meaning Sunday afternoons and evenings, cuz I sleep most of Saturdays) uncluttering my home office. I'm shredding tons of useless paperwork, selling, giving away or throwing away stuff that's sat unused for years. I put all my photos in albums or in a large briefcase; and did the same with medical stuff, legal stuff and house/mortgage stuff. Next comes years of tax returns. I put very important papers, like my passport and birth certificate, in a lovely oak briefcase I bought on eBay. And STILL, my desk is overflowing and I trip on things in my little home office. But I am determined to free up enough room in this office to get a recliner in here. Mom returned safely from her two-week visit to friends and family in New England. Her back is bothering her again; the steroids give her less and less relief. She remains upbeat, active and intellectually sharp. Wayne aggravated an old back injury, and has been spending most his free time lying on the heating pad I gave him. It's gotten too cold for us to finish the cement work on my driveway, so we'll have to cover the area with dirt until spring. Hope we can get it done before Thanksgiving. Are any of you "Iron Chef" fans? I love that show, and on Friday, Nov. 16, UPN will broadcast "Iron Chef USA." It stars William Shatner as the chairman, and was taped in Las Vegas. I'm eager to see it, but my satellite TV service doesn't get UPN. Wayne doesn't have cable, so UPN, which is on Channel 24 in this area, comes in poorly, if at all. I've got to find someone at work with cable to tape it for me. kasey@byteme.com
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