Bad news already
This is just my second posting since taking a two-and-a-half-year hiatus, and I have unpleasantness to report.My house was burglarzed on Saturday. I’m OK (I wasn’t home) and the cats (who were home) are OK. I keep telling myself that’s what’s important; everything else can be repaired or replaced.I have two smashed doors, and lost my desktop and laptop computers; all my DVDs (about 40), two PDAs, one portable DVD player, one cell phone and accessories, and all my gold jewelry, much of which were gifts from my later father.So I’m gather receipts and other documentation for insurance. I hope to have a computer at home soon; in the meantime, I’ll updating from home.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
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2004-11-22 22:24:09 truthseeker
I really sorry to read of this Invasion of your home is awful because its a personal invasion and it takes time to recover from that despite no damage to you or the cats.
2004-11-23 08:20:02 Tyche
Oh no!!! At least you're okay, and so are the cats. Everything else is just stuff. Granted, I'm sure you're most torn about the jewelry, but at least you're safe.
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2004-11-23 12:12:12
This is just my second posting since taking a two-and-a-half-year hiatus, and I have unpleasantness to report.My house was burglarzed on Saturday. I’m OK (I wasn’t home) and the cats (who were home) are OK. I keep telling myself that’s what’s important; everything else can be repaired or replaced.I have two smashed doors, and lost my desktop and laptop computers; all my DVDs (about 40), two PDAs, one portable DVD player, one cell phone and accessories, and all my gold jewelry, much of which were gifts from my later father.So I’m gather receipts and other documentation for insurance. I hope to have a computer at home soon; in the meantime, I’ll updating from home.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
2004-11-23 12:12:12 Update: Health and Weight Loss
I had a pre-op consultation with a gastric bypass surgeon on Oct. 13, 2003. Gastric bypass is a very popular surgery, and like many doctors who perform this procedure, he had a long waiting list. I spent the months before the consult researching the procedure and having the pre-op tests done.On the day I consulted with the bariatric surgeon, I weighed 365 pounds. (I’m 5 feet, 8 inches tall.) I was exhausted all the time, got short of breath and back spasms after walking less than two city blocks and had to rest after climbing a few steps. I wore size 32 clothes and assumed I would die from heart disease in a few years. Frankly, I welcomed that fate. I had little pleasure in living. All I did was eat, go to work (where I ate some more) and sleep. I had type II diabetes for which I took oral meds. All my joints ached. But I learned about gastric bypass, and for the first time in years, I had real hope that I could lose a lot of weight, keep it off and have a semi-normal life and appearance. As I have written in earlier entries, and as I have felt most of my life, hope is a dangerous thing for me. I start to believe something positive will happen, and when it doesn’t, I get so disappointed and bitter that my life doesn’t seem worth living.For reasons too complicated to go into, I did not have the surgery. I cried for days when I realized it would not happen, and just wanted my miserable existence to end.But for reasons I don’t understand completely understand, I embarked on a diet. I kept track of everything I ate (using fitday.com) and averaged 1,500 calories daily. I met every other month with a nutritionist, and got a check-up every three months with my primary care doc.It was hell. The first seven months I was hungry nearly all the time. I don’t mean head hunger; I don’t mean a few sporadic hunger pains. I mean stomach cramps and pains that woke me from sleep. I mean hunger so severe that I lost my short-term memory and the ability to do math. I mean hunger so severe that I had trouble seeing because my eyes would not focus. I mean hunger so severe that I rejoiced when daylight savings time arrived, because it meant for that one day, I would be hungry one less hour.I begged my doctor and nutritionist to let me increase my calories to 1,800 a day. They said I would not lose weight if I did, and that eventually, the hunger would go away. After the fifth month, both said they had never had a patient so hungry for so long and didn’t know what to tell me, except not to go over 1,500 calories unless I wanted to regain the weight I had lost.Finally, in May, the hunger eased. I had lost 100 pounds. My short-term memory came back with the addition of Vitamin B complex supplements, and the other side effects went away.I’m still on the 1,500-calorie diet. I exercise for at least 90 minutes most days, and I keep track of every morsel of food that I consume. I’ve lost 140 pounds in less than 14 months, and hope to lose another 30, getting down to a weight of 195 pounds. I look years younger and feel energetic. I don’t have to spend all day Saturday in bed because I’m not exhausted from hauling around all that extra weight. People say I smile and laugh more.Mu quality of life has improved. I used to worry about finding parking less than a block from where I was going, or avoided building that didn’t have elevators. I drove a minivan because I could not fit behind the wheel of anything smaller. Flying was a nightmare because I didn’t fit comfortably in the airplane seats and needed a seat belt extender, to boot. And walking long distances in huge airport and parking lot lugging a suitcase was something I was physically unable to do.Since May, however, I’ve taken three trips, including one overseas. I walked everywhere, for miles at a time, sightseeing.I’ve gone from a dress (well, pants and shirt, because I almost never wear dresses or skirts) size 32 to size 18. I’ve had to replace my wardrobe several times. If it weren’t for eBay, I’d be naked, because I couldn’t afford to buy new clothes every time I lost a size or two. People who haven’t seen me in a year gasp when they encounter me.I take care with my appearance now. My lovely dredlocks are below my shoulders, and I recently dyed my hair very dark brown to get rid of the gray. I wear shirts tucked in, and I wear a belt for the first time in 25 years, because now, I have a waist!But it’s not all stylish clothes and people being flabbergasted at the new me. Losing this much weight and continuing to lose and then keeping it off is hard fucking work. I am seldom full, and never get to eat as much as I want, or even what I want. I used to eat four to six ice cream Dove bars every day; I cut them out cold turkey. I almost never have candy or cake or doughnuts or cookies; chocolate is mostly just a memory.Losing a massive amount of weight means constantly depriving myself of the things that give me the most pleasure. It is a miserable existence, just as miserable the existence I had when I was supermorbidly obese. I’ve traded one kind of misery for another.And physical appearance? Sure, I look presentable in my size 18 jeans and tucked in, fitted blouse. But get me out of my bra and compression shorts, and it is a horror show. My formerly full, plump, squeezable breasts look like deflated footballs. My butt is flat. I have rolls of redundant skin hanging over my stomach and pubic area, and my thighs look like cottage cheese AND have rolls of skin just above the knees. My upper arms have so much excess skin that they flap. I’m glad I found the strength to lose so much weight. I’m enjoying my new, healthy life. But it’s a struggle, and always will be.Want to see before and after pictures? Go here: http://photos.yahoo.com/kasey0613and click on Kasey ASD.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
---Notes---
2004-11-26 09:30:19 Asteri
Oh dear, you're truly one woman to admire. I had no idea you've gone through so much during this process. That is what I call an agony. As you, I prefer this agony than to stay obese. I am sure that you'll be able to manage this and remain healthy.{{{Hugs}}}
2005-09-18 09:39:22 constipated
wow; Kasey your photos look amazing. oh God; i have no idea how you did that. it is easy to tell yourself that you are going to do something about your weight; but you never really know were to start or never have the courage to do it. i lost weight once; last year; when i was 17; but i did it the unhealthy way. i used to binge;purge and then exercise like hecticly and now that is not working for me anymore. i am really glad that you have lost so much weight; your story is really an inspiration to me and i am sure it is an inspiration to many other people out there. thanx for giving me hope.lots of love~katelyn~
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2004-11-23 12:12:12 Update; The Job
So I guess I should get MDD readers up to date on my life in the last two and a half years. After reading back on my older entries, I am struck by how miserable an existence I was leading. It certainly helps put my life now in perspective.Since May 2002, when I left the Nightmare on Calvert Street after working there for 17 years, I started work at an international newsgathering organization as the night editor.My former employer is my current employer’s largest client, and not a night goes by that I don’t talk with at least one of my former coworkers.It’s very different here. I went from a workplace of more than 300 to an office of 20. For the bulk of my shift, there is only one other person here. On holidays, I’m in the office alone.This has its disadvantages, because I love to have a big audience, and I work so much that I count on my job for most of my social interaction.But the advantages are myriad: I get to write often; I get to direct much of our coverage; I have varied tasks and begin every shift not knowing that I’ll be doing that night; I get to deal with clients, corporate and other offices within my organization across the country and around the world.I was terrified to leave my former job. I was certain no one would hire a middle-aged, supermorbidly obese woman, but I was wrong. I hope to keep at this for another 10 years and one month (not that I’m counting) until retirement.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
2004-11-23 12:12:12 Inching back to a routine
I got to the gym Tuesday morning. I shouldn’t have gone, however, because the delivery service arrived at my house with my replacement laptop while I was out.I’m hoping a friend can retrieve the new laptop from the shipping depot and I’ll have the machine Wednesday.I’m still gathering, copying and faxing info to my insurance company. I found a recent a picture that shows me wearing one of the gold bracelets that was stolen. The photo is not clear enough for me to say which bracelet it was, but it at least indicates that I’m not making up the jewelry to get a larger settlement.This is along the lines of the old punchline “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?”, I had an otherwise wonderful weekend. My brother and his wife were in the state visiting Mom, and we all got together Saturday at her house, and then Sunday at my house.My brother and I also bought my mother a 32-inch TV. Her vision is getting progressively worse, and she had trouble seeing the 19-inch model she had.And, my mom, who had been without pets since her cat died in June, got two sweet kitties from the Humane Society on Wednesday. In addition, today my niece called me from her home in California. She is semi-estranged from her dad, my brother, over her live-in boyfriend (she is 21; the boyfriend is 52, three years older than her father). But I am always delighted to talk with her, and let her know that I love her no matter what, and that if she’s happy, I’m happy.So despite the annoyance of dealing with the burglary, I’m getting lots of warm fuzzies from my family.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
2004-11-23 12:12:12 Post Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday, went well. Mom and I made our traditional visit to a wonderful restaurant in the Nation’s Capital for a fabulous buffet meal. Then I went to work.I was able to get to the gym for a full workout on Friday. Barring catastrophe (and last week demonstrated how easily life can turn catastrophic) I’ll be able to work out Saturday and Sunday as well. On Monday, I have door salesmen coming over to give estimates on replacing my back door, which has window panes that were broken, with a solid door. I’ll do yard work until the salemen arrive, so I’ll get some exercise. I keep discovering more things that the burglars took. Contrary to my initial assessment, a lot of my silver jewelry was taken with all my gold items. I also had a wireless keyboard and mouse still in the retail box that is gone.Getting documentation for the insurance company is proving difficult and time-consuming. I spent 30 minutes on the phone with Dell to wrest from them a receipt for my desktop that was stolen. I bought the laptop from a friend and paid cash, so I have no receipt for that. I bought my Colombian leather gym bag and IBM brand leather briefcase on eBay years ago, and have no receipts to identify them. I have PayPal receipts, but they only identify the person paid and the amount; they don’t say what the actual items were.In between exercise sessions this weekend. I’m going to plow through the pile of papers on my desk and in my “to file” box to see if I can come up with better receipts. I will also contact American Express and get three years of statements. I paid for most stuff with AmEx and hope there will be some evidence that the insurance company will accept.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
2004-12-07 10:05:00 Manic
Ack! I’ve neglected this diary yet again. I’ve been busy (who hasn’t been, especially this time of the year) with work and dealing with my insurance company after the burglary last month.Work has been busy — news and sports don’t stop just because the holidays are coming, or because it’s cold and rainy and dreary. One of my coworkers went to California to tape episodes of “Jeopardy!” I’m not allowed to say how well he did on the game. I spent Saturday, like most Saturdays, taking my mother grocery shopping and on other errands, because her vision has gotten so bad after several eye surgeries that she can’t see well enough to drive.Her inability to drive has been obvious to me for months, but on Saturday she finally said she could no longer drive. She is going to keep her car, however, in hopes that having it will make it easier for other people to drive her around. She says some people at her retirement community are still able to drive but can’t afford cars.We’ll see how good an idea this is. I think the cost of keeping a car — insurance especially — is too much for someone on a fixed income if she’s only going to be driven around once or twice a week. But she says keeping the car makes her feel less isolated.I’ve been exercising like a maniac, and that’s no exaggeration. Two hours and 15 minutes on Sunday, two hours on Monday, one hour and 45 minutes today.I tried Pilates for the first time. It is fairly intense and makes use of muscles I don’t always engage. I hope to continue classes, because it’s no-impact and strengthening and can increase flexibility. It’s a good change from pounding cardio and heavy weightlifting. I’m exercising so much because I’m self-medicating. Previously I would overeat. Other people drink or to do drugs; I overtrain.I get sad this time of year. I hate late fall and all of winter. I hate the long nights, the cold, the possibility of dangerous weather. Plus I’m feeling stressed from dealing with the burglary. My appetite is fading and I’m having more trouble sleeping than usual. I don’t think I’m tired or sleep deprived, but my fear is that I’m in a manic phase and will crash soon.But man, will I be fit!Kasey (Jane Skye So)
2004-12-10 08:53:00 Could I be any busier?
Work continues to be hectic, but I’m doing my job well and getting attagirls for it. I’ve written a couple of stories and was on the radio feed this morning.I’ve applied to teach a journalism class at a local college. It pays next to nothing, but it would be a way to find out if I like teaching. I’ve always wanted to teach, and have consider it an option for when I retire.Finally got the glass replaced in the patio door. And after Dell said my new desktop would not be shipped until the end of this month, it has been shipped. I skipped gym today to wait at home for it, but UPS made a delivery attempt late this afternoon, after I had left for work.I was hopeful that I would have the computer for the weekend, because it will take hours to get it set up and functioning and get all the peripherals connected and the WiFi working and all the software downloaded and installed. Well, I’ll get the computer when I get it, and get it set up when ... well, you know.Like most people, it’s a struggle to stay on my diet this time of year. I’ve cut back on most days to make up for the inevitable overeating opportunities, but I overindulged on Thursday, succumbing to fried mozzeralla, chicken tenders and potato wontons from a local pub.I’ve been exercising regularly, except today (see above) and Thursday, when I had planned to walk to and from the office for lunch with a friend. But it rained, and I got a ride back.Before the rain started, I went into an Ashley Stewart dress shop, which sells sizes 14 to 26. A year ago, I was too fat to fit into anything in that store. But having lost 145 pounds, I tried on a size 1X coat, and it fit! If I get any free time next week (not bloody likely; I have to take all three cats to the vet on Tuesday, and I have a doc appointment on Thursday; I’ll still be waiting on delivery of my computer, and have to go to gym and work AND make my weekly visit to my mother’s house 45 miles away to take her grocery shopping) I’ll go back and buy the coat and a sweater to go with the size 16 skirt I fit into and bought last week at Fashion Bug Plus. I’m invited to two holiday parties, and I thought I’d dress like a girl for a change.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
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2004-12-10 22:01:22 Asteri
Hi! I hope you get the class in College! Isn't it nice to fit into "normal" clothes? :) E-mail me when you can. {{{Hugs}}}
2004-12-11 03:31:01 peacemaker
Hey how can you feel safer after your break in? I feel for you and your plight trying to put the pieces back together after the loss. You would do well and enjoy teaching. You have a lot to offer to young kids. By conincidence,I just looked up SheisSoSweet over at Xanga. She is a journalism major at Temple U. I had mentioned you to her years back when you both were here. Are there Doberman cats?
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2004-12-15 09:56:00 Will someone please return my calls?
Things continue to be busy. And I’m waiting for people to call me: the insurance company, the gym about my request to see a personal trainer, the yard cleanup people, the college journalism people.Wayne and I spent Sunday afternoon together. We went to Tony Roma’s for dinner, then hung out at his place. I got my handtruck back from him, which I had lent him when he moved to a new apartment in June.I needed the handtruck because my desktop computer replacement was shipped and arrived this week. I’m getting it set up in baby steps, because I simply don’t have several free hours to unpack, plug in, boot and reboot, download and install software and peripherals and see if the backup drive will transfer my otherwise stolen files. Much of my lack of free time is from so much time spent at the gym. I’ve decided to cut back my exercise from 90 minutes to 120 minutes each session (one day last week I did 135 minutes of cardio) to 60 minutes to 90 minutes. I hope to continue to exercise five or six days a week.Despite how time consuming it is, I enjoy exercising. I helped lead two step aerobics class this week when the regular instructor was on vacation and the replacement knew nothing about step. I wouldn’t mind working part time as an aerobics instructor and/or personal trainer. If I ever get any free time, I’ll see what’s involved in getting certified.My free time is further limited by having to drive 88 miles roundtrip to visit my mother every Saturday to take her grocery shopping and other errands. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to do it, and I’m pleased that my restored energy makes it possible for me to help her. But that eats up Saturday morning (cutting into my sleep time) and afternoon.I would love to take a week off from work and just sleep late and go to the movies.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
2004-12-17 08:41:00 Medical Update
My doc has taken me off Metformin for diabetes. The weight loss and exercise have kept my blood sugar well-controlled. I still must check my levels regularly, and if the numbers go too high, I'm to resume taking the medication.But despite the massive weight loss and hours of exercise weekly, my blood pressure AND my cholesterol have continued to creep up. I'm already on Lipitor to lower my cholesterol, and my doc has added another med, whose name escapes me.And I'm to take an ACE inhibitor for the hypertension. I need to get blood tests in two weeks to make sure the new meds aren't hurting my kidneys or my recently-discovered-not-to-be-infected liver.And I need vigilant about side effects, mostly headaches or dizziness, which could mean that my blood pressure is dropping too low.My doc also said it's too soon to see a plastic surgeon; I need to wait until my weight stabilizes.And I got a flu shot.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
---Notes---
2004-12-18 00:31:01 Asteri
Hello there, it's great your sugar levels are so low. I can relate with the cholesterol thing and my blood pressure, even it's not high, it's not low neither. I find it "close to high". Have a nice weekend. {{{Hugs}}}
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2004-12-21 07:03:00 Inching back to computing normalcy
After spending all of Sunday afternoon and evening unpacking and setting up, I am finally up and running on my replacement desktop computer. While I really like my new, tiny and very portable Thinkpad, there’s nothing like having enough power to launch the space shuttle on one’s desk.It hadn’t been running even five hours when the Blue Screen of Death appeared. Windows update is set at auto install, and an update installed and then tried to reboot while I was trying to restore from my backup drive. The restore — my effort to duplicate the files on the desktop computer that was stolen last month — isn’t going to well. I have Maxtor One-Touch drive, which I had set to do a full back up every single day. Despite its claim that it works just like a hard drive, the file names are gibberish. I’ve followed the restore directions three times; the first two times, an empty folder was copied.The third time, I was able to restore about half of my MP3 files. But my documents, photos and thousands of archived e-mails, so far, have eluded me. I’ll keep at it. My fav tidbit so far on the Dell Dimension 8400 — XM Satellite radio, for which I have subscriptions in my car, boom box and computer, is included and already set up in Windows Media Player. That means I can get rid of the external antenna and converter. I like anything that reduces the clutter on my desktop.Speaking of clutter, my new Dell came with a five-speaker and subwoofer system. I decided that I needed more space on my desk, so I bought an all-in-one printer/scanner, the Epson Stylus Photo RX500. This allowed me to remove the separate printer and scanner. Plus, the printer has built-in media card readers, so that’s another piece of hardware I removed from my desk.I’ll be setting up my wireless network once I’m done with the restore effort.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
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2004-12-25 05:40:49 peacemaker
Hey what steps have you taken to make sure that all of your work isn't in vain? Have you sent those cats to attack school? I would get a pet panther. Where theives are successful they may return! Have a great Christmas! Freedom's Wings(aka Nice Cat) stopped by too from yesteryear!
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2004-12-31 11:18:00 2005
It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m at work, natch, as I was Christmas night. I’m here by myself, so it’s a little lonely and creepy, but it’s better than being home alone.I’m still waiting to hear from the jeweler about when I can pick out stuff to replace the bracelets that were stolen. The yard will finally get cleaned up on Tuesday, but only after several nagging phone calls to the landscaper, whom I paid in full on Dec. 6. No word on when the new door, which I also ordered on Dec. 6, will arrive. The home improvement guy said two weeks, and it’s been more than three.I got a letter from the police claiming that they had called me several times and could not reach me. Bullshit. I have caller ID, and there are no calls from the PD.Anyway, the letter says I need to be interviewed further or look at photos. Who knows what that means. I called the number and the detective won’t be in until next week. I’m going to send a letter as well, because clearly the cops aren’t making much of an effort to reach me.Am I the only person who can’t get ANYONE to call her back or do the work they were paid for? What ever happened to customer service? Sheesh.I finally (after paying weeks in advance and several nags; is there a theme here?) had my first session with a personal trainer at the Y. She says every rep on the weight machines should be a “challenge” and that workouts need to be somewhat difficult. Not what someone like me, who already tends to overtrain, needs to be told.But she showed me proper use of some machines that I had just started using without instruction, and showed me how to vary the grip on other machines to use different muscles and make the lifts more challenging. And, of course, she wants me to lift heavier weights, and to lift three times a week instead of twice a week.That’s in addition to getting several hours of cardio every week. No wonder most people don’t exercise. Fortunately, I like exercising, especially aerobics with good music and choreography. I like weightlifting the least, though. Despite the lonely start to 2005, I’m eager to see what the new year holds. This is the least I’ve weighed in 25 years, and I’m still losing. I hope I can get my weight below 200 pounds this year, and wear size 16 jeans. I’m already planning my spring trip to New York and my fall trip to London and Barcelona.On Sunday, I’m going to a local theater to see a touring company production of “Jesus Christ Superstar” and the following weekend, I’ll go to New York to see a couple of shows.I plan to go to baseball games here and in D.C. in the spring and summer. And maybe I’ll get enough free time to go to the movies, a goal that has eluded me for weeks.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
---Notes---
2005-01-03 14:41:42 Asteri
Happy New Year dear! I am so sorry you're having so much trouble in getting your stuff back after this situation. It's definitely not fair but I am sure you'll solve it eventually. Your plans for this year sound terrific. I hope you achieve them all and most importantly, enjoy them. :) Blessings...
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2005-01-14 12:18:00 A walking trip
Oh, dear. Once again, it’s been a while. I continue to be mind-numbingly busy. I pondered giving up on the idea of sleep, as I’m not getting much anyway. I might as well abandon this fantasy that I can get enough rest and just accept the fact that I have to get up at 8:30 a.m. every day, even though I have to work until 1 a.m.On Thursday, I went to the jewelry to pick out pieces similar to the ones stolen when my house was burglarized in November. I got teary-eyed as I looked at the pieces and remembered what my father had given me.It’s so sad that these treasures from my father are probably adorning some pimp’s wrist now.Anyway, I found pieces to match most of what was stolen. The jeweler had very few silver bracelets, so I’ll probably have to get cash for that and buy them online.On Wednesday, the solid-core door was installed. And last week, the landscape company trimmed the bushes. They did a terrible job and will probably have to come back.I went to New York for a weekend of Broadway theater. I saw “Avenue Q,” which was fun; “Gem of the Ocean” which was good drama and fab acting but a long and tedious story; and “Pacific Overtures,” which was spectacular.And I had a wonderful meal at Mama Mexico. I ate way too much the whole weekend, from bacon and Danish at the breakfast buffet to pastries at Starbucks.Of course, even on my weekend away, I managed to exercise too much. I walked in the pouring rain and 40-degree temps from the train station at 34th and Seventh to my hotel at 52nd and Third. For Saturday’s matinee, I walked from the hotel to the theater on 45th and Broadway (at least it had stopped raining). For dinner, I walked from the theater to the restaurant at Third and 48th, back to the hotel briefly, then to the evening performance at Broadway and 48th, then back to the hotel.On Sunday, I walked from my hotel to the theater at 54th and Broadway, then back to the train station. I did not catch a a single cab. I figured I walked about five miles altogether.Kasey (aka Jane Skye So)
---Notes---
2005-01-19 07:30:48 peacemaker
I have always found people in NY so much more friendly than they are reputed to be. I used to take my boys, when they were younger. My oldest son (16 then) was interested in seeing virgin records, so much for landmarks. My 16 year old guy and I went to the Letterman show taping. I remember taking my 10 year old to see the UN and he was frightened of the demonstrators who were picking and yelling shame on China re:Tibet. He just couldn't get comfortable with a yelling crowd being across the street. I used to take him out of school with a buddy and we would go to see the Bronx zoo, and the Museum of Natural History.
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2005-01-19 08:59:00 Can't slow down
Charm City got a two-inch snowfalll today. Nothing much, people still panicked and the roads were a little dicey. But I shoveled snow, to clear my driveway and walk, for the first time in years. This was after braving the roads to go to the gym. I am still tickled that I can do physical things. I had a nice, but extremely busy, weekend. I had my first appointment with my new psychotherapist on Saturday. Then I drove 45 miles to see Mom, as I do on most Saturdays, to take her grocery shopping and do chores for her. On Saturday night, I played poker with coworkers until 3 a.m.On Sunday, Wayne, another former coworker from the Nightmare on Calvert Street, and I went to a museum and then dinner downtown. Then I drove Wayne to my place (his car is on the fritz) where he installed a smoke detector. Then I drove him to his place, where I got his DVD/VHS recorder working.Wayne is having a blast at his job, which he started in October. He’s the senior editor of two arts magazines, and he works day hours and has his own office. He gets to take trips (he’s going to Philadelphia next month for a huge convention) and sometimes he and his coworkers blow off the afternoon and go to the movies or a gallery.I’m delighted to see him having so much fun. The Nightmare on Calvert Street ground him down, and it’s good to see him happy and productive.Wayne expressed concern about my being so busy with work and working out and taking care of Mom and possibly teaching a college course and that I can’t sleep much and the negative thoughts are back. I’ve always been a workaholic, and I always overdo. I exercise so much instead of eating so much; both are forms of self-medication. I’m still struggling with finding a balance, but these days I can’t sleep and I’m bothered a lot by the negative thoughts. It’s as if there were a half dozen radios in my head, and each is playing a different station. The din is unsettling.Let’s hope the new therapist will help me get a grip on things.The college class is still up in the air. Registration runs through Tuesday; after that, the department chair said, they’ll decide if enough students have signed up. I won't know until Jan. 26, and the first class is Jan. 27.Work continues to be demanding. I have to train staff on new software, and I worked until 3 a.m. today on a late-breaking story. I can take the week of Feb. 21 off. I want to just chill for a week — sleep late and go to movies. But I hate wasting five of my very limited vacation days and not go somewhere exciting.Sigh.Kasey (aka Jane Skye So)
2005-01-31 08:08:00 Back to School
I started teaching at a local university last week. My class is on features writing; it meets thrice weekly. I have about 15 students (people are still signing up and I expect a few will drop the course).I’m pretty much flying by the seat of my pants. The university didn’t even confirm I was teaching the class until the first day of the spring semester, which I missed. The bookstore doesn’t have the two books required for the course, and the computer in the classroom seems to be dead. I have no idea how to rectify these things, nor do I know how to record grades.And I won’t get paid until my transcipt from 23 years ago arrives from my alma mater.So far, though, I’m having a blast! I like lecturing, which I make as much of a give-and-take as possible. I’m enjoying coming up with ideas, and I love the enthusiasm of the students who are interested. I have their first papers; I’ll look at them briefly before bed tonight, and grade them tomorrow.Yet another new adventure!Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
---Notes---
2005-01-31 20:43:19 Asteri
Cool :) Blessings...
2005-02-01 12:17:01 Fyresetter
Good to see you again, wish I could audit your class!
2005-02-02 05:31:55 peacemaker
KC you will be awesome! I like Fyre would like to be in your class. I just don't leike having to watch spenlling comas & typos and stuff like that.
---End notes---
2005-02-09 04:45:00 Publish or perish
Here are links to an essay I wrote for my former employer. It was published on Sunday. The first link is to a text-only verison of the essay; the second link has the picture of me that went with the story.http://www.baltimoresun.com/features/custom/unisun/bal-un.jones0206,1,6053777.story?coll=bal-unisun-headlineshttp://www.print2webcorp.com/news/baltimore/Unison/20050204/p23.aspKasey (aka Jane Skye So)
2005-02-10 08:49:00 Baby, you can drive my car
I’ve shrunk, and now my car has shrunk.In April 2002, my minivan was wrecked after an encounter with an open manhole in the decaying mid-Atlantic metropolis I call home. I had to rent a car until I could buy another. At the car rental company, I booked and paid for a compact car. When I went to the car, I could barely get fit into it, and could not fasten the seat belt around me. I weighed 365 pounds then.The car rental company did not have a seat belt extender, so I had to rent a minivan, because it was the only vehicle in which I could fit comfortably and fasten my seat belt. The next week, I bought another minivan, the largest available on the market. It is a reliable, comfortable, safe vehicle, but its size makes it difficult to park and maneuver in tight garages, and it guzzles gas.Today, I traded in the minivan for a perky, fun-to-drive mini SUV. Now that I weigh 150 pounds less, I fit in the SUV nicely.Kasey (aka Jane Skye So)
---Notes---
2005-02-11 11:56:19 Fyresetter
Congratulations on downsizing!!! You should be proud of yourself. By the way, I tried both of those sites you mentioned about your article and the Baltimore Sun wouldn't let me read it without subscribing, sorry. Would have liked to see your pic and read your article. Fyre :)
---End notes---
2005-02-28 05:24:00 Update, 10 days late
(I tried to post this on Feb. 18, but the MDD server was down.)Been doing the work-workout-teaching thang, as busy as ever. After tonight, I’m on vacation from my full-time job for nine days. I still have to teach my college class three mornings, but not having to work my "real job" will ease my considerable stress and maybe help me sleep.And I had my two other vacation weeks approved. I’m going to New York in June; I’m not sure where I’m going to go in October — right now I’m considering Las Vegas or London.Last weekend, Wayne and I had lunch with six of our former coworkers from the Nightmare on Calvert Street. It was a fun and raucous gathering. I don’t miss my former workplace, but I sure miss the people.I’ve been enjoying my new (used) mini SUV. I got satellite radio installed and none too soon. Listening to terrestrial radio for five days made me want to plunge an ice pick into my eardrums.I’ve resumed psychotherapy, but I’m not sure it’s going to work well. The therapist, despite having a Ph.d, seems to be not too smart — a problem for me with high intelligence. I left my former therapist for several reasons, but at least he was nearly as smart as me.Several people at the Y saw my essay in the paper and talked with me. I’m such an inspiration, apparently.Kasey (aka Jane Skye So)
2005-02-28 08:25:00 Vacation over already?
I’m back to work after nine days off, although I did teach my college class on three of those days. The weather here has been difficult, with snowstorms on Thursday and again today. Worrying about whehter classes would be cancelled or how icy the roads would be added more stress that I would have liked on my vacation.I did not get to any movies. I did spend time at a huge mall I’ve never been to, but I didn’t buy anything but food — the wrong foods. I’ve been craving carbs and eating too many scones. Plus I had several large meals during my time off, and they all included dessert.I also didn’t get to the gym as often as I hoped. Weather interfered.So I’m afraid to get on the scale. My last weigh-in had me at 213 — my lowest in 25 years. I hope to get down to 190 (without plastic surgery) by the end of this year.But I’ll be fine, even if I don’t lose another pound. I’m wearing size 18, and I have so much energy and can do so much, it’s hard sometimes to hunker down to lose still more weight.And I look so fabulous in my new (used) sporty SUV that I can hardly stand it.I got some things done on my vacation that I wanted. I did my taxes and will be getting a refund. I desposited some checks and set up recurring payments for most of my bills.I installed my Wifi router and now I can use my laptop anywhere in the house and surf. I bought a second laptop — the price at Best Buy was too good to pass up — and I bought a scanner to take to Mom’s house to get her lifetime of pictures digitized.Wayne spoke to my journalism class on Friday. He was visibly nervous, poor man, but did well. The students seemed to learn from him, judging from what they wrote in their assignments after. After Wayne addressed my class, we went to lunch (one of the large meals I mentioned above). Because it had snowed the day before and the city schools were closed, his office also closed, so he had a paid day off. Did he land a great job after leaving the Nightmare on Calvert Street, or what?Today Wiley, a coworker, addressed my class, and on Wednesday, Lorena, a former coworker, will talk. I’m glad to get people to do this because a) it’s good for students to hear from other professionals, and b) it saves me having to prepare a lecture.Back to work this week, and it’s going to be a difficult one. I have split days off, so I won’t even get the limited two days of rest that I already find inadequate. Plus, I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, which is always unpleasant; it will be more so because the jaw stiffness/clicking/pain that I developed over the summer but went away has now returned.And the tendinitis has returned to my right shoulder.Damn. I need another vacation.Kasey (aka Jane Skye So)
---Notes---
2005-02-28 21:04:03 Hate Anger Rage
At least you had a vaction. I'm not working now, but staying sain at home with my family is a 24 hour job I despritely need out of and soon!
2005-02-28 21:04:03 Hate Anger Rage
At least you had a vaction. I'm not working now, but staying sain at home with my family is a 24 hour job I despritely need out of and soon!
2005-03-09 06:54:46 peacemaker
Nice that you have had so much sun in your life since leaving the Nightmare. Nice to see you settling into your newest role. I am sure the students will benefit from you and your friends giving them a taste of the real work world is like.
---End notes---
2005-03-10 10:02:00 Good news, a few times
I got good news from my car insurance company today. I’ve been moved to the medium-risk pool from the high-risk pool. This will save me $1,400 per year, assuming an open manhole doesn’t destroy my cool Rav4 like it did the Wonder Van, which is what sent me into the high-risk pool two years ago.In other financial news, I got a check for my state tax refund, despite my filing out all the paperwork to have it directly deposited to my brokerage account. I guess this e-filing thing isn’t perfect year.My transcript finally arrived from my alma mater and I can officially be hired as an adjunct professor, a week from spring break. I’ll get a computer network password, an e-mail address, a parking pass, and soon, a (tiny) paycheck.I had a wow moment with class this week. The students were really worked up about a newspaper article that discussed the problems at the university. One asked if they wrote a letter to the editor, would it be published? I said I wasn’t sure, but if they wanted to work on such a letter, I would help them.So Friday’s class will be going over the article looking for factual errors to put in the letter. It was good to see the students excited and coming up with an idea on their own.
---Notes---
2005-03-10 22:13:00 Hate Anger Rage
good
---End notes---
2005-03-18 09:38:00 Dribs and drabs
Spring break starts tomorrow, so I’ll have three days next week when I can sleep late. I’ve been dozing off late in my shift at work, so I guess I’m sleep deprived.Some of the students asked what courses I would be teaching in the fall semester. It seems many of them actually like my class. Who knew I’d be good at this?But I don’t even know if the university will have me back. I learned I was teaching this class the day the semester started, so advance notice is not this institution’s strong suit.I saw my doc this week. Blood pressure and cholesterol are down in response to new meds. My weight has settled around 215 pounds, for a loss of 150 pounds in less than 18 months. I’m wearing size 18W, which still amazes me. My doctor gave me a referral to the plastic surgeon, so maybe I can get some of this redundant skin loped off during the summer so I no longer look like a shar-pei.Because it seems my weight has stabilized, I’ve been willing to spend money on new clothes, rather than get someone else’s castoffs from eBay as I did when I was losing. I bought a pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans and three blouses at The Avenue this week, plus two dresses. one to wear to a wedding this month.I need to get a business-like outfit for next month’s conference.My mom had further surgery on her eye this week. My brother came from California to help take care of her. I’ll be visiting her this weekend.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
2005-03-25 10:53:00 Spring break over already?
I had fun at Ben and Tiffany’s wedding last week. They seem so much in love. Well, spring break is over and I’m still exhausted. I enjoyed not having to get up and dressed at 8:30 on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. But it’s back on the overwork treadmill.I have the midterm papers to grade — the students’ big writing project. It will take me several hours to edit these papers. I hope do do a few Saturday night and the rest Sunday afternoon. The gym is closed for Easter, so I hope the weather will be nice enough for me to walk outside for an hour for exercise.I have been trolling the 'Net for resources for my journalism class. I was hoping that as an instructor and being at an HBCU, there might be workshops, seminars and other stuff available to help make me a better teacher. I found a few things on CJR’s Web site, and downloaded an application to be an exam monitor for the Dow Jones Newspaper Fund.Tomorrow, I’m up at 8 a.m., shower, dressed and out the door for a 9 a.m. appointment with my psychotherapist. Then I motor three counties away to visit my mother. My brother and sis-in-law are there for one last day.After than, I tool up the road to lunch at 1 p.m. with my friend I’ve known since high school. After lunch, we’re going shopping, although I fear the mall will be packed with last-minute Easter shoppers.Once I gave up the idea that it was possible for me to get enough sleep, I’ve been stressing less about my chronic sleep deprivation. It’s whack, I know, but I get upset over not having something I believe I can have. Once I accept, or surrender, that fantasy, I feel better.Speaking of something I can't have, I’m still waiting for eHarmony to give me even one lousy match. I’ve gotten some responses from another dating site, but I haven’t had time to look at the men’s profiles in depth yet. Perhaps Sunday night.(See what I mean? Instead of sleeping Sunday night, I’ve surrended the idea of sleep so I can try to find a man willing to go out with me. It’s the same with exercise _ I can either sleep, or exercise. I chose to exercise.)Kasey (aka Jane Skye So)
---Notes---
2005-04-14 23:45:25 peacemaker
hey Kasey, hang in there. neat that you have a lifelong friend. My life long friend died several years ago. I stopped fretting about the sleep deal and accepted my wacky sleep patterns a while back. I use the time up to do this and other things that I either have to do or find relaxing. Good luck connecting with someone. Those who are successful never give up.Take care.Joe
---End notes---
2005-05-09 09:39:00 What a Relief
First, the good news; then the details of the stress I’ve been under for the past three weeks.The biopsy of the “suspicious area” detected on a mammogram showed no sign of cancer; only benign microcalcifications, most likely the result of aging.What a relief.The radiologist said I should have a followup mammogram in six months. Assuming that shows no changes, I can go back to annual, rather than semiannual, screenings.She called me on my cell phone about 5 p.m., five days after I had the biopsy, and three weeks after she first told me about the suspicious area.Now I can plan my New York trip without fear, and I now look forward to June’s consult with a plastic surgeon to see about a tummy tuck.I had the biopy on my right breast done at the Johns Hopkins Hospital. I know I am getting the best care available in the world there. I’m grateful, as always, that I have access to that top-ranked institution.A volunteer breast cancer survivor was there to stay with me during the procedure. I was glad she was there; she talked and helped me keep my mind off what was happening.First, several mammograms were taken of the area to help the radiologist pinpoint the suspicious area. She said the microcalcifications are very faint and difficult to see.Then I went into the stereotactic biopsy room. It had a new-room smell and all the equipment looked brand-spanking new. I climbed up on a lightly padded and very uncomfortable table. In the center was a hole through which my right breast was dangled.I lay down, unable to get even semicomfortable. The radiologist and the nurse busied themselves beneath me, pinning my breast between compression plates.The only pain I felt was went the needle went into my breast (on the underneath part, about midway between my chest and nipple) to inject lidocaine and then when the lidocaine was actually injected. Otherwise, it was just a lot of discomfort, mostly from having to lie in an awkward position for nearly an hour.As a result of the tremendous amount of exercise I do and resulting muscle and mind-body control, I was able to lie still and breathe through the discomfort.The samples were retrieved, checked to make sure they held some calcifications, and after about an hour, of lying awkwardly with my right breast dangling through a hole, clamped tightly and pricked with needles, I was allowed to sit up. I believe a tiny clip was left in the area, to serve as a marker for further biopsies and/or surgery.Then, more mammograms were taken, and I was allowed to leave. The whole series of procedures, from the time I went into the dressing room, until the time I left the dressing room, took about two and half hours.I had enough discomfort hours later to take some Tylenol. The pain discomfort was all gone 72 hours later. I went back to the gym then and felt no discomfort.I'm just glad it's over and ended well.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
2005-05-09 09:57:00 Broadway bound
My Broadway trip next month is all set and I’m totally looking forward to it. I have tickets for “Julius Caesar,” “Spamalot,” “Doubt,” “Brooklyn,” “Spelling Bee,” “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels” and “Rent.” I’ll be staying at a Marriott in midtown, to take advantage of my frequent guest membership and free wireless Internet access.In addition to theater, I’ll be going to the Museum of Modern Art and the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I also might try to hit one of the comedy clubs. No worries about not going to the gym, because I'll be walking all over Manhattan, about five miles a day.I hope to dine, among other places, at a Scandanavia restaurant in Midtown, and Mama Mexico, where I ate during my visit in January, and the Brazilian restaurant across the street, whose name escapes me.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
2005-05-10 09:13:00 Belated update
I didn't realize it's been weeks since I updated. Here are dribs and drabs of what's been going on.I will teach my last college class this semester on Wednesday. I still have a pile o' papers to grade (the final paper is not due until Monday) and I must submit grades by May 23, but no more getting up at 8:30 a.m. to trudge across town to class.Several students simply stopped coming to class after midterms. I shall probably have to fail at least two, and possibly more. I feel this is where I've failed as a teacher, not inspring students to come to class regularly and hand in their assignments more or less on time.************Physical therapy for my shoulder (rotator cuff tendinitis) is going well. I had one session of ultrasound; it hurt like a sonofabitch and so it's back to the pain patch for me.The therapists (I seldom see the same one twice) give me a variety of exercises and have educated me on what kinds of strength training I can and cannot do when I'm fully healed. They're focusing on strengthening my upper back muscles so my injured rotator cuff doesn't have to do as much work. I'm not allowed to lift more than two pounds now, but with Beelzebub as my witness, I WILL lift five pounds again.In addition to twice-weekly physical therapy, I continue to exercise at the gym most days of the week. I do step aerobics, elliptical glider, stationary bike and treadmill and upper body "bike" (http://www.scifit.com/pro1.asp), which the therapists recommended. I also do about 300 crunches each workout. I'll probably start water aerobics later this month now that the weather has warmed up (I hate getting wet when it's cold) and I have more free time.I was so stressed over the last few weeks awaiting the results (thankfully, negative) of the biopsy that I overate a lot of bad stuff _ scones, puddings, chocolate. I've regained seven pounds of the 150 I lost since October 2003. I'm barely able to squeeze into my size 18 jeans. But I feel ready to get the eating under control and lose those seven pounds again.**********************I exchanged e-mails with a man I met through an online dating site (not eHarmony, which cost me $99 and has not given me even one match). We talked on the phone and agreed to meet in person. But I called twice and left messages to arrange the meeting, and got no answer and no call back.*****************My mother is doing better. Her eyesight has improved slightly and she can read a little more than a month ago. She�s also in a better mood, much less frightened, and talking about resuming physical therapy and exercise for her back. She�ll never see well enough to drive again, so I travel the 45 miles to her house every weekend and take her grocery shopping and do odd jobs around her house.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
---Notes---
2005-05-15 04:14:19 peacemaker
Hang in there Kasey. You are a determined person, but listen to your PT people and don't over do. You will find someone there is a match for everyone who is determined enough to find one. I used to be more agitated by those who dropped out and in college especially I wished that i could have gotten ahold of them and do some outreach.(there was some parent's money involved) It was many years ago that I taught. I found out that there was a lot going on in their lives that was taking their time and attention from all of their studies at least in a few cases. I flunked them with a clear conscience.
---End notes---
2005-06-03 09:25:00 In the mood
I have learned to tell myself these days that my depressive thoughts or feelings are not real. While that knowledge does not make me feel better right away, it does seem to help keep my mood and thoughts from spiraling further into despair.I have noticed a profound mood drop, to the point when I struggle to keep from crying, most evenings at work between 8 p.m. and 11 p.m. I don't think it's related to blood sugar, because I usually eat dinner around 8 p.m., and I usually have a salad 4 p.m. and 6 p.m.Strangely, I don't have this mood drop on my days off.Also (and this has been true for years) I often wake up profoundly depressed.Conversely, I feel euphoric after exercise, which is no surprise. So when I wake up depressed, I remind myself a) that it's not real and b) I'll feel better when I exercise.Maybe I should run up and down the stairs at the office when my mood drops at work. Although it usually takes at least 30 minutes of sweat-inducing exercise to lift my mood in the mornings, maybe a little activity will ward off these evening mood drops.It's still scary not to be able to trust my own mind. But I�m glad that I'm now starting to realize that my thoughts often have no basis in fact, and that I can perhaps resist the slide down the hole.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
---Notes---
2005-06-04 06:26:26 Fyresetter
This is interesting. Maybe you also dont like working nights. Are you on a new shift or is this something you have been doing for a while. I only thought of it because you dont experience it on your days off, so your mood does not shift when in your home location.
---End notes---
2005-06-15 11:26:00 Great White Way
I'm back from my spring trip to Broadway. My capsule reviews of the shows I saw:"Spamalot": A really big show, very funny, relies heavily on Monty Python and Broadway inside humor."The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee": A small, charming, riotously funny show."Dirty Rotten Scoundrels": Another really big show, a lot of fun, but slow in places."Rent": After nine years on Broadway, this venerable musical's performance seems to last five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes."Brooklyn": Shrill and preachy."Doubt": Very intense, but a little weak for a Pulitzer Prize-winning play."Julius Caesar": Denzel Washington's performance as Brutus was blown away by Colm Feore's Cassius.My celebrity sightings were Lynn Redgrave and her dog in Bryant Park; Eric Idle in the Starbucks a half block from the "Spamalot" theater, and John Cleese in the audience of "Spamalot."Other activities included trips to the newly renovated Museum of Modern Art and the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I can see seven shows in five days and remember details about all of them, but half an hour in a museum and I get so overloaded that I feel my head will explode.I walked everywhere in Midtown _ an average of four miles a day. It's great being mobile and fit, not burdened by supermorbid obesity. I also ate way too much _ great barbecue at Spanky's, and fabulous breakfast buffets at the Marriott Marquis. I also had my share of iced chai tea and pastries at various midtown Starbucks.I did not stay at the Marquis, which is right smack in the middle of the theater district, but at a Courtyard by Marriott, which is much less expensive. The hotel is at a great location (5th Avenue and 40th). It's very nice, but not fancy. It had just about everything I needed, including free wireless high-speed Internet access. I would have liked a proper lobby (it has two chairs stuck on front of the door) and a bar that's open later than 10 p.m.The trip was hideously expensive. My next visit to New York in the fall will be paid for with my credit card's bonus points.Kaseyaka Jane Skye SoP.S. In response to a comment posted on my previous entry, I have been working the night shift (ranging from 3 p.m. to 4:30 p.m. start to midnight to 1 a.m. finish) for more than 10 years. I prefer it because I can do things during the day (medical appointments, car in shop) that most people have to take time off from work to do.
2005-06-21 06:01:00 I'm so vain
I had a consult with a plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins Hospital last week. He said I'm a good candidate for a tummy tuck, breast reconstruction and arm lift. Because of my age, my obesity (I've lost 150 pounds and I'm still obese. Grrr!) and diabetes, he would only do one procedure at a time.His office submitted for approval to my insurance company, but I'm not optimstic that I will get approval. So I'm considering paying for the procedure myself. According to various postings on this site and elsewhere, the procedure probably will cost between $10,00 and $15,000. It is Hopkins, after all, so it will be more expensive that at most places.Dr. Navin Singh said I have one of the worst cases of breast ptosis he has ever seen. The procedure he recommended for me involves relocating the nipples, which would result in lost of sensitivity.So I'm thinking I won’t have the breast surgery. Dr. Singh also expressed concern about possible scarring and keloid formation on my arms if I have the arm lift. I'm still willing to have that procedure, because the sagging skin and jiggle on my upper arms area very distressing to me.His office also scheduled the surgery for Aug. 31. If I decide to pay myself, I will plan for that date. Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
---Notes---
2005-06-21 18:44:55 freakychick90
thats a lot of weight lost girl! 150 pounds, good for you! dont get yourself down because you might still be obiese after losing 150 pounds, think of how much more healthy you feel, and how much longer you'll live. and if you get the tummy tuck, the pounds should just melt off. good luck! bye!
2005-06-22 11:14:49 Fyresetter
I guess I have some concerns with this. It may be my personal hatred for hospitals and the medical profession in general. If you dont need the surgery, why bother? Also, I am kind of in the same situation as you, but I have only lost 70 pounds. I know what arm jiggle looks like. Has the doctor discussed with you whether it is better to wait until you have lost all your weight before you do this? Just asking. Best of luck whatever you decide. Fyre :)
2005-06-22 14:20:07 Asteri
Hi Kasey,I wonder, just like Fyre, if surgery is more appropriate or not after all the weight is lost. I eliminated the possibility of any breast lift surgery because I fear losing sensitivity in the nipples. I still try to mend the harm with daily exercises. After 100 pounds, my arms are finally getting better without surgery (the loose skin has been reduced from 3 inches to 1), so there are also other alternatives. After exercises do whatever they can, I'll try mesotherapy before surgery. Have you hade any research regarding this other option? I personally know people who have tried it and it works. Tummy tuck, that's another story because the abdominal area is where we store more fat and the excess skin is greater. Whatever your decision is, I wish you that everything goes well.Blessings,Asteri
---End notes---
2005-08-19 06:46:00 The active life
As usual, it’s been too long since I posted. This summer has been a whirlwind of work, exercise, helping take care of my mother, attending baseball games and street festivals, and arranging to undergo a tummy tuck.I’m living the active lifestyle I could only I fantasize about less than two years ago, when I weighed 365 pounds. Gone are the weekends I lost because I was so tired that I spent virtually all Saturday in bed. Gone are the weekends that required no more planning than that I get to the store and buy enough Dove ice cream bars, cookies and cake to last 60 hours. Gone are the weekends when I did not leave the house or even change out of my pajamas.The abdominoplasty, which I am paying for myself, will take place very soon. I’ve had the pre-op physical and blood work done. I need to get the antibacterial scrub (I ordered some online from a veterinary pharmaceutical house, but I’m not sure if that’s exactly what is needed). I must call the hospital to make sure all the test results were received. I’ve arranged transport to and from the hospital, and for friends to help while I recuperate.Many times, I feel I have given myself a good life. Then, my mood slips and the intrusive thoughts resume. Despite my vastly improved physical health, depression still batters me relentlessly. The black dog continues to nip at my heels even as I walk, glide, pedal, step and weightlift my way through life.My next update will come after I’m home from surgery. Send positive thoughts my way.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
---Notes---
2005-08-19 18:56:18
Dear Jane:Congratulations on your upcomming new life! Its so good to know that people struggle throught the same trials that I do. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you can remain optimistic during your recovery period. Good luckCheersErin!
2005-08-23 02:33:27 peacemaker
You will do well! You are a courageous woman, and mighty persistent too. I know you will stay strong and battle the octopus of depression with success. You always had a much more descriptive name for that foe than I can remember. Good luck with the surgery.
2005-08-25 18:37:32 Jane Skye So
Ah, yes, Peace, I used to call my depression the Despair Squid, after a monster in the sci-fi comedy "Red Dwarf."
---End notes---
2005-08-25 06:38:00 More unpleasantness
I said I wouldn’t post again until after my plastic surgery. But stuff keeps happening.I knew that things would occur that would make my pre-surgery time even more stressful; that’s how my life always goes. But I never predict what exactly will happen to make me sad/inconvenienced/in pain.I’m sad because a former co-worker from the Nightmare on Calvert Street died. He was only 53; he died from a recurrence of lyphoma. I had seen him and his teen-ager daughter at the Whole Foods in the early spring; apparently that was shortly before he learned the cancer, which had been in remission for more than five years, had come back. I’ll be going to his funeral on Saturday. Wayne will be there to; Paul (the dead co-worker) helped Wayne get his current apartment. I'll also see many other former co-workers.I’m inconvenienced because my bathtub drain is clogged. The plumber is due Friday morning. I’m worried that he won’t be able to fix it quickly, and that the repair will cost a fortune. Until it is fixed, I have to shower at the gym.I’m in pain because, seemingly in a instant, I have developed a boil on my tailbone. It hurts to sit in many positions, and I cannot lie flat in my bed for even a minute. The only treatment for now is hot compresses.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
---Notes---
2005-09-08 16:06:21 peacemaker
sorry to hear of the death of a friend. the age old question why do bad things happen to good people, is forever unanswered.
---End notes---
2005-09-11 10:20:00 Recuperating nicely, thank you
I had abdominoplasty on Aug. 31. Surgeon removed 10.2 pounds of skin and fat. Although there is considerable swelling (my waist measurement is three inches bigger than just before surgery) and lots of stitches, already I'm delighted with the results! I can see my pubic area when I sit down and I don't have the bulges of skin hanging over my thighs and sides. Once the swelling subsides in three or four months, I'm sure I'll be even more pleased.I had my first post-op medical visit with surgeon's nurse on Wednesday, and had the drains removed. She also cleared me to drive, to walk up to two miles daily (no other exercise, though, for three more weeks), and to return to work in two weeks. I must wear a binder 24/7 (except when I shower) for six weeks.The surgery went well, although I had a reaction to the anesthesia after the procedure. I fainted twice, apparently because my blood pressure dropped suddenly. I spent one night in hospital.I have had virtually no pain. Keep in mind, because of the extreme amount of exercise I did pre-op (60 minutes to two hours most days, for the past 18 months), I have a very high tolerance for pain.*************While I'm recovering well, my bad luck continues to torment me in other ways. Early Tuesday, I rebooted, then got the BSD again, with these dreaded words: "Unmountable boot volume."I booted in safe mode. Same evil message. Ran Dell diagnostics. "Cannot access hard drive."I knew then that the hard drive was a goner.Call Dell. tech had me run diagnostics again, confirmed that drive was dead. the desktop is under warranty (it is the replacement I got after the burglary in November) and tech said new hard drive would be shipped within two business days, and local tech would come to my house and install it. As of Friday afternoon, no word from Dell as to when hard drive and tech would arrive.In the meantime, I'm connected via laptop.Norton Antivirus was doing its daily scan on my desktop computer when the Blue Screen of Death appeared. That has happened a few times before, so I was not alarmed.On Friday afternoon, while I was sitting waiting for a friend to visit, suddenly started a very loud, vibrating sound from the fireplace. Figuring it was the heating and/or AC unit, I went to the basement and indeed, the sound was coming from the the area of HVAC unit. I turned off the AC and the house fan, and the noise continued. I used the fused box to cut off electricity to the HVAC. The noise rattled on.Panicked, fearing something in the house was about to explode, I called the local company that installed the AC in July. They are only a mile away, and the office manager, who is not an electrician, agreed to come right over. By this time, my friend had arrived, and she helped me round up the cats into the bedroom.The manager named Buck arrived, and found that the racket was being caused not by the HVAC, but a vibrating water pipe, which is why it continued even after I had shut the electricity off. He used the water cutoff, which reduced, but did not eliminate, the vibrating.Buck called his office, and within 10 minutes, two plumbers, Jeff and Chris, had arrived. The plumbers found and replaced an eroded release valve. Total cost: $125 for the time and work of three men who came over immediately when called. Getting my bathrub drain unclogged last month (I foolishly used Roto Rooter instead of local guys) with one guy who came 24 hours afer I called cost twice that.I thanked them profusely, and a box of chocolates is winging its way to Buck, Jeff and Chris.Kasey aka Jane Skye So
---Notes---
2005-09-11 10:30:42 vaniea
good luck healing from the surgery! once you are all healed you will feel like a new person! your luck will change im sure of it you are a good person and good people allwase get better luck when their time comes. i figure it that its god testing us in life and if we stick thru we will have great rewards! have a great recovery and smile you look good with one on your face! ;)
---End notes---
2005-09-18 04:57:00 Letters, we get letters!
I've been going back over my diary, reading comments I did not know had been left. I'll respond to a few:This is from Fyresetter: "I guess I have some concerns with this. It may be my personal hatred for hospitals and the medical profession in general. If you dont need the surgery, why bother? Also, I am kind of in the same situation as you, but I have only lost 70 pounds. I know what arm jiggle looks like. Has the doctor discussed with you whether it is better to wait until you have lost all your weight before you do this? "I'll discuss point by point: "If you dont need the surgery, why bother?" That, of course, is the classic argument made against cosmetic surgery -- why cut into healthy tissue and take the risks attendant with surgery for vanity's sake? Everyone has to decide how much one wants to put up with. In my case, the skin hung over and completely covered my pubic area. I developed persistent rashes and infections in the folds, despite fanatical cleaniness, powders and ointments. My thighs bumped the hanging flesh when I was biking and during step aerobics, resulting in pain, bruising and more rashes.And yes, it looked bloody awful.>>Has the doctor discussed with you whether it is better to wait until you have lost all your weight before you do this? <<>>I wonder, just like Fyre, if surgery is more appropriate or not after all the weight is lost. <<All the weight I'm likely to lose, give or take 10 pounds, has been lost. My weight has been stable since February. The surgeon required that patients' weight be stable for six months before he will perform reconstructive surgery.>>I know what arm jiggle looks like.<< What I have is more of arm flapping than jiggle. Again, each woman must decide how much these things annoy her and what she wants to do about it.>>After 100 pounds, my arms are finally getting better without surgery (the loose skin has been reduced from 3 inches to 1), so there are also other alternatives.<< I'm glad exercise worked for Asteri. I have exercised from 60 minutes to 120 minutes most days, since April 2004. I do aerobics, cardio machines, walking, weight lifting, swimming and Pilates. If a lot of exercise was all it took to eliminate redundant skin after massive weight loss, I'd be taut enough to bounce a quarter off my stomach.>>After exercises do whatever they can, I'll try mesotherapy before surgery.<< From what I've read about mesotherapy, it is touted as a "fat melting" procedure. What I have is excess skin. If anyone has links to peer-reviewed double-blind clinical trials demonstrating the efficacy of mesotherapy, please e-mail them to me. I'd love to read all about it.I am always delighted to exchange ideas with others. I'm eager to address any questions. Kaseyaka Jane Skye SoAnd this from Asteri: "I wonder, just like Fyre, if surgery is more appropriate or not after all the weight is lost. I eliminated the possibility of any breast lift surgery because I fear losing sensitivity in the nipples. I still try to mend the harm with daily exercises. After 100 pounds, my arms are finally getting better without surgery (the loose skin has been reduced from 3 inches to 1), so there are also other alternatives. After exercises do whatever they can, I'll try mesotherapy before surgery. Have you hade any research regarding this other option? I personally know people who have tried it and it works. Tummy tuck, that's another story because the abdominal area is where we store more fat and the excess skin is greater. Whatever your decision is, I wish you that everything goes well."
2005-09-18 09:10:00 Body healing, mind slipping
I'm due to go back to work on Wednesday. Frankly, I can't wait. Sitting around alone for days on end just exacerbates my tendency to live inside my head. And it's not a pleasant place in there.This recovery has reminded me some unpleasant things about myself. I gave in to exhortations that I need to ask for help instead of stoically sucking it up, and I depended heavily on Wayne -- too heavily, it appears. I've foolishly viewed him (and frankly, this is how he views himself) as an indefatigable superman.In fact, he's an out-of-shape middled-aged guy.Wayne's been absolutely exhausted for the entire month, even though he's not been visiting me since Sept. 7. He calls and/or e-mails every other day. He's also had a lot of demands at work, and his parents blew through town last week and will blow back through town this week.I've called him, anxious and clingy and weepy, a few times. I really hate it when I get like that, but it's how I am when I spend most of my time alone, unable to distract myself with excessive exercise. Inside my head is a charred hellscape ruled by the despair squid, and I often have trouble knowing what's real and what's just in my mind.I also learned a few unpleasant things about Wayne. He can be very controlling and dictatorial. I also asked for help during my recuperation from many other people, only a few of whom actually provided assistance. I was hurt and confused by this lack of support; it's simply the way I view things. Everything ultimately comes down to rejection and disappointment.In 1994, I had a hysterectomy. I was in hospital for three days, then home, not working, for six weeks. I did not have anyone accompany me to the hospital; I asked that people not visit me in the hospital (fear of germs, mostly, but also because I didn't want to be hurt if no one showed up) and I hired a nursing assistant to drive me home and visit me daily for about a week. During this time, there were several back-to-back ice storms, so people were unable to visit me. I managed fine on my own. I wasn't hurt or disappointed by people not coming to visit because a) the weather and b) I didn't ask anybody for help.I was weepy and anxious and frightened, like always, but I was able to keep it to myself because no one was around. I wasn't demanding of kind-hearted people.I wish I had done the same this time; I certainly will the next time I'm laid up. As lonely as I get most of the time, I always do better by myself.I've been going over my finances. I took quite a few hits with the house recently, with having to replace the central air-conditioning, and getting pipes fixed twice. And I still don't know what the final bill will be for the abdominoplasty. I paid $10,000 based on an estimate, but that could rise.I've dipped again into my home equity line. I still have a fair amount of equity in my house; I have a reasonable amount in my IRA and Roth, and I contribute seven percent to my 401(k), with my employer matching three percent. But I'm worried sick -- I know I spend too much, and every move I make to cut down on spending seems to fall by the wayside in a few weeks.But, I remind myself, that's exactly what happened with every diet I'd been on until the one I started nearly two years ago. I've proved I can cut back severely on food; now I need to apply the same discipline to money.So I'm trying, again, to cut back on expenses. I will eliminate the movie channels on my satellite TV -- that will save $40 a month, and I seldom watch movies anyway. My most difficult effort will be eliminating Starbucks. That will save me about $100 a month, and several thousand calories. But I just love the iced venti mocha latte and pumpkin scones. My goal is to stay away from Starbucks until November, when the eggnog latte, my all-time fav, arrives.Mostly, though, I need to stop buying clothes and electronic trinkets and CDs and DVDs.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
---Notes---
2005-09-18 10:07:27 peacemaker
First congratulations on your good judgement with regard to retirement planning. It will pay off big time when it has to, and it must give you some sense of security as well.
Wayne seems to me to fit the category of life long friend. I wouldn't feel bad about leaning on him. This is a mutual relationship with you giving to him on some level too, or it wouldn't have continued this long.
I didn't know because I haven't visit here for some time that you were actually having the planned surgery.
---End notes---
2005-09-20 06:39:00 Speed rejection
I gathered up my courage and attended a speed dating event. Do a Google search if you are not familiar with this phenomenon.Let's put the bad news right at the top: No one selected me for a second date, even though I listed three of the six men I "speed dated" as men I was interested in having a second date. Here is the boilerplate from the e-mail from the speed dating Web site:"Nearly everyone at the event was selected by someone, but a match can occur only if you chose the people who chose you. At this time it appears that we do not have any matches to report to you."Nearly everyone but me was selected?! The Web site also claims that 90 percent of people who attend their functions get second dates. I'm the one out of 10. I'm the freak no one wanted. I'm the fat, old, ugly woman that none of the men was interested in. I hope I can put this massive rejection behind me to write a detailed entry about the event. It was fascinating and fun, I learned a lot, and I left feeling uncharacteristically positive about myself and hopeful that I had been smart and funny and charming enough that at least one guy would want to see me again. But learning that no one wanted to see me again sure sucked the wind out of my sails.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
---Notes---
2005-09-24 00:40:32 peacemaker
so sorry you felt passed over. remember persistence pays! Keep shopping.
---End notes---
2005-10-08 08:01:00 Speeding Dating Part I
Speed dating background: Speed dating are events organized at a bar or restaurant. People pay for an event at which (it is hoped) an equal number of men and women gather, and then are paired off at tables for three minutes to 10 minutes. At the end of the designated time, the event host rings a bell, and everyone moves to another person at another table, chats for the time length and it continues. It is more choreographed than it sounds, and that's the point. Participants are forced to talk with whoever is randomly assigned to their table.The event is organized according to age groups; some events are more specialized, focusing on religious or professional interests. There are also gay and lesbian events. One signs up on a Web site, and 24 hours before the event begins, e-mails are sent inviting people. This is how they get a nearly equal number of men and women at the events.Every gets a name tag with their first name and a number. Cards are also given out, so one can make notes about the each person. At the end of the event, each person writes on the card what they hope for next from each person they "dated": Friend, or second date, or neither. A "match" is made if both people select the same thing (friend or date).How it is handled afterward varies. Some events have people hand in their cards at the end of the event, and you are told right then if the people you selected as friend or date also selected you for the same thing. Others have you go home and input your selections on a Web site, and then if someone else at the event picks you in the same category, you have a match and e-mail addresses are exchanged.Let me make one thing clear from the beginning: Most of the Web sites of these events proclaim very loudly and repeatedly that speed dating is "rejection free." There are no face-to-face rejections, which is something everybody hates, and is the biggest disadvantage of trying to chat someone up at a bar or party or nightclub.But one is still rejected if you select people you want to date and they don't select you. It still hurts to know that you liked and were interested in somebody and got your hopes up, based on your "speed date," that perhaps there were a connection and maybe they liked you to.It's still incredibly painful to find out the other person didn't care for you.I this began quest for male companionship last year with some online dating sites. My rejection rate was staggering. On one site, my profile had more than 800 hits, but not one man followed up by contacting me. I believe that my words drew men in, but once they saw my picture, they ran screaming away.Another site, which advertises heavily on TV, claim it will help one find "the love of your life" because they match on so many levels of interests and requirements. They promise at least one match a month, and claim to have 1 million members.I paid $100 for a three-month membership. No matches. They offered me a second three-month membership for free. Still no matches. In my third free three-month membership, I got two matches. Both men "closed" the match (i.e. rejected me) without even exchanging a single e-mail with me. This is a site that on almost every screen says: "Keep and open mind! Make a real effort to communicate with each match you get! Give everyone who matches you a chance!" I figure the men took one look at my picture and ran screaming the other way.Of course, I am getting no attention in real life. I spend as much as two hours a day at the gym, where there are plenty of men. Not one man has approached me. No one chats me up at the grocery, at Starbucks, at the ball game, at the street festivals I frequent. It's as if I'm invisible.When I weighed 365 pounds, men looked at me with disgust and revulsion. Now that I weigh 150 pounds less, men don't look at me at all.OK, I can can accept that. No man is going to look at me and feel and instant attraction. I'm fat, ugly and middle-aged. The only way I can get a man interested is if he is able to see my inner beauty -- my sense of humor, my friendliness, my intelligence, my quick wit, my kindness, my warmth and my sexiness.Speed dating seemed like one way to do that.Read Part II for my speed dating experience.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
---Notes---
2005-10-08 20:04:10 Lenne
I've heard about this before.
---End notes---
2005-10-08 08:03:00 Speeding Dating Part II
How to get a year's worth of rejections in just two hours.Spoiler: As I said two entries ago, I did not get any matches from my speed dating adventure. The following is a narrative about my experience. It's long, but I hope some (and I, in a few years) will find it informative and funny.Disclaimer: I make no judgments about people based on things they can't control, including, but not limited to, physical ability, race, sex, age, ethnic origin, or how little hair one has on one's head. I don't think attractive people are superior and ugly people are inferior, nor to I prefer the company of any one group over any other.But I am an observer providing information, and I believe, for this tale, the information needs to include details about ability, race, sex, age, ethnic origin, or how little hair has on one's head. I will also include some observations describing physical appearance. Readers must keep in mind that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. If I describe someone as pretty or handsome, that is my assessment. Regardless, my stating that some is pretty or ugly is simply an observation, not a value judgment.Here is an example of how I would describe myself if I were a stranger seeing me for the first time (OK, it's awkwardly worded; work with me here, people):At first glance, a rather striking-looking woman because she is tall and has thick, dark brown dreadlocks cascading well past her shoulders. Close up, though, she looks her age, her face is tired-looking, with a double chin and bags under her eyes, and she's fat. She has a nice smile, though, with great teeth.Ready?I put on my prettiest dress, rather than my uniform of jeans and tailored shirt, spray on Opium perfume, which makes me feel sexy, and I drive to a nearby suburb of the decaying mid-Atlantic metropolis I call home for a speed dating event. This event was for people ages 40-55; we each paid $35.(Fun facts: I am a 53-year-old black woman. The population of above-mentioned metropolis I live in is 66 percent black; the entire metro area, though, is 25 percent black.)I arrive at the designated restaurant, at which I had dined a few times before. After waiting more than half an hour at the bar, we were summoned and given name tags and a dating card, telling us which table to start at, and then which table to go to after each eight-minute "date." We also got cards on which we were to mark each "date's" name and what we wanted for afterward -- friend or second date or neither.I observed the others as they took their seats. There were about 20.There was one other black woman; no black men. The women were mostly ordinary-looking. The other black woman was taller than me and very thin. One woman had long red hair and looked fairly attractive. I was not the fattest woman there, which was something of a relief to me. Most of the women wore dresses or skirts.The men were all ordinary- or dumpy-looking. Only two were taller than me. Only one wore a tie. One was dressed in "Miami Vice" fashion, which made him look 20 years out of date. Some were slightly overweight, and most were in varying stages of hair loss.In other words, this was a typical crowd of middle-aged people from an urban area (except for the lack of racial diversity). I started to relax a little, because clearly, I was on the same level of physical attractiveness as the others.As I'm looking around, I saw one man -- OMG! He works in my office. And I work in a very small office -- only 20 people. How awkward is that?! So I walk over to me, greet him, and we get the awkwardness sort of out of the way. We were not put on a "date" during the evening, and chatted briefly during the break.The host sounded the bell, and speeding dating began.Bachelor #1: He was the one who wore the tie. He brought a plate of food to the table (chicken wings and cheese cubes were provided) and was eating as he talked to me. (Tip #1: Don't eat during speed dates. Eat before or after, but not during.)I had to pry info out of him, but he had done some interesting things, was widely traveled and had snorkeled in the Red Sea, something I long to do. I asked him one of the questions suggested by another speed dating site: "If you could talk to anyone in history, who would it be?" He said Alexander the Great. He finally asked me a question, the same one about anybody in history. (Tip #2: Pretend to be interested and ask questions during speed date. Don't make the other person do all the work.)Assessment: He could have been interesting, but didn't seem to be trying very hard. Maybe he just didn't like me. I marked him neither (not friend, not second date).Bachelor #2: This was the guy who apparently raided Don Johnson's "Miam Vice" wardrobe, down to the large gold medallion dangling round his neck. His cologne was nauseating me. He had semi-bad teeth. (Tip #3: Guys, take care your teeth. Brush, floss, see the dentist at least twice a year, get orthodontics or other work done if necessary. The first thing some women notice about a man is his smile, and if your teeth are stained and/or missing, your smile is just creepy.)He said this was his third try at speed dating, and he knew a couple of the women there. He said he viewed it as networking more than looking for Ms. Right. He said he went out dancing several nights a week, could do all kinds -- ballroom, disco, country, salsa -- and was entirely self-taught.I wondered aloud how a straight guy who dances so well could be lacking in dates. He said something about how women were threatened by his ability. I didn't quite understand. He was lively and animated, though, and I would love to be able to go out dancing with a man who could teach me new steps.Assessment: I marked him as second date.Bachelor #3: He has red hair, a pot belly, bad teeth that make whistling noises when he speaks. But he's very attentive, asks good questions, and seems impressed that I know about the technology he sells. I can see having good conversations with him.Assessment: I marked him as a second date.Bachelor #4: Short, thin guy with no personality. He talked at length about how a cat he adopted from a local animal rescue group gave him ringworm. (Tip #4: Do not talk about parasites on speed dates.) He asked me very few questions.Assessment: I marked him neither (not friend, not second date).Bachelor #5: A small man with bleached blond hair and no personality. He had a horse farm but did not ride. Had little to say, asked very few questions.Assessment: I marked him neither (not friend, not second date).Bachelor #6: Short, thin mustached man with the worst teeth yet. He had two packs of cigarettes in his breast pocket. Owned a small mechanical contracting business and liked flyfishing. Although he talked too much about his ex-wife, he laughed at my jokes and seemed interested. I thought we hit it off. After the whole speed dating event was over, he came up to me and said he had enjoyed talking with me. Despite my hesitancy to date a smoker, I was intrigued and hopeful.Assessment: I marked him as a second date.What was supposed to be a seventh date degenerated into confusion as the hosts had numbers on cards wrong. One man sat at my table, and rather than talk to me while things got straigthened out, immediately jumped back up and went to the other side of the room. I guess he really found me repulsive.Because of the continuing confusion, the speed dating ended there. We are all supposed to have eight dates, the host said, and because of the mixups, we would all get coupons via e-mail for another free speed dating event. It's been nearly a month, and I have not received said coupon.I left feeling hopeful. I felt I had done well and made a connection with at least one man. But checking the site later, I saw no one picked me for a second date.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
2005-10-09 06:33:00 Back to overworking, overtraining
I went back to work full time exactly three weeks after undergoing abdominoplasty. The first few days were a little difficult -- my abs hurt while sitting upright for several hours, and I got tired fairly early in my shift. Now it's as if I was never out sick.
I've resumed my full cardio exercise regimen; I did two hours on four machines on Friday, and I took four step aerobics classes this week. I can also do some crunches, but I'm still weeks away from resuming Pilates and weightlifting.
I'll be seeing the plastic surgeon on Monday. I hope I'll be released from this binder I've had to wear cinching my waist.
My stomach looks awesome! The swelling has gone done, and it's nearly flat. It is a relief not to have sagging skin bumping my thighs in aerobics class or on the stationary bike. The size 18W jeans I was wearing before surgery at loose, although I can't fit into any size 16W just yet. A few people at the gym have remarked that I've lost more weight. One woman said my aura had changed.
This was a very positive decision for me. I had doubts about undergoing surgery mostly for vanity's sake, but the results are so outstanding that I'm already planning the next procedure -- arm lift and possibly breast reduction.
Kasey
aka Jane Skye So
---Notes---
2005-11-02 17:05:42 SherylM
You may not remember me, but I used to read you about 4 years ago. I left MDD and went to xanga, but come back occasionally to see how people are doing. It sounds like you have really made some positive changes in your life! Good luck!
---End notes---
Friday, March 30, 2007
Diary Backup Part 5
20:22:14 So much still to learn
My motto: I have seen everything, and I have seen nothing. One of my favorite things about MDD is I get a peek into other's lives, lives that I would never have a chance to know about otherwise. This is extremely important to me as I age. I don't want to be one of those middle-aged people who thinks she has seen it all and therefore as formed the right opinions. And one of the most valuable lessons I have learned in reading other diaries is that things are very seldom clearcut, black or white, up or down, 100 percent right or 100 percent wrong. Life is complicated. I hope I have contributed to the expansion of knowledge of my readers, as well. I hope I have opened the minds of a few people who don't know any atheists, and shown them that one can live a highly moral, deeply righteous life with strong values that are not derived from belief in a supreme being. It was through Debbs' diary that I became acquainted with Daisymarie's diary. There is much vicious discourse in the comments section of Daisymarie's postings. I always welcome spirited debate based on facts and well-thought-out opinions. I relish to chance to see how others view the same words that I view. I value the insight of people who have dealt with similar situations. And I applaud the braveness of people who have survived horrid situations, and are willing to share their stories with others. I am discouraged by people who mistake name-calling for discourse, who sit in judgment, and who do not believe in forgiveness or the unwavering support of someone you love. And I will continue to say as I have said in these pages many times before: People who post anonymously are cowards. Daisymarie's situation evokes strong emotion. I understand that those who have been hurt by actions like the ones that have landed her in jail feel anger, betrayal, confusion, disgust, revulsion. I understand how furious they must be that this woman, who admits to committing sexual battery on a teen-ager, can have a supportive family, loving friends, and fans of her diary. I take that back. I can't understand what seems to me to be a blanket, everlasting condemnation of anyone who commits this heinous act. Witness, one cowardly posting: she can burn in hell with satan!!!! Yeah, that will raise the level of discourse and help people understand complex issues. Let me tackle the issues. 1) Daisymarie is a convicted child molester. No argument there. She has admitted as such, pleaded guilty and is serving her sentence. 2) Such people should be shunned forever by civilized society. That's a tough one. It dismisses the notion of forgiveness, which most organized religions preach. It also runs counter society's allowance for second chances, rehabilitation, in paying one's debt to society and being allowed a fresh start. I cannot blame anyone who chooses to have nothing to do with Daisymarie. One commenter, a woman confident enough in her beliefs to post her diary name rather than cower under the cloak of anonymous posting IDs, asks if anyone would leave their children alone with Daisymarie. A excellent question, and while I don't have children, I think anyone would have to be nuts to allow their children near Daisymarie or anyone else convicted of this crime. This is not to be interpreted that I believe Daisymarie will repeat her crime. I don't. Which is why I have such a problem with the "burn in hell" brigade. 3) Such people should be abandoned by their family and friends. I cannot go along with that. I firmly believe in hating the sin, loving the sinner. Being a friend means not turning your back on her even when she's done something horrible. You can't pick your family, but I hope that making a big, horrible mistake is not grounds for withdrawing the love of a parent, a spouse, a sibling, a child. This does not mean that some people don't deserve to be abandoned by family and friends. If someone you love repeatedly fucks up, despite being forgiven and helped, at some point the only safe thing to do is cut them off. 4) Daisymarie has no right to feel happy, safe, loved, productive. She has no right to have fans of her diary or her writings. She has no right to anything good, ever. Again, such an extreme position is born from emotion, not facts or reality. Anyone who doesn't like the fact that she has a diary here need not read it. Anyone who thinks her fans are misguided, again, don't read what her fans write. But some of her comments seem to want Daisymarie to be locked in a cage with no contact from anyone except her jailers, to have no comfort, no pleasure, no love, for the rest of her life. That won't happen, and the anger of these people will continue to hurt them a lot more than Daisymarie. 5) Daisymarie's supporters are blinded by her articulate writing and high education level. I cannot speak for anyone else. I will say that no matter how well someone writes or speaks, I always can see bullshit for what it is. That fact that I admire someone's ability to string words together does not mean that I ignore everything else, good or bad, about her. 6) If Daisymarie were a man, her supporters would not be as sympathetic toward her. I agree 100 percent. I consider myself a fan and supporter, and I'm not proud of the fact that I view Daisymarie differently than a man in a similar situation. That's how I feel, and I fully accept that it is illogical and sexist. I consider myself to be a hard-core feminist, and I have always believed that with equal rights comes equal responsibility and accountability. I can offer no logical explanation for why I feel this way about Daisymarie. 7) Daisymarie is not contrite and has not accepted full responsibility for her crime. That appears to be correct. She continues to behave like the typical child molester in that she blames the victim a lot more than she blames herslef. I firmly believe that adults have the responsibility to act like adults, not matter how sexually aware, how street-smart, how manipulative, no matter how needy, no matter how damaged the child might be. Sex with a child is ALWAYS wrong. It is NEVER the child's fault. Because the girl involved is a teen-ager, nearly an adult, the lines might be blurred. Too bad. Having sex with a child is wrong, Daisymarie knew it was wrong. She has conveniently left out many details that would help me and other readers understand the situation fully. She has not detailed the nature of the abuse, the situations under which it happened, what exactly happened (are we talking a kiss, fondling, oral sex?) how many times it happened (once for 10 seconds, several times for full-fledged sex, or what?)how long it went on. Daisymarie made this statement early in her diary: I have had one other relationship with a female. In a later posting, she said that "relationship" was with the teen-ager girl she admitted to molesting. This troubles me greatly. Bottom line: I think Daisymarie is a good person with a lot to offer who until recently led a life I would be proud of. But she did something horrible, and hurt many people. She and only she is to blame for that, and she needs to get her head around that concept before she can once again become the person she was, and then a better person. Daisymarie is being punished according to the laws of our society. I can ask no more. When she has paid her debt to society, I wish her success in rebuilding her life, her family and her career. Some people will always shun her, and that is their right. Everyone should keep their children, especially teen-agers, away from her. There are many jobs that she, quite rightly, will not be allowed to hold. I will not join with those who want Daisymarie destroyed, punished horribly for the rest of her life. Our laws don't allow for this; life in prison was not an option afforded to those charged with judging and punishing Daisymarie. I will continue to read her diary, and I will offer her support if she seeks it from me. I welcome, indeed, look forward to debate and disagreement. Understand this: I do not acknowledge anonymous comments or posts that call names or invoke eternal damnation. No exceptions will be made. I stand behind my words. I am not ashamed or embarrassed by anything I've written here. I have nothing to hide. I will NEVER hide conceal my identity when I have something to say. Kasey Jones (aka Jane Skye So)5418 Biddison AveBaltimore Md 21206kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-02-19 01:24:43 debbs2
WOW you seem to have really given this some thought. I wish I could be as clear on my thoughts. I too would have a problem DM was a male. I am one of the "nuts" that would leave my child (if I had one) in the unsupervised care of DM. I wish I could understand how I could feel this way. If you have any further thoughts on this I would appreciate your input. You can email them to me if you would prefer. I am so confused by this right now...and am seeking answers for myself. Thanks, my friend. debbsdebbs@hotmail.com
2002-02-19 10:11:28 Asteri
Wow :) You're such a brilliant woman.
2002-02-19 10:47:05 Emerald Dragon
As always I admire your courage and conviction to to say what you feel. I agree 100 percent about if you can say it - you should be proud - after all - it is your own though or opinion.
---End notes---
2002-02-20 21:31:46 Latest updates
Got note from doctor saying my cholesterol is 270 and I need to start taking medication to lower it. My blood sugar is also very high -- prediabetic. That I can reduce with weight loss and exercise. She hasn't suggested medication yet. I've got to get it under control; both my paternal grandparents died of diabetes complications before they were 55. My mother's two brothers lost sight and limbs to the disease. Sure hope my next potential job doesn't require an extensive physical. Man, middle age sucks! Still have mammogram and Electromyogram (EMG) and Nerve Conduction tests before I see my doc again near end of March. Met with stockbroker on Tuesday. Just need a simple form to rollover my 401(k). Will invest buyout money in cash. 401(k) money will stay in same investments as now until early 2003, when, it is hoped, I will have another job and another 401(k). Met with lawyer today. She said employer cannot require me to waive right to seek worker's compensation. So wrist problem will be taken care of, one way or the other. She also pointed out that I will be allowed to put the max into my 401(k) from the buyout. That will ease my considerable tax burden for 2002. Plans are already under way for big going-away bash. Ann and I have booked a duckpin bowling alley for a Saturday night in April. We will have the place to ourselves (at least 100 of my closest friends) and can bring our own food and bowl as much as we like. Sounds like a raucous good time. I promise to take pictures and post them. kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-02-22 15:21:18 Freedoms Wings
I really enjoyed your last two entries. I hope all goes well with the bash. I'm rooting for you.
---End notes---
2002-02-26 17:11:06 Taking shape and getting real
things are rolling along merrily. got projections about my three pensions. (Don't ask why I have three with one company.) starting at age 55, and ending when i start collecting social security, I will get about $284 a month. woo woo! Monte Carlo, here I come.i'll petition to get the smallest pension, which would pay me $11.88 a month, in a lump sum so i can roll it over into an IRA. i will get to put the max this year into the 401(k). Plus, my beneficient employer will kick in another three percent.i am having NO luck in finding ways to cut my expenses in preparation for paycheck-less times ahead. By paying off my last credit card debt, I will shave $350 a month from my expenses, but I will also have spent nearly a third of the buyout money. I just got notice that my car insurance is going up 12 percent because of a fender-bender I had in late October.The house needs a lot of little things done in the spring -- fix gutter guards, repair short-out lights, trim back holly bush, evergreen and back yard bushes.And I hope to take two road trips, one south to North Carolina and then north to Toronto, and a second one to Milwaukee by way of Pittsburgh and Cleveland. Plus day trips to visit friends in neighboring states. And baseball games, and the theater.I will be selling two of my three desktop computers. I already have a buyer for one. I'll use the computer sale money to buy a treadmill. Gotta start exercising. One way to reduce me and my expenses is to do my own cooking instead of getting carryout, fast food and pizza. With spring coming, I can cook and feast on fresh veggies and fruit. And yes, I'll have to cut back on the daily trip to Starbucks and the daily duo Dove bars.Now, I'm just eager for it to start, which will be in 45 days. ***************************************Wayne and I went to Carraba's for dinner Sunday night. We both stuffed ourselves. We did some work around each other's homes (he's setting up a darkroom) and talked for several hours. Wayne is very glad I'm getting away from prick boy and taking time to heal body and soul.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-02-26 21:20:19 Asteri
I'm sure you'll do great. :)
2002-02-27 13:21:13 Emerald Dragon
so glad to hear that things are movinf sow ell for you. I also agree that it will allow your mind and soul to soar free when you fly the coop on Calvert Street.
---End notes---
2002-03-03 21:40:10 Weekend fun
yippie, we have rain! i even heard the sump pump, so we must have gotten a good amount. hope this eases the drought a little. motored to the Lyric Opera House to see "tommy" on Saturday. the Lyric has the tiniest, most uncomfortable seats in the area. Luckily, the house was not full, so i moved so i had an empty seat on each side. during intermission, i tormented the orchestra in the pit. the show itself was only kinda good. i hated the second act -- it bore no resemblance to pete townsend's conception. one had no idea why the crowd turned against tommy, and the end was all syrupy and fake sentiment about how family is what's really important. good performances by young tommy (it was the understudy; child labor laws prohibit kids working matinee and evening performance on same day); cousin kevin; and the swing performers who did rev. simpson, pinball lads and the hawker. mediocre performances by tommy and mrs. walker. and i was ready to hurl rotten fruit at the acid queen. i guess once you've seen tina turner's interpretation, nothing else comes close. next up: "the best little whorehouse in texas," with ann-margret and gary sandy. after the show, i dashed to eddie's, got buffalo chicken wraps and ham-potato salad for the party a going-away party for two co-workers, who have been at the Nightmare on Calvert Street for 28 and 24 years respectively, and who took buyouts. ann arrives, curlers still in her hair, and we proceed to get lost in the pouring rain on the east side. ann likes to make illegal u-turns. we finally arrive at the steelworkers hall, ann removes curlers and we carry food and stuff in. the hall is full of former and current sun people, many of whom i've not seen in a year and some for several years. one left the sun 10 years ago, freelanced, went to law school, worked in law for a few years, got burned out, spent a year writting a book, and married and has two children. whew! advice i got from the dearly departed: shower every day get a job at one of the universities; benefits are great, including free tuition take a break; don't dive into job hunting right away don't change careers in your early 40s (this from a 45-year-old who thought i was younger than she) cooking sucks as a career choice (this from my twin, karen warmkessel, who took a buyout several years ago to try her hand at being a chef; after working in several restaurants, she recently got a job doing public relations at a local hospital) there is life after the sun i ate at the party -- jambalaya, brownies, sugared nuts. (not the most balanced meal, but semi-nutritious and very filling). ann and i careened home about 10 p.m. next up: another co-worker's farewell bash. i'm driving this time.*********************************** on friday, i had lunch with bill a sports writer; molly, departed last year as sports editor; and elaine, the sports department secretary. bill bought us lunch at capt. harvey's, where he used to hang out so frequently that the sports editors still have that number listed to call him when they have questions on bill's stories. bill had a stroke while covering a basketball game 18 months ago. he was 46, a year younger than me. this was the first time i had seen him since then, although i had talked with bill on the phone many times since he was stricken. bill has not regained full use of his right side. he can walk and move very slowly. he has lost about 50 pounds, and he was not a heavy man before. his appetite is good but he has trouble using utensils. his mind is sharp, although he has the problem common to stroke patients in which he sometimes speaks too loudly. he also gets emotional very easily, and brushed away tears twice during our two-hour lunch. he writes on a company laptop from home. bill can't drive yet, so he does interviews by phone and gets info via e-mail. he said he long ago ran out of sick leave, but the executive editor has said the sun will do whatever needs to be done to accomodate him and his recovery. that gives me the biggest pause in considering my departure. even with all the sick leave i took in the last year, i never came near running out of accumulated time. but i knew even if i did, i wouldn't have to worry about getting paid. i doubt many other employers will be that generous. anyway, molly is getting teacher certification to teach english as a second language. she described how desperate public education is for K-12: anyone with a bachelor's degree can walk into a public school and be doing substitute teaching the next day. never mind that you've never taken a single education course or never taught in your life. and many school systems will pay you to teach and pay your tuition to get certification. of course, the pay is abysmal. a full-time teacher starting out will make about $10,000 a year. that is a crime. despite this, molly seemed relaxed and happy. she, too, said there is life after the sun.**************************************** my sleep problems continue. what little sleep i get is punctuated with nightmares. thursday night i dreamed i was in a building that was under attack by maruading forces. there was machine gun fire; hand grenades and other assorted violence. i spent the whole dream running around the building trying to escape the attackers. i guess one doesn't have to be sigmund freud to know that this means i feel i'm trapped in a desperate situation and trying, but not finding, a way out. i also got a killer leg cramp; it was so bad it injured my calf muscle and i feel it with every step. i also have been getting severe headaches during the night. that's part of the sleep apnea. on my ever-growing to-do list when i'm on sabbatical, i'm going to go back to the sleep clinic and see if i can't get the CPAP machine working for me. dr. marburg knows one of the experts there, so maybe i'll get better care than i have in the past. on the plus side, my right hand, arm and wrist haven't been hurting nearly as much. Just 39 days to go!kasey@byteme.com
2002-03-04 21:16:05 Elder care
(Much of the information below comes from http://www.spinalstenosis.org.)My mother, who is 76, suffers from lumbar spinal stenosis. It is a common illness of old age; symptoms most commonly appear after age 60. Mom was diagnosed about a year ago; since then she has deteriorated quite rapidly, which is not typical of the condition.Her symptoms include: Symptoms include:Dull to severe aching pain in the lower back or buttocks that develops with walking. Pain radiates into one or both thighs and legs. Symptoms relieved by bending forward, sitting or lying down. My mother has been through all the conservative treatment options: Orthosis and Controlled Physical Activity; Physical Therapy; Non-steroidal anti-inflammatory medications, such as ibuprofen, aspirin, acetaminophen and naproxen; and Epidural Injections. all provided only temporary relief.Surgery is clearly indicated for someone with her degree of disability: disabling back and leg pain and significant limitations in walking.The most common surgical procedure for stenosis is a decompressive laminectomy. Often referred to as 'unroofing' the spine, this procedure involves the removal of the lamina as well as the attached ligaments that cause compression of the spinal sac and nerve roots, and the removal of hypertrophic facet capsules and osteophytes, uncinate spurs, and protruding disc material such that the nerves are free from compression.Success rate of the surgery is about 65 percent to 75 percent. This is difficult to measure, because the procedure is performed to improve quality of life, and that is quite subjective.A 1985 study showed a six-week mortality rate of this surgery at .8 percent. Morbidity includes the usual surgical risks, plus the danger of doing further damage to the spine. Risks increase for the elderly.Mom only hears the downside. She has greatly exaggerated the mortality rate in her mind, and at this point is refusing to consider surgery. This also is quite common. There is an average of four years time between when a patient is diagnosed with spinal stenosis and when they undergo surgery. Mom has deteriorated much more quickly than average, however.When my mother gets like this, there is no reasoning with her. Frankly, I can't blame her hesitation. I just wish she would get the facts and HEAR them. She has tried all conservative treatment. She is NOT going to get better without surgery. The longer she waits, the older and more frail she will be, and therefore, more likely to have a poor outcome.She cannot walk more than 30 feet without sitting down to relieve severe back and leg pain. She refuses to let me buy her a wheelchair or one of those scooters, but she needs to borrow one whenever she goes to the theater or airport. She's talking about moving from her house into an apartment at her retirement village, because it's too far to walk to the dining hall.I guess bottom line, this is not my problem. I worry because I live so close to her, and talk with her nearly every day. But she will make her own decisions.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-03-11 09:01:56 Freedoms Wings
It's pretty natural to worry even if it's not your problem.
---End notes---
2002-03-11 20:16:56 Sorry I haven't written lately
who would have thought that quitting a job would be so time-consuming?it's less than five weeks to the end of my sentence at the Nightmare on Calvert Street. so far, the time has been a whirlwind of doctor's appointments, meetings with lawyers and accountants, going-away parties (i'm the last one to leave in this round of buyouts, but far from the only one), "career transition" workshops, phone tag with human resources and the administrator of my pension plans and 401(k), selling no-longer-needed computers, buying the latest and greatest gear, getting leads on jobs, contacting friends, buying clothes i can wear on job interviews, and arranging for the big going-away-duckpin-Iron-Chef bash.and i still have a household to run, a house that needs spring cleaning and several minor, but annoying, repairs, and a disabled mom to look after.And, oh yeah, I still have a job to do. the users do not care that i'm leaving; most of them are too self-absorbed to notice. wait till they find out the company will not refill my position and there will be NO ONE to provide tech support at night. teehee.On Saturday night, I drove three counties away to a going-away party for a colleague. On Sunday morning, I drove to a neighboring state to have lunch with two long-departed colleagues. One works at the evil paper down the road, and says that there are part-time openings. I shall look into that later -- much later. Right now, I'm run so ragged I can't get a decent night's sleep.this week, it's torture time as i allow doctors at a world-renowned medical institution to stick electrodes into my aching right wrist to test for nerve damage. last week, it was eyeball-fondling time with the eye doctor, and next week, it's a mammogram. i've spent more time at doctors' offices this month than in all of 2001.once again, i've fallen behind on my favs here at MDD. i apologize; once i'm unemployed, i'll get caught up.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-03-11 21:49:16 peacemaker
congratulations on your decision! Hope the transition is an easy one for you! How will it be with W-2 ?
2002-03-11 22:44:17 solo
Geeze I need a rest just reading about all that! Hope it all works out for you.
2002-03-12 14:56:19 Asteri
May be I'm wrong, but I kind of felt you 'happy' while writing this last entry. I think it's good you're busy doing all that stuff. I wish lots of health for your mother and strenght to you. Take a lot of care dear...
2002-03-12 21:39:47 Freedoms Wings
Hi!
---End notes---
2002-03-17 17:32:35 Best care anywhere
I'm driving around the huge, inner-city campus that is The Johns Hopkins Medical Institutions. More than the world-renowned Johns Hopkins Hospital, more than the near-Ivy League Johns Hopkins University, Hopkins' fingers inflitrate many parts of this decaying city. Hopkins is a blessing and a curse to this metropolis. Once I've found a space in one of dozens of nearly full parking garages, I make my way toward the oupatient clinic. I've been here many times before. I've had major and minor surgery here, and numerous consults. I was also here shuttling my ailing dad to appointments after he had a stroke, and when he was diagnosed with kidney cancer. I always imagined Dad would die here, after being admitted through the ER in cardiac distress. He didn't; he died at his home in his sleep. Despite my familiarity with Hopkins, I don't take it for granted. Every time I walk in, I am taken by a sense of awe, by a sense of entering hallowed halls, almost a holy, reverent place. So much says: This is the big time. This is the show. The best and the brightest, the latest and greatest, the cutting edge and beyond of medical care and research, go on right here. No expense is spared, nothing but the best, the highest quality, the most talented, hardworking, and yes, egotistical physicians parade through these halls. The best care anywhere. Yes, people die here. No matter what, people will always die. Yes, sometimes people leave here in worse shape than they came in. That will always happen, and often, that is the price of research. And, sometimes, Hopkins stumbles. Malpractice is committed. This medical mecca is far from perfect. The outpatient lobby has the look of a hotel lobby. A sign points to guest services. Not patient services; guest services. Arrangements can be made at guest services for hotel rooms, rental cars. I see two limosines parked just outside. I see people wearing expensive clothes, expensive jewelry. Another sign in a dozen languages advises how to get someone who speaks your language. I hear Spanish, French, Italian, Arabic, and Indian dialects spoken. I see people in their native garb. I hear a dozen variations of English accents. I hear the crisp, exact speech patterns of the upper class, the wealthy, the educated. The seriously ill come from all over the world to get treated at Hopkins. People travel thousands of miles and pay untold amounts of money for the privelege of getting treatment, of getting cured, getting a miracle. It is Lourdes. It's in my backyard. I get treated here for the price of my HMO premiums. This middle-class woman with the aching wrist gets the best. I am one lucky patient.************************** Having a world-class medical institution is something every city wants. And believe me, the benefits are tremendous. But a price is exacted, as well. Hopkins bought up hundreds of rowhouses around the hospital, wanting to have land to expand. There has been much expansion and new construction, but far less than Hopkins bought the properties for. So the houses sit, boarded up, attracting vagrants, drug addicts and other miscreants. It is a terrible irony that this top-notch institution is in one of the worst areas of the city. This is Hopkins' own doing. And while I am thrilled to get treatment at Hopkins, it's not all pleasant being treated at a research-teaching hospital. Nothing is done alone. Your doctor is usually accompanied by at least one intern or resident. You'll be asked several times if you want to take part in any number of studies going on dealing with your health issue. If you're an inpatient, you will be visited, questioned and examined several times at day by armies of residents, interns and students, trailing after a senior attending who holds court in your hospital room. It is very easy to feel like a lab rat under these conditions.************************* For all the glitz, the spare-no-expense lobby art, the influx of well-heeled patients, this is still a medical facility. And because of its reputation, the sickest of the sick are here. My appointment is in neurology. I will have a series of nerve conduction tests on my right wrist. Carpal tunnel syndrome is suspected; truly no big deal. In the waiting area are people in various stages of neurological distress. One patient is tilted at a nearly 90-degree angle at the waist, in his wheelchair, while his family member chatters inanely. People unable to move their legs, arms, or mouths, sit morosely. Another, who I later overhear has traveled from four hours away and has recently been diagnosed with ALS, sits, still seemingly in shock over what awaits him. It's the children, however, who are heartbreaking. Imagine being a parent, having watched in terror as your child develops some neurological condition that your local pediatrician cannot deal with. Now you're miles away from home, your last best hope, wishing for a miracle for your kid. Talk about hell on Earth. A multi-pierced, gay-as-an-Easter-bonnet technician calls me and leads me through the labrynith of exam rooms. A woman in traditional Hindu garb passes, carrying her daughter, who looks just like a little doll. Over the next hour, I get electroconductors attached to my wrist, and pins stuck in me, and endure shocks of varying degrees. First the technician does the tests, then the resident does further tests. They talk easily to me. I suspect it must be a relief to have a non-seriously ill patient sometimes. I wonder how a doctor tells a parent that her child has muscular dystrophy. Or tells a 40-something baseball fan that, tragically, he has something in common with Lou Gehrig. I leave, diagnosis of arthritis tucked away in my pocket. I am grateful for so much. kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-03-18 19:02:46 peacemaker
girl you are a good patient! ..I came across a young black journalism student at mdd and gave her the web address of the group you have mentioned.. How is W2?
---End notes---
2002-03-18 21:10:55 Am I there yet?
The final four weeks are here. One month from today, I will wake up and not have to go to the Nightmare on Calvert Street for the first time in 17 years. Tuesday at 5 p.m. is the deadline for me to rescind my request for the buyout. I won't, and it is full speed ahead. One more screening -- a mammogram -- and I'll be done with all medical tests. Of course, then I'll have to learn how to live with arthritis, and start taking cholesterol-lowering medication. I spent the weekend delivering and installing my two surplus desktop computers. I have more space in my house, and $875 in my pocket. I figure one desktop and one laptop are plenty, even for geek girl. Peace, you asked how things would change between Wayne and me after I quit. While we won't talk every day like we do at work, I expect we'll still be close. I hope to keep up on company gossip for a while, and we'll still hang out. I asked Wayne more than 18 months ago, when he was threatening to quit, if we would still be friends even if we didn't have work in common. "We barely have work in common now," he said, meaning our conversations and friendship are based on much more than a common job. I think we have the potential for a more relaxed friendship. I won't have to be comforted, consoled and supported, like I was under prick boy's thumb. Everything won't be in crisis mode. But I'm working very hard at not thinking too far ahead, trying not to have every step of my life planned. This is an adventure, and the fun (and scary) part is not knowing what awaits me. I'm walking a tightrope without a net. It's more important to look ahead, not down.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-03-18 21:35:34 Asteri
Enjoy this last month. :)
---End notes---
2002-03-21 21:40:42 Update update
my head is spinning, there is so much going on. Just 22 more days. I'll need at least the next seven to sleep. I am in danger of working myself into exhaustion just before I quit working. how ironic.as i wrote in the hopkins entry, apparently i have arthritis, not carpal tunnel syndrome. I still need treatment and accomodation; it's just that I can no longer blame my beneficient employer for maiming me. I hope to meet with my primary care provider next month to scope out treatment options. Right now I just want some heavy-duty pain relievers. Advil is no longer having much effect.I had mammograms on Wednesday. It took 90 minutes because I, ahem, have so much real estate to cover. The radiologist talked with me after and said while she sees no sign of cancer, she wants me to resume the twice-yearly mammogram schedule instead of annually. She wants to continue to carefully watch the calcifications in my right breast. This happens every time a new radiologist looks at my films.Received an invitation to a reunion of my high school class and others on june 8. my high school no longer exists, but the elementary school does, as does the church. Father K, the priest who taught my chemistry class and who might have performed my marriage ceremony to the rat bastard (no, i don't remember much of that day; it was 30 years ago, fer crissakes!) will offer the mass prior to the reunion. I'll probably go, if only to proof that I can withstand the stares that will come went people realize that this 300 woman was once the co-captain of the cheerleaders and considered to be one of the prettiest girls in school.Gonna devote my efforts to decluttering the lovely abode. will sell some cables, software and my APS camera equipment on eBay. have bought a digital camera and a film camera. will clean off patio and move comfy chair there so I can lounge and enjoy the view in the spring/summer/fall. relaxation will replace workworkwork as my lifestyle keyword. kasey@byteme.com
2002-03-22 20:13:23 Strange thing, mystifying
I wrote in the previous entry about receiving a formal invitation to a reunion at my high school. It's been 32 years since I graduated from St. Anthony of Padua High School, a desperately poor Catholic institution in the 'hood in Washington, D.C. Its faculty was staffed with Benedictine nuns and priests.When I attended, the school had the distinction of being the only co-educational Catholic high school in the city. I attended high school with boys. I will remain forever grateful for that.St. Anthony was a basketball powerhouse when I attended. John Thompson, who later went on to create a college basketball dynasty at Georgetown University, coached there for free.Otherwise, little St. Anthony was an ordinary school, struggling amid rapid, often violent social changes in that marked the 1960s.In the early 1990s, St. Anthony became an all-girls school and its name was changed to All Saints High School. Five years later, the archdiocese of Washington closed the high school. The elementary school remains.My brother and I attended St. Anthony from first grade through high school. I have some happy, and many painful memories of those 12 years. I have blocked many memories out.So I didn't think much about St. Anthony for years. Yesterday, I get an invitation to a reunion.So it is a horrible coincidence that my mother phones me this morning so say my poor little high school is mentioned in a front-page story in Friday's Washington Post.One Monsignor Dillard, pastor of the oldest black Catholic parish in The District, was suspended from his post after two women, who are siblings and are now in their 30s, said Dillard engaged in sexual misconduct with two teen-age girls more than 20 years ago.From 1979 to 1984, the women allege, Dillard had inappropriate, physical relationships with the girls, starting when the oldest was 14.The incidents occurred when Dillard was a priest at St. Anthony.You can read the gory details at www.washingtonpost.com.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-03-26 20:28:21 Freedoms Wings
Wow! That really sucks.
---End notes---
2002-03-26 22:08:51 Another list
courtesy of sheseemssweet1. Name three good things about yourself...a) i'm smartb) i'm funnyc) i'm kind2. Name three bad things about yourself...a) i'm a know-it-allb) i'm sarcasticc) i give too freely to unworthy people3. Name three things you can do, or have done, that most people can't...a) went to college full time while working full timeb) communicate with computersc) gone without sex for 20 years4. Name three emotions you feel most often...a) sadnessb) disappointmentc) despair5. Name three people that have helped you to become a better person...a) my fatherb) my motherc) Rosa Parks6. Name three people (or groups, things, etc.) that you feel are worthy of praise and honor...a) Passengers on UAL Flight 93b) firefightersc) schoolteachers7. Name three works of art (books, songs, movies, etc.) that have changed you...a) "The Raven" by Edgar Allan Poeb) Book of Revelationsc) "Othello"8. Name three things you would buy if you won the lottery...(I'm assuming this means a jackpot of at least $1 million. I won $40 in the lottery last week, and I bought myself and a friend dinner at a nice restaurant)a) beachfront property on Oahub) build custom house on beachfront property in Oahuc) bi-monthly first-class air tickets to mainland9. Name three places you would like to go on vacation...a) Copenhaganb) Tahitic) New York City10. Name three jobs or careers you would like to have (assuming money, education, family, etc. were not an obstacle)...a) Forensic pathologist b) Computer crime federal agentc) Broadway singer/dancer11. Name three famous people, past or present, that interest you...a) Harriet Tubmanb) Sojourner Truthc) Eva Peron12. Name three things you would say to someone seeking your advice...a) Get as much formal education as you can.b) Learn the difference between a career and a job.c) Have fun.13. Name three headlines you will never see in the newspaper.a) U.S. executes wealthy white manb) Lasting peace achieved in Middle Eastc) Tax code simplifed to one page14. Name three causes to which you might devote your life...a) getting laidb) finding lovec) getting laid15. Name three things you believe with all your heart.a) No man will ever move me as I want to be loved.b) There is no supreme being.c) Existence and events are mostly random, i.e., there is no "meaning" of life.kasey@byteme.com
2002-04-01 21:59:26 Less than two weeks left
I will go to the office and work just seven more times. I have been swamped with stuff. Tuesday and Wednesday, I must spend all day at a career transition workshop. I've sent electronic invitations to more than 200 people to my going away party. RSVPs are dribbling in. I've been doing furious spring cleaning; i have four bags full of stuff to go to Goodwill.Wayne came over today to help move furniture. I turned my former second office into a reading room. I moved all computer stuff into my main office, which I can close the door to and cut off all view of work. I cleared off much of the patio; still have to have the maid service vacuum the floor and clean the windows. Put three birdfeeders just outside so the cats and I can see fine feathered friends.still have to buy treadmill and electric barbecue grill.Did my taxes; got estimates of how much I'll have to pay for 2002, given the buyout payoff. It won't be pretty; it'll take about 20 weeks pay. bummer. Got e-mail from Yale. They did not get my transcript from one college. I sent an e-mail copy, with hard copy to arrive the middle of next week. I hope that will do. I had pretty much written the Yale fellowship off. Now it seems I'm still in the running for the law school fellowship.been working on farewell speech for office. Am trying to strike right tone between Halle Berry's Oscar speech, and my saying "kiss my black ass!"i'll need my first two weeks off just to sleep. i can't believe how much i've done, and still has to be done.
---Notes---
2002-04-01 22:16:37 Tyche
Wow. You have really got it together! I'm so inspired by you! Yay on only seven more days!!
2002-04-02 05:54:40 peacemaker
I'm impressed! Keep up the good work and maintain that positive attitude. You are carefully laying out the blueprint for success. Way to go!!!
2002-04-02 07:28:14 debbs2
Hey there!!! You really have had a busy schedule huh? That 2 weeks of sleep sounds like it will be much earned. I hope you will make a copy of your speech one of your entries.
---End notes---
2002-04-05 01:23:42 Nonstop
Where does the time go, and why is is going so slowly? I can't wait for my last day at work; I can't wait to get on with my new life. It's a week from today, but it seems months away. Yet, I've been pressed for time. So much to do. I spent two full working days at the career transition workshop with 6 1/2 other former and soon-to-be-former co-workers (one guy attended the first day, but not the second). I learned to disregard requests in want ads, such as no calls. I must follow up with a phone call on every resume I send out. I was grateful for the resume rewriting and tips on cover letters. And I guess I needed a kick in the butt to get out and start beating the bushes for a new job. The seminar made it sound like I have to corner everyone I know, and everyone they know, in my quest for a job. This is called networking; sounds more like harassment. Still, I'm going give it a whirl, though not as intensely as the seminar recommends (it suggests at least two 30-minute "networking" meetings a week). I'm going to attend three national minority journalist conventions (two are in San Diego, a city I've longed to visit) and a regional meeting next month. Gotta get my name out there again. But I also need to remember that I need to rest for a while. As eager as I am to plunge into the job hunt, I must chill, get some sleep, get back to exercising, cooking and eating right, reading and visiting friends. I've been getting the house in order. My home office is the neatest and most organized it's ever been. I have a new, cozy reading area in the living area. I must tackle the patio next; gotta get snow melt, lawn and garden implements, and my burgeoning collection of briefcases and purses off the patio and in the basement or Goodwill where they belong. But I'm far from done. I have stuff to photograph, list, sell and ship on eBay; I have to hook up my DVD player; I have to hire someone to beat my yard into shape; I have a party to plan, and another to attend; I have to start hauling my stuff from the office and back home. The AME gave me permission to take my specially ordered chair. I PROMISE to get caught up on everybody's diary once my sabbatical begins. I apologize for neglecting you for so long, but this has been a hectic time. kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-04-05 08:54:04 debbs2
Dont you even THINK about neglecting anybody here...You have MORE than enough to do to take care of yourself, and it sounds like you are doing a good job of that. This is such an exciting time for you. I cant imagine thinking that I had a whole new career waiting for me out there. Your energy sounds awesome. Have fun.
2002-04-05 10:01:44 Tyche
I'm amazed you update as much as you do, with everything going on. Though I admit I'm selfish, I love hearing about everything!! I think when the right job comes along, everything will fall into place. You will meet the people you need to meet, and it will be at the right time. It sounds like you're doing all the right things.
2002-04-05 17:48:51 Freedoms Wings
Girlfriend take your time. You are a busy woman. We'll still be here.
2002-04-05 23:18:10 peacemaker
hey we are going through parrallel shifts in career. You had some say about yours though. I am in the same process.
---End notes---
2002-04-09 19:39:11 Going, going ...
Just three more working days. I'm hauling personal stuff home (peace, my stuff will take less than 5 boxes), saying goodbye to people outside of the newsroom, and procrastinating doing laundry and other housework.I cannot sleep. Daylight savings time, and increasing, earlier sunlight, always wreaks havoc with my biorhythms. So I write cover letters and send out resumes in the middle of the night.My first job interview is set for next week. It's a place I had not thought of before, but the job sounds exciting and perfect for me. Gotta take a two-hour test for general knowledge and writing style. I'm glad for the chance to get back into the interviewing mode; it's been so long since I've had to look for work. I hope I can maintain the proper upbeat, positive attitude; I hope wearing pantyhose won't make me cranky and forgetful.I know that some (Wayne and my shrink, specifically) don't want me to start job hunting so soon. But so much of getting a job is simply one's resume landing on the recruiter's desk at the exact time that an opening occurs, and that is what happened. Sent my resume via e-mail to the corporate HQ late Sunday, and first thing Tuesday, the local office is calling me, wanting me to come in ASAP. I put them off for a week (I'm way too distracted these last few days at Calvert Street to do well on a test, plus i need time to become re-acquainted with formal newspaper style quirks) but they do seem hot for me.Wednesday is Wayne's birthday. If I can drag my lazy, sleep-deprived ass out of bed in time, I'll stop at the bakery before work and get him a cake. After Saturday, he's on vacation for two and a half weeks; he will be out of town for most of that time.Wayne wants us to do a museum visit on Sunday. Sounds nice; there are a few exhibits around that I've been intending to see. With myself newly liberated, I must start doing all the things I didn't have time for while I was working.In other news, my brother and his live-in girlfriend of four years announced their engagement. They'll get married in the fall; no date or place have been decided yet.Stay tuned. The next time I post, it will be as a woman free of job shackles.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-04-09 20:34:08 Asteri
I'm glad you sound so happy about all this. :)
2002-04-09 22:00:38 peacemaker
It is a strange phenomenon I get unemployment as well as my severance so I can actually make money while looking for work. Bizarre! I missed a job by days. I found out about it on Sunday night but it had been just offered.
2002-04-10 12:36:24 Fyresetter
i wish you well in your "down time" you dont seem like the type to be lazy, i see much action in your writing. i hope to get more time for myself in the near future, but i will keep reading you, take care
---End notes---
2002-04-12 23:21:06 I'm getting all verklempt ...
I went to Calvert Street today for the last time as an employee. I signed papers, then went to my cubicle to purge incriminating documents from my computer. A huge basket of flowers from the executive editor and managing editor was on my desk.I accepted farewells from several co-workers as I ran purge after purge on my office PC. At 5 p.m., a gathering was held at the far end of the newsroom for another departing staffer, Gary, who is not taking the buyout but going to a publication in New England. The editors said kind things about Gary, and he was presented with gag gifts and cake. A formal farewell party will be given by Gary's closest friend on Saturday. I did some more purging, talked with some more people. Kirk bought me dinner from the Jamaican restaurant down the street. I accepted farewell calls, e-mails and in person.At 6 p.m., a gathering was held just outside of my work area for me. I learned later that an assistant managing editor decided that even though prick boy is my supervisor, he was "not the appropriate person" to organize and conduct a farewell ceremony. The task fell to my former supervisor on the copy desk, John M. and his staff, most of whom I had worked with before.John spoke for a minute, describing how I had worked in every department in the newsroom. He then turned it over to Wayne, who spoke very eloquently, kindly and humorously for five minutes about all I had done for the newsroom and its people. Wayne tossed to Gina, who spoke briefly, but also very kindly. She called me a "closet softie."I was deeply touched, and near tears. Wayne presented me with a gift from everyone, a lab coat with a list of all the computer programs I've worked on printed on the back. I spoke about how working on a newspaper was something I had wanted to do since I was eight years old, and how it was a job that was vital to the preservation of democracy and protection of the disenfranchised. I talked about how I had so much fun, and how delighted I was to have worked with so many smart, talented people.There was heartfelt applause, and then we had cake. I accepted still more farewells and kind words.Gina said this was only a "taste" of what was to come at the big farewell bash on April 20. My goodness. I'm already overwhelmed.I left at 7:30 p.m. to a newsroom tradition: One person rings a cowbell (yes, a cowbell) that is kept for the occasion, and people would beat their rulers on their desks as the departing person strode from the floor. We don't use rulers any more; pages are drawn on computers, not by hand. So as the cow bell rang, people stood up, clapped and whooped and I left the newsroom as an employee, for the last time.And now life really begins.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-04-13 17:24:01 debbs2
(((((((Kasey))))))) Congratulations !!!! I am covered with goosebumps...
2002-04-15 04:40:22 Solo
Wow you really got in the swing for me hehehe. A nekkid dance was more than I could have asked for *HG* It's so weird to read you are ending a chapter in your life as I begin one in mine but I hope your new start elsewhere, and mine, will bring good things for both of us :)
2002-04-15 08:21:24 peacemaker
Congratulations! You deserved it and I was so glad that you got to hear some accolades on your way out the door. Your future awaits! I liked the lab coat!
---End notes---
2002-04-15 17:42:52 It's my 300th entry
I slept most of Saturday. On Sunday, Wayne and I went to a museum, wandered around for a few hours, had dinner, and chilled at his place for an hour. Wayne is leaving Tuesday or Wednesday for his two-week road trip to upstate New York to visit the 'rents, Cleveland to see the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and Louisville for a convention.Today, I'm starting to feel different. The weekend felt like a regular one. But today, I'm home, after spending the afternoon running errands. Tonight, I'll cook dinner (teriayki burgers), study up on formal news style and watch TV. No stress.Got three phone calls and two e-mails from former co-workers wishing me well. gonna miss those people. i hope they remember who i am six months from now.I am starting to have news withdrawal. I signed up for a few online services that will give me some access. but nothing for the consumer comes close to the breadth of info available to working journalists.On Tuesday, more errands, maybe buy a barbecue grill. I'm aiming for getting up before noon every day; hope to move that up to 10 a.m. I refuse to waste my hard-earned sabbatical schlumping around in my jammies all day and night.I have a test/interview on Wednesday, then weekly therapy appointment. On Thursday, the car goes into the shop; will spend car-less time doing laundry and continuing house de-cluttering.My farewell bash is on Saturday. it is nearly impossible to pin down most people on whether they're going to attend. my best guess so far is about 50. will have those single-use cameras on each table, so i will post lots o' pix after.kasey@byteme.com
2002-04-17 16:33:06
Was eager to get to the first job interview, if just to say I'm past it.Actually, things went very well. The test was much easier than I had feared; I breezed through it. I talked with the person who will do the hiring and would be my boss, for about 20 minutes. We got along fabulously; we have mutual colleagues and both belong to NABJ. She said she hoped to make a decision by the end of the month.Wayne and my therapist don't want me to get a job so soon. We'll see what happens. Even if I get offered this job, it doesn't mean I have to take it.Speaking of Wayne, his pharmacy would not let him refill his Prozac scrip for another week, and he's going out of town for two weeks, starting today. So he called and I went to his place with a dozen of my own Prozac. Wayne only takes half the dose I take, so I can spare some. I helped him haul stuff to his car, and we sat around talking until 10 p.m.*******************************************************a really dumb question for those you who have had shoulder length or longer hair for some part of your lives.HOW DO YOU KEEP YOUR HEAD FROM BURSTING INTO FLAMES IN HOT WEATHER?!?!?!?!?for the first time in my life, my hair, my dreads, touch my shoulders. i wrote an afro for more than 30 years, so my hair went up and out, never down. it would sometimes touch my ears, but usually i'd have that hair cut away, cuz i have cute ears and love to wear earrings.my hair just skims my shoulders, but it is VERY thick. i am being driven nuts with it covering my ears and the back of my neck. it's hot, it's sticky. it's too thick and not quite long enough to pull back into a pony tail. do i just spend the summer with it piled atop my head?kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-04-17 16:40:42 Rindy
Good luck on the job interview. Can't imagine dreds. Mine is blond and stringy. Hey, check out my diary. I just had a really fun experience and get frustrated when it feels like no one is reading about it. Thanks
2002-04-18 11:07:30 Tyche
I always wear a pony tail now. For those times when my hair wasn't quite long enough, I would take a large barrette, kind of flip it up, and pin it in place. Sometimes it looks a bit goofy, but hey, it's cooler.
---End notes---
2002-04-19 18:19:29 Callback
The local chief of the organization I tested for on Wednesday called today. I'm to go back on Monday at 9 a.m. (gack!) and meet with two more honchos who will be in town for some workshops.I'm amazed that things are moving this fast. There are still many hurdles to clear, but it seems apparent that this organization wants me. The question is: Do I want them? More specifically, do I want this particular job at this particular location at this particular time? It would be SOOOOOOOOOOO easy to take this job. I could be back to work quickly (some of us are not suited to a life of leisure), and have my entire buyout just sitting as savings. I could be well on my way to a new life without skipping a beat. I wouldn't have to move; the commute would be the same time and distance; the hours would be later, but tolerable; I certainly would not be bored; and I'd be doing stuff that I enjoy.If they are pursuing me this eagerly, I'm hoping it means that they are willing to at least match the salary that I made on Calvert Street. Yes, they know how much I made there.But Galen, my therapist, thinks it is vital for me to a) take several months off; and b) hold out for a dream job. I have applied to one organization that has my dream job, and have not heard back from them. Another dream job group is not hiring because of the recession.Well, the weekend is here, not that it makes any difference to this unemployed person. My big farewell party is tomorrow. Stay tuned.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-04-20 08:42:01 debbs2
Hey Casey, could you take the job if offered and then take a better one if it comes along? or is it a signed contract kind of thing. Have a good weekend my friend.
2002-04-20 08:42:44 debbs2
OOPSs spelled Kasey wrong above. Sorry.
2002-04-20 18:00:35 peacemaker
I have the same feelings. I haven't aggressively persued work yet. I have the surgery to use as a rationale. You are in a win, win. Could you take the job and negeotiate the start date? Take a month off and the reason is you haven't had a vacation and probably wouldn't this year. or start now and negeotiate a month off later?
---End notes---
2002-04-21 00:46:34 A fond farewell
It was quite a festive event at the duckpin bowling alley Saturday night. About 50 showed up to bowl, eat and wish me farewell from the nightmare on Calvert Street.My mom was there. She said she was gladdened by the obvious affection my former co-workers had for me. And everyone was extremely generous with gifts. I got several coupons for free coffee at Starbucks; gift certificates from Barbeques Galore and CompUSA; a necklace; a garden gnome and other personal, funny knickknacks.The funniest, most touching was the mock front page (another newsroom tradition) featuring a four-column color photo of me in the pool at Curacao. The page had stories about me and my Top 10 sayings; remembrances of kindnesses by co-workers. It was matted and framed. I, again, was moved to tears. Pictures TK. Kirk brought his digital camera and got a lot of good shots; i just hope he remembers to e-mail them to me.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-04-21 04:34:32 debbs2
awwwww, I know they will really miss you around there. Hey are you going to post your pics somewhere?
2002-04-21 16:31:19 peacemaker
I'm glad you got to have a moment in the spotlight, and have your mom there with you too. You deserved it.
---End notes---
2002-04-23 01:59:14 So far, so good
Will take the few pix I took at party to be developed on Tuesday. Kirk still hasn't forwarded his digital photos to me.Went to Barbeques Galore and got biggest, most expensive electric grill in the store, thanks to the boundless generosity of my former co-workers. Now I'm in the midst of clearing off the patio (where did all this crap come from? have the cats been ordering stuff from Amazon.com?) so I can start cooking and eating out there while I still have some free time.Yes, the followup job interviews went very well. The honcho from the main office in New York said it would be great to have someone with my experience in this relatively young and inexperienced local office. And the local chief said "we are VERY interested." My talks with other staff really got me psyched. I'd be doing a variety of tasks -- editing, writing, arranging graphics and photos, working with member publications and broadcast outlets in this and a neighboring state, and coordinating between the New York and D.C. offices. I'd have a lot of autonomy and would be responsible for all news decisions on the 5 p.m. to 1 a.m. shift. I'd have weekends off, and four weeks of vacation after the first year. Sick leave, health and welfare benefits, paid holidays are roughly comparable to what I had before.The organization is in an office building about six blocks from the Calvert Street plant, in the heart of downtown. There is a heated parking garage, and a health club on the ground floor.The local chief admitted that they would not be able to pay me as much as I earned on Calvert Street. I had already checked the organization's union contract, so I know about how much I'd be paid. With the buyout, I can afford to take a 15 percent cut. I ain't crazy about it, but everything else sounds to so exciting that I think it would be worth getting paid less.So I'll wait for an offer. The local chief said she would call me no later than May 1. In the meantime, I'm still answering ads and sending out resumes. As good as things look, stuff could still go wrong, and I don't want to lose the momentum.Think positive thoughts for me!kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-04-24 02:14:18 peacemaker
congrats, a home run on your first at bat!
2002-04-28 20:32:01 debbs2
Am thinking positive thoughts for you.
---End notes---
2002-05-03 21:51:20 Woman of leisure
Whoa, it's been a while since I posted. Getting freedom has its disadvantages. It's been three full weeks since I left my job. I'm enjoying not having a routine, and I'm really enjoying not having to face prick boy ever again. I've been sleeping well for the first time in a decade. I'm rested and relaxed. While I was working, it was all I could do to drag myself out of bed at 1:30 p.m., just 90 minutes before I had to be at work. This was the case no matter how early I went to bed or how long I stayed in bed. Now, I'm awake and eager by 11 a.m. I shower, get dressed, and see what I feel like doing. I take short walks (and injured my left ankle and foot walking on uneven pavement), read, watch TV, go to movies, sit at a table at Starbucks, listen to music, admire the view from my patio (Wayne and I put up bird feeders and I've had many feathered visitors). I'm on the computer a lot, answering ads and sending out resumes. The company that I had two interviews with claims they intend to make me a job offer, but are waiting for approval from New York on how much salary to offer. It's been several days since the local chief told me this, and I'm starting to wonder if New York feels I'm overqualified and won't agree to hiring me. So even though I thought this job was in the bag, (and I still hope I get it) I'm continuing a full-scale job search. I've booked trips to minority journalist conventions in Milwaukee and San Diego, and I'll be taking a two-day course in computer-assisted reporting later this month. I haunt the online newspaper sites, looking for job leads. All in all, it's a nice break from the daily grind of the last 30 years. The job hunt is something of a grind, since I send resumes out for jobs that I think I'm perfect for, and never hear a peep from the companies. I keep reminding myself that the economy is still down, and that I knew it would take a long time to find another gig. I have been doing some computer training for former co-workers, and I've been charging for it. Not as much as rent-a-geek, which charges $100 for the first hour and $75 for each additional hour of a house call. I even sent my resume to them, and I haven't heard back. Got my finances in order: paid off the last credit card and closed the account; rolled over my 401(k) into an IRA with my broker; and have a budget. I'm covered financially through end of 2002. So I try to relax and enjoy my life of leisure.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-05-05 16:16:34 debbs2
Good to see you are taking full advantage of your time off. Have fun girl....you deserve a break today!!! :)
2002-05-06 01:00:41 SheSeemsSweet
Sleeping, in my opinion, is very important. Our sleep patterns determine our mood, and as a result how we will act during the day. I sound like a psychologist or something. I am very sleep deprived. My roommie is a night owl, and I'm not but I'm forced to stay up anyway since I can't sleep with lights or noise. I hope your ankle is getting better. Any type of doctor's appointments are expensive, so it is always important to stay in shape nevertheless. Sometimes being overqualified is a curse, sad to say. I am sending out resumes too. It seems like no one is hiring, I think it is a mix of the economy and there isn't really a need for journalists in my area. Well they all want someone with experience, which is the one thing I am trying to get.
---End notes---
2002-05-06 13:42:21 happynekkidigotthejob dance!
Yes, I was offered and have accepted a job with an international news service, which I shall refer to as QQ. Look at any daily newspaper in North and South America, you'll see stories and photos from this news service every day. It's been around for 150 years, has won 47 Pulitzer Prizes, and I am honored and humbled that I will be working for them.My title will be night desk supervisor of the Baltimore office. I will work days for a month to become familiar with the operation, then to a 5 p.m. to 1:30 a.m. shift, Mondays through Fridays. I will be responsible for all news decisions involving Maryland and Delaware on that shift, and I'll be editing, writing, dealing with staff and stringers, members and the New York and D.C. office.I'm taking about a 10 percent cut in take-home pay, mostly because I will have to pay $165 a month for parking, while I paid only $13 a week at Calvert Street. Not a problem, because I have all the buyout money sitting in savings, and I have no debts except for my mortgage.Health and welfare benefits, vacation, pension and 401(k) contributions are roughly the same as Calvert Street. And I'll be back in a union.I start on May 20, so that means I'll only have had five weeks off. Wayne wanted me to take more time, but I think this job is a great opportunity and I'm eager to get on with my new life.Woo woo!kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-05-06 13:53:45 SheSeemsSweet
Congrats on the new job! 5pm-1:30am. Everyone always says journalists work weird hours. They weren't kidding.
2002-05-06 14:02:20 princess of antar
congrats on the new job. I wish I could get a new one too!
2002-05-06 21:49:34 Tyche
Congratulations!!! How wonderful!!
2002-05-08 13:07:46 Fyresetter
i think this is just wonderful for you
2002-05-12 19:51:50 debbs2
YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! I KNEW you would get a great job!!!. I am so happy for you. Now go and enjoy your time off...it should be especially restful now that you don't have to worry about any more job hunting. ((((((((hugs)))))))))
2002-05-13 21:25:24 Freedoms Wings
*doingthenekkiddancewithyou* Go Casey!!!!
2002-05-20 12:54:04 peacemaker
you really made out well! I hope I can do half as well.
---End notes---
2002-05-27 22:03:55 So sorry it's been so long
Hoo boy, have I been a bad girl! It's been weeks since I posted here. I am so sorry I've neglected you guys. Things have been moving very fast, and it's all good.I worked my first week at QQ news service. I am struck by how young most of the staff is -- in their mid and late 20s. They are also new to the bureau and the area; most started here just this year. So I am the wise one. The young people here have already remarked their amazement at how much I know, and seem pleased that I'm here. I'm picking up the minutia, like the phones and the writing style. The computers are quite barebones compared to the high-powered ones on Calvert Street, but if all one is working on is text, one doesn't need so much.I did a lot of reporting my first week, and some rewriting and editing. I shall learn about broadcasting this week on the day shift, then train on nights for two weeks. I'll be flying solo as night supervisor by mid-June.So far so good. Everyone seems to like me and eager to learn from me. I'm picking up stuff as quickly as my middle-aged brain allows, and I think' I'm going to be good at this job.I've slept well for the last few weeks -- no nightmares, little insomnia. Next week, I hope to start swimming before work. I'll be 50 in two and a half weeks, and I feel that I've started a new life!kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-05-28 06:35:22 peacemaker
Swimming before work? Jane you sound like a new woman! You have made a great decision and have things going your way. You deserve it for sticking your neck out. Like the turtle, it is the only way we can move forward. Congratulations again. Swimming could innoculate against and counterbalance stress which will be inevitable. Great to be the sage!
2002-05-28 13:11:18 Fyresetter
happy to see this happy entry. and also...welcome to the club, the 50 club. it's a great age to be...
2002-05-31 17:26:24 Wanderlust
I haven't been around in about 2 months, so I have some catching up to do, but I love how upbeat this entry is! I know what you mean about how people think you know so much. Isn't the "wisdom that comes with age" wonderful? My staff all think I know everything, too LOL
2002-06-10 17:50:48 SheSeemsSweet
At least they have someone to looks up to at work...
2002-06-23 23:04:04 Bernadette099
I too, am behind on the diaries but so glad to see this. I just know they can learn from you and you sound like you are enjoying yourself. 50 eh, well, I only have two years on you so welcome to the half century club. Glad to see you are sleeping so well also. I am still working on that. Take care Jane and congrats!!!
2002-07-16 08:19:15 Freedoms Wings
Glad to know all is going well.
2002-07-20 06:25:09 peacemaker
Hey Jane I worry when I don't hear from you. The last time was when you were depressed for a long time. I will email you to see what is up. I hope all is well with you and you are just too busy in the new position.
2002-10-20 06:51:30 peacemaker
No new again. I will email you. hope all is well. We 50 types have to look after one another! 10/20/02.
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2004-11-18 21:20:00 She's back!
My goodness. For reasons I don’t understand, I recently started getting e-mails informing me of updates to this site of some of my favorite writers. I had forgotten I even had this diary. I’ll try to find time to read through it.It’s been nearly two and a half years! So much has happened. The biggest change has been my weight. I’ve lost more than 140 pounds in the past 13 months. I was going to have gastric bypass, but ended up losing through diet and exercise. I hope to lose about 30 more pounds and then have plastic surgery to remove a LOT of excess skin.I’ll update again soon, I hope.Kasey (Jane Skye So)
---Notes---
2004-11-18 20:35:48 Tyche
Wow!!!! I started getting e-mails on updates too. I didn't really pay attention to any of them, though, until I saw that you had updated. How incredibly cool!!! I always wondered how your new job was going, though if it's been two and a half years, it's not exactly new any more. :-) I am so thrilled to see that you updated!! I left MDD about two years ago; I hang out at Xanga with a bunch of other former MDDers. :-)
2004-11-20 11:00:22 Asteri
Hey, if there's someone I wasn't expecting to have news again from it's you. I am really glad you dediced to post. I was very curious about your whereabouts. I too lost 100 pounds and I feel much better. I am very glad things in your life seem to be fine. If you can, e-mail me to asteri@writeme.com. {{{Hugs}}}
2004-11-20 19:17:46 truthseeker
Welcome back!
---End notes---
2004-11-23 12:12:12 Weekend exercise and more
I used my free time on the weekend to make up for missing four days at the gym because I had to deal the aftermath of the burglary. I spent more than two hours doing the treadmill, elliptical trainer and stationary bike Saturday (when I slept too late to make the 9:15 a.m. aerobics class) and another 90 minutes on the same machines on Sunday.Saturday night, I attended a party downtown thrown by a coworker who will be going on “Jeopardy.” He’s flying to California today and will tape the episode(s) tomorrow. No word yet on when they will be broadcast.I had good food at the party, but not too much, and one alcoholic drink — a Dark and Stormy. It won’t replace Kahlua and Cream as my favorite drink, but I liked it.I had a great time talking with coworkers and meeting new people.Today, I had thought salesman for door stores would come, but none did. I guess I got the dates wrong and I hope someone will visit tomorrow. I’m very eager to get the back door replaced. It’s secure now, but someone could do the same thing — break the glass and remove the lock — again.I also sucked up three large trash bags full of leaves from my yard (I have a leaf blower/sucker) and went to the dentist, who told me I'm looking “skinny.”Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
2004-11-23 12:12:12 Update: What About Wayne?
Former regulars of my diary know that my most pathetic ruminations involved my intense feelings, angst, disappointment, lust and confusion over a man named Wayne.Wayne and I worked at the Nightmare on Calvert Street. Our friendship expanded into something wonderful and strange, and I fell in love with him. We were very close, but I wanted more from the relationship than he. Wayne, I believed, simply did not find me sexually attractive, although I know he cared for me deeply.So we lurched along, I wanting us to be lovers, and he wanting us to be friends.He won.I left the Nightmare on Calvert Street, and he stayed for two more years, then left in January. He was happily unemployed, partying and traveling, before taking a great job last month as senior editor of two artistic magazines with offices less than two miles from his apartment. Wayne now has his own office, works 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Mondays through Fridays with all holidays off. He wears a tie to work every day.Little has changed about our relationship. We remain close, although we don’t spend as much time together or even communicating via phone or e-mail as we used to. Wayne remains very much a part of my life. He went with me to see the bariatric surgeon, intending to take care of me during recovery, and he did accompany me during and take care of me afterward when I had wrist surgery in April. Wayne was the second person I called (the cops were first, natch) after I discovered my house was burglarized last weekend. He came right over, and this week, drove miles away to pick up ny new laptop at the shipper’s while I was at work.We still have keys to each other’s homes, and we still get together for entertainment and food once a month or so.But we never became lovers, as I so fervently hoped.Am I still in love with Wayne? Probably not. I’m hoping that other men will notice me now that I’ve lost so much weight, although that has not happened. I know that no matter how much weight I lose, or how much plastic surgery I have, Wayne won’t view me as sexually attractive, and that hurts me. And if he ever made a pass at me, I’d jump his bones in a New York minute.Pathetic, aren’t I?Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
---Notes---
2004-11-25 03:21:33 peacemaker
Hi Kasey, It is great to have you back. I was so glad to catch up on your life and have thought of you frequently. Unlike yourself I have gained some weight back. I was 199 after a hernia surgery and diet and exercise. I maintained for years. I focused on this past election and not on exercise and now am trying to get back. I admire your determination and efforts. Thanks for the W2 catch up, my love life is not much different than when you left. Fyre is still in MA. with her two girls, and Celeste aka Bernedette is still with Eddie in MN. I have maintained contact with them from 1999 on and off. I have a yahoo IM and so does Bernedette, so we stay in touch periodically. I should give you a call some night just for the hell of it. I remember tracking you down once but you hadn't come in yet. Congratulations on your persistence and success in life changes that added a number of years to your life time. Way to go! You have it seems continued to grow and deepen your self understanding and self acceptence. Not passive self acceptance,but that kind of St. Francis prayer acceptance that is realistically based. I have always been one of your admirers. Keep up the good work.Peacemaker aka Joe
2004-11-25 07:48:02 Tyche
Thanks for sharing the pictures - you are right - there is such a difference in how you look now!!! You do look years younger and you look great!!!It's been a lot of work for you (now *there's* an understatement!!), but it looks like it's paying off. You'll be around longer, and I like that. :-) You know, I never thought Dove bars were good enough to merit all the calories they are anyway.But you, it's not just looks. You "sound" better now than you did before. You sound happier than you did before. I think you're doing just great!
2004-11-26 09:45:26 Asteri
Thanks a lot for posting this information. You're definitely not pathetic. It is great that you're still a very good friend of Wayne. He doesn't seem like the kind of man just worth for a romance and not for a friendship. You're once again to be admired because you're able to handle this situation unlike people like, Me!{{{Hugs}}}
My motto: I have seen everything, and I have seen nothing. One of my favorite things about MDD is I get a peek into other's lives, lives that I would never have a chance to know about otherwise. This is extremely important to me as I age. I don't want to be one of those middle-aged people who thinks she has seen it all and therefore as formed the right opinions. And one of the most valuable lessons I have learned in reading other diaries is that things are very seldom clearcut, black or white, up or down, 100 percent right or 100 percent wrong. Life is complicated. I hope I have contributed to the expansion of knowledge of my readers, as well. I hope I have opened the minds of a few people who don't know any atheists, and shown them that one can live a highly moral, deeply righteous life with strong values that are not derived from belief in a supreme being. It was through Debbs' diary that I became acquainted with Daisymarie's diary. There is much vicious discourse in the comments section of Daisymarie's postings. I always welcome spirited debate based on facts and well-thought-out opinions. I relish to chance to see how others view the same words that I view. I value the insight of people who have dealt with similar situations. And I applaud the braveness of people who have survived horrid situations, and are willing to share their stories with others. I am discouraged by people who mistake name-calling for discourse, who sit in judgment, and who do not believe in forgiveness or the unwavering support of someone you love. And I will continue to say as I have said in these pages many times before: People who post anonymously are cowards. Daisymarie's situation evokes strong emotion. I understand that those who have been hurt by actions like the ones that have landed her in jail feel anger, betrayal, confusion, disgust, revulsion. I understand how furious they must be that this woman, who admits to committing sexual battery on a teen-ager, can have a supportive family, loving friends, and fans of her diary. I take that back. I can't understand what seems to me to be a blanket, everlasting condemnation of anyone who commits this heinous act. Witness, one cowardly posting: she can burn in hell with satan!!!! Yeah, that will raise the level of discourse and help people understand complex issues. Let me tackle the issues. 1) Daisymarie is a convicted child molester. No argument there. She has admitted as such, pleaded guilty and is serving her sentence. 2) Such people should be shunned forever by civilized society. That's a tough one. It dismisses the notion of forgiveness, which most organized religions preach. It also runs counter society's allowance for second chances, rehabilitation, in paying one's debt to society and being allowed a fresh start. I cannot blame anyone who chooses to have nothing to do with Daisymarie. One commenter, a woman confident enough in her beliefs to post her diary name rather than cower under the cloak of anonymous posting IDs, asks if anyone would leave their children alone with Daisymarie. A excellent question, and while I don't have children, I think anyone would have to be nuts to allow their children near Daisymarie or anyone else convicted of this crime. This is not to be interpreted that I believe Daisymarie will repeat her crime. I don't. Which is why I have such a problem with the "burn in hell" brigade. 3) Such people should be abandoned by their family and friends. I cannot go along with that. I firmly believe in hating the sin, loving the sinner. Being a friend means not turning your back on her even when she's done something horrible. You can't pick your family, but I hope that making a big, horrible mistake is not grounds for withdrawing the love of a parent, a spouse, a sibling, a child. This does not mean that some people don't deserve to be abandoned by family and friends. If someone you love repeatedly fucks up, despite being forgiven and helped, at some point the only safe thing to do is cut them off. 4) Daisymarie has no right to feel happy, safe, loved, productive. She has no right to have fans of her diary or her writings. She has no right to anything good, ever. Again, such an extreme position is born from emotion, not facts or reality. Anyone who doesn't like the fact that she has a diary here need not read it. Anyone who thinks her fans are misguided, again, don't read what her fans write. But some of her comments seem to want Daisymarie to be locked in a cage with no contact from anyone except her jailers, to have no comfort, no pleasure, no love, for the rest of her life. That won't happen, and the anger of these people will continue to hurt them a lot more than Daisymarie. 5) Daisymarie's supporters are blinded by her articulate writing and high education level. I cannot speak for anyone else. I will say that no matter how well someone writes or speaks, I always can see bullshit for what it is. That fact that I admire someone's ability to string words together does not mean that I ignore everything else, good or bad, about her. 6) If Daisymarie were a man, her supporters would not be as sympathetic toward her. I agree 100 percent. I consider myself a fan and supporter, and I'm not proud of the fact that I view Daisymarie differently than a man in a similar situation. That's how I feel, and I fully accept that it is illogical and sexist. I consider myself to be a hard-core feminist, and I have always believed that with equal rights comes equal responsibility and accountability. I can offer no logical explanation for why I feel this way about Daisymarie. 7) Daisymarie is not contrite and has not accepted full responsibility for her crime. That appears to be correct. She continues to behave like the typical child molester in that she blames the victim a lot more than she blames herslef. I firmly believe that adults have the responsibility to act like adults, not matter how sexually aware, how street-smart, how manipulative, no matter how needy, no matter how damaged the child might be. Sex with a child is ALWAYS wrong. It is NEVER the child's fault. Because the girl involved is a teen-ager, nearly an adult, the lines might be blurred. Too bad. Having sex with a child is wrong, Daisymarie knew it was wrong. She has conveniently left out many details that would help me and other readers understand the situation fully. She has not detailed the nature of the abuse, the situations under which it happened, what exactly happened (are we talking a kiss, fondling, oral sex?) how many times it happened (once for 10 seconds, several times for full-fledged sex, or what?)how long it went on. Daisymarie made this statement early in her diary: I have had one other relationship with a female. In a later posting, she said that "relationship" was with the teen-ager girl she admitted to molesting. This troubles me greatly. Bottom line: I think Daisymarie is a good person with a lot to offer who until recently led a life I would be proud of. But she did something horrible, and hurt many people. She and only she is to blame for that, and she needs to get her head around that concept before she can once again become the person she was, and then a better person. Daisymarie is being punished according to the laws of our society. I can ask no more. When she has paid her debt to society, I wish her success in rebuilding her life, her family and her career. Some people will always shun her, and that is their right. Everyone should keep their children, especially teen-agers, away from her. There are many jobs that she, quite rightly, will not be allowed to hold. I will not join with those who want Daisymarie destroyed, punished horribly for the rest of her life. Our laws don't allow for this; life in prison was not an option afforded to those charged with judging and punishing Daisymarie. I will continue to read her diary, and I will offer her support if she seeks it from me. I welcome, indeed, look forward to debate and disagreement. Understand this: I do not acknowledge anonymous comments or posts that call names or invoke eternal damnation. No exceptions will be made. I stand behind my words. I am not ashamed or embarrassed by anything I've written here. I have nothing to hide. I will NEVER hide conceal my identity when I have something to say. Kasey Jones (aka Jane Skye So)5418 Biddison AveBaltimore Md 21206kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-02-19 01:24:43 debbs2
WOW you seem to have really given this some thought. I wish I could be as clear on my thoughts. I too would have a problem DM was a male. I am one of the "nuts" that would leave my child (if I had one) in the unsupervised care of DM. I wish I could understand how I could feel this way. If you have any further thoughts on this I would appreciate your input. You can email them to me if you would prefer. I am so confused by this right now...and am seeking answers for myself. Thanks, my friend. debbsdebbs@hotmail.com
2002-02-19 10:11:28 Asteri
Wow :) You're such a brilliant woman.
2002-02-19 10:47:05 Emerald Dragon
As always I admire your courage and conviction to to say what you feel. I agree 100 percent about if you can say it - you should be proud - after all - it is your own though or opinion.
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2002-02-20 21:31:46 Latest updates
Got note from doctor saying my cholesterol is 270 and I need to start taking medication to lower it. My blood sugar is also very high -- prediabetic. That I can reduce with weight loss and exercise. She hasn't suggested medication yet. I've got to get it under control; both my paternal grandparents died of diabetes complications before they were 55. My mother's two brothers lost sight and limbs to the disease. Sure hope my next potential job doesn't require an extensive physical. Man, middle age sucks! Still have mammogram and Electromyogram (EMG) and Nerve Conduction tests before I see my doc again near end of March. Met with stockbroker on Tuesday. Just need a simple form to rollover my 401(k). Will invest buyout money in cash. 401(k) money will stay in same investments as now until early 2003, when, it is hoped, I will have another job and another 401(k). Met with lawyer today. She said employer cannot require me to waive right to seek worker's compensation. So wrist problem will be taken care of, one way or the other. She also pointed out that I will be allowed to put the max into my 401(k) from the buyout. That will ease my considerable tax burden for 2002. Plans are already under way for big going-away bash. Ann and I have booked a duckpin bowling alley for a Saturday night in April. We will have the place to ourselves (at least 100 of my closest friends) and can bring our own food and bowl as much as we like. Sounds like a raucous good time. I promise to take pictures and post them. kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-02-22 15:21:18 Freedoms Wings
I really enjoyed your last two entries. I hope all goes well with the bash. I'm rooting for you.
---End notes---
2002-02-26 17:11:06 Taking shape and getting real
things are rolling along merrily. got projections about my three pensions. (Don't ask why I have three with one company.) starting at age 55, and ending when i start collecting social security, I will get about $284 a month. woo woo! Monte Carlo, here I come.i'll petition to get the smallest pension, which would pay me $11.88 a month, in a lump sum so i can roll it over into an IRA. i will get to put the max this year into the 401(k). Plus, my beneficient employer will kick in another three percent.i am having NO luck in finding ways to cut my expenses in preparation for paycheck-less times ahead. By paying off my last credit card debt, I will shave $350 a month from my expenses, but I will also have spent nearly a third of the buyout money. I just got notice that my car insurance is going up 12 percent because of a fender-bender I had in late October.The house needs a lot of little things done in the spring -- fix gutter guards, repair short-out lights, trim back holly bush, evergreen and back yard bushes.And I hope to take two road trips, one south to North Carolina and then north to Toronto, and a second one to Milwaukee by way of Pittsburgh and Cleveland. Plus day trips to visit friends in neighboring states. And baseball games, and the theater.I will be selling two of my three desktop computers. I already have a buyer for one. I'll use the computer sale money to buy a treadmill. Gotta start exercising. One way to reduce me and my expenses is to do my own cooking instead of getting carryout, fast food and pizza. With spring coming, I can cook and feast on fresh veggies and fruit. And yes, I'll have to cut back on the daily trip to Starbucks and the daily duo Dove bars.Now, I'm just eager for it to start, which will be in 45 days. ***************************************Wayne and I went to Carraba's for dinner Sunday night. We both stuffed ourselves. We did some work around each other's homes (he's setting up a darkroom) and talked for several hours. Wayne is very glad I'm getting away from prick boy and taking time to heal body and soul.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-02-26 21:20:19 Asteri
I'm sure you'll do great. :)
2002-02-27 13:21:13 Emerald Dragon
so glad to hear that things are movinf sow ell for you. I also agree that it will allow your mind and soul to soar free when you fly the coop on Calvert Street.
---End notes---
2002-03-03 21:40:10 Weekend fun
yippie, we have rain! i even heard the sump pump, so we must have gotten a good amount. hope this eases the drought a little. motored to the Lyric Opera House to see "tommy" on Saturday. the Lyric has the tiniest, most uncomfortable seats in the area. Luckily, the house was not full, so i moved so i had an empty seat on each side. during intermission, i tormented the orchestra in the pit. the show itself was only kinda good. i hated the second act -- it bore no resemblance to pete townsend's conception. one had no idea why the crowd turned against tommy, and the end was all syrupy and fake sentiment about how family is what's really important. good performances by young tommy (it was the understudy; child labor laws prohibit kids working matinee and evening performance on same day); cousin kevin; and the swing performers who did rev. simpson, pinball lads and the hawker. mediocre performances by tommy and mrs. walker. and i was ready to hurl rotten fruit at the acid queen. i guess once you've seen tina turner's interpretation, nothing else comes close. next up: "the best little whorehouse in texas," with ann-margret and gary sandy. after the show, i dashed to eddie's, got buffalo chicken wraps and ham-potato salad for the party a going-away party for two co-workers, who have been at the Nightmare on Calvert Street for 28 and 24 years respectively, and who took buyouts. ann arrives, curlers still in her hair, and we proceed to get lost in the pouring rain on the east side. ann likes to make illegal u-turns. we finally arrive at the steelworkers hall, ann removes curlers and we carry food and stuff in. the hall is full of former and current sun people, many of whom i've not seen in a year and some for several years. one left the sun 10 years ago, freelanced, went to law school, worked in law for a few years, got burned out, spent a year writting a book, and married and has two children. whew! advice i got from the dearly departed: shower every day get a job at one of the universities; benefits are great, including free tuition take a break; don't dive into job hunting right away don't change careers in your early 40s (this from a 45-year-old who thought i was younger than she) cooking sucks as a career choice (this from my twin, karen warmkessel, who took a buyout several years ago to try her hand at being a chef; after working in several restaurants, she recently got a job doing public relations at a local hospital) there is life after the sun i ate at the party -- jambalaya, brownies, sugared nuts. (not the most balanced meal, but semi-nutritious and very filling). ann and i careened home about 10 p.m. next up: another co-worker's farewell bash. i'm driving this time.*********************************** on friday, i had lunch with bill a sports writer; molly, departed last year as sports editor; and elaine, the sports department secretary. bill bought us lunch at capt. harvey's, where he used to hang out so frequently that the sports editors still have that number listed to call him when they have questions on bill's stories. bill had a stroke while covering a basketball game 18 months ago. he was 46, a year younger than me. this was the first time i had seen him since then, although i had talked with bill on the phone many times since he was stricken. bill has not regained full use of his right side. he can walk and move very slowly. he has lost about 50 pounds, and he was not a heavy man before. his appetite is good but he has trouble using utensils. his mind is sharp, although he has the problem common to stroke patients in which he sometimes speaks too loudly. he also gets emotional very easily, and brushed away tears twice during our two-hour lunch. he writes on a company laptop from home. bill can't drive yet, so he does interviews by phone and gets info via e-mail. he said he long ago ran out of sick leave, but the executive editor has said the sun will do whatever needs to be done to accomodate him and his recovery. that gives me the biggest pause in considering my departure. even with all the sick leave i took in the last year, i never came near running out of accumulated time. but i knew even if i did, i wouldn't have to worry about getting paid. i doubt many other employers will be that generous. anyway, molly is getting teacher certification to teach english as a second language. she described how desperate public education is for K-12: anyone with a bachelor's degree can walk into a public school and be doing substitute teaching the next day. never mind that you've never taken a single education course or never taught in your life. and many school systems will pay you to teach and pay your tuition to get certification. of course, the pay is abysmal. a full-time teacher starting out will make about $10,000 a year. that is a crime. despite this, molly seemed relaxed and happy. she, too, said there is life after the sun.**************************************** my sleep problems continue. what little sleep i get is punctuated with nightmares. thursday night i dreamed i was in a building that was under attack by maruading forces. there was machine gun fire; hand grenades and other assorted violence. i spent the whole dream running around the building trying to escape the attackers. i guess one doesn't have to be sigmund freud to know that this means i feel i'm trapped in a desperate situation and trying, but not finding, a way out. i also got a killer leg cramp; it was so bad it injured my calf muscle and i feel it with every step. i also have been getting severe headaches during the night. that's part of the sleep apnea. on my ever-growing to-do list when i'm on sabbatical, i'm going to go back to the sleep clinic and see if i can't get the CPAP machine working for me. dr. marburg knows one of the experts there, so maybe i'll get better care than i have in the past. on the plus side, my right hand, arm and wrist haven't been hurting nearly as much. Just 39 days to go!kasey@byteme.com
2002-03-04 21:16:05 Elder care
(Much of the information below comes from http://www.spinalstenosis.org.)My mother, who is 76, suffers from lumbar spinal stenosis. It is a common illness of old age; symptoms most commonly appear after age 60. Mom was diagnosed about a year ago; since then she has deteriorated quite rapidly, which is not typical of the condition.Her symptoms include: Symptoms include:Dull to severe aching pain in the lower back or buttocks that develops with walking. Pain radiates into one or both thighs and legs. Symptoms relieved by bending forward, sitting or lying down. My mother has been through all the conservative treatment options: Orthosis and Controlled Physical Activity; Physical Therapy; Non-steroidal anti-inflammatory medications, such as ibuprofen, aspirin, acetaminophen and naproxen; and Epidural Injections. all provided only temporary relief.Surgery is clearly indicated for someone with her degree of disability: disabling back and leg pain and significant limitations in walking.The most common surgical procedure for stenosis is a decompressive laminectomy. Often referred to as 'unroofing' the spine, this procedure involves the removal of the lamina as well as the attached ligaments that cause compression of the spinal sac and nerve roots, and the removal of hypertrophic facet capsules and osteophytes, uncinate spurs, and protruding disc material such that the nerves are free from compression.Success rate of the surgery is about 65 percent to 75 percent. This is difficult to measure, because the procedure is performed to improve quality of life, and that is quite subjective.A 1985 study showed a six-week mortality rate of this surgery at .8 percent. Morbidity includes the usual surgical risks, plus the danger of doing further damage to the spine. Risks increase for the elderly.Mom only hears the downside. She has greatly exaggerated the mortality rate in her mind, and at this point is refusing to consider surgery. This also is quite common. There is an average of four years time between when a patient is diagnosed with spinal stenosis and when they undergo surgery. Mom has deteriorated much more quickly than average, however.When my mother gets like this, there is no reasoning with her. Frankly, I can't blame her hesitation. I just wish she would get the facts and HEAR them. She has tried all conservative treatment. She is NOT going to get better without surgery. The longer she waits, the older and more frail she will be, and therefore, more likely to have a poor outcome.She cannot walk more than 30 feet without sitting down to relieve severe back and leg pain. She refuses to let me buy her a wheelchair or one of those scooters, but she needs to borrow one whenever she goes to the theater or airport. She's talking about moving from her house into an apartment at her retirement village, because it's too far to walk to the dining hall.I guess bottom line, this is not my problem. I worry because I live so close to her, and talk with her nearly every day. But she will make her own decisions.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-03-11 09:01:56 Freedoms Wings
It's pretty natural to worry even if it's not your problem.
---End notes---
2002-03-11 20:16:56 Sorry I haven't written lately
who would have thought that quitting a job would be so time-consuming?it's less than five weeks to the end of my sentence at the Nightmare on Calvert Street. so far, the time has been a whirlwind of doctor's appointments, meetings with lawyers and accountants, going-away parties (i'm the last one to leave in this round of buyouts, but far from the only one), "career transition" workshops, phone tag with human resources and the administrator of my pension plans and 401(k), selling no-longer-needed computers, buying the latest and greatest gear, getting leads on jobs, contacting friends, buying clothes i can wear on job interviews, and arranging for the big going-away-duckpin-Iron-Chef bash.and i still have a household to run, a house that needs spring cleaning and several minor, but annoying, repairs, and a disabled mom to look after.And, oh yeah, I still have a job to do. the users do not care that i'm leaving; most of them are too self-absorbed to notice. wait till they find out the company will not refill my position and there will be NO ONE to provide tech support at night. teehee.On Saturday night, I drove three counties away to a going-away party for a colleague. On Sunday morning, I drove to a neighboring state to have lunch with two long-departed colleagues. One works at the evil paper down the road, and says that there are part-time openings. I shall look into that later -- much later. Right now, I'm run so ragged I can't get a decent night's sleep.this week, it's torture time as i allow doctors at a world-renowned medical institution to stick electrodes into my aching right wrist to test for nerve damage. last week, it was eyeball-fondling time with the eye doctor, and next week, it's a mammogram. i've spent more time at doctors' offices this month than in all of 2001.once again, i've fallen behind on my favs here at MDD. i apologize; once i'm unemployed, i'll get caught up.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-03-11 21:49:16 peacemaker
congratulations on your decision! Hope the transition is an easy one for you! How will it be with W-2 ?
2002-03-11 22:44:17 solo
Geeze I need a rest just reading about all that! Hope it all works out for you.
2002-03-12 14:56:19 Asteri
May be I'm wrong, but I kind of felt you 'happy' while writing this last entry. I think it's good you're busy doing all that stuff. I wish lots of health for your mother and strenght to you. Take a lot of care dear...
2002-03-12 21:39:47 Freedoms Wings
Hi!
---End notes---
2002-03-17 17:32:35 Best care anywhere
I'm driving around the huge, inner-city campus that is The Johns Hopkins Medical Institutions. More than the world-renowned Johns Hopkins Hospital, more than the near-Ivy League Johns Hopkins University, Hopkins' fingers inflitrate many parts of this decaying city. Hopkins is a blessing and a curse to this metropolis. Once I've found a space in one of dozens of nearly full parking garages, I make my way toward the oupatient clinic. I've been here many times before. I've had major and minor surgery here, and numerous consults. I was also here shuttling my ailing dad to appointments after he had a stroke, and when he was diagnosed with kidney cancer. I always imagined Dad would die here, after being admitted through the ER in cardiac distress. He didn't; he died at his home in his sleep. Despite my familiarity with Hopkins, I don't take it for granted. Every time I walk in, I am taken by a sense of awe, by a sense of entering hallowed halls, almost a holy, reverent place. So much says: This is the big time. This is the show. The best and the brightest, the latest and greatest, the cutting edge and beyond of medical care and research, go on right here. No expense is spared, nothing but the best, the highest quality, the most talented, hardworking, and yes, egotistical physicians parade through these halls. The best care anywhere. Yes, people die here. No matter what, people will always die. Yes, sometimes people leave here in worse shape than they came in. That will always happen, and often, that is the price of research. And, sometimes, Hopkins stumbles. Malpractice is committed. This medical mecca is far from perfect. The outpatient lobby has the look of a hotel lobby. A sign points to guest services. Not patient services; guest services. Arrangements can be made at guest services for hotel rooms, rental cars. I see two limosines parked just outside. I see people wearing expensive clothes, expensive jewelry. Another sign in a dozen languages advises how to get someone who speaks your language. I hear Spanish, French, Italian, Arabic, and Indian dialects spoken. I see people in their native garb. I hear a dozen variations of English accents. I hear the crisp, exact speech patterns of the upper class, the wealthy, the educated. The seriously ill come from all over the world to get treated at Hopkins. People travel thousands of miles and pay untold amounts of money for the privelege of getting treatment, of getting cured, getting a miracle. It is Lourdes. It's in my backyard. I get treated here for the price of my HMO premiums. This middle-class woman with the aching wrist gets the best. I am one lucky patient.************************** Having a world-class medical institution is something every city wants. And believe me, the benefits are tremendous. But a price is exacted, as well. Hopkins bought up hundreds of rowhouses around the hospital, wanting to have land to expand. There has been much expansion and new construction, but far less than Hopkins bought the properties for. So the houses sit, boarded up, attracting vagrants, drug addicts and other miscreants. It is a terrible irony that this top-notch institution is in one of the worst areas of the city. This is Hopkins' own doing. And while I am thrilled to get treatment at Hopkins, it's not all pleasant being treated at a research-teaching hospital. Nothing is done alone. Your doctor is usually accompanied by at least one intern or resident. You'll be asked several times if you want to take part in any number of studies going on dealing with your health issue. If you're an inpatient, you will be visited, questioned and examined several times at day by armies of residents, interns and students, trailing after a senior attending who holds court in your hospital room. It is very easy to feel like a lab rat under these conditions.************************* For all the glitz, the spare-no-expense lobby art, the influx of well-heeled patients, this is still a medical facility. And because of its reputation, the sickest of the sick are here. My appointment is in neurology. I will have a series of nerve conduction tests on my right wrist. Carpal tunnel syndrome is suspected; truly no big deal. In the waiting area are people in various stages of neurological distress. One patient is tilted at a nearly 90-degree angle at the waist, in his wheelchair, while his family member chatters inanely. People unable to move their legs, arms, or mouths, sit morosely. Another, who I later overhear has traveled from four hours away and has recently been diagnosed with ALS, sits, still seemingly in shock over what awaits him. It's the children, however, who are heartbreaking. Imagine being a parent, having watched in terror as your child develops some neurological condition that your local pediatrician cannot deal with. Now you're miles away from home, your last best hope, wishing for a miracle for your kid. Talk about hell on Earth. A multi-pierced, gay-as-an-Easter-bonnet technician calls me and leads me through the labrynith of exam rooms. A woman in traditional Hindu garb passes, carrying her daughter, who looks just like a little doll. Over the next hour, I get electroconductors attached to my wrist, and pins stuck in me, and endure shocks of varying degrees. First the technician does the tests, then the resident does further tests. They talk easily to me. I suspect it must be a relief to have a non-seriously ill patient sometimes. I wonder how a doctor tells a parent that her child has muscular dystrophy. Or tells a 40-something baseball fan that, tragically, he has something in common with Lou Gehrig. I leave, diagnosis of arthritis tucked away in my pocket. I am grateful for so much. kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-03-18 19:02:46 peacemaker
girl you are a good patient! ..I came across a young black journalism student at mdd and gave her the web address of the group you have mentioned.. How is W2?
---End notes---
2002-03-18 21:10:55 Am I there yet?
The final four weeks are here. One month from today, I will wake up and not have to go to the Nightmare on Calvert Street for the first time in 17 years. Tuesday at 5 p.m. is the deadline for me to rescind my request for the buyout. I won't, and it is full speed ahead. One more screening -- a mammogram -- and I'll be done with all medical tests. Of course, then I'll have to learn how to live with arthritis, and start taking cholesterol-lowering medication. I spent the weekend delivering and installing my two surplus desktop computers. I have more space in my house, and $875 in my pocket. I figure one desktop and one laptop are plenty, even for geek girl. Peace, you asked how things would change between Wayne and me after I quit. While we won't talk every day like we do at work, I expect we'll still be close. I hope to keep up on company gossip for a while, and we'll still hang out. I asked Wayne more than 18 months ago, when he was threatening to quit, if we would still be friends even if we didn't have work in common. "We barely have work in common now," he said, meaning our conversations and friendship are based on much more than a common job. I think we have the potential for a more relaxed friendship. I won't have to be comforted, consoled and supported, like I was under prick boy's thumb. Everything won't be in crisis mode. But I'm working very hard at not thinking too far ahead, trying not to have every step of my life planned. This is an adventure, and the fun (and scary) part is not knowing what awaits me. I'm walking a tightrope without a net. It's more important to look ahead, not down.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-03-18 21:35:34 Asteri
Enjoy this last month. :)
---End notes---
2002-03-21 21:40:42 Update update
my head is spinning, there is so much going on. Just 22 more days. I'll need at least the next seven to sleep. I am in danger of working myself into exhaustion just before I quit working. how ironic.as i wrote in the hopkins entry, apparently i have arthritis, not carpal tunnel syndrome. I still need treatment and accomodation; it's just that I can no longer blame my beneficient employer for maiming me. I hope to meet with my primary care provider next month to scope out treatment options. Right now I just want some heavy-duty pain relievers. Advil is no longer having much effect.I had mammograms on Wednesday. It took 90 minutes because I, ahem, have so much real estate to cover. The radiologist talked with me after and said while she sees no sign of cancer, she wants me to resume the twice-yearly mammogram schedule instead of annually. She wants to continue to carefully watch the calcifications in my right breast. This happens every time a new radiologist looks at my films.Received an invitation to a reunion of my high school class and others on june 8. my high school no longer exists, but the elementary school does, as does the church. Father K, the priest who taught my chemistry class and who might have performed my marriage ceremony to the rat bastard (no, i don't remember much of that day; it was 30 years ago, fer crissakes!) will offer the mass prior to the reunion. I'll probably go, if only to proof that I can withstand the stares that will come went people realize that this 300 woman was once the co-captain of the cheerleaders and considered to be one of the prettiest girls in school.Gonna devote my efforts to decluttering the lovely abode. will sell some cables, software and my APS camera equipment on eBay. have bought a digital camera and a film camera. will clean off patio and move comfy chair there so I can lounge and enjoy the view in the spring/summer/fall. relaxation will replace workworkwork as my lifestyle keyword. kasey@byteme.com
2002-03-22 20:13:23 Strange thing, mystifying
I wrote in the previous entry about receiving a formal invitation to a reunion at my high school. It's been 32 years since I graduated from St. Anthony of Padua High School, a desperately poor Catholic institution in the 'hood in Washington, D.C. Its faculty was staffed with Benedictine nuns and priests.When I attended, the school had the distinction of being the only co-educational Catholic high school in the city. I attended high school with boys. I will remain forever grateful for that.St. Anthony was a basketball powerhouse when I attended. John Thompson, who later went on to create a college basketball dynasty at Georgetown University, coached there for free.Otherwise, little St. Anthony was an ordinary school, struggling amid rapid, often violent social changes in that marked the 1960s.In the early 1990s, St. Anthony became an all-girls school and its name was changed to All Saints High School. Five years later, the archdiocese of Washington closed the high school. The elementary school remains.My brother and I attended St. Anthony from first grade through high school. I have some happy, and many painful memories of those 12 years. I have blocked many memories out.So I didn't think much about St. Anthony for years. Yesterday, I get an invitation to a reunion.So it is a horrible coincidence that my mother phones me this morning so say my poor little high school is mentioned in a front-page story in Friday's Washington Post.One Monsignor Dillard, pastor of the oldest black Catholic parish in The District, was suspended from his post after two women, who are siblings and are now in their 30s, said Dillard engaged in sexual misconduct with two teen-age girls more than 20 years ago.From 1979 to 1984, the women allege, Dillard had inappropriate, physical relationships with the girls, starting when the oldest was 14.The incidents occurred when Dillard was a priest at St. Anthony.You can read the gory details at www.washingtonpost.com.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-03-26 20:28:21 Freedoms Wings
Wow! That really sucks.
---End notes---
2002-03-26 22:08:51 Another list
courtesy of sheseemssweet1. Name three good things about yourself...a) i'm smartb) i'm funnyc) i'm kind2. Name three bad things about yourself...a) i'm a know-it-allb) i'm sarcasticc) i give too freely to unworthy people3. Name three things you can do, or have done, that most people can't...a) went to college full time while working full timeb) communicate with computersc) gone without sex for 20 years4. Name three emotions you feel most often...a) sadnessb) disappointmentc) despair5. Name three people that have helped you to become a better person...a) my fatherb) my motherc) Rosa Parks6. Name three people (or groups, things, etc.) that you feel are worthy of praise and honor...a) Passengers on UAL Flight 93b) firefightersc) schoolteachers7. Name three works of art (books, songs, movies, etc.) that have changed you...a) "The Raven" by Edgar Allan Poeb) Book of Revelationsc) "Othello"8. Name three things you would buy if you won the lottery...(I'm assuming this means a jackpot of at least $1 million. I won $40 in the lottery last week, and I bought myself and a friend dinner at a nice restaurant)a) beachfront property on Oahub) build custom house on beachfront property in Oahuc) bi-monthly first-class air tickets to mainland9. Name three places you would like to go on vacation...a) Copenhaganb) Tahitic) New York City10. Name three jobs or careers you would like to have (assuming money, education, family, etc. were not an obstacle)...a) Forensic pathologist b) Computer crime federal agentc) Broadway singer/dancer11. Name three famous people, past or present, that interest you...a) Harriet Tubmanb) Sojourner Truthc) Eva Peron12. Name three things you would say to someone seeking your advice...a) Get as much formal education as you can.b) Learn the difference between a career and a job.c) Have fun.13. Name three headlines you will never see in the newspaper.a) U.S. executes wealthy white manb) Lasting peace achieved in Middle Eastc) Tax code simplifed to one page14. Name three causes to which you might devote your life...a) getting laidb) finding lovec) getting laid15. Name three things you believe with all your heart.a) No man will ever move me as I want to be loved.b) There is no supreme being.c) Existence and events are mostly random, i.e., there is no "meaning" of life.kasey@byteme.com
2002-04-01 21:59:26 Less than two weeks left
I will go to the office and work just seven more times. I have been swamped with stuff. Tuesday and Wednesday, I must spend all day at a career transition workshop. I've sent electronic invitations to more than 200 people to my going away party. RSVPs are dribbling in. I've been doing furious spring cleaning; i have four bags full of stuff to go to Goodwill.Wayne came over today to help move furniture. I turned my former second office into a reading room. I moved all computer stuff into my main office, which I can close the door to and cut off all view of work. I cleared off much of the patio; still have to have the maid service vacuum the floor and clean the windows. Put three birdfeeders just outside so the cats and I can see fine feathered friends.still have to buy treadmill and electric barbecue grill.Did my taxes; got estimates of how much I'll have to pay for 2002, given the buyout payoff. It won't be pretty; it'll take about 20 weeks pay. bummer. Got e-mail from Yale. They did not get my transcript from one college. I sent an e-mail copy, with hard copy to arrive the middle of next week. I hope that will do. I had pretty much written the Yale fellowship off. Now it seems I'm still in the running for the law school fellowship.been working on farewell speech for office. Am trying to strike right tone between Halle Berry's Oscar speech, and my saying "kiss my black ass!"i'll need my first two weeks off just to sleep. i can't believe how much i've done, and still has to be done.
---Notes---
2002-04-01 22:16:37 Tyche
Wow. You have really got it together! I'm so inspired by you! Yay on only seven more days!!
2002-04-02 05:54:40 peacemaker
I'm impressed! Keep up the good work and maintain that positive attitude. You are carefully laying out the blueprint for success. Way to go!!!
2002-04-02 07:28:14 debbs2
Hey there!!! You really have had a busy schedule huh? That 2 weeks of sleep sounds like it will be much earned. I hope you will make a copy of your speech one of your entries.
---End notes---
2002-04-05 01:23:42 Nonstop
Where does the time go, and why is is going so slowly? I can't wait for my last day at work; I can't wait to get on with my new life. It's a week from today, but it seems months away. Yet, I've been pressed for time. So much to do. I spent two full working days at the career transition workshop with 6 1/2 other former and soon-to-be-former co-workers (one guy attended the first day, but not the second). I learned to disregard requests in want ads, such as no calls. I must follow up with a phone call on every resume I send out. I was grateful for the resume rewriting and tips on cover letters. And I guess I needed a kick in the butt to get out and start beating the bushes for a new job. The seminar made it sound like I have to corner everyone I know, and everyone they know, in my quest for a job. This is called networking; sounds more like harassment. Still, I'm going give it a whirl, though not as intensely as the seminar recommends (it suggests at least two 30-minute "networking" meetings a week). I'm going to attend three national minority journalist conventions (two are in San Diego, a city I've longed to visit) and a regional meeting next month. Gotta get my name out there again. But I also need to remember that I need to rest for a while. As eager as I am to plunge into the job hunt, I must chill, get some sleep, get back to exercising, cooking and eating right, reading and visiting friends. I've been getting the house in order. My home office is the neatest and most organized it's ever been. I have a new, cozy reading area in the living area. I must tackle the patio next; gotta get snow melt, lawn and garden implements, and my burgeoning collection of briefcases and purses off the patio and in the basement or Goodwill where they belong. But I'm far from done. I have stuff to photograph, list, sell and ship on eBay; I have to hook up my DVD player; I have to hire someone to beat my yard into shape; I have a party to plan, and another to attend; I have to start hauling my stuff from the office and back home. The AME gave me permission to take my specially ordered chair. I PROMISE to get caught up on everybody's diary once my sabbatical begins. I apologize for neglecting you for so long, but this has been a hectic time. kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-04-05 08:54:04 debbs2
Dont you even THINK about neglecting anybody here...You have MORE than enough to do to take care of yourself, and it sounds like you are doing a good job of that. This is such an exciting time for you. I cant imagine thinking that I had a whole new career waiting for me out there. Your energy sounds awesome. Have fun.
2002-04-05 10:01:44 Tyche
I'm amazed you update as much as you do, with everything going on. Though I admit I'm selfish, I love hearing about everything!! I think when the right job comes along, everything will fall into place. You will meet the people you need to meet, and it will be at the right time. It sounds like you're doing all the right things.
2002-04-05 17:48:51 Freedoms Wings
Girlfriend take your time. You are a busy woman. We'll still be here.
2002-04-05 23:18:10 peacemaker
hey we are going through parrallel shifts in career. You had some say about yours though. I am in the same process.
---End notes---
2002-04-09 19:39:11 Going, going ...
Just three more working days. I'm hauling personal stuff home (peace, my stuff will take less than 5 boxes), saying goodbye to people outside of the newsroom, and procrastinating doing laundry and other housework.I cannot sleep. Daylight savings time, and increasing, earlier sunlight, always wreaks havoc with my biorhythms. So I write cover letters and send out resumes in the middle of the night.My first job interview is set for next week. It's a place I had not thought of before, but the job sounds exciting and perfect for me. Gotta take a two-hour test for general knowledge and writing style. I'm glad for the chance to get back into the interviewing mode; it's been so long since I've had to look for work. I hope I can maintain the proper upbeat, positive attitude; I hope wearing pantyhose won't make me cranky and forgetful.I know that some (Wayne and my shrink, specifically) don't want me to start job hunting so soon. But so much of getting a job is simply one's resume landing on the recruiter's desk at the exact time that an opening occurs, and that is what happened. Sent my resume via e-mail to the corporate HQ late Sunday, and first thing Tuesday, the local office is calling me, wanting me to come in ASAP. I put them off for a week (I'm way too distracted these last few days at Calvert Street to do well on a test, plus i need time to become re-acquainted with formal newspaper style quirks) but they do seem hot for me.Wednesday is Wayne's birthday. If I can drag my lazy, sleep-deprived ass out of bed in time, I'll stop at the bakery before work and get him a cake. After Saturday, he's on vacation for two and a half weeks; he will be out of town for most of that time.Wayne wants us to do a museum visit on Sunday. Sounds nice; there are a few exhibits around that I've been intending to see. With myself newly liberated, I must start doing all the things I didn't have time for while I was working.In other news, my brother and his live-in girlfriend of four years announced their engagement. They'll get married in the fall; no date or place have been decided yet.Stay tuned. The next time I post, it will be as a woman free of job shackles.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-04-09 20:34:08 Asteri
I'm glad you sound so happy about all this. :)
2002-04-09 22:00:38 peacemaker
It is a strange phenomenon I get unemployment as well as my severance so I can actually make money while looking for work. Bizarre! I missed a job by days. I found out about it on Sunday night but it had been just offered.
2002-04-10 12:36:24 Fyresetter
i wish you well in your "down time" you dont seem like the type to be lazy, i see much action in your writing. i hope to get more time for myself in the near future, but i will keep reading you, take care
---End notes---
2002-04-12 23:21:06 I'm getting all verklempt ...
I went to Calvert Street today for the last time as an employee. I signed papers, then went to my cubicle to purge incriminating documents from my computer. A huge basket of flowers from the executive editor and managing editor was on my desk.I accepted farewells from several co-workers as I ran purge after purge on my office PC. At 5 p.m., a gathering was held at the far end of the newsroom for another departing staffer, Gary, who is not taking the buyout but going to a publication in New England. The editors said kind things about Gary, and he was presented with gag gifts and cake. A formal farewell party will be given by Gary's closest friend on Saturday. I did some more purging, talked with some more people. Kirk bought me dinner from the Jamaican restaurant down the street. I accepted farewell calls, e-mails and in person.At 6 p.m., a gathering was held just outside of my work area for me. I learned later that an assistant managing editor decided that even though prick boy is my supervisor, he was "not the appropriate person" to organize and conduct a farewell ceremony. The task fell to my former supervisor on the copy desk, John M. and his staff, most of whom I had worked with before.John spoke for a minute, describing how I had worked in every department in the newsroom. He then turned it over to Wayne, who spoke very eloquently, kindly and humorously for five minutes about all I had done for the newsroom and its people. Wayne tossed to Gina, who spoke briefly, but also very kindly. She called me a "closet softie."I was deeply touched, and near tears. Wayne presented me with a gift from everyone, a lab coat with a list of all the computer programs I've worked on printed on the back. I spoke about how working on a newspaper was something I had wanted to do since I was eight years old, and how it was a job that was vital to the preservation of democracy and protection of the disenfranchised. I talked about how I had so much fun, and how delighted I was to have worked with so many smart, talented people.There was heartfelt applause, and then we had cake. I accepted still more farewells and kind words.Gina said this was only a "taste" of what was to come at the big farewell bash on April 20. My goodness. I'm already overwhelmed.I left at 7:30 p.m. to a newsroom tradition: One person rings a cowbell (yes, a cowbell) that is kept for the occasion, and people would beat their rulers on their desks as the departing person strode from the floor. We don't use rulers any more; pages are drawn on computers, not by hand. So as the cow bell rang, people stood up, clapped and whooped and I left the newsroom as an employee, for the last time.And now life really begins.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-04-13 17:24:01 debbs2
(((((((Kasey))))))) Congratulations !!!! I am covered with goosebumps...
2002-04-15 04:40:22 Solo
Wow you really got in the swing for me hehehe. A nekkid dance was more than I could have asked for *HG* It's so weird to read you are ending a chapter in your life as I begin one in mine but I hope your new start elsewhere, and mine, will bring good things for both of us :)
2002-04-15 08:21:24 peacemaker
Congratulations! You deserved it and I was so glad that you got to hear some accolades on your way out the door. Your future awaits! I liked the lab coat!
---End notes---
2002-04-15 17:42:52 It's my 300th entry
I slept most of Saturday. On Sunday, Wayne and I went to a museum, wandered around for a few hours, had dinner, and chilled at his place for an hour. Wayne is leaving Tuesday or Wednesday for his two-week road trip to upstate New York to visit the 'rents, Cleveland to see the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and Louisville for a convention.Today, I'm starting to feel different. The weekend felt like a regular one. But today, I'm home, after spending the afternoon running errands. Tonight, I'll cook dinner (teriayki burgers), study up on formal news style and watch TV. No stress.Got three phone calls and two e-mails from former co-workers wishing me well. gonna miss those people. i hope they remember who i am six months from now.I am starting to have news withdrawal. I signed up for a few online services that will give me some access. but nothing for the consumer comes close to the breadth of info available to working journalists.On Tuesday, more errands, maybe buy a barbecue grill. I'm aiming for getting up before noon every day; hope to move that up to 10 a.m. I refuse to waste my hard-earned sabbatical schlumping around in my jammies all day and night.I have a test/interview on Wednesday, then weekly therapy appointment. On Thursday, the car goes into the shop; will spend car-less time doing laundry and continuing house de-cluttering.My farewell bash is on Saturday. it is nearly impossible to pin down most people on whether they're going to attend. my best guess so far is about 50. will have those single-use cameras on each table, so i will post lots o' pix after.kasey@byteme.com
2002-04-17 16:33:06
Was eager to get to the first job interview, if just to say I'm past it.Actually, things went very well. The test was much easier than I had feared; I breezed through it. I talked with the person who will do the hiring and would be my boss, for about 20 minutes. We got along fabulously; we have mutual colleagues and both belong to NABJ. She said she hoped to make a decision by the end of the month.Wayne and my therapist don't want me to get a job so soon. We'll see what happens. Even if I get offered this job, it doesn't mean I have to take it.Speaking of Wayne, his pharmacy would not let him refill his Prozac scrip for another week, and he's going out of town for two weeks, starting today. So he called and I went to his place with a dozen of my own Prozac. Wayne only takes half the dose I take, so I can spare some. I helped him haul stuff to his car, and we sat around talking until 10 p.m.*******************************************************a really dumb question for those you who have had shoulder length or longer hair for some part of your lives.HOW DO YOU KEEP YOUR HEAD FROM BURSTING INTO FLAMES IN HOT WEATHER?!?!?!?!?for the first time in my life, my hair, my dreads, touch my shoulders. i wrote an afro for more than 30 years, so my hair went up and out, never down. it would sometimes touch my ears, but usually i'd have that hair cut away, cuz i have cute ears and love to wear earrings.my hair just skims my shoulders, but it is VERY thick. i am being driven nuts with it covering my ears and the back of my neck. it's hot, it's sticky. it's too thick and not quite long enough to pull back into a pony tail. do i just spend the summer with it piled atop my head?kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-04-17 16:40:42 Rindy
Good luck on the job interview. Can't imagine dreds. Mine is blond and stringy. Hey, check out my diary. I just had a really fun experience and get frustrated when it feels like no one is reading about it. Thanks
2002-04-18 11:07:30 Tyche
I always wear a pony tail now. For those times when my hair wasn't quite long enough, I would take a large barrette, kind of flip it up, and pin it in place. Sometimes it looks a bit goofy, but hey, it's cooler.
---End notes---
2002-04-19 18:19:29 Callback
The local chief of the organization I tested for on Wednesday called today. I'm to go back on Monday at 9 a.m. (gack!) and meet with two more honchos who will be in town for some workshops.I'm amazed that things are moving this fast. There are still many hurdles to clear, but it seems apparent that this organization wants me. The question is: Do I want them? More specifically, do I want this particular job at this particular location at this particular time? It would be SOOOOOOOOOOO easy to take this job. I could be back to work quickly (some of us are not suited to a life of leisure), and have my entire buyout just sitting as savings. I could be well on my way to a new life without skipping a beat. I wouldn't have to move; the commute would be the same time and distance; the hours would be later, but tolerable; I certainly would not be bored; and I'd be doing stuff that I enjoy.If they are pursuing me this eagerly, I'm hoping it means that they are willing to at least match the salary that I made on Calvert Street. Yes, they know how much I made there.But Galen, my therapist, thinks it is vital for me to a) take several months off; and b) hold out for a dream job. I have applied to one organization that has my dream job, and have not heard back from them. Another dream job group is not hiring because of the recession.Well, the weekend is here, not that it makes any difference to this unemployed person. My big farewell party is tomorrow. Stay tuned.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-04-20 08:42:01 debbs2
Hey Casey, could you take the job if offered and then take a better one if it comes along? or is it a signed contract kind of thing. Have a good weekend my friend.
2002-04-20 08:42:44 debbs2
OOPSs spelled Kasey wrong above. Sorry.
2002-04-20 18:00:35 peacemaker
I have the same feelings. I haven't aggressively persued work yet. I have the surgery to use as a rationale. You are in a win, win. Could you take the job and negeotiate the start date? Take a month off and the reason is you haven't had a vacation and probably wouldn't this year. or start now and negeotiate a month off later?
---End notes---
2002-04-21 00:46:34 A fond farewell
It was quite a festive event at the duckpin bowling alley Saturday night. About 50 showed up to bowl, eat and wish me farewell from the nightmare on Calvert Street.My mom was there. She said she was gladdened by the obvious affection my former co-workers had for me. And everyone was extremely generous with gifts. I got several coupons for free coffee at Starbucks; gift certificates from Barbeques Galore and CompUSA; a necklace; a garden gnome and other personal, funny knickknacks.The funniest, most touching was the mock front page (another newsroom tradition) featuring a four-column color photo of me in the pool at Curacao. The page had stories about me and my Top 10 sayings; remembrances of kindnesses by co-workers. It was matted and framed. I, again, was moved to tears. Pictures TK. Kirk brought his digital camera and got a lot of good shots; i just hope he remembers to e-mail them to me.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-04-21 04:34:32 debbs2
awwwww, I know they will really miss you around there. Hey are you going to post your pics somewhere?
2002-04-21 16:31:19 peacemaker
I'm glad you got to have a moment in the spotlight, and have your mom there with you too. You deserved it.
---End notes---
2002-04-23 01:59:14 So far, so good
Will take the few pix I took at party to be developed on Tuesday. Kirk still hasn't forwarded his digital photos to me.Went to Barbeques Galore and got biggest, most expensive electric grill in the store, thanks to the boundless generosity of my former co-workers. Now I'm in the midst of clearing off the patio (where did all this crap come from? have the cats been ordering stuff from Amazon.com?) so I can start cooking and eating out there while I still have some free time.Yes, the followup job interviews went very well. The honcho from the main office in New York said it would be great to have someone with my experience in this relatively young and inexperienced local office. And the local chief said "we are VERY interested." My talks with other staff really got me psyched. I'd be doing a variety of tasks -- editing, writing, arranging graphics and photos, working with member publications and broadcast outlets in this and a neighboring state, and coordinating between the New York and D.C. offices. I'd have a lot of autonomy and would be responsible for all news decisions on the 5 p.m. to 1 a.m. shift. I'd have weekends off, and four weeks of vacation after the first year. Sick leave, health and welfare benefits, paid holidays are roughly comparable to what I had before.The organization is in an office building about six blocks from the Calvert Street plant, in the heart of downtown. There is a heated parking garage, and a health club on the ground floor.The local chief admitted that they would not be able to pay me as much as I earned on Calvert Street. I had already checked the organization's union contract, so I know about how much I'd be paid. With the buyout, I can afford to take a 15 percent cut. I ain't crazy about it, but everything else sounds to so exciting that I think it would be worth getting paid less.So I'll wait for an offer. The local chief said she would call me no later than May 1. In the meantime, I'm still answering ads and sending out resumes. As good as things look, stuff could still go wrong, and I don't want to lose the momentum.Think positive thoughts for me!kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-04-24 02:14:18 peacemaker
congrats, a home run on your first at bat!
2002-04-28 20:32:01 debbs2
Am thinking positive thoughts for you.
---End notes---
2002-05-03 21:51:20 Woman of leisure
Whoa, it's been a while since I posted. Getting freedom has its disadvantages. It's been three full weeks since I left my job. I'm enjoying not having a routine, and I'm really enjoying not having to face prick boy ever again. I've been sleeping well for the first time in a decade. I'm rested and relaxed. While I was working, it was all I could do to drag myself out of bed at 1:30 p.m., just 90 minutes before I had to be at work. This was the case no matter how early I went to bed or how long I stayed in bed. Now, I'm awake and eager by 11 a.m. I shower, get dressed, and see what I feel like doing. I take short walks (and injured my left ankle and foot walking on uneven pavement), read, watch TV, go to movies, sit at a table at Starbucks, listen to music, admire the view from my patio (Wayne and I put up bird feeders and I've had many feathered visitors). I'm on the computer a lot, answering ads and sending out resumes. The company that I had two interviews with claims they intend to make me a job offer, but are waiting for approval from New York on how much salary to offer. It's been several days since the local chief told me this, and I'm starting to wonder if New York feels I'm overqualified and won't agree to hiring me. So even though I thought this job was in the bag, (and I still hope I get it) I'm continuing a full-scale job search. I've booked trips to minority journalist conventions in Milwaukee and San Diego, and I'll be taking a two-day course in computer-assisted reporting later this month. I haunt the online newspaper sites, looking for job leads. All in all, it's a nice break from the daily grind of the last 30 years. The job hunt is something of a grind, since I send resumes out for jobs that I think I'm perfect for, and never hear a peep from the companies. I keep reminding myself that the economy is still down, and that I knew it would take a long time to find another gig. I have been doing some computer training for former co-workers, and I've been charging for it. Not as much as rent-a-geek, which charges $100 for the first hour and $75 for each additional hour of a house call. I even sent my resume to them, and I haven't heard back. Got my finances in order: paid off the last credit card and closed the account; rolled over my 401(k) into an IRA with my broker; and have a budget. I'm covered financially through end of 2002. So I try to relax and enjoy my life of leisure.kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-05-05 16:16:34 debbs2
Good to see you are taking full advantage of your time off. Have fun girl....you deserve a break today!!! :)
2002-05-06 01:00:41 SheSeemsSweet
Sleeping, in my opinion, is very important. Our sleep patterns determine our mood, and as a result how we will act during the day. I sound like a psychologist or something. I am very sleep deprived. My roommie is a night owl, and I'm not but I'm forced to stay up anyway since I can't sleep with lights or noise. I hope your ankle is getting better. Any type of doctor's appointments are expensive, so it is always important to stay in shape nevertheless. Sometimes being overqualified is a curse, sad to say. I am sending out resumes too. It seems like no one is hiring, I think it is a mix of the economy and there isn't really a need for journalists in my area. Well they all want someone with experience, which is the one thing I am trying to get.
---End notes---
2002-05-06 13:42:21 happynekkidigotthejob dance!
Yes, I was offered and have accepted a job with an international news service, which I shall refer to as QQ. Look at any daily newspaper in North and South America, you'll see stories and photos from this news service every day. It's been around for 150 years, has won 47 Pulitzer Prizes, and I am honored and humbled that I will be working for them.My title will be night desk supervisor of the Baltimore office. I will work days for a month to become familiar with the operation, then to a 5 p.m. to 1:30 a.m. shift, Mondays through Fridays. I will be responsible for all news decisions involving Maryland and Delaware on that shift, and I'll be editing, writing, dealing with staff and stringers, members and the New York and D.C. office.I'm taking about a 10 percent cut in take-home pay, mostly because I will have to pay $165 a month for parking, while I paid only $13 a week at Calvert Street. Not a problem, because I have all the buyout money sitting in savings, and I have no debts except for my mortgage.Health and welfare benefits, vacation, pension and 401(k) contributions are roughly the same as Calvert Street. And I'll be back in a union.I start on May 20, so that means I'll only have had five weeks off. Wayne wanted me to take more time, but I think this job is a great opportunity and I'm eager to get on with my new life.Woo woo!kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-05-06 13:53:45 SheSeemsSweet
Congrats on the new job! 5pm-1:30am. Everyone always says journalists work weird hours. They weren't kidding.
2002-05-06 14:02:20 princess of antar
congrats on the new job. I wish I could get a new one too!
2002-05-06 21:49:34 Tyche
Congratulations!!! How wonderful!!
2002-05-08 13:07:46 Fyresetter
i think this is just wonderful for you
2002-05-12 19:51:50 debbs2
YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! I KNEW you would get a great job!!!. I am so happy for you. Now go and enjoy your time off...it should be especially restful now that you don't have to worry about any more job hunting. ((((((((hugs)))))))))
2002-05-13 21:25:24 Freedoms Wings
*doingthenekkiddancewithyou* Go Casey!!!!
2002-05-20 12:54:04 peacemaker
you really made out well! I hope I can do half as well.
---End notes---
2002-05-27 22:03:55 So sorry it's been so long
Hoo boy, have I been a bad girl! It's been weeks since I posted here. I am so sorry I've neglected you guys. Things have been moving very fast, and it's all good.I worked my first week at QQ news service. I am struck by how young most of the staff is -- in their mid and late 20s. They are also new to the bureau and the area; most started here just this year. So I am the wise one. The young people here have already remarked their amazement at how much I know, and seem pleased that I'm here. I'm picking up the minutia, like the phones and the writing style. The computers are quite barebones compared to the high-powered ones on Calvert Street, but if all one is working on is text, one doesn't need so much.I did a lot of reporting my first week, and some rewriting and editing. I shall learn about broadcasting this week on the day shift, then train on nights for two weeks. I'll be flying solo as night supervisor by mid-June.So far so good. Everyone seems to like me and eager to learn from me. I'm picking up stuff as quickly as my middle-aged brain allows, and I think' I'm going to be good at this job.I've slept well for the last few weeks -- no nightmares, little insomnia. Next week, I hope to start swimming before work. I'll be 50 in two and a half weeks, and I feel that I've started a new life!kasey@byteme.com
---Notes---
2002-05-28 06:35:22 peacemaker
Swimming before work? Jane you sound like a new woman! You have made a great decision and have things going your way. You deserve it for sticking your neck out. Like the turtle, it is the only way we can move forward. Congratulations again. Swimming could innoculate against and counterbalance stress which will be inevitable. Great to be the sage!
2002-05-28 13:11:18 Fyresetter
happy to see this happy entry. and also...welcome to the club, the 50 club. it's a great age to be...
2002-05-31 17:26:24 Wanderlust
I haven't been around in about 2 months, so I have some catching up to do, but I love how upbeat this entry is! I know what you mean about how people think you know so much. Isn't the "wisdom that comes with age" wonderful? My staff all think I know everything, too LOL
2002-06-10 17:50:48 SheSeemsSweet
At least they have someone to looks up to at work...
2002-06-23 23:04:04 Bernadette099
I too, am behind on the diaries but so glad to see this. I just know they can learn from you and you sound like you are enjoying yourself. 50 eh, well, I only have two years on you so welcome to the half century club. Glad to see you are sleeping so well also. I am still working on that. Take care Jane and congrats!!!
2002-07-16 08:19:15 Freedoms Wings
Glad to know all is going well.
2002-07-20 06:25:09 peacemaker
Hey Jane I worry when I don't hear from you. The last time was when you were depressed for a long time. I will email you to see what is up. I hope all is well with you and you are just too busy in the new position.
2002-10-20 06:51:30 peacemaker
No new again. I will email you. hope all is well. We 50 types have to look after one another! 10/20/02.
---End notes---
2004-11-18 21:20:00 She's back!
My goodness. For reasons I don’t understand, I recently started getting e-mails informing me of updates to this site of some of my favorite writers. I had forgotten I even had this diary. I’ll try to find time to read through it.It’s been nearly two and a half years! So much has happened. The biggest change has been my weight. I’ve lost more than 140 pounds in the past 13 months. I was going to have gastric bypass, but ended up losing through diet and exercise. I hope to lose about 30 more pounds and then have plastic surgery to remove a LOT of excess skin.I’ll update again soon, I hope.Kasey (Jane Skye So)
---Notes---
2004-11-18 20:35:48 Tyche
Wow!!!! I started getting e-mails on updates too. I didn't really pay attention to any of them, though, until I saw that you had updated. How incredibly cool!!! I always wondered how your new job was going, though if it's been two and a half years, it's not exactly new any more. :-) I am so thrilled to see that you updated!! I left MDD about two years ago; I hang out at Xanga with a bunch of other former MDDers. :-)
2004-11-20 11:00:22 Asteri
Hey, if there's someone I wasn't expecting to have news again from it's you. I am really glad you dediced to post. I was very curious about your whereabouts. I too lost 100 pounds and I feel much better. I am very glad things in your life seem to be fine. If you can, e-mail me to asteri@writeme.com. {{{Hugs}}}
2004-11-20 19:17:46 truthseeker
Welcome back!
---End notes---
2004-11-23 12:12:12 Weekend exercise and more
I used my free time on the weekend to make up for missing four days at the gym because I had to deal the aftermath of the burglary. I spent more than two hours doing the treadmill, elliptical trainer and stationary bike Saturday (when I slept too late to make the 9:15 a.m. aerobics class) and another 90 minutes on the same machines on Sunday.Saturday night, I attended a party downtown thrown by a coworker who will be going on “Jeopardy.” He’s flying to California today and will tape the episode(s) tomorrow. No word yet on when they will be broadcast.I had good food at the party, but not too much, and one alcoholic drink — a Dark and Stormy. It won’t replace Kahlua and Cream as my favorite drink, but I liked it.I had a great time talking with coworkers and meeting new people.Today, I had thought salesman for door stores would come, but none did. I guess I got the dates wrong and I hope someone will visit tomorrow. I’m very eager to get the back door replaced. It’s secure now, but someone could do the same thing — break the glass and remove the lock — again.I also sucked up three large trash bags full of leaves from my yard (I have a leaf blower/sucker) and went to the dentist, who told me I'm looking “skinny.”Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
2004-11-23 12:12:12 Update: What About Wayne?
Former regulars of my diary know that my most pathetic ruminations involved my intense feelings, angst, disappointment, lust and confusion over a man named Wayne.Wayne and I worked at the Nightmare on Calvert Street. Our friendship expanded into something wonderful and strange, and I fell in love with him. We were very close, but I wanted more from the relationship than he. Wayne, I believed, simply did not find me sexually attractive, although I know he cared for me deeply.So we lurched along, I wanting us to be lovers, and he wanting us to be friends.He won.I left the Nightmare on Calvert Street, and he stayed for two more years, then left in January. He was happily unemployed, partying and traveling, before taking a great job last month as senior editor of two artistic magazines with offices less than two miles from his apartment. Wayne now has his own office, works 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Mondays through Fridays with all holidays off. He wears a tie to work every day.Little has changed about our relationship. We remain close, although we don’t spend as much time together or even communicating via phone or e-mail as we used to. Wayne remains very much a part of my life. He went with me to see the bariatric surgeon, intending to take care of me during recovery, and he did accompany me during and take care of me afterward when I had wrist surgery in April. Wayne was the second person I called (the cops were first, natch) after I discovered my house was burglarized last weekend. He came right over, and this week, drove miles away to pick up ny new laptop at the shipper’s while I was at work.We still have keys to each other’s homes, and we still get together for entertainment and food once a month or so.But we never became lovers, as I so fervently hoped.Am I still in love with Wayne? Probably not. I’m hoping that other men will notice me now that I’ve lost so much weight, although that has not happened. I know that no matter how much weight I lose, or how much plastic surgery I have, Wayne won’t view me as sexually attractive, and that hurts me. And if he ever made a pass at me, I’d jump his bones in a New York minute.Pathetic, aren’t I?Kaseyaka Jane Skye So
---Notes---
2004-11-25 03:21:33 peacemaker
Hi Kasey, It is great to have you back. I was so glad to catch up on your life and have thought of you frequently. Unlike yourself I have gained some weight back. I was 199 after a hernia surgery and diet and exercise. I maintained for years. I focused on this past election and not on exercise and now am trying to get back. I admire your determination and efforts. Thanks for the W2 catch up, my love life is not much different than when you left. Fyre is still in MA. with her two girls, and Celeste aka Bernedette is still with Eddie in MN. I have maintained contact with them from 1999 on and off. I have a yahoo IM and so does Bernedette, so we stay in touch periodically. I should give you a call some night just for the hell of it. I remember tracking you down once but you hadn't come in yet. Congratulations on your persistence and success in life changes that added a number of years to your life time. Way to go! You have it seems continued to grow and deepen your self understanding and self acceptence. Not passive self acceptance,but that kind of St. Francis prayer acceptance that is realistically based. I have always been one of your admirers. Keep up the good work.Peacemaker aka Joe
2004-11-25 07:48:02 Tyche
Thanks for sharing the pictures - you are right - there is such a difference in how you look now!!! You do look years younger and you look great!!!It's been a lot of work for you (now *there's* an understatement!!), but it looks like it's paying off. You'll be around longer, and I like that. :-) You know, I never thought Dove bars were good enough to merit all the calories they are anyway.But you, it's not just looks. You "sound" better now than you did before. You sound happier than you did before. I think you're doing just great!
2004-11-26 09:45:26 Asteri
Thanks a lot for posting this information. You're definitely not pathetic. It is great that you're still a very good friend of Wayne. He doesn't seem like the kind of man just worth for a romance and not for a friendship. You're once again to be admired because you're able to handle this situation unlike people like, Me!{{{Hugs}}}
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