Diary Backup

Diary Backup Part 6

2007-03-30T19:53:00.000-07:00

Bad news already

This is just my second posting since taking a two-and-a-half-year hiatus, and I have unpleasantness to report.My house was burglarzed on Saturday. I’m OK (I wasn’t home) and the cats (who were home) are OK. I keep telling myself that’s what’s important; everything else can be repaired or replaced.I have two smashed doors, and lost my desktop and laptop computers; all my DVDs (about 40), two PDAs, one portable DVD player, one cell phone and accessories, and all my gold jewelry, much of which were gifts from my later father.So I’m gather receipts and other documentation for insurance. I hope to have a computer at home soon; in the meantime, I’ll updating from home.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

---Notes---

2004-11-22 22:24:09 truthseeker
I really sorry to read of this Invasion of your home is awful because its a personal invasion and it takes time to recover from that despite no damage to you or the cats.

2004-11-23 08:20:02 Tyche
Oh no!!! At least you're okay, and so are the cats. Everything else is just stuff. Granted, I'm sure you're most torn about the jewelry, but at least you're safe.

---End notes---

2004-11-23 12:12:12

This is just my second posting since taking a two-and-a-half-year hiatus, and I have unpleasantness to report.My house was burglarzed on Saturday. I’m OK (I wasn’t home) and the cats (who were home) are OK. I keep telling myself that’s what’s important; everything else can be repaired or replaced.I have two smashed doors, and lost my desktop and laptop computers; all my DVDs (about 40), two PDAs, one portable DVD player, one cell phone and accessories, and all my gold jewelry, much of which were gifts from my later father.So I’m gather receipts and other documentation for insurance. I hope to have a computer at home soon; in the meantime, I’ll updating from home.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

2004-11-23 12:12:12 Update: Health and Weight Loss

I had a pre-op consultation with a gastric bypass surgeon on Oct. 13, 2003. Gastric bypass is a very popular surgery, and like many doctors who perform this procedure, he had a long waiting list. I spent the months before the consult researching the procedure and having the pre-op tests done.On the day I consulted with the bariatric surgeon, I weighed 365 pounds. (I’m 5 feet, 8 inches tall.) I was exhausted all the time, got short of breath and back spasms after walking less than two city blocks and had to rest after climbing a few steps. I wore size 32 clothes and assumed I would die from heart disease in a few years. Frankly, I welcomed that fate. I had little pleasure in living. All I did was eat, go to work (where I ate some more) and sleep. I had type II diabetes for which I took oral meds. All my joints ached. But I learned about gastric bypass, and for the first time in years, I had real hope that I could lose a lot of weight, keep it off and have a semi-normal life and appearance. As I have written in earlier entries, and as I have felt most of my life, hope is a dangerous thing for me. I start to believe something positive will happen, and when it doesn’t, I get so disappointed and bitter that my life doesn’t seem worth living.For reasons too complicated to go into, I did not have the surgery. I cried for days when I realized it would not happen, and just wanted my miserable existence to end.But for reasons I don’t understand completely understand, I embarked on a diet. I kept track of everything I ate (using fitday.com) and averaged 1,500 calories daily. I met every other month with a nutritionist, and got a check-up every three months with my primary care doc.It was hell. The first seven months I was hungry nearly all the time. I don’t mean head hunger; I don’t mean a few sporadic hunger pains. I mean stomach cramps and pains that woke me from sleep. I mean hunger so severe that I lost my short-term memory and the ability to do math. I mean hunger so severe that I had trouble seeing because my eyes would not focus. I mean hunger so severe that I rejoiced when daylight savings time arrived, because it meant for that one day, I would be hungry one less hour.I begged my doctor and nutritionist to let me increase my calories to 1,800 a day. They said I would not lose weight if I did, and that eventually, the hunger would go away. After the fifth month, both said they had never had a patient so hungry for so long and didn’t know what to tell me, except not to go over 1,500 calories unless I wanted to regain the weight I had lost.Finally, in May, the hunger eased. I had lost 100 pounds. My short-term memory came back with the addition of Vitamin B complex supplements, and the other side effects went away.I’m still on the 1,500-calorie diet. I exercise for at least 90 minutes most days, and I keep track of every morsel of food that I consume. I’ve lost 140 pounds in less than 14 months, and hope to lose another 30, getting down to a weight of 195 pounds. I look years younger and feel energetic. I don’t have to spend all day Saturday in bed because I’m not exhausted from hauling around all that extra weight. People say I smile and laugh more.Mu quality of life has improved. I used to worry about finding parking less than a block from where I was going, or avoided building that didn’t have elevators. I drove a minivan because I could not fit behind the wheel of anything smaller. Flying was a nightmare because I didn’t fit comfortably in the airplane seats and needed a seat belt extender, to boot. And walking long distances in huge airport and parking lot lugging a suitcase was something I was physically unable to do.Since May, however, I’ve taken three trips, including one overseas. I walked everywhere, for miles at a time, sightseeing.I’ve gone from a dress (well, pants and shirt, because I almost never wear dresses or skirts) size 32 to size 18. I’ve had to replace my wardrobe several times. If it weren’t for eBay, I’d be naked, because I couldn’t afford to buy new clothes every time I lost a size or two. People who haven’t seen me in a year gasp when they encounter me.I take care with my appearance now. My lovely dredlocks are below my shoulders, and I recently dyed my hair very dark brown to get rid of the gray. I wear shirts tucked in, and I wear a belt for the first time in 25 years, because now, I have a waist!But it’s not all stylish clothes and people being flabbergasted at the new me. Losing this much weight and continuing to lose and then keeping it off is hard fucking work. I am seldom full, and never get to eat as much as I want, or even what I want. I used to eat four to six ice cream Dove bars every day; I cut them out cold turkey. I almost never have candy or cake or doughnuts or cookies; chocolate is mostly just a memory.Losing a massive amount of weight means constantly depriving myself of the things that give me the most pleasure. It is a miserable existence, just as miserable the existence I had when I was supermorbidly obese. I’ve traded one kind of misery for another.And physical appearance? Sure, I look presentable in my size 18 jeans and tucked in, fitted blouse. But get me out of my bra and compression shorts, and it is a horror show. My formerly full, plump, squeezable breasts look like deflated footballs. My butt is flat. I have rolls of redundant skin hanging over my stomach and pubic area, and my thighs look like cottage cheese AND have rolls of skin just above the knees. My upper arms have so much excess skin that they flap. I’m glad I found the strength to lose so much weight. I’m enjoying my new, healthy life. But it’s a struggle, and always will be.Want to see before and after pictures? Go here: http://photos.yahoo.com/kasey0613and click on Kasey ASD.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

---Notes---

2004-11-26 09:30:19 Asteri
Oh dear, you're truly one woman to admire. I had no idea you've gone through so much during this process. That is what I call an agony. As you, I prefer this agony than to stay obese. I am sure that you'll be able to manage this and remain healthy.{{{Hugs}}}

2005-09-18 09:39:22 constipated
wow; Kasey your photos look amazing. oh God; i have no idea how you did that. it is easy to tell yourself that you are going to do something about your weight; but you never really know were to start or never have the courage to do it. i lost weight once; last year; when i was 17; but i did it the unhealthy way. i used to binge;purge and then exercise like hecticly and now that is not working for me anymore. i am really glad that you have lost so much weight; your story is really an inspiration to me and i am sure it is an inspiration to many other people out there. thanx for giving me hope.lots of love~katelyn~

---End notes---

2004-11-23 12:12:12 Update; The Job

So I guess I should get MDD readers up to date on my life in the last two and a half years. After reading back on my older entries, I am struck by how miserable an existence I was leading. It certainly helps put my life now in perspective.Since May 2002, when I left the Nightmare on Calvert Street after working there for 17 years, I started work at an international newsgathering organization as the night editor.My former employer is my current employer’s largest client, and not a night goes by that I don’t talk with at least one of my former coworkers.It’s very different here. I went from a workplace of more than 300 to an office of 20. For the bulk of my shift, there is only one other person here. On holidays, I’m in the office alone.This has its disadvantages, because I love to have a big audience, and I work so much that I count on my job for most of my social interaction.But the advantages are myriad: I get to write often; I get to direct much of our coverage; I have varied tasks and begin every shift not knowing that I’ll be doing that night; I get to deal with clients, corporate and other offices within my organization across the country and around the world.I was terrified to leave my former job. I was certain no one would hire a middle-aged, supermorbidly obese woman, but I was wrong. I hope to keep at this for another 10 years and one month (not that I’m counting) until retirement.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

2004-11-23 12:12:12 Inching back to a routine

I got to the gym Tuesday morning. I shouldn’t have gone, however, because the delivery service arrived at my house with my replacement laptop while I was out.I’m hoping a friend can retrieve the new laptop from the shipping depot and I’ll have the machine Wednesday.I’m still gathering, copying and faxing info to my insurance company. I found a recent a picture that shows me wearing one of the gold bracelets that was stolen. The photo is not clear enough for me to say which bracelet it was, but it at least indicates that I’m not making up the jewelry to get a larger settlement.This is along the lines of the old punchline “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?”, I had an otherwise wonderful weekend. My brother and his wife were in the state visiting Mom, and we all got together Saturday at her house, and then Sunday at my house.My brother and I also bought my mother a 32-inch TV. Her vision is getting progressively worse, and she had trouble seeing the 19-inch model she had.And, my mom, who had been without pets since her cat died in June, got two sweet kitties from the Humane Society on Wednesday. In addition, today my niece called me from her home in California. She is semi-estranged from her dad, my brother, over her live-in boyfriend (she is 21; the boyfriend is 52, three years older than her father). But I am always delighted to talk with her, and let her know that I love her no matter what, and that if she’s happy, I’m happy.So despite the annoyance of dealing with the burglary, I’m getting lots of warm fuzzies from my family.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

2004-11-23 12:12:12 Post Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday, went well. Mom and I made our traditional visit to a wonderful restaurant in the Nation’s Capital for a fabulous buffet meal. Then I went to work.I was able to get to the gym for a full workout on Friday. Barring catastrophe (and last week demonstrated how easily life can turn catastrophic) I’ll be able to work out Saturday and Sunday as well. On Monday, I have door salesmen coming over to give estimates on replacing my back door, which has window panes that were broken, with a solid door. I’ll do yard work until the salemen arrive, so I’ll get some exercise. I keep discovering more things that the burglars took. Contrary to my initial assessment, a lot of my silver jewelry was taken with all my gold items. I also had a wireless keyboard and mouse still in the retail box that is gone.Getting documentation for the insurance company is proving difficult and time-consuming. I spent 30 minutes on the phone with Dell to wrest from them a receipt for my desktop that was stolen. I bought the laptop from a friend and paid cash, so I have no receipt for that. I bought my Colombian leather gym bag and IBM brand leather briefcase on eBay years ago, and have no receipts to identify them. I have PayPal receipts, but they only identify the person paid and the amount; they don’t say what the actual items were.In between exercise sessions this weekend. I’m going to plow through the pile of papers on my desk and in my “to file” box to see if I can come up with better receipts. I will also contact American Express and get three years of statements. I paid for most stuff with AmEx and hope there will be some evidence that the insurance company will accept.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

2004-12-07 10:05:00 Manic

Ack! I’ve neglected this diary yet again. I’ve been busy (who hasn’t been, especially this time of the year) with work and dealing with my insurance company after the burglary last month.Work has been busy — news and sports don’t stop just because the holidays are coming, or because it’s cold and rainy and dreary. One of my coworkers went to California to tape episodes of “Jeopardy!” I’m not allowed to say how well he did on the game. I spent Saturday, like most Saturdays, taking my mother grocery shopping and on other errands, because her vision has gotten so bad after several eye surgeries that she can’t see well enough to drive.Her inability to drive has been obvious to me for months, but on Saturday she finally said she could no longer drive. She is going to keep her car, however, in hopes that having it will make it easier for other people to drive her around. She says some people at her retirement community are still able to drive but can’t afford cars.We’ll see how good an idea this is. I think the cost of keeping a car — insurance especially — is too much for someone on a fixed income if she’s only going to be driven around once or twice a week. But she says keeping the car makes her feel less isolated.I’ve been exercising like a maniac, and that’s no exaggeration. Two hours and 15 minutes on Sunday, two hours on Monday, one hour and 45 minutes today.I tried Pilates for the first time. It is fairly intense and makes use of muscles I don’t always engage. I hope to continue classes, because it’s no-impact and strengthening and can increase flexibility. It’s a good change from pounding cardio and heavy weightlifting. I’m exercising so much because I’m self-medicating. Previously I would overeat. Other people drink or to do drugs; I overtrain.I get sad this time of year. I hate late fall and all of winter. I hate the long nights, the cold, the possibility of dangerous weather. Plus I’m feeling stressed from dealing with the burglary. My appetite is fading and I’m having more trouble sleeping than usual. I don’t think I’m tired or sleep deprived, but my fear is that I’m in a manic phase and will crash soon.But man, will I be fit!Kasey (Jane Skye So)

2004-12-10 08:53:00 Could I be any busier?

Work continues to be hectic, but I’m doing my job well and getting attagirls for it. I’ve written a couple of stories and was on the radio feed this morning.I’ve applied to teach a journalism class at a local college. It pays next to nothing, but it would be a way to find out if I like teaching. I’ve always wanted to teach, and have consider it an option for when I retire.Finally got the glass replaced in the patio door. And after Dell said my new desktop would not be shipped until the end of this month, it has been shipped. I skipped gym today to wait at home for it, but UPS made a delivery attempt late this afternoon, after I had left for work.I was hopeful that I would have the computer for the weekend, because it will take hours to get it set up and functioning and get all the peripherals connected and the WiFi working and all the software downloaded and installed. Well, I’ll get the computer when I get it, and get it set up when ... well, you know.Like most people, it’s a struggle to stay on my diet this time of year. I’ve cut back on most days to make up for the inevitable overeating opportunities, but I overindulged on Thursday, succumbing to fried mozzeralla, chicken tenders and potato wontons from a local pub.I’ve been exercising regularly, except today (see above) and Thursday, when I had planned to walk to and from the office for lunch with a friend. But it rained, and I got a ride back.Before the rain started, I went into an Ashley Stewart dress shop, which sells sizes 14 to 26. A year ago, I was too fat to fit into anything in that store. But having lost 145 pounds, I tried on a size 1X coat, and it fit! If I get any free time next week (not bloody likely; I have to take all three cats to the vet on Tuesday, and I have a doc appointment on Thursday; I’ll still be waiting on delivery of my computer, and have to go to gym and work AND make my weekly visit to my mother’s house 45 miles away to take her grocery shopping) I’ll go back and buy the coat and a sweater to go with the size 16 skirt I fit into and bought last week at Fashion Bug Plus. I’m invited to two holiday parties, and I thought I’d dress like a girl for a change.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

---Notes---

2004-12-10 22:01:22 Asteri
Hi! I hope you get the class in College! Isn't it nice to fit into "normal" clothes? :) E-mail me when you can. {{{Hugs}}}

2004-12-11 03:31:01 peacemaker
Hey how can you feel safer after your break in? I feel for you and your plight trying to put the pieces back together after the loss. You would do well and enjoy teaching. You have a lot to offer to young kids. By conincidence,I just looked up SheisSoSweet over at Xanga. She is a journalism major at Temple U. I had mentioned you to her years back when you both were here. Are there Doberman cats?

---End notes---

2004-12-15 09:56:00 Will someone please return my calls?

Things continue to be busy. And I’m waiting for people to call me: the insurance company, the gym about my request to see a personal trainer, the yard cleanup people, the college journalism people.Wayne and I spent Sunday afternoon together. We went to Tony Roma’s for dinner, then hung out at his place. I got my handtruck back from him, which I had lent him when he moved to a new apartment in June.I needed the handtruck because my desktop computer replacement was shipped and arrived this week. I’m getting it set up in baby steps, because I simply don’t have several free hours to unpack, plug in, boot and reboot, download and install software and peripherals and see if the backup drive will transfer my otherwise stolen files. Much of my lack of free time is from so much time spent at the gym. I’ve decided to cut back my exercise from 90 minutes to 120 minutes each session (one day last week I did 135 minutes of cardio) to 60 minutes to 90 minutes. I hope to continue to exercise five or six days a week.Despite how time consuming it is, I enjoy exercising. I helped lead two step aerobics class this week when the regular instructor was on vacation and the replacement knew nothing about step. I wouldn’t mind working part time as an aerobics instructor and/or personal trainer. If I ever get any free time, I’ll see what’s involved in getting certified.My free time is further limited by having to drive 88 miles roundtrip to visit my mother every Saturday to take her grocery shopping and other errands. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to do it, and I’m pleased that my restored energy makes it possible for me to help her. But that eats up Saturday morning (cutting into my sleep time) and afternoon.I would love to take a week off from work and just sleep late and go to the movies.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

2004-12-17 08:41:00 Medical Update

My doc has taken me off Metformin for diabetes. The weight loss and exercise have kept my blood sugar well-controlled. I still must check my levels regularly, and if the numbers go too high, I'm to resume taking the medication.But despite the massive weight loss and hours of exercise weekly, my blood pressure AND my cholesterol have continued to creep up. I'm already on Lipitor to lower my cholesterol, and my doc has added another med, whose name escapes me.And I'm to take an ACE inhibitor for the hypertension. I need to get blood tests in two weeks to make sure the new meds aren't hurting my kidneys or my recently-discovered-not-to-be-infected liver.And I need vigilant about side effects, mostly headaches or dizziness, which could mean that my blood pressure is dropping too low.My doc also said it's too soon to see a plastic surgeon; I need to wait until my weight stabilizes.And I got a flu shot.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

---Notes---

2004-12-18 00:31:01 Asteri
Hello there, it's great your sugar levels are so low. I can relate with the cholesterol thing and my blood pressure, even it's not high, it's not low neither. I find it "close to high". Have a nice weekend. {{{Hugs}}}

---End notes---

2004-12-21 07:03:00 Inching back to computing normalcy

After spending all of Sunday afternoon and evening unpacking and setting up, I am finally up and running on my replacement desktop computer. While I really like my new, tiny and very portable Thinkpad, there’s nothing like having enough power to launch the space shuttle on one’s desk.It hadn’t been running even five hours when the Blue Screen of Death appeared. Windows update is set at auto install, and an update installed and then tried to reboot while I was trying to restore from my backup drive. The restore — my effort to duplicate the files on the desktop computer that was stolen last month — isn’t going to well. I have Maxtor One-Touch drive, which I had set to do a full back up every single day. Despite its claim that it works just like a hard drive, the file names are gibberish. I’ve followed the restore directions three times; the first two times, an empty folder was copied.The third time, I was able to restore about half of my MP3 files. But my documents, photos and thousands of archived e-mails, so far, have eluded me. I’ll keep at it. My fav tidbit so far on the Dell Dimension 8400 — XM Satellite radio, for which I have subscriptions in my car, boom box and computer, is included and already set up in Windows Media Player. That means I can get rid of the external antenna and converter. I like anything that reduces the clutter on my desktop.Speaking of clutter, my new Dell came with a five-speaker and subwoofer system. I decided that I needed more space on my desk, so I bought an all-in-one printer/scanner, the Epson Stylus Photo RX500. This allowed me to remove the separate printer and scanner. Plus, the printer has built-in media card readers, so that’s another piece of hardware I removed from my desk.I’ll be setting up my wireless network once I’m done with the restore effort.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

---Notes---

2004-12-25 05:40:49 peacemaker
Hey what steps have you taken to make sure that all of your work isn't in vain? Have you sent those cats to attack school? I would get a pet panther. Where theives are successful they may return! Have a great Christmas! Freedom's Wings(aka Nice Cat) stopped by too from yesteryear!

---End notes---

2004-12-31 11:18:00 2005

It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m at work, natch, as I was Christmas night. I’m here by myself, so it’s a little lonely and creepy, but it’s better than being home alone.I’m still waiting to hear from the jeweler about when I can pick out stuff to replace the bracelets that were stolen. The yard will finally get cleaned up on Tuesday, but only after several nagging phone calls to the landscaper, whom I paid in full on Dec. 6. No word on when the new door, which I also ordered on Dec. 6, will arrive. The home improvement guy said two weeks, and it’s been more than three.I got a letter from the police claiming that they had called me several times and could not reach me. Bullshit. I have caller ID, and there are no calls from the PD.Anyway, the letter says I need to be interviewed further or look at photos. Who knows what that means. I called the number and the detective won’t be in until next week. I’m going to send a letter as well, because clearly the cops aren’t making much of an effort to reach me.Am I the only person who can’t get ANYONE to call her back or do the work they were paid for? What ever happened to customer service? Sheesh.I finally (after paying weeks in advance and several nags; is there a theme here?) had my first session with a personal trainer at the Y. She says every rep on the weight machines should be a “challenge” and that workouts need to be somewhat difficult. Not what someone like me, who already tends to overtrain, needs to be told.But she showed me proper use of some machines that I had just started using without instruction, and showed me how to vary the grip on other machines to use different muscles and make the lifts more challenging. And, of course, she wants me to lift heavier weights, and to lift three times a week instead of twice a week.That’s in addition to getting several hours of cardio every week. No wonder most people don’t exercise. Fortunately, I like exercising, especially aerobics with good music and choreography. I like weightlifting the least, though. Despite the lonely start to 2005, I’m eager to see what the new year holds. This is the least I’ve weighed in 25 years, and I’m still losing. I hope I can get my weight below 200 pounds this year, and wear size 16 jeans. I’m already planning my spring trip to New York and my fall trip to London and Barcelona.On Sunday, I’m going to a local theater to see a touring company production of “Jesus Christ Superstar” and the following weekend, I’ll go to New York to see a couple of shows.I plan to go to baseball games here and in D.C. in the spring and summer. And maybe I’ll get enough free time to go to the movies, a goal that has eluded me for weeks.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

---Notes---

2005-01-03 14:41:42 Asteri
Happy New Year dear! I am so sorry you're having so much trouble in getting your stuff back after this situation. It's definitely not fair but I am sure you'll solve it eventually. Your plans for this year sound terrific. I hope you achieve them all and most importantly, enjoy them. :) Blessings...

---End notes---

2005-01-14 12:18:00 A walking trip

Oh, dear. Once again, it’s been a while. I continue to be mind-numbingly busy. I pondered giving up on the idea of sleep, as I’m not getting much anyway. I might as well abandon this fantasy that I can get enough rest and just accept the fact that I have to get up at 8:30 a.m. every day, even though I have to work until 1 a.m.On Thursday, I went to the jewelry to pick out pieces similar to the ones stolen when my house was burglarized in November. I got teary-eyed as I looked at the pieces and remembered what my father had given me.It’s so sad that these treasures from my father are probably adorning some pimp’s wrist now.Anyway, I found pieces to match most of what was stolen. The jeweler had very few silver bracelets, so I’ll probably have to get cash for that and buy them online.On Wednesday, the solid-core door was installed. And last week, the landscape company trimmed the bushes. They did a terrible job and will probably have to come back.I went to New York for a weekend of Broadway theater. I saw “Avenue Q,” which was fun; “Gem of the Ocean” which was good drama and fab acting but a long and tedious story; and “Pacific Overtures,” which was spectacular.And I had a wonderful meal at Mama Mexico. I ate way too much the whole weekend, from bacon and Danish at the breakfast buffet to pastries at Starbucks.Of course, even on my weekend away, I managed to exercise too much. I walked in the pouring rain and 40-degree temps from the train station at 34th and Seventh to my hotel at 52nd and Third. For Saturday’s matinee, I walked from the hotel to the theater on 45th and Broadway (at least it had stopped raining). For dinner, I walked from the theater to the restaurant at Third and 48th, back to the hotel briefly, then to the evening performance at Broadway and 48th, then back to the hotel.On Sunday, I walked from my hotel to the theater at 54th and Broadway, then back to the train station. I did not catch a a single cab. I figured I walked about five miles altogether.Kasey (aka Jane Skye So)

---Notes---

2005-01-19 07:30:48 peacemaker
I have always found people in NY so much more friendly than they are reputed to be. I used to take my boys, when they were younger. My oldest son (16 then) was interested in seeing virgin records, so much for landmarks. My 16 year old guy and I went to the Letterman show taping. I remember taking my 10 year old to see the UN and he was frightened of the demonstrators who were picking and yelling shame on China re:Tibet. He just couldn't get comfortable with a yelling crowd being across the street. I used to take him out of school with a buddy and we would go to see the Bronx zoo, and the Museum of Natural History.

---End notes---

2005-01-19 08:59:00 Can't slow down

Charm City got a two-inch snowfalll today. Nothing much, people still panicked and the roads were a little dicey. But I shoveled snow, to clear my driveway and walk, for the first time in years. This was after braving the roads to go to the gym. I am still tickled that I can do physical things. I had a nice, but extremely busy, weekend. I had my first appointment with my new psychotherapist on Saturday. Then I drove 45 miles to see Mom, as I do on most Saturdays, to take her grocery shopping and do chores for her. On Saturday night, I played poker with coworkers until 3 a.m.On Sunday, Wayne, another former coworker from the Nightmare on Calvert Street, and I went to a museum and then dinner downtown. Then I drove Wayne to my place (his car is on the fritz) where he installed a smoke detector. Then I drove him to his place, where I got his DVD/VHS recorder working.Wayne is having a blast at his job, which he started in October. He’s the senior editor of two arts magazines, and he works day hours and has his own office. He gets to take trips (he’s going to Philadelphia next month for a huge convention) and sometimes he and his coworkers blow off the afternoon and go to the movies or a gallery.I’m delighted to see him having so much fun. The Nightmare on Calvert Street ground him down, and it’s good to see him happy and productive.Wayne expressed concern about my being so busy with work and working out and taking care of Mom and possibly teaching a college course and that I can’t sleep much and the negative thoughts are back. I’ve always been a workaholic, and I always overdo. I exercise so much instead of eating so much; both are forms of self-medication. I’m still struggling with finding a balance, but these days I can’t sleep and I’m bothered a lot by the negative thoughts. It’s as if there were a half dozen radios in my head, and each is playing a different station. The din is unsettling.Let’s hope the new therapist will help me get a grip on things.The college class is still up in the air. Registration runs through Tuesday; after that, the department chair said, they’ll decide if enough students have signed up. I won't know until Jan. 26, and the first class is Jan. 27.Work continues to be demanding. I have to train staff on new software, and I worked until 3 a.m. today on a late-breaking story. I can take the week of Feb. 21 off. I want to just chill for a week — sleep late and go to movies. But I hate wasting five of my very limited vacation days and not go somewhere exciting.Sigh.Kasey (aka Jane Skye So)

2005-01-31 08:08:00 Back to School

I started teaching at a local university last week. My class is on features writing; it meets thrice weekly. I have about 15 students (people are still signing up and I expect a few will drop the course).I’m pretty much flying by the seat of my pants. The university didn’t even confirm I was teaching the class until the first day of the spring semester, which I missed. The bookstore doesn’t have the two books required for the course, and the computer in the classroom seems to be dead. I have no idea how to rectify these things, nor do I know how to record grades.And I won’t get paid until my transcipt from 23 years ago arrives from my alma mater.So far, though, I’m having a blast! I like lecturing, which I make as much of a give-and-take as possible. I’m enjoying coming up with ideas, and I love the enthusiasm of the students who are interested. I have their first papers; I’ll look at them briefly before bed tonight, and grade them tomorrow.Yet another new adventure!Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

---Notes---

2005-01-31 20:43:19 Asteri
Cool :) Blessings...

2005-02-01 12:17:01 Fyresetter
Good to see you again, wish I could audit your class!

2005-02-02 05:31:55 peacemaker
KC you will be awesome! I like Fyre would like to be in your class. I just don't leike having to watch spenlling comas & typos and stuff like that.

---End notes---

2005-02-09 04:45:00 Publish or perish

Here are links to an essay I wrote for my former employer. It was published on Sunday. The first link is to a text-only verison of the essay; the second link has the picture of me that went with the story.http://www.baltimoresun.com/features/custom/unisun/bal-un.jones0206,1,6053777.story?coll=bal-unisun-headlineshttp://www.print2webcorp.com/news/baltimore/Unison/20050204/p23.aspKasey (aka Jane Skye So)

2005-02-10 08:49:00 Baby, you can drive my car

I’ve shrunk, and now my car has shrunk.In April 2002, my minivan was wrecked after an encounter with an open manhole in the decaying mid-Atlantic metropolis I call home. I had to rent a car until I could buy another. At the car rental company, I booked and paid for a compact car. When I went to the car, I could barely get fit into it, and could not fasten the seat belt around me. I weighed 365 pounds then.The car rental company did not have a seat belt extender, so I had to rent a minivan, because it was the only vehicle in which I could fit comfortably and fasten my seat belt. The next week, I bought another minivan, the largest available on the market. It is a reliable, comfortable, safe vehicle, but its size makes it difficult to park and maneuver in tight garages, and it guzzles gas.Today, I traded in the minivan for a perky, fun-to-drive mini SUV. Now that I weigh 150 pounds less, I fit in the SUV nicely.Kasey (aka Jane Skye So)

---Notes---

2005-02-11 11:56:19 Fyresetter
Congratulations on downsizing!!! You should be proud of yourself. By the way, I tried both of those sites you mentioned about your article and the Baltimore Sun wouldn't let me read it without subscribing, sorry. Would have liked to see your pic and read your article. Fyre :)

---End notes---

2005-02-28 05:24:00 Update, 10 days late

(I tried to post this on Feb. 18, but the MDD server was down.)Been doing the work-workout-teaching thang, as busy as ever. After tonight, I’m on vacation from my full-time job for nine days. I still have to teach my college class three mornings, but not having to work my "real job" will ease my considerable stress and maybe help me sleep.And I had my two other vacation weeks approved. I’m going to New York in June; I’m not sure where I’m going to go in October — right now I’m considering Las Vegas or London.Last weekend, Wayne and I had lunch with six of our former coworkers from the Nightmare on Calvert Street. It was a fun and raucous gathering. I don’t miss my former workplace, but I sure miss the people.I’ve been enjoying my new (used) mini SUV. I got satellite radio installed and none too soon. Listening to terrestrial radio for five days made me want to plunge an ice pick into my eardrums.I’ve resumed psychotherapy, but I’m not sure it’s going to work well. The therapist, despite having a Ph.d, seems to be not too smart — a problem for me with high intelligence. I left my former therapist for several reasons, but at least he was nearly as smart as me.Several people at the Y saw my essay in the paper and talked with me. I’m such an inspiration, apparently.Kasey (aka Jane Skye So)

2005-02-28 08:25:00 Vacation over already?

I’m back to work after nine days off, although I did teach my college class on three of those days. The weather here has been difficult, with snowstorms on Thursday and again today. Worrying about whehter classes would be cancelled or how icy the roads would be added more stress that I would have liked on my vacation.I did not get to any movies. I did spend time at a huge mall I’ve never been to, but I didn’t buy anything but food — the wrong foods. I’ve been craving carbs and eating too many scones. Plus I had several large meals during my time off, and they all included dessert.I also didn’t get to the gym as often as I hoped. Weather interfered.So I’m afraid to get on the scale. My last weigh-in had me at 213 — my lowest in 25 years. I hope to get down to 190 (without plastic surgery) by the end of this year.But I’ll be fine, even if I don’t lose another pound. I’m wearing size 18, and I have so much energy and can do so much, it’s hard sometimes to hunker down to lose still more weight.And I look so fabulous in my new (used) sporty SUV that I can hardly stand it.I got some things done on my vacation that I wanted. I did my taxes and will be getting a refund. I desposited some checks and set up recurring payments for most of my bills.I installed my Wifi router and now I can use my laptop anywhere in the house and surf. I bought a second laptop — the price at Best Buy was too good to pass up — and I bought a scanner to take to Mom’s house to get her lifetime of pictures digitized.Wayne spoke to my journalism class on Friday. He was visibly nervous, poor man, but did well. The students seemed to learn from him, judging from what they wrote in their assignments after. After Wayne addressed my class, we went to lunch (one of the large meals I mentioned above). Because it had snowed the day before and the city schools were closed, his office also closed, so he had a paid day off. Did he land a great job after leaving the Nightmare on Calvert Street, or what?Today Wiley, a coworker, addressed my class, and on Wednesday, Lorena, a former coworker, will talk. I’m glad to get people to do this because a) it’s good for students to hear from other professionals, and b) it saves me having to prepare a lecture.Back to work this week, and it’s going to be a difficult one. I have split days off, so I won’t even get the limited two days of rest that I already find inadequate. Plus, I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, which is always unpleasant; it will be more so because the jaw stiffness/clicking/pain that I developed over the summer but went away has now returned.And the tendinitis has returned to my right shoulder.Damn. I need another vacation.Kasey (aka Jane Skye So)

---Notes---

2005-02-28 21:04:03 Hate Anger Rage
At least you had a vaction. I'm not working now, but staying sain at home with my family is a 24 hour job I despritely need out of and soon!

2005-02-28 21:04:03 Hate Anger Rage
At least you had a vaction. I'm not working now, but staying sain at home with my family is a 24 hour job I despritely need out of and soon!

2005-03-09 06:54:46 peacemaker
Nice that you have had so much sun in your life since leaving the Nightmare. Nice to see you settling into your newest role. I am sure the students will benefit from you and your friends giving them a taste of the real work world is like.

---End notes---

2005-03-10 10:02:00 Good news, a few times

I got good news from my car insurance company today. Iâ€™ve been moved to the medium-risk pool from the high-risk pool. This will save me $1,400 per year, assuming an open manhole doesnâ€™t destroy my cool Rav4 like it did the Wonder Van, which is what sent me into the high-risk pool two years ago.In other financial news, I got a check for my state tax refund, despite my filing out all the paperwork to have it directly deposited to my brokerage account. I guess this e-filing thing isnâ€™t perfect year.My transcript finally arrived from my alma mater and I can officially be hired as an adjunct professor, a week from spring break. Iâ€™ll get a computer network password, an e-mail address, a parking pass, and soon, a (tiny) paycheck.I had a wow moment with class this week. The students were really worked up about a newspaper article that discussed the problems at the university. One asked if they wrote a letter to the editor, would it be published? I said I wasnâ€™t sure, but if they wanted to work on such a letter, I would help them.So Fridayâ€™s class will be going over the article looking for factual errors to put in the letter. It was good to see the students excited and coming up with an idea on their own.

---Notes---

2005-03-10 22:13:00 Hate Anger Rage
good

---End notes---

2005-03-18 09:38:00 Dribs and drabs

Spring break starts tomorrow, so I’ll have three days next week when I can sleep late. I’ve been dozing off late in my shift at work, so I guess I’m sleep deprived.Some of the students asked what courses I would be teaching in the fall semester. It seems many of them actually like my class. Who knew I’d be good at this?But I don’t even know if the university will have me back. I learned I was teaching this class the day the semester started, so advance notice is not this institution’s strong suit.I saw my doc this week. Blood pressure and cholesterol are down in response to new meds. My weight has settled around 215 pounds, for a loss of 150 pounds in less than 18 months. I’m wearing size 18W, which still amazes me. My doctor gave me a referral to the plastic surgeon, so maybe I can get some of this redundant skin loped off during the summer so I no longer look like a shar-pei.Because it seems my weight has stabilized, I’ve been willing to spend money on new clothes, rather than get someone else’s castoffs from eBay as I did when I was losing. I bought a pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans and three blouses at The Avenue this week, plus two dresses. one to wear to a wedding this month.I need to get a business-like outfit for next month’s conference.My mom had further surgery on her eye this week. My brother came from California to help take care of her. I’ll be visiting her this weekend.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

2005-03-25 10:53:00 Spring break over already?

I had fun at Ben and Tiffany’s wedding last week. They seem so much in love. Well, spring break is over and I’m still exhausted. I enjoyed not having to get up and dressed at 8:30 on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. But it’s back on the overwork treadmill.I have the midterm papers to grade — the students’ big writing project. It will take me several hours to edit these papers. I hope do do a few Saturday night and the rest Sunday afternoon. The gym is closed for Easter, so I hope the weather will be nice enough for me to walk outside for an hour for exercise.I have been trolling the 'Net for resources for my journalism class. I was hoping that as an instructor and being at an HBCU, there might be workshops, seminars and other stuff available to help make me a better teacher. I found a few things on CJR’s Web site, and downloaded an application to be an exam monitor for the Dow Jones Newspaper Fund.Tomorrow, I’m up at 8 a.m., shower, dressed and out the door for a 9 a.m. appointment with my psychotherapist. Then I motor three counties away to visit my mother. My brother and sis-in-law are there for one last day.After than, I tool up the road to lunch at 1 p.m. with my friend I’ve known since high school. After lunch, we’re going shopping, although I fear the mall will be packed with last-minute Easter shoppers.Once I gave up the idea that it was possible for me to get enough sleep, I’ve been stressing less about my chronic sleep deprivation. It’s whack, I know, but I get upset over not having something I believe I can have. Once I accept, or surrender, that fantasy, I feel better.Speaking of something I can't have, I’m still waiting for eHarmony to give me even one lousy match. I’ve gotten some responses from another dating site, but I haven’t had time to look at the men’s profiles in depth yet. Perhaps Sunday night.(See what I mean? Instead of sleeping Sunday night, I’ve surrended the idea of sleep so I can try to find a man willing to go out with me. It’s the same with exercise _ I can either sleep, or exercise. I chose to exercise.)Kasey (aka Jane Skye So)

---Notes---

2005-04-14 23:45:25 peacemaker
hey Kasey, hang in there. neat that you have a lifelong friend. My life long friend died several years ago. I stopped fretting about the sleep deal and accepted my wacky sleep patterns a while back. I use the time up to do this and other things that I either have to do or find relaxing. Good luck connecting with someone. Those who are successful never give up.Take care.Joe

---End notes---

2005-05-09 09:39:00 What a Relief

First, the good news; then the details of the stress I’ve been under for the past three weeks.The biopsy of the “suspicious area” detected on a mammogram showed no sign of cancer; only benign microcalcifications, most likely the result of aging.What a relief.The radiologist said I should have a followup mammogram in six months. Assuming that shows no changes, I can go back to annual, rather than semiannual, screenings.She called me on my cell phone about 5 p.m., five days after I had the biopsy, and three weeks after she first told me about the suspicious area.Now I can plan my New York trip without fear, and I now look forward to June’s consult with a plastic surgeon to see about a tummy tuck.I had the biopy on my right breast done at the Johns Hopkins Hospital. I know I am getting the best care available in the world there. I’m grateful, as always, that I have access to that top-ranked institution.A volunteer breast cancer survivor was there to stay with me during the procedure. I was glad she was there; she talked and helped me keep my mind off what was happening.First, several mammograms were taken of the area to help the radiologist pinpoint the suspicious area. She said the microcalcifications are very faint and difficult to see.Then I went into the stereotactic biopsy room. It had a new-room smell and all the equipment looked brand-spanking new. I climbed up on a lightly padded and very uncomfortable table. In the center was a hole through which my right breast was dangled.I lay down, unable to get even semicomfortable. The radiologist and the nurse busied themselves beneath me, pinning my breast between compression plates.The only pain I felt was went the needle went into my breast (on the underneath part, about midway between my chest and nipple) to inject lidocaine and then when the lidocaine was actually injected. Otherwise, it was just a lot of discomfort, mostly from having to lie in an awkward position for nearly an hour.As a result of the tremendous amount of exercise I do and resulting muscle and mind-body control, I was able to lie still and breathe through the discomfort.The samples were retrieved, checked to make sure they held some calcifications, and after about an hour, of lying awkwardly with my right breast dangling through a hole, clamped tightly and pricked with needles, I was allowed to sit up. I believe a tiny clip was left in the area, to serve as a marker for further biopsies and/or surgery.Then, more mammograms were taken, and I was allowed to leave. The whole series of procedures, from the time I went into the dressing room, until the time I left the dressing room, took about two and half hours.I had enough discomfort hours later to take some Tylenol. The pain discomfort was all gone 72 hours later. I went back to the gym then and felt no discomfort.I'm just glad it's over and ended well.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

2005-05-09 09:57:00 Broadway bound

My Broadway trip next month is all set and I’m totally looking forward to it. I have tickets for “Julius Caesar,” “Spamalot,” “Doubt,” “Brooklyn,” “Spelling Bee,” “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels” and “Rent.” I’ll be staying at a Marriott in midtown, to take advantage of my frequent guest membership and free wireless Internet access.In addition to theater, I’ll be going to the Museum of Modern Art and the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I also might try to hit one of the comedy clubs. No worries about not going to the gym, because I'll be walking all over Manhattan, about five miles a day.I hope to dine, among other places, at a Scandanavia restaurant in Midtown, and Mama Mexico, where I ate during my visit in January, and the Brazilian restaurant across the street, whose name escapes me.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

2005-05-10 09:13:00 Belated update

I didn't realize it's been weeks since I updated. Here are dribs and drabs of what's been going on.I will teach my last college class this semester on Wednesday. I still have a pile o' papers to grade (the final paper is not due until Monday) and I must submit grades by May 23, but no more getting up at 8:30 a.m. to trudge across town to class.Several students simply stopped coming to class after midterms. I shall probably have to fail at least two, and possibly more. I feel this is where I've failed as a teacher, not inspring students to come to class regularly and hand in their assignments more or less on time.************Physical therapy for my shoulder (rotator cuff tendinitis) is going well. I had one session of ultrasound; it hurt like a sonofabitch and so it's back to the pain patch for me.The therapists (I seldom see the same one twice) give me a variety of exercises and have educated me on what kinds of strength training I can and cannot do when I'm fully healed. They're focusing on strengthening my upper back muscles so my injured rotator cuff doesn't have to do as much work. I'm not allowed to lift more than two pounds now, but with Beelzebub as my witness, I WILL lift five pounds again.In addition to twice-weekly physical therapy, I continue to exercise at the gym most days of the week. I do step aerobics, elliptical glider, stationary bike and treadmill and upper body "bike" (http://www.scifit.com/pro1.asp), which the therapists recommended. I also do about 300 crunches each workout. I'll probably start water aerobics later this month now that the weather has warmed up (I hate getting wet when it's cold) and I have more free time.I was so stressed over the last few weeks awaiting the results (thankfully, negative) of the biopsy that I overate a lot of bad stuff _ scones, puddings, chocolate. I've regained seven pounds of the 150 I lost since October 2003. I'm barely able to squeeze into my size 18 jeans. But I feel ready to get the eating under control and lose those seven pounds again.**********************I exchanged e-mails with a man I met through an online dating site (not eHarmony, which cost me $99 and has not given me even one match). We talked on the phone and agreed to meet in person. But I called twice and left messages to arrange the meeting, and got no answer and no call back.*****************My mother is doing better. Her eyesight has improved slightly and she can read a little more than a month ago. Sheï¿½s also in a better mood, much less frightened, and talking about resuming physical therapy and exercise for her back. Sheï¿½ll never see well enough to drive again, so I travel the 45 miles to her house every weekend and take her grocery shopping and do odd jobs around her house.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

---Notes---

2005-05-15 04:14:19 peacemaker
Hang in there Kasey. You are a determined person, but listen to your PT people and don't over do. You will find someone there is a match for everyone who is determined enough to find one. I used to be more agitated by those who dropped out and in college especially I wished that i could have gotten ahold of them and do some outreach.(there was some parent's money involved) It was many years ago that I taught. I found out that there was a lot going on in their lives that was taking their time and attention from all of their studies at least in a few cases. I flunked them with a clear conscience.

---End notes---

2005-06-03 09:25:00 In the mood

I have learned to tell myself these days that my depressive thoughts or feelings are not real. While that knowledge does not make me feel better right away, it does seem to help keep my mood and thoughts from spiraling further into despair.I have noticed a profound mood drop, to the point when I struggle to keep from crying, most evenings at work between 8 p.m. and 11 p.m. I don't think it's related to blood sugar, because I usually eat dinner around 8 p.m., and I usually have a salad 4 p.m. and 6 p.m.Strangely, I don't have this mood drop on my days off.Also (and this has been true for years) I often wake up profoundly depressed.Conversely, I feel euphoric after exercise, which is no surprise. So when I wake up depressed, I remind myself a) that it's not real and b) I'll feel better when I exercise.Maybe I should run up and down the stairs at the office when my mood drops at work. Although it usually takes at least 30 minutes of sweat-inducing exercise to lift my mood in the mornings, maybe a little activity will ward off these evening mood drops.It's still scary not to be able to trust my own mind. But Iï¿½m glad that I'm now starting to realize that my thoughts often have no basis in fact, and that I can perhaps resist the slide down the hole.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

---Notes---

2005-06-04 06:26:26 Fyresetter
This is interesting. Maybe you also dont like working nights. Are you on a new shift or is this something you have been doing for a while. I only thought of it because you dont experience it on your days off, so your mood does not shift when in your home location.

---End notes---

2005-06-15 11:26:00 Great White Way

I'm back from my spring trip to Broadway. My capsule reviews of the shows I saw:"Spamalot": A really big show, very funny, relies heavily on Monty Python and Broadway inside humor."The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee": A small, charming, riotously funny show."Dirty Rotten Scoundrels": Another really big show, a lot of fun, but slow in places."Rent": After nine years on Broadway, this venerable musical's performance seems to last five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes."Brooklyn": Shrill and preachy."Doubt": Very intense, but a little weak for a Pulitzer Prize-winning play."Julius Caesar": Denzel Washington's performance as Brutus was blown away by Colm Feore's Cassius.My celebrity sightings were Lynn Redgrave and her dog in Bryant Park; Eric Idle in the Starbucks a half block from the "Spamalot" theater, and John Cleese in the audience of "Spamalot."Other activities included trips to the newly renovated Museum of Modern Art and the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I can see seven shows in five days and remember details about all of them, but half an hour in a museum and I get so overloaded that I feel my head will explode.I walked everywhere in Midtown _ an average of four miles a day. It's great being mobile and fit, not burdened by supermorbid obesity. I also ate way too much _ great barbecue at Spanky's, and fabulous breakfast buffets at the Marriott Marquis. I also had my share of iced chai tea and pastries at various midtown Starbucks.I did not stay at the Marquis, which is right smack in the middle of the theater district, but at a Courtyard by Marriott, which is much less expensive. The hotel is at a great location (5th Avenue and 40th). It's very nice, but not fancy. It had just about everything I needed, including free wireless high-speed Internet access. I would have liked a proper lobby (it has two chairs stuck on front of the door) and a bar that's open later than 10 p.m.The trip was hideously expensive. My next visit to New York in the fall will be paid for with my credit card's bonus points.Kaseyaka Jane Skye SoP.S. In response to a comment posted on my previous entry, I have been working the night shift (ranging from 3 p.m. to 4:30 p.m. start to midnight to 1 a.m. finish) for more than 10 years. I prefer it because I can do things during the day (medical appointments, car in shop) that most people have to take time off from work to do.

2005-06-21 06:01:00 I'm so vain

I had a consult with a plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins Hospital last week. He said I'm a good candidate for a tummy tuck, breast reconstruction and arm lift. Because of my age, my obesity (I've lost 150 pounds and I'm still obese. Grrr!) and diabetes, he would only do one procedure at a time.His office submitted for approval to my insurance company, but I'm not optimstic that I will get approval. So I'm considering paying for the procedure myself. According to various postings on this site and elsewhere, the procedure probably will cost between $10,00 and $15,000. It is Hopkins, after all, so it will be more expensive that at most places.Dr. Navin Singh said I have one of the worst cases of breast ptosis he has ever seen. The procedure he recommended for me involves relocating the nipples, which would result in lost of sensitivity.So I'm thinking I won’t have the breast surgery. Dr. Singh also expressed concern about possible scarring and keloid formation on my arms if I have the arm lift. I'm still willing to have that procedure, because the sagging skin and jiggle on my upper arms area very distressing to me.His office also scheduled the surgery for Aug. 31. If I decide to pay myself, I will plan for that date. Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

---Notes---

2005-06-21 18:44:55 freakychick90
thats a lot of weight lost girl! 150 pounds, good for you! dont get yourself down because you might still be obiese after losing 150 pounds, think of how much more healthy you feel, and how much longer you'll live. and if you get the tummy tuck, the pounds should just melt off. good luck! bye!

2005-06-22 11:14:49 Fyresetter
I guess I have some concerns with this. It may be my personal hatred for hospitals and the medical profession in general. If you dont need the surgery, why bother? Also, I am kind of in the same situation as you, but I have only lost 70 pounds. I know what arm jiggle looks like. Has the doctor discussed with you whether it is better to wait until you have lost all your weight before you do this? Just asking. Best of luck whatever you decide. Fyre :)

2005-06-22 14:20:07 Asteri
Hi Kasey,I wonder, just like Fyre, if surgery is more appropriate or not after all the weight is lost. I eliminated the possibility of any breast lift surgery because I fear losing sensitivity in the nipples. I still try to mend the harm with daily exercises. After 100 pounds, my arms are finally getting better without surgery (the loose skin has been reduced from 3 inches to 1), so there are also other alternatives. After exercises do whatever they can, I'll try mesotherapy before surgery. Have you hade any research regarding this other option? I personally know people who have tried it and it works. Tummy tuck, that's another story because the abdominal area is where we store more fat and the excess skin is greater. Whatever your decision is, I wish you that everything goes well.Blessings,Asteri

---End notes---

2005-08-19 06:46:00 The active life

As usual, it’s been too long since I posted. This summer has been a whirlwind of work, exercise, helping take care of my mother, attending baseball games and street festivals, and arranging to undergo a tummy tuck.I’m living the active lifestyle I could only I fantasize about less than two years ago, when I weighed 365 pounds. Gone are the weekends I lost because I was so tired that I spent virtually all Saturday in bed. Gone are the weekends that required no more planning than that I get to the store and buy enough Dove ice cream bars, cookies and cake to last 60 hours. Gone are the weekends when I did not leave the house or even change out of my pajamas.The abdominoplasty, which I am paying for myself, will take place very soon. I’ve had the pre-op physical and blood work done. I need to get the antibacterial scrub (I ordered some online from a veterinary pharmaceutical house, but I’m not sure if that’s exactly what is needed). I must call the hospital to make sure all the test results were received. I’ve arranged transport to and from the hospital, and for friends to help while I recuperate.Many times, I feel I have given myself a good life. Then, my mood slips and the intrusive thoughts resume. Despite my vastly improved physical health, depression still batters me relentlessly. The black dog continues to nip at my heels even as I walk, glide, pedal, step and weightlift my way through life.My next update will come after I’m home from surgery. Send positive thoughts my way.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

---Notes---

2005-08-19 18:56:18
Dear Jane:Congratulations on your upcomming new life! Its so good to know that people struggle throught the same trials that I do. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you can remain optimistic during your recovery period. Good luckCheersErin!

2005-08-23 02:33:27 peacemaker
You will do well! You are a courageous woman, and mighty persistent too. I know you will stay strong and battle the octopus of depression with success. You always had a much more descriptive name for that foe than I can remember. Good luck with the surgery.

2005-08-25 18:37:32 Jane Skye So
Ah, yes, Peace, I used to call my depression the Despair Squid, after a monster in the sci-fi comedy "Red Dwarf."

---End notes---

2005-08-25 06:38:00 More unpleasantness

I said I wouldn’t post again until after my plastic surgery. But stuff keeps happening.I knew that things would occur that would make my pre-surgery time even more stressful; that’s how my life always goes. But I never predict what exactly will happen to make me sad/inconvenienced/in pain.I’m sad because a former co-worker from the Nightmare on Calvert Street died. He was only 53; he died from a recurrence of lyphoma. I had seen him and his teen-ager daughter at the Whole Foods in the early spring; apparently that was shortly before he learned the cancer, which had been in remission for more than five years, had come back. I’ll be going to his funeral on Saturday. Wayne will be there to; Paul (the dead co-worker) helped Wayne get his current apartment. I'll also see many other former co-workers.I’m inconvenienced because my bathtub drain is clogged. The plumber is due Friday morning. I’m worried that he won’t be able to fix it quickly, and that the repair will cost a fortune. Until it is fixed, I have to shower at the gym.I’m in pain because, seemingly in a instant, I have developed a boil on my tailbone. It hurts to sit in many positions, and I cannot lie flat in my bed for even a minute. The only treatment for now is hot compresses.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

---Notes---

2005-09-08 16:06:21 peacemaker
sorry to hear of the death of a friend. the age old question why do bad things happen to good people, is forever unanswered.

---End notes---

2005-09-11 10:20:00 Recuperating nicely, thank you

I had abdominoplasty on Aug. 31. Surgeon removed 10.2 pounds of skin and fat. Although there is considerable swelling (my waist measurement is three inches bigger than just before surgery) and lots of stitches, already I'm delighted with the results! I can see my pubic area when I sit down and I don't have the bulges of skin hanging over my thighs and sides. Once the swelling subsides in three or four months, I'm sure I'll be even more pleased.I had my first post-op medical visit with surgeon's nurse on Wednesday, and had the drains removed. She also cleared me to drive, to walk up to two miles daily (no other exercise, though, for three more weeks), and to return to work in two weeks. I must wear a binder 24/7 (except when I shower) for six weeks.The surgery went well, although I had a reaction to the anesthesia after the procedure. I fainted twice, apparently because my blood pressure dropped suddenly. I spent one night in hospital.I have had virtually no pain. Keep in mind, because of the extreme amount of exercise I did pre-op (60 minutes to two hours most days, for the past 18 months), I have a very high tolerance for pain.*************While I'm recovering well, my bad luck continues to torment me in other ways. Early Tuesday, I rebooted, then got the BSD again, with these dreaded words: "Unmountable boot volume."I booted in safe mode. Same evil message. Ran Dell diagnostics. "Cannot access hard drive."I knew then that the hard drive was a goner.Call Dell. tech had me run diagnostics again, confirmed that drive was dead. the desktop is under warranty (it is the replacement I got after the burglary in November) and tech said new hard drive would be shipped within two business days, and local tech would come to my house and install it. As of Friday afternoon, no word from Dell as to when hard drive and tech would arrive.In the meantime, I'm connected via laptop.Norton Antivirus was doing its daily scan on my desktop computer when the Blue Screen of Death appeared. That has happened a few times before, so I was not alarmed.On Friday afternoon, while I was sitting waiting for a friend to visit, suddenly started a very loud, vibrating sound from the fireplace. Figuring it was the heating and/or AC unit, I went to the basement and indeed, the sound was coming from the the area of HVAC unit. I turned off the AC and the house fan, and the noise continued. I used the fused box to cut off electricity to the HVAC. The noise rattled on.Panicked, fearing something in the house was about to explode, I called the local company that installed the AC in July. They are only a mile away, and the office manager, who is not an electrician, agreed to come right over. By this time, my friend had arrived, and she helped me round up the cats into the bedroom.The manager named Buck arrived, and found that the racket was being caused not by the HVAC, but a vibrating water pipe, which is why it continued even after I had shut the electricity off. He used the water cutoff, which reduced, but did not eliminate, the vibrating.Buck called his office, and within 10 minutes, two plumbers, Jeff and Chris, had arrived. The plumbers found and replaced an eroded release valve. Total cost: $125 for the time and work of three men who came over immediately when called. Getting my bathrub drain unclogged last month (I foolishly used Roto Rooter instead of local guys) with one guy who came 24 hours afer I called cost twice that.I thanked them profusely, and a box of chocolates is winging its way to Buck, Jeff and Chris.Kasey aka Jane Skye So

---Notes---

2005-09-11 10:30:42 vaniea
good luck healing from the surgery! once you are all healed you will feel like a new person! your luck will change im sure of it you are a good person and good people allwase get better luck when their time comes. i figure it that its god testing us in life and if we stick thru we will have great rewards! have a great recovery and smile you look good with one on your face! ;)

---End notes---

2005-09-18 04:57:00 Letters, we get letters!

I've been going back over my diary, reading comments I did not know had been left. I'll respond to a few:This is from Fyresetter: "I guess I have some concerns with this. It may be my personal hatred for hospitals and the medical profession in general. If you dont need the surgery, why bother? Also, I am kind of in the same situation as you, but I have only lost 70 pounds. I know what arm jiggle looks like. Has the doctor discussed with you whether it is better to wait until you have lost all your weight before you do this? "I'll discuss point by point: "If you dont need the surgery, why bother?" That, of course, is the classic argument made against cosmetic surgery -- why cut into healthy tissue and take the risks attendant with surgery for vanity's sake? Everyone has to decide how much one wants to put up with. In my case, the skin hung over and completely covered my pubic area. I developed persistent rashes and infections in the folds, despite fanatical cleaniness, powders and ointments. My thighs bumped the hanging flesh when I was biking and during step aerobics, resulting in pain, bruising and more rashes.And yes, it looked bloody awful.>>Has the doctor discussed with you whether it is better to wait until you have lost all your weight before you do this? <<>>I wonder, just like Fyre, if surgery is more appropriate or not after all the weight is lost. <<All the weight I'm likely to lose, give or take 10 pounds, has been lost. My weight has been stable since February. The surgeon required that patients' weight be stable for six months before he will perform reconstructive surgery.>>I know what arm jiggle looks like.<< What I have is more of arm flapping than jiggle. Again, each woman must decide how much these things annoy her and what she wants to do about it.>>After 100 pounds, my arms are finally getting better without surgery (the loose skin has been reduced from 3 inches to 1), so there are also other alternatives.<< I'm glad exercise worked for Asteri. I have exercised from 60 minutes to 120 minutes most days, since April 2004. I do aerobics, cardio machines, walking, weight lifting, swimming and Pilates. If a lot of exercise was all it took to eliminate redundant skin after massive weight loss, I'd be taut enough to bounce a quarter off my stomach.>>After exercises do whatever they can, I'll try mesotherapy before surgery.<< From what I've read about mesotherapy, it is touted as a "fat melting" procedure. What I have is excess skin. If anyone has links to peer-reviewed double-blind clinical trials demonstrating the efficacy of mesotherapy, please e-mail them to me. I'd love to read all about it.I am always delighted to exchange ideas with others. I'm eager to address any questions. Kaseyaka Jane Skye SoAnd this from Asteri: "I wonder, just like Fyre, if surgery is more appropriate or not after all the weight is lost. I eliminated the possibility of any breast lift surgery because I fear losing sensitivity in the nipples. I still try to mend the harm with daily exercises. After 100 pounds, my arms are finally getting better without surgery (the loose skin has been reduced from 3 inches to 1), so there are also other alternatives. After exercises do whatever they can, I'll try mesotherapy before surgery. Have you hade any research regarding this other option? I personally know people who have tried it and it works. Tummy tuck, that's another story because the abdominal area is where we store more fat and the excess skin is greater. Whatever your decision is, I wish you that everything goes well."

2005-09-18 09:10:00 Body healing, mind slipping

I'm due to go back to work on Wednesday. Frankly, I can't wait. Sitting around alone for days on end just exacerbates my tendency to live inside my head. And it's not a pleasant place in there.This recovery has reminded me some unpleasant things about myself. I gave in to exhortations that I need to ask for help instead of stoically sucking it up, and I depended heavily on Wayne -- too heavily, it appears. I've foolishly viewed him (and frankly, this is how he views himself) as an indefatigable superman.In fact, he's an out-of-shape middled-aged guy.Wayne's been absolutely exhausted for the entire month, even though he's not been visiting me since Sept. 7. He calls and/or e-mails every other day. He's also had a lot of demands at work, and his parents blew through town last week and will blow back through town this week.I've called him, anxious and clingy and weepy, a few times. I really hate it when I get like that, but it's how I am when I spend most of my time alone, unable to distract myself with excessive exercise. Inside my head is a charred hellscape ruled by the despair squid, and I often have trouble knowing what's real and what's just in my mind.I also learned a few unpleasant things about Wayne. He can be very controlling and dictatorial. I also asked for help during my recuperation from many other people, only a few of whom actually provided assistance. I was hurt and confused by this lack of support; it's simply the way I view things. Everything ultimately comes down to rejection and disappointment.In 1994, I had a hysterectomy. I was in hospital for three days, then home, not working, for six weeks. I did not have anyone accompany me to the hospital; I asked that people not visit me in the hospital (fear of germs, mostly, but also because I didn't want to be hurt if no one showed up) and I hired a nursing assistant to drive me home and visit me daily for about a week. During this time, there were several back-to-back ice storms, so people were unable to visit me. I managed fine on my own. I wasn't hurt or disappointed by people not coming to visit because a) the weather and b) I didn't ask anybody for help.I was weepy and anxious and frightened, like always, but I was able to keep it to myself because no one was around. I wasn't demanding of kind-hearted people.I wish I had done the same this time; I certainly will the next time I'm laid up. As lonely as I get most of the time, I always do better by myself.I've been going over my finances. I took quite a few hits with the house recently, with having to replace the central air-conditioning, and getting pipes fixed twice. And I still don't know what the final bill will be for the abdominoplasty. I paid $10,000 based on an estimate, but that could rise.I've dipped again into my home equity line. I still have a fair amount of equity in my house; I have a reasonable amount in my IRA and Roth, and I contribute seven percent to my 401(k), with my employer matching three percent. But I'm worried sick -- I know I spend too much, and every move I make to cut down on spending seems to fall by the wayside in a few weeks.But, I remind myself, that's exactly what happened with every diet I'd been on until the one I started nearly two years ago. I've proved I can cut back severely on food; now I need to apply the same discipline to money.So I'm trying, again, to cut back on expenses. I will eliminate the movie channels on my satellite TV -- that will save $40 a month, and I seldom watch movies anyway. My most difficult effort will be eliminating Starbucks. That will save me about $100 a month, and several thousand calories. But I just love the iced venti mocha latte and pumpkin scones. My goal is to stay away from Starbucks until November, when the eggnog latte, my all-time fav, arrives.Mostly, though, I need to stop buying clothes and electronic trinkets and CDs and DVDs.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

---Notes---

2005-09-18 10:07:27 peacemaker
First congratulations on your good judgement with regard to retirement planning. It will pay off big time when it has to, and it must give you some sense of security as well.

Wayne seems to me to fit the category of life long friend. I wouldn't feel bad about leaning on him. This is a mutual relationship with you giving to him on some level too, or it wouldn't have continued this long.

I didn't know because I haven't visit here for some time that you were actually having the planned surgery.

---End notes---

2005-09-20 06:39:00 Speed rejection

I gathered up my courage and attended a speed dating event. Do a Google search if you are not familiar with this phenomenon.Let's put the bad news right at the top: No one selected me for a second date, even though I listed three of the six men I "speed dated" as men I was interested in having a second date. Here is the boilerplate from the e-mail from the speed dating Web site:"Nearly everyone at the event was selected by someone, but a match can occur only if you chose the people who chose you. At this time it appears that we do not have any matches to report to you."Nearly everyone but me was selected?! The Web site also claims that 90 percent of people who attend their functions get second dates. I'm the one out of 10. I'm the freak no one wanted. I'm the fat, old, ugly woman that none of the men was interested in. I hope I can put this massive rejection behind me to write a detailed entry about the event. It was fascinating and fun, I learned a lot, and I left feeling uncharacteristically positive about myself and hopeful that I had been smart and funny and charming enough that at least one guy would want to see me again. But learning that no one wanted to see me again sure sucked the wind out of my sails.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

---Notes---

2005-09-24 00:40:32 peacemaker
so sorry you felt passed over. remember persistence pays! Keep shopping.

---End notes---

2005-10-08 08:01:00 Speeding Dating Part I

Speed dating background: Speed dating are events organized at a bar or restaurant. People pay for an event at which (it is hoped) an equal number of men and women gather, and then are paired off at tables for three minutes to 10 minutes. At the end of the designated time, the event host rings a bell, and everyone moves to another person at another table, chats for the time length and it continues. It is more choreographed than it sounds, and that's the point. Participants are forced to talk with whoever is randomly assigned to their table.The event is organized according to age groups; some events are more specialized, focusing on religious or professional interests. There are also gay and lesbian events. One signs up on a Web site, and 24 hours before the event begins, e-mails are sent inviting people. This is how they get a nearly equal number of men and women at the events.Every gets a name tag with their first name and a number. Cards are also given out, so one can make notes about the each person. At the end of the event, each person writes on the card what they hope for next from each person they "dated": Friend, or second date, or neither. A "match" is made if both people select the same thing (friend or date).How it is handled afterward varies. Some events have people hand in their cards at the end of the event, and you are told right then if the people you selected as friend or date also selected you for the same thing. Others have you go home and input your selections on a Web site, and then if someone else at the event picks you in the same category, you have a match and e-mail addresses are exchanged.Let me make one thing clear from the beginning: Most of the Web sites of these events proclaim very loudly and repeatedly that speed dating is "rejection free." There are no face-to-face rejections, which is something everybody hates, and is the biggest disadvantage of trying to chat someone up at a bar or party or nightclub.But one is still rejected if you select people you want to date and they don't select you. It still hurts to know that you liked and were interested in somebody and got your hopes up, based on your "speed date," that perhaps there were a connection and maybe they liked you to.It's still incredibly painful to find out the other person didn't care for you.I this began quest for male companionship last year with some online dating sites. My rejection rate was staggering. On one site, my profile had more than 800 hits, but not one man followed up by contacting me. I believe that my words drew men in, but once they saw my picture, they ran screaming away.Another site, which advertises heavily on TV, claim it will help one find "the love of your life" because they match on so many levels of interests and requirements. They promise at least one match a month, and claim to have 1 million members.I paid $100 for a three-month membership. No matches. They offered me a second three-month membership for free. Still no matches. In my third free three-month membership, I got two matches. Both men "closed" the match (i.e. rejected me) without even exchanging a single e-mail with me. This is a site that on almost every screen says: "Keep and open mind! Make a real effort to communicate with each match you get! Give everyone who matches you a chance!" I figure the men took one look at my picture and ran screaming the other way.Of course, I am getting no attention in real life. I spend as much as two hours a day at the gym, where there are plenty of men. Not one man has approached me. No one chats me up at the grocery, at Starbucks, at the ball game, at the street festivals I frequent. It's as if I'm invisible.When I weighed 365 pounds, men looked at me with disgust and revulsion. Now that I weigh 150 pounds less, men don't look at me at all.OK, I can can accept that. No man is going to look at me and feel and instant attraction. I'm fat, ugly and middle-aged. The only way I can get a man interested is if he is able to see my inner beauty -- my sense of humor, my friendliness, my intelligence, my quick wit, my kindness, my warmth and my sexiness.Speed dating seemed like one way to do that.Read Part II for my speed dating experience.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

---Notes---

2005-10-08 20:04:10 Lenne
I've heard about this before.

---End notes---

2005-10-08 08:03:00 Speeding Dating Part II

How to get a year's worth of rejections in just two hours.Spoiler: As I said two entries ago, I did not get any matches from my speed dating adventure. The following is a narrative about my experience. It's long, but I hope some (and I, in a few years) will find it informative and funny.Disclaimer: I make no judgments about people based on things they can't control, including, but not limited to, physical ability, race, sex, age, ethnic origin, or how little hair one has on one's head. I don't think attractive people are superior and ugly people are inferior, nor to I prefer the company of any one group over any other.But I am an observer providing information, and I believe, for this tale, the information needs to include details about ability, race, sex, age, ethnic origin, or how little hair has on one's head. I will also include some observations describing physical appearance. Readers must keep in mind that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. If I describe someone as pretty or handsome, that is my assessment. Regardless, my stating that some is pretty or ugly is simply an observation, not a value judgment.Here is an example of how I would describe myself if I were a stranger seeing me for the first time (OK, it's awkwardly worded; work with me here, people):At first glance, a rather striking-looking woman because she is tall and has thick, dark brown dreadlocks cascading well past her shoulders. Close up, though, she looks her age, her face is tired-looking, with a double chin and bags under her eyes, and she's fat. She has a nice smile, though, with great teeth.Ready?I put on my prettiest dress, rather than my uniform of jeans and tailored shirt, spray on Opium perfume, which makes me feel sexy, and I drive to a nearby suburb of the decaying mid-Atlantic metropolis I call home for a speed dating event. This event was for people ages 40-55; we each paid $35.(Fun facts: I am a 53-year-old black woman. The population of above-mentioned metropolis I live in is 66 percent black; the entire metro area, though, is 25 percent black.)I arrive at the designated restaurant, at which I had dined a few times before. After waiting more than half an hour at the bar, we were summoned and given name tags and a dating card, telling us which table to start at, and then which table to go to after each eight-minute "date." We also got cards on which we were to mark each "date's" name and what we wanted for afterward -- friend or second date or neither.I observed the others as they took their seats. There were about 20.There was one other black woman; no black men. The women were mostly ordinary-looking. The other black woman was taller than me and very thin. One woman had long red hair and looked fairly attractive. I was not the fattest woman there, which was something of a relief to me. Most of the women wore dresses or skirts.The men were all ordinary- or dumpy-looking. Only two were taller than me. Only one wore a tie. One was dressed in "Miami Vice" fashion, which made him look 20 years out of date. Some were slightly overweight, and most were in varying stages of hair loss.In other words, this was a typical crowd of middle-aged people from an urban area (except for the lack of racial diversity). I started to relax a little, because clearly, I was on the same level of physical attractiveness as the others.As I'm looking around, I saw one man -- OMG! He works in my office. And I work in a very small office -- only 20 people. How awkward is that?! So I walk over to me, greet him, and we get the awkwardness sort of out of the way. We were not put on a "date" during the evening, and chatted briefly during the break.The host sounded the bell, and speeding dating began.Bachelor #1: He was the one who wore the tie. He brought a plate of food to the table (chicken wings and cheese cubes were provided) and was eating as he talked to me. (Tip #1: Don't eat during speed dates. Eat before or after, but not during.)I had to pry info out of him, but he had done some interesting things, was widely traveled and had snorkeled in the Red Sea, something I long to do. I asked him one of the questions suggested by another speed dating site: "If you could talk to anyone in history, who would it be?" He said Alexander the Great. He finally asked me a question, the same one about anybody in history. (Tip #2: Pretend to be interested and ask questions during speed date. Don't make the other person do all the work.)Assessment: He could have been interesting, but didn't seem to be trying very hard. Maybe he just didn't like me. I marked him neither (not friend, not second date).Bachelor #2: This was the guy who apparently raided Don Johnson's "Miam Vice" wardrobe, down to the large gold medallion dangling round his neck. His cologne was nauseating me. He had semi-bad teeth. (Tip #3: Guys, take care your teeth. Brush, floss, see the dentist at least twice a year, get orthodontics or other work done if necessary. The first thing some women notice about a man is his smile, and if your teeth are stained and/or missing, your smile is just creepy.)He said this was his third try at speed dating, and he knew a couple of the women there. He said he viewed it as networking more than looking for Ms. Right. He said he went out dancing several nights a week, could do all kinds -- ballroom, disco, country, salsa -- and was entirely self-taught.I wondered aloud how a straight guy who dances so well could be lacking in dates. He said something about how women were threatened by his ability. I didn't quite understand. He was lively and animated, though, and I would love to be able to go out dancing with a man who could teach me new steps.Assessment: I marked him as second date.Bachelor #3: He has red hair, a pot belly, bad teeth that make whistling noises when he speaks. But he's very attentive, asks good questions, and seems impressed that I know about the technology he sells. I can see having good conversations with him.Assessment: I marked him as a second date.Bachelor #4: Short, thin guy with no personality. He talked at length about how a cat he adopted from a local animal rescue group gave him ringworm. (Tip #4: Do not talk about parasites on speed dates.) He asked me very few questions.Assessment: I marked him neither (not friend, not second date).Bachelor #5: A small man with bleached blond hair and no personality. He had a horse farm but did not ride. Had little to say, asked very few questions.Assessment: I marked him neither (not friend, not second date).Bachelor #6: Short, thin mustached man with the worst teeth yet. He had two packs of cigarettes in his breast pocket. Owned a small mechanical contracting business and liked flyfishing. Although he talked too much about his ex-wife, he laughed at my jokes and seemed interested. I thought we hit it off. After the whole speed dating event was over, he came up to me and said he had enjoyed talking with me. Despite my hesitancy to date a smoker, I was intrigued and hopeful.Assessment: I marked him as a second date.What was supposed to be a seventh date degenerated into confusion as the hosts had numbers on cards wrong. One man sat at my table, and rather than talk to me while things got straigthened out, immediately jumped back up and went to the other side of the room. I guess he really found me repulsive.Because of the continuing confusion, the speed dating ended there. We are all supposed to have eight dates, the host said, and because of the mixups, we would all get coupons via e-mail for another free speed dating event. It's been nearly a month, and I have not received said coupon.I left feeling hopeful. I felt I had done well and made a connection with at least one man. But checking the site later, I saw no one picked me for a second date.Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

2005-10-09 06:33:00 Back to overworking, overtraining

I went back to work full time exactly three weeks after undergoing abdominoplasty. The first few days were a little difficult -- my abs hurt while sitting upright for several hours, and I got tired fairly early in my shift. Now it's as if I was never out sick.

I've resumed my full cardio exercise regimen; I did two hours on four machines on Friday, and I took four step aerobics classes this week. I can also do some crunches, but I'm still weeks away from resuming Pilates and weightlifting.
I'll be seeing the plastic surgeon on Monday. I hope I'll be released from this binder I've had to wear cinching my waist.

My stomach looks awesome! The swelling has gone done, and it's nearly flat. It is a relief not to have sagging skin bumping my thighs in aerobics class or on the stationary bike. The size 18W jeans I was wearing before surgery at loose, although I can't fit into any size 16W just yet. A few people at the gym have remarked that I've lost more weight. One woman said my aura had changed.

This was a very positive decision for me. I had doubts about undergoing surgery mostly for vanity's sake, but the results are so outstanding that I'm already planning the next procedure -- arm lift and possibly breast reduction.

Kasey

aka Jane Skye So

---Notes---

2005-11-02 17:05:42 SherylM
You may not remember me, but I used to read you about 4 years ago. I left MDD and went to xanga, but come back occasionally to see how people are doing. It sounds like you have really made some positive changes in your life! Good luck!

---End notes---

Diary Backup Part 5

2007-03-30T19:51:00.000-07:00

20:22:14 So much still to learn

My motto: I have seen everything, and I have seen nothing. One of my favorite things about MDD is I get a peek into other's lives, lives that I would never have a chance to know about otherwise. This is extremely important to me as I age. I don't want to be one of those middle-aged people who thinks she has seen it all and therefore as formed the right opinions. And one of the most valuable lessons I have learned in reading other diaries is that things are very seldom clearcut, black or white, up or down, 100 percent right or 100 percent wrong. Life is complicated. I hope I have contributed to the expansion of knowledge of my readers, as well. I hope I have opened the minds of a few people who don't know any atheists, and shown them that one can live a highly moral, deeply righteous life with strong values that are not derived from belief in a supreme being. It was through Debbs' diary that I became acquainted with Daisymarie's diary. There is much vicious discourse in the comments section of Daisymarie's postings. I always welcome spirited debate based on facts and well-thought-out opinions. I relish to chance to see how others view the same words that I view. I value the insight of people who have dealt with similar situations. And I applaud the braveness of people who have survived horrid situations, and are willing to share their stories with others. I am discouraged by people who mistake name-calling for discourse, who sit in judgment, and who do not believe in forgiveness or the unwavering support of someone you love. And I will continue to say as I have said in these pages many times before: People who post anonymously are cowards. Daisymarie's situation evokes strong emotion. I understand that those who have been hurt by actions like the ones that have landed her in jail feel anger, betrayal, confusion, disgust, revulsion. I understand how furious they must be that this woman, who admits to committing sexual battery on a teen-ager, can have a supportive family, loving friends, and fans of her diary. I take that back. I can't understand what seems to me to be a blanket, everlasting condemnation of anyone who commits this heinous act. Witness, one cowardly posting: she can burn in hell with satan!!!! Yeah, that will raise the level of discourse and help people understand complex issues. Let me tackle the issues. 1) Daisymarie is a convicted child molester. No argument there. She has admitted as such, pleaded guilty and is serving her sentence. 2) Such people should be shunned forever by civilized society. That's a tough one. It dismisses the notion of forgiveness, which most organized religions preach. It also runs counter society's allowance for second chances, rehabilitation, in paying one's debt to society and being allowed a fresh start. I cannot blame anyone who chooses to have nothing to do with Daisymarie. One commenter, a woman confident enough in her beliefs to post her diary name rather than cower under the cloak of anonymous posting IDs, asks if anyone would leave their children alone with Daisymarie. A excellent question, and while I don't have children, I think anyone would have to be nuts to allow their children near Daisymarie or anyone else convicted of this crime. This is not to be interpreted that I believe Daisymarie will repeat her crime. I don't. Which is why I have such a problem with the "burn in hell" brigade. 3) Such people should be abandoned by their family and friends. I cannot go along with that. I firmly believe in hating the sin, loving the sinner. Being a friend means not turning your back on her even when she's done something horrible. You can't pick your family, but I hope that making a big, horrible mistake is not grounds for withdrawing the love of a parent, a spouse, a sibling, a child. This does not mean that some people don't deserve to be abandoned by family and friends. If someone you love repeatedly fucks up, despite being forgiven and helped, at some point the only safe thing to do is cut them off. 4) Daisymarie has no right to feel happy, safe, loved, productive. She has no right to have fans of her diary or her writings. She has no right to anything good, ever. Again, such an extreme position is born from emotion, not facts or reality. Anyone who doesn't like the fact that she has a diary here need not read it. Anyone who thinks her fans are misguided, again, don't read what her fans write. But some of her comments seem to want Daisymarie to be locked in a cage with no contact from anyone except her jailers, to have no comfort, no pleasure, no love, for the rest of her life. That won't happen, and the anger of these people will continue to hurt them a lot more than Daisymarie. 5) Daisymarie's supporters are blinded by her articulate writing and high education level. I cannot speak for anyone else. I will say that no matter how well someone writes or speaks, I always can see bullshit for what it is. That fact that I admire someone's ability to string words together does not mean that I ignore everything else, good or bad, about her. 6) If Daisymarie were a man, her supporters would not be as sympathetic toward her. I agree 100 percent. I consider myself a fan and supporter, and I'm not proud of the fact that I view Daisymarie differently than a man in a similar situation. That's how I feel, and I fully accept that it is illogical and sexist. I consider myself to be a hard-core feminist, and I have always believed that with equal rights comes equal responsibility and accountability. I can offer no logical explanation for why I feel this way about Daisymarie. 7) Daisymarie is not contrite and has not accepted full responsibility for her crime. That appears to be correct. She continues to behave like the typical child molester in that she blames the victim a lot more than she blames herslef. I firmly believe that adults have the responsibility to act like adults, not matter how sexually aware, how street-smart, how manipulative, no matter how needy, no matter how damaged the child might be. Sex with a child is ALWAYS wrong. It is NEVER the child's fault. Because the girl involved is a teen-ager, nearly an adult, the lines might be blurred. Too bad. Having sex with a child is wrong, Daisymarie knew it was wrong. She has conveniently left out many details that would help me and other readers understand the situation fully. She has not detailed the nature of the abuse, the situations under which it happened, what exactly happened (are we talking a kiss, fondling, oral sex?) how many times it happened (once for 10 seconds, several times for full-fledged sex, or what?)how long it went on. Daisymarie made this statement early in her diary: I have had one other relationship with a female. In a later posting, she said that "relationship" was with the teen-ager girl she admitted to molesting. This troubles me greatly. Bottom line: I think Daisymarie is a good person with a lot to offer who until recently led a life I would be proud of. But she did something horrible, and hurt many people. She and only she is to blame for that, and she needs to get her head around that concept before she can once again become the person she was, and then a better person. Daisymarie is being punished according to the laws of our society. I can ask no more. When she has paid her debt to society, I wish her success in rebuilding her life, her family and her career. Some people will always shun her, and that is their right. Everyone should keep their children, especially teen-agers, away from her. There are many jobs that she, quite rightly, will not be allowed to hold. I will not join with those who want Daisymarie destroyed, punished horribly for the rest of her life. Our laws don't allow for this; life in prison was not an option afforded to those charged with judging and punishing Daisymarie. I will continue to read her diary, and I will offer her support if she seeks it from me. I welcome, indeed, look forward to debate and disagreement. Understand this: I do not acknowledge anonymous comments or posts that call names or invoke eternal damnation. No exceptions will be made. I stand behind my words. I am not ashamed or embarrassed by anything I've written here. I have nothing to hide. I will NEVER hide conceal my identity when I have something to say. Kasey Jones (aka Jane Skye So)5418 Biddison AveBaltimore Md 21206kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2002-02-19 01:24:43 debbs2
WOW you seem to have really given this some thought. I wish I could be as clear on my thoughts. I too would have a problem DM was a male. I am one of the "nuts" that would leave my child (if I had one) in the unsupervised care of DM. I wish I could understand how I could feel this way. If you have any further thoughts on this I would appreciate your input. You can email them to me if you would prefer. I am so confused by this right now...and am seeking answers for myself. Thanks, my friend. debbsdebbs@hotmail.com

2002-02-19 10:11:28 Asteri
Wow :) You're such a brilliant woman.

2002-02-19 10:47:05 Emerald Dragon
As always I admire your courage and conviction to to say what you feel. I agree 100 percent about if you can say it - you should be proud - after all - it is your own though or opinion.

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2002-02-20 21:31:46 Latest updates

Got note from doctor saying my cholesterol is 270 and I need to start taking medication to lower it. My blood sugar is also very high -- prediabetic. That I can reduce with weight loss and exercise. She hasn't suggested medication yet. I've got to get it under control; both my paternal grandparents died of diabetes complications before they were 55. My mother's two brothers lost sight and limbs to the disease. Sure hope my next potential job doesn't require an extensive physical. Man, middle age sucks! Still have mammogram and Electromyogram (EMG) and Nerve Conduction tests before I see my doc again near end of March. Met with stockbroker on Tuesday. Just need a simple form to rollover my 401(k). Will invest buyout money in cash. 401(k) money will stay in same investments as now until early 2003, when, it is hoped, I will have another job and another 401(k). Met with lawyer today. She said employer cannot require me to waive right to seek worker's compensation. So wrist problem will be taken care of, one way or the other. She also pointed out that I will be allowed to put the max into my 401(k) from the buyout. That will ease my considerable tax burden for 2002. Plans are already under way for big going-away bash. Ann and I have booked a duckpin bowling alley for a Saturday night in April. We will have the place to ourselves (at least 100 of my closest friends) and can bring our own food and bowl as much as we like. Sounds like a raucous good time. I promise to take pictures and post them. kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2002-02-22 15:21:18 Freedoms Wings
I really enjoyed your last two entries. I hope all goes well with the bash. I'm rooting for you.

---End notes---

2002-02-26 17:11:06 Taking shape and getting real

things are rolling along merrily. got projections about my three pensions. (Don't ask why I have three with one company.) starting at age 55, and ending when i start collecting social security, I will get about $284 a month. woo woo! Monte Carlo, here I come.i'll petition to get the smallest pension, which would pay me $11.88 a month, in a lump sum so i can roll it over into an IRA. i will get to put the max this year into the 401(k). Plus, my beneficient employer will kick in another three percent.i am having NO luck in finding ways to cut my expenses in preparation for paycheck-less times ahead. By paying off my last credit card debt, I will shave $350 a month from my expenses, but I will also have spent nearly a third of the buyout money. I just got notice that my car insurance is going up 12 percent because of a fender-bender I had in late October.The house needs a lot of little things done in the spring -- fix gutter guards, repair short-out lights, trim back holly bush, evergreen and back yard bushes.And I hope to take two road trips, one south to North Carolina and then north to Toronto, and a second one to Milwaukee by way of Pittsburgh and Cleveland. Plus day trips to visit friends in neighboring states. And baseball games, and the theater.I will be selling two of my three desktop computers. I already have a buyer for one. I'll use the computer sale money to buy a treadmill. Gotta start exercising. One way to reduce me and my expenses is to do my own cooking instead of getting carryout, fast food and pizza. With spring coming, I can cook and feast on fresh veggies and fruit. And yes, I'll have to cut back on the daily trip to Starbucks and the daily duo Dove bars.Now, I'm just eager for it to start, which will be in 45 days. ***************************************Wayne and I went to Carraba's for dinner Sunday night. We both stuffed ourselves. We did some work around each other's homes (he's setting up a darkroom) and talked for several hours. Wayne is very glad I'm getting away from prick boy and taking time to heal body and soul.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2002-02-26 21:20:19 Asteri
I'm sure you'll do great. :)

2002-02-27 13:21:13 Emerald Dragon
so glad to hear that things are movinf sow ell for you. I also agree that it will allow your mind and soul to soar free when you fly the coop on Calvert Street.

---End notes---

2002-03-03 21:40:10 Weekend fun

yippie, we have rain! i even heard the sump pump, so we must have gotten a good amount. hope this eases the drought a little. motored to the Lyric Opera House to see "tommy" on Saturday. the Lyric has the tiniest, most uncomfortable seats in the area. Luckily, the house was not full, so i moved so i had an empty seat on each side. during intermission, i tormented the orchestra in the pit. the show itself was only kinda good. i hated the second act -- it bore no resemblance to pete townsend's conception. one had no idea why the crowd turned against tommy, and the end was all syrupy and fake sentiment about how family is what's really important. good performances by young tommy (it was the understudy; child labor laws prohibit kids working matinee and evening performance on same day); cousin kevin; and the swing performers who did rev. simpson, pinball lads and the hawker. mediocre performances by tommy and mrs. walker. and i was ready to hurl rotten fruit at the acid queen. i guess once you've seen tina turner's interpretation, nothing else comes close. next up: "the best little whorehouse in texas," with ann-margret and gary sandy. after the show, i dashed to eddie's, got buffalo chicken wraps and ham-potato salad for the party a going-away party for two co-workers, who have been at the Nightmare on Calvert Street for 28 and 24 years respectively, and who took buyouts. ann arrives, curlers still in her hair, and we proceed to get lost in the pouring rain on the east side. ann likes to make illegal u-turns. we finally arrive at the steelworkers hall, ann removes curlers and we carry food and stuff in. the hall is full of former and current sun people, many of whom i've not seen in a year and some for several years. one left the sun 10 years ago, freelanced, went to law school, worked in law for a few years, got burned out, spent a year writting a book, and married and has two children. whew! advice i got from the dearly departed: shower every day get a job at one of the universities; benefits are great, including free tuition take a break; don't dive into job hunting right away don't change careers in your early 40s (this from a 45-year-old who thought i was younger than she) cooking sucks as a career choice (this from my twin, karen warmkessel, who took a buyout several years ago to try her hand at being a chef; after working in several restaurants, she recently got a job doing public relations at a local hospital) there is life after the sun i ate at the party -- jambalaya, brownies, sugared nuts. (not the most balanced meal, but semi-nutritious and very filling). ann and i careened home about 10 p.m. next up: another co-worker's farewell bash. i'm driving this time.*********************************** on friday, i had lunch with bill a sports writer; molly, departed last year as sports editor; and elaine, the sports department secretary. bill bought us lunch at capt. harvey's, where he used to hang out so frequently that the sports editors still have that number listed to call him when they have questions on bill's stories. bill had a stroke while covering a basketball game 18 months ago. he was 46, a year younger than me. this was the first time i had seen him since then, although i had talked with bill on the phone many times since he was stricken. bill has not regained full use of his right side. he can walk and move very slowly. he has lost about 50 pounds, and he was not a heavy man before. his appetite is good but he has trouble using utensils. his mind is sharp, although he has the problem common to stroke patients in which he sometimes speaks too loudly. he also gets emotional very easily, and brushed away tears twice during our two-hour lunch. he writes on a company laptop from home. bill can't drive yet, so he does interviews by phone and gets info via e-mail. he said he long ago ran out of sick leave, but the executive editor has said the sun will do whatever needs to be done to accomodate him and his recovery. that gives me the biggest pause in considering my departure. even with all the sick leave i took in the last year, i never came near running out of accumulated time. but i knew even if i did, i wouldn't have to worry about getting paid. i doubt many other employers will be that generous. anyway, molly is getting teacher certification to teach english as a second language. she described how desperate public education is for K-12: anyone with a bachelor's degree can walk into a public school and be doing substitute teaching the next day. never mind that you've never taken a single education course or never taught in your life. and many school systems will pay you to teach and pay your tuition to get certification. of course, the pay is abysmal. a full-time teacher starting out will make about $10,000 a year. that is a crime. despite this, molly seemed relaxed and happy. she, too, said there is life after the sun.**************************************** my sleep problems continue. what little sleep i get is punctuated with nightmares. thursday night i dreamed i was in a building that was under attack by maruading forces. there was machine gun fire; hand grenades and other assorted violence. i spent the whole dream running around the building trying to escape the attackers. i guess one doesn't have to be sigmund freud to know that this means i feel i'm trapped in a desperate situation and trying, but not finding, a way out. i also got a killer leg cramp; it was so bad it injured my calf muscle and i feel it with every step. i also have been getting severe headaches during the night. that's part of the sleep apnea. on my ever-growing to-do list when i'm on sabbatical, i'm going to go back to the sleep clinic and see if i can't get the CPAP machine working for me. dr. marburg knows one of the experts there, so maybe i'll get better care than i have in the past. on the plus side, my right hand, arm and wrist haven't been hurting nearly as much. Just 39 days to go!kasey@byteme.com

2002-03-04 21:16:05 Elder care

(Much of the information below comes from http://www.spinalstenosis.org.)My mother, who is 76, suffers from lumbar spinal stenosis. It is a common illness of old age; symptoms most commonly appear after age 60. Mom was diagnosed about a year ago; since then she has deteriorated quite rapidly, which is not typical of the condition.Her symptoms include: Symptoms include:Dull to severe aching pain in the lower back or buttocks that develops with walking. Pain radiates into one or both thighs and legs. Symptoms relieved by bending forward, sitting or lying down. My mother has been through all the conservative treatment options: Orthosis and Controlled Physical Activity; Physical Therapy; Non-steroidal anti-inflammatory medications, such as ibuprofen, aspirin, acetaminophen and naproxen; and Epidural Injections. all provided only temporary relief.Surgery is clearly indicated for someone with her degree of disability: disabling back and leg pain and significant limitations in walking.The most common surgical procedure for stenosis is a decompressive laminectomy. Often referred to as 'unroofing' the spine, this procedure involves the removal of the lamina as well as the attached ligaments that cause compression of the spinal sac and nerve roots, and the removal of hypertrophic facet capsules and osteophytes, uncinate spurs, and protruding disc material such that the nerves are free from compression.Success rate of the surgery is about 65 percent to 75 percent. This is difficult to measure, because the procedure is performed to improve quality of life, and that is quite subjective.A 1985 study showed a six-week mortality rate of this surgery at .8 percent. Morbidity includes the usual surgical risks, plus the danger of doing further damage to the spine. Risks increase for the elderly.Mom only hears the downside. She has greatly exaggerated the mortality rate in her mind, and at this point is refusing to consider surgery. This also is quite common. There is an average of four years time between when a patient is diagnosed with spinal stenosis and when they undergo surgery. Mom has deteriorated much more quickly than average, however.When my mother gets like this, there is no reasoning with her. Frankly, I can't blame her hesitation. I just wish she would get the facts and HEAR them. She has tried all conservative treatment. She is NOT going to get better without surgery. The longer she waits, the older and more frail she will be, and therefore, more likely to have a poor outcome.She cannot walk more than 30 feet without sitting down to relieve severe back and leg pain. She refuses to let me buy her a wheelchair or one of those scooters, but she needs to borrow one whenever she goes to the theater or airport. She's talking about moving from her house into an apartment at her retirement village, because it's too far to walk to the dining hall.I guess bottom line, this is not my problem. I worry because I live so close to her, and talk with her nearly every day. But she will make her own decisions.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2002-03-11 09:01:56 Freedoms Wings
It's pretty natural to worry even if it's not your problem.

---End notes---

2002-03-11 20:16:56 Sorry I haven't written lately

who would have thought that quitting a job would be so time-consuming?it's less than five weeks to the end of my sentence at the Nightmare on Calvert Street. so far, the time has been a whirlwind of doctor's appointments, meetings with lawyers and accountants, going-away parties (i'm the last one to leave in this round of buyouts, but far from the only one), "career transition" workshops, phone tag with human resources and the administrator of my pension plans and 401(k), selling no-longer-needed computers, buying the latest and greatest gear, getting leads on jobs, contacting friends, buying clothes i can wear on job interviews, and arranging for the big going-away-duckpin-Iron-Chef bash.and i still have a household to run, a house that needs spring cleaning and several minor, but annoying, repairs, and a disabled mom to look after.And, oh yeah, I still have a job to do. the users do not care that i'm leaving; most of them are too self-absorbed to notice. wait till they find out the company will not refill my position and there will be NO ONE to provide tech support at night. teehee.On Saturday night, I drove three counties away to a going-away party for a colleague. On Sunday morning, I drove to a neighboring state to have lunch with two long-departed colleagues. One works at the evil paper down the road, and says that there are part-time openings. I shall look into that later -- much later. Right now, I'm run so ragged I can't get a decent night's sleep.this week, it's torture time as i allow doctors at a world-renowned medical institution to stick electrodes into my aching right wrist to test for nerve damage. last week, it was eyeball-fondling time with the eye doctor, and next week, it's a mammogram. i've spent more time at doctors' offices this month than in all of 2001.once again, i've fallen behind on my favs here at MDD. i apologize; once i'm unemployed, i'll get caught up.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2002-03-11 21:49:16 peacemaker
congratulations on your decision! Hope the transition is an easy one for you! How will it be with W-2 ?

2002-03-11 22:44:17 solo
Geeze I need a rest just reading about all that! Hope it all works out for you.

2002-03-12 14:56:19 Asteri
May be I'm wrong, but I kind of felt you 'happy' while writing this last entry. I think it's good you're busy doing all that stuff. I wish lots of health for your mother and strenght to you. Take a lot of care dear...

2002-03-12 21:39:47 Freedoms Wings
Hi!

---End notes---

2002-03-17 17:32:35 Best care anywhere

I'm driving around the huge, inner-city campus that is The Johns Hopkins Medical Institutions. More than the world-renowned Johns Hopkins Hospital, more than the near-Ivy League Johns Hopkins University, Hopkins' fingers inflitrate many parts of this decaying city. Hopkins is a blessing and a curse to this metropolis. Once I've found a space in one of dozens of nearly full parking garages, I make my way toward the oupatient clinic. I've been here many times before. I've had major and minor surgery here, and numerous consults. I was also here shuttling my ailing dad to appointments after he had a stroke, and when he was diagnosed with kidney cancer. I always imagined Dad would die here, after being admitted through the ER in cardiac distress. He didn't; he died at his home in his sleep. Despite my familiarity with Hopkins, I don't take it for granted. Every time I walk in, I am taken by a sense of awe, by a sense of entering hallowed halls, almost a holy, reverent place. So much says: This is the big time. This is the show. The best and the brightest, the latest and greatest, the cutting edge and beyond of medical care and research, go on right here. No expense is spared, nothing but the best, the highest quality, the most talented, hardworking, and yes, egotistical physicians parade through these halls. The best care anywhere. Yes, people die here. No matter what, people will always die. Yes, sometimes people leave here in worse shape than they came in. That will always happen, and often, that is the price of research. And, sometimes, Hopkins stumbles. Malpractice is committed. This medical mecca is far from perfect. The outpatient lobby has the look of a hotel lobby. A sign points to guest services. Not patient services; guest services. Arrangements can be made at guest services for hotel rooms, rental cars. I see two limosines parked just outside. I see people wearing expensive clothes, expensive jewelry. Another sign in a dozen languages advises how to get someone who speaks your language. I hear Spanish, French, Italian, Arabic, and Indian dialects spoken. I see people in their native garb. I hear a dozen variations of English accents. I hear the crisp, exact speech patterns of the upper class, the wealthy, the educated. The seriously ill come from all over the world to get treated at Hopkins. People travel thousands of miles and pay untold amounts of money for the privelege of getting treatment, of getting cured, getting a miracle. It is Lourdes. It's in my backyard. I get treated here for the price of my HMO premiums. This middle-class woman with the aching wrist gets the best. I am one lucky patient.************************** Having a world-class medical institution is something every city wants. And believe me, the benefits are tremendous. But a price is exacted, as well. Hopkins bought up hundreds of rowhouses around the hospital, wanting to have land to expand. There has been much expansion and new construction, but far less than Hopkins bought the properties for. So the houses sit, boarded up, attracting vagrants, drug addicts and other miscreants. It is a terrible irony that this top-notch institution is in one of the worst areas of the city. This is Hopkins' own doing. And while I am thrilled to get treatment at Hopkins, it's not all pleasant being treated at a research-teaching hospital. Nothing is done alone. Your doctor is usually accompanied by at least one intern or resident. You'll be asked several times if you want to take part in any number of studies going on dealing with your health issue. If you're an inpatient, you will be visited, questioned and examined several times at day by armies of residents, interns and students, trailing after a senior attending who holds court in your hospital room. It is very easy to feel like a lab rat under these conditions.************************* For all the glitz, the spare-no-expense lobby art, the influx of well-heeled patients, this is still a medical facility. And because of its reputation, the sickest of the sick are here. My appointment is in neurology. I will have a series of nerve conduction tests on my right wrist. Carpal tunnel syndrome is suspected; truly no big deal. In the waiting area are people in various stages of neurological distress. One patient is tilted at a nearly 90-degree angle at the waist, in his wheelchair, while his family member chatters inanely. People unable to move their legs, arms, or mouths, sit morosely. Another, who I later overhear has traveled from four hours away and has recently been diagnosed with ALS, sits, still seemingly in shock over what awaits him. It's the children, however, who are heartbreaking. Imagine being a parent, having watched in terror as your child develops some neurological condition that your local pediatrician cannot deal with. Now you're miles away from home, your last best hope, wishing for a miracle for your kid. Talk about hell on Earth. A multi-pierced, gay-as-an-Easter-bonnet technician calls me and leads me through the labrynith of exam rooms. A woman in traditional Hindu garb passes, carrying her daughter, who looks just like a little doll. Over the next hour, I get electroconductors attached to my wrist, and pins stuck in me, and endure shocks of varying degrees. First the technician does the tests, then the resident does further tests. They talk easily to me. I suspect it must be a relief to have a non-seriously ill patient sometimes. I wonder how a doctor tells a parent that her child has muscular dystrophy. Or tells a 40-something baseball fan that, tragically, he has something in common with Lou Gehrig. I leave, diagnosis of arthritis tucked away in my pocket. I am grateful for so much. kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2002-03-18 19:02:46 peacemaker
girl you are a good patient! ..I came across a young black journalism student at mdd and gave her the web address of the group you have mentioned.. How is W2?

---End notes---

2002-03-18 21:10:55 Am I there yet?

The final four weeks are here. One month from today, I will wake up and not have to go to the Nightmare on Calvert Street for the first time in 17 years. Tuesday at 5 p.m. is the deadline for me to rescind my request for the buyout. I won't, and it is full speed ahead. One more screening -- a mammogram -- and I'll be done with all medical tests. Of course, then I'll have to learn how to live with arthritis, and start taking cholesterol-lowering medication. I spent the weekend delivering and installing my two surplus desktop computers. I have more space in my house, and $875 in my pocket. I figure one desktop and one laptop are plenty, even for geek girl. Peace, you asked how things would change between Wayne and me after I quit. While we won't talk every day like we do at work, I expect we'll still be close. I hope to keep up on company gossip for a while, and we'll still hang out. I asked Wayne more than 18 months ago, when he was threatening to quit, if we would still be friends even if we didn't have work in common. "We barely have work in common now," he said, meaning our conversations and friendship are based on much more than a common job. I think we have the potential for a more relaxed friendship. I won't have to be comforted, consoled and supported, like I was under prick boy's thumb. Everything won't be in crisis mode. But I'm working very hard at not thinking too far ahead, trying not to have every step of my life planned. This is an adventure, and the fun (and scary) part is not knowing what awaits me. I'm walking a tightrope without a net. It's more important to look ahead, not down.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2002-03-18 21:35:34 Asteri
Enjoy this last month. :)

---End notes---

2002-03-21 21:40:42 Update update

my head is spinning, there is so much going on. Just 22 more days. I'll need at least the next seven to sleep. I am in danger of working myself into exhaustion just before I quit working. how ironic.as i wrote in the hopkins entry, apparently i have arthritis, not carpal tunnel syndrome. I still need treatment and accomodation; it's just that I can no longer blame my beneficient employer for maiming me. I hope to meet with my primary care provider next month to scope out treatment options. Right now I just want some heavy-duty pain relievers. Advil is no longer having much effect.I had mammograms on Wednesday. It took 90 minutes because I, ahem, have so much real estate to cover. The radiologist talked with me after and said while she sees no sign of cancer, she wants me to resume the twice-yearly mammogram schedule instead of annually. She wants to continue to carefully watch the calcifications in my right breast. This happens every time a new radiologist looks at my films.Received an invitation to a reunion of my high school class and others on june 8. my high school no longer exists, but the elementary school does, as does the church. Father K, the priest who taught my chemistry class and who might have performed my marriage ceremony to the rat bastard (no, i don't remember much of that day; it was 30 years ago, fer crissakes!) will offer the mass prior to the reunion. I'll probably go, if only to proof that I can withstand the stares that will come went people realize that this 300 woman was once the co-captain of the cheerleaders and considered to be one of the prettiest girls in school.Gonna devote my efforts to decluttering the lovely abode. will sell some cables, software and my APS camera equipment on eBay. have bought a digital camera and a film camera. will clean off patio and move comfy chair there so I can lounge and enjoy the view in the spring/summer/fall. relaxation will replace workworkwork as my lifestyle keyword. kasey@byteme.com

2002-03-22 20:13:23 Strange thing, mystifying

I wrote in the previous entry about receiving a formal invitation to a reunion at my high school. It's been 32 years since I graduated from St. Anthony of Padua High School, a desperately poor Catholic institution in the 'hood in Washington, D.C. Its faculty was staffed with Benedictine nuns and priests.When I attended, the school had the distinction of being the only co-educational Catholic high school in the city. I attended high school with boys. I will remain forever grateful for that.St. Anthony was a basketball powerhouse when I attended. John Thompson, who later went on to create a college basketball dynasty at Georgetown University, coached there for free.Otherwise, little St. Anthony was an ordinary school, struggling amid rapid, often violent social changes in that marked the 1960s.In the early 1990s, St. Anthony became an all-girls school and its name was changed to All Saints High School. Five years later, the archdiocese of Washington closed the high school. The elementary school remains.My brother and I attended St. Anthony from first grade through high school. I have some happy, and many painful memories of those 12 years. I have blocked many memories out.So I didn't think much about St. Anthony for years. Yesterday, I get an invitation to a reunion.So it is a horrible coincidence that my mother phones me this morning so say my poor little high school is mentioned in a front-page story in Friday's Washington Post.One Monsignor Dillard, pastor of the oldest black Catholic parish in The District, was suspended from his post after two women, who are siblings and are now in their 30s, said Dillard engaged in sexual misconduct with two teen-age girls more than 20 years ago.From 1979 to 1984, the women allege, Dillard had inappropriate, physical relationships with the girls, starting when the oldest was 14.The incidents occurred when Dillard was a priest at St. Anthony.You can read the gory details at www.washingtonpost.com.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2002-03-26 20:28:21 Freedoms Wings
Wow! That really sucks.

---End notes---

2002-03-26 22:08:51 Another list

courtesy of sheseemssweet1. Name three good things about yourself...a) i'm smartb) i'm funnyc) i'm kind2. Name three bad things about yourself...a) i'm a know-it-allb) i'm sarcasticc) i give too freely to unworthy people3. Name three things you can do, or have done, that most people can't...a) went to college full time while working full timeb) communicate with computersc) gone without sex for 20 years4. Name three emotions you feel most often...a) sadnessb) disappointmentc) despair5. Name three people that have helped you to become a better person...a) my fatherb) my motherc) Rosa Parks6. Name three people (or groups, things, etc.) that you feel are worthy of praise and honor...a) Passengers on UAL Flight 93b) firefightersc) schoolteachers7. Name three works of art (books, songs, movies, etc.) that have changed you...a) "The Raven" by Edgar Allan Poeb) Book of Revelationsc) "Othello"8. Name three things you would buy if you won the lottery...(I'm assuming this means a jackpot of at least $1 million. I won $40 in the lottery last week, and I bought myself and a friend dinner at a nice restaurant)a) beachfront property on Oahub) build custom house on beachfront property in Oahuc) bi-monthly first-class air tickets to mainland9. Name three places you would like to go on vacation...a) Copenhaganb) Tahitic) New York City10. Name three jobs or careers you would like to have (assuming money, education, family, etc. were not an obstacle)...a) Forensic pathologist b) Computer crime federal agentc) Broadway singer/dancer11. Name three famous people, past or present, that interest you...a) Harriet Tubmanb) Sojourner Truthc) Eva Peron12. Name three things you would say to someone seeking your advice...a) Get as much formal education as you can.b) Learn the difference between a career and a job.c) Have fun.13. Name three headlines you will never see in the newspaper.a) U.S. executes wealthy white manb) Lasting peace achieved in Middle Eastc) Tax code simplifed to one page14. Name three causes to which you might devote your life...a) getting laidb) finding lovec) getting laid15. Name three things you believe with all your heart.a) No man will ever move me as I want to be loved.b) There is no supreme being.c) Existence and events are mostly random, i.e., there is no "meaning" of life.kasey@byteme.com

2002-04-01 21:59:26 Less than two weeks left

I will go to the office and work just seven more times. I have been swamped with stuff. Tuesday and Wednesday, I must spend all day at a career transition workshop. I've sent electronic invitations to more than 200 people to my going away party. RSVPs are dribbling in. I've been doing furious spring cleaning; i have four bags full of stuff to go to Goodwill.Wayne came over today to help move furniture. I turned my former second office into a reading room. I moved all computer stuff into my main office, which I can close the door to and cut off all view of work. I cleared off much of the patio; still have to have the maid service vacuum the floor and clean the windows. Put three birdfeeders just outside so the cats and I can see fine feathered friends.still have to buy treadmill and electric barbecue grill.Did my taxes; got estimates of how much I'll have to pay for 2002, given the buyout payoff. It won't be pretty; it'll take about 20 weeks pay. bummer. Got e-mail from Yale. They did not get my transcript from one college. I sent an e-mail copy, with hard copy to arrive the middle of next week. I hope that will do. I had pretty much written the Yale fellowship off. Now it seems I'm still in the running for the law school fellowship.been working on farewell speech for office. Am trying to strike right tone between Halle Berry's Oscar speech, and my saying "kiss my black ass!"i'll need my first two weeks off just to sleep. i can't believe how much i've done, and still has to be done.

---Notes---

2002-04-01 22:16:37 Tyche
Wow. You have really got it together! I'm so inspired by you! Yay on only seven more days!!

2002-04-02 05:54:40 peacemaker
I'm impressed! Keep up the good work and maintain that positive attitude. You are carefully laying out the blueprint for success. Way to go!!!

2002-04-02 07:28:14 debbs2
Hey there!!! You really have had a busy schedule huh? That 2 weeks of sleep sounds like it will be much earned. I hope you will make a copy of your speech one of your entries.

---End notes---

2002-04-05 01:23:42 Nonstop

Where does the time go, and why is is going so slowly? I can't wait for my last day at work; I can't wait to get on with my new life. It's a week from today, but it seems months away. Yet, I've been pressed for time. So much to do. I spent two full working days at the career transition workshop with 6 1/2 other former and soon-to-be-former co-workers (one guy attended the first day, but not the second). I learned to disregard requests in want ads, such as no calls. I must follow up with a phone call on every resume I send out. I was grateful for the resume rewriting and tips on cover letters. And I guess I needed a kick in the butt to get out and start beating the bushes for a new job. The seminar made it sound like I have to corner everyone I know, and everyone they know, in my quest for a job. This is called networking; sounds more like harassment. Still, I'm going give it a whirl, though not as intensely as the seminar recommends (it suggests at least two 30-minute "networking" meetings a week). I'm going to attend three national minority journalist conventions (two are in San Diego, a city I've longed to visit) and a regional meeting next month. Gotta get my name out there again. But I also need to remember that I need to rest for a while. As eager as I am to plunge into the job hunt, I must chill, get some sleep, get back to exercising, cooking and eating right, reading and visiting friends. I've been getting the house in order. My home office is the neatest and most organized it's ever been. I have a new, cozy reading area in the living area. I must tackle the patio next; gotta get snow melt, lawn and garden implements, and my burgeoning collection of briefcases and purses off the patio and in the basement or Goodwill where they belong. But I'm far from done. I have stuff to photograph, list, sell and ship on eBay; I have to hook up my DVD player; I have to hire someone to beat my yard into shape; I have a party to plan, and another to attend; I have to start hauling my stuff from the office and back home. The AME gave me permission to take my specially ordered chair. I PROMISE to get caught up on everybody's diary once my sabbatical begins. I apologize for neglecting you for so long, but this has been a hectic time. kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2002-04-05 08:54:04 debbs2
Dont you even THINK about neglecting anybody here...You have MORE than enough to do to take care of yourself, and it sounds like you are doing a good job of that. This is such an exciting time for you. I cant imagine thinking that I had a whole new career waiting for me out there. Your energy sounds awesome. Have fun.

2002-04-05 10:01:44 Tyche
I'm amazed you update as much as you do, with everything going on. Though I admit I'm selfish, I love hearing about everything!! I think when the right job comes along, everything will fall into place. You will meet the people you need to meet, and it will be at the right time. It sounds like you're doing all the right things.

2002-04-05 17:48:51 Freedoms Wings
Girlfriend take your time. You are a busy woman. We'll still be here.

2002-04-05 23:18:10 peacemaker
hey we are going through parrallel shifts in career. You had some say about yours though. I am in the same process.

---End notes---

2002-04-09 19:39:11 Going, going ...

Just three more working days. I'm hauling personal stuff home (peace, my stuff will take less than 5 boxes), saying goodbye to people outside of the newsroom, and procrastinating doing laundry and other housework.I cannot sleep. Daylight savings time, and increasing, earlier sunlight, always wreaks havoc with my biorhythms. So I write cover letters and send out resumes in the middle of the night.My first job interview is set for next week. It's a place I had not thought of before, but the job sounds exciting and perfect for me. Gotta take a two-hour test for general knowledge and writing style. I'm glad for the chance to get back into the interviewing mode; it's been so long since I've had to look for work. I hope I can maintain the proper upbeat, positive attitude; I hope wearing pantyhose won't make me cranky and forgetful.I know that some (Wayne and my shrink, specifically) don't want me to start job hunting so soon. But so much of getting a job is simply one's resume landing on the recruiter's desk at the exact time that an opening occurs, and that is what happened. Sent my resume via e-mail to the corporate HQ late Sunday, and first thing Tuesday, the local office is calling me, wanting me to come in ASAP. I put them off for a week (I'm way too distracted these last few days at Calvert Street to do well on a test, plus i need time to become re-acquainted with formal newspaper style quirks) but they do seem hot for me.Wednesday is Wayne's birthday. If I can drag my lazy, sleep-deprived ass out of bed in time, I'll stop at the bakery before work and get him a cake. After Saturday, he's on vacation for two and a half weeks; he will be out of town for most of that time.Wayne wants us to do a museum visit on Sunday. Sounds nice; there are a few exhibits around that I've been intending to see. With myself newly liberated, I must start doing all the things I didn't have time for while I was working.In other news, my brother and his live-in girlfriend of four years announced their engagement. They'll get married in the fall; no date or place have been decided yet.Stay tuned. The next time I post, it will be as a woman free of job shackles.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2002-04-09 20:34:08 Asteri
I'm glad you sound so happy about all this. :)

2002-04-09 22:00:38 peacemaker
It is a strange phenomenon I get unemployment as well as my severance so I can actually make money while looking for work. Bizarre! I missed a job by days. I found out about it on Sunday night but it had been just offered.

2002-04-10 12:36:24 Fyresetter
i wish you well in your "down time" you dont seem like the type to be lazy, i see much action in your writing. i hope to get more time for myself in the near future, but i will keep reading you, take care

---End notes---

2002-04-12 23:21:06 I'm getting all verklempt ...

I went to Calvert Street today for the last time as an employee. I signed papers, then went to my cubicle to purge incriminating documents from my computer. A huge basket of flowers from the executive editor and managing editor was on my desk.I accepted farewells from several co-workers as I ran purge after purge on my office PC. At 5 p.m., a gathering was held at the far end of the newsroom for another departing staffer, Gary, who is not taking the buyout but going to a publication in New England. The editors said kind things about Gary, and he was presented with gag gifts and cake. A formal farewell party will be given by Gary's closest friend on Saturday. I did some more purging, talked with some more people. Kirk bought me dinner from the Jamaican restaurant down the street. I accepted farewell calls, e-mails and in person.At 6 p.m., a gathering was held just outside of my work area for me. I learned later that an assistant managing editor decided that even though prick boy is my supervisor, he was "not the appropriate person" to organize and conduct a farewell ceremony. The task fell to my former supervisor on the copy desk, John M. and his staff, most of whom I had worked with before.John spoke for a minute, describing how I had worked in every department in the newsroom. He then turned it over to Wayne, who spoke very eloquently, kindly and humorously for five minutes about all I had done for the newsroom and its people. Wayne tossed to Gina, who spoke briefly, but also very kindly. She called me a "closet softie."I was deeply touched, and near tears. Wayne presented me with a gift from everyone, a lab coat with a list of all the computer programs I've worked on printed on the back. I spoke about how working on a newspaper was something I had wanted to do since I was eight years old, and how it was a job that was vital to the preservation of democracy and protection of the disenfranchised. I talked about how I had so much fun, and how delighted I was to have worked with so many smart, talented people.There was heartfelt applause, and then we had cake. I accepted still more farewells and kind words.Gina said this was only a "taste" of what was to come at the big farewell bash on April 20. My goodness. I'm already overwhelmed.I left at 7:30 p.m. to a newsroom tradition: One person rings a cowbell (yes, a cowbell) that is kept for the occasion, and people would beat their rulers on their desks as the departing person strode from the floor. We don't use rulers any more; pages are drawn on computers, not by hand. So as the cow bell rang, people stood up, clapped and whooped and I left the newsroom as an employee, for the last time.And now life really begins.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2002-04-13 17:24:01 debbs2
(((((((Kasey))))))) Congratulations !!!! I am covered with goosebumps...

2002-04-15 04:40:22 Solo
Wow you really got in the swing for me hehehe. A nekkid dance was more than I could have asked for *HG* It's so weird to read you are ending a chapter in your life as I begin one in mine but I hope your new start elsewhere, and mine, will bring good things for both of us :)

2002-04-15 08:21:24 peacemaker
Congratulations! You deserved it and I was so glad that you got to hear some accolades on your way out the door. Your future awaits! I liked the lab coat!

---End notes---

2002-04-15 17:42:52 It's my 300th entry

I slept most of Saturday. On Sunday, Wayne and I went to a museum, wandered around for a few hours, had dinner, and chilled at his place for an hour. Wayne is leaving Tuesday or Wednesday for his two-week road trip to upstate New York to visit the 'rents, Cleveland to see the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and Louisville for a convention.Today, I'm starting to feel different. The weekend felt like a regular one. But today, I'm home, after spending the afternoon running errands. Tonight, I'll cook dinner (teriayki burgers), study up on formal news style and watch TV. No stress.Got three phone calls and two e-mails from former co-workers wishing me well. gonna miss those people. i hope they remember who i am six months from now.I am starting to have news withdrawal. I signed up for a few online services that will give me some access. but nothing for the consumer comes close to the breadth of info available to working journalists.On Tuesday, more errands, maybe buy a barbecue grill. I'm aiming for getting up before noon every day; hope to move that up to 10 a.m. I refuse to waste my hard-earned sabbatical schlumping around in my jammies all day and night.I have a test/interview on Wednesday, then weekly therapy appointment. On Thursday, the car goes into the shop; will spend car-less time doing laundry and continuing house de-cluttering.My farewell bash is on Saturday. it is nearly impossible to pin down most people on whether they're going to attend. my best guess so far is about 50. will have those single-use cameras on each table, so i will post lots o' pix after.kasey@byteme.com

2002-04-17 16:33:06

Was eager to get to the first job interview, if just to say I'm past it.Actually, things went very well. The test was much easier than I had feared; I breezed through it. I talked with the person who will do the hiring and would be my boss, for about 20 minutes. We got along fabulously; we have mutual colleagues and both belong to NABJ. She said she hoped to make a decision by the end of the month.Wayne and my therapist don't want me to get a job so soon. We'll see what happens. Even if I get offered this job, it doesn't mean I have to take it.Speaking of Wayne, his pharmacy would not let him refill his Prozac scrip for another week, and he's going out of town for two weeks, starting today. So he called and I went to his place with a dozen of my own Prozac. Wayne only takes half the dose I take, so I can spare some. I helped him haul stuff to his car, and we sat around talking until 10 p.m.*******************************************************a really dumb question for those you who have had shoulder length or longer hair for some part of your lives.HOW DO YOU KEEP YOUR HEAD FROM BURSTING INTO FLAMES IN HOT WEATHER?!?!?!?!?for the first time in my life, my hair, my dreads, touch my shoulders. i wrote an afro for more than 30 years, so my hair went up and out, never down. it would sometimes touch my ears, but usually i'd have that hair cut away, cuz i have cute ears and love to wear earrings.my hair just skims my shoulders, but it is VERY thick. i am being driven nuts with it covering my ears and the back of my neck. it's hot, it's sticky. it's too thick and not quite long enough to pull back into a pony tail. do i just spend the summer with it piled atop my head?kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2002-04-17 16:40:42 Rindy
Good luck on the job interview. Can't imagine dreds. Mine is blond and stringy. Hey, check out my diary. I just had a really fun experience and get frustrated when it feels like no one is reading about it. Thanks

2002-04-18 11:07:30 Tyche
I always wear a pony tail now. For those times when my hair wasn't quite long enough, I would take a large barrette, kind of flip it up, and pin it in place. Sometimes it looks a bit goofy, but hey, it's cooler.

---End notes---

2002-04-19 18:19:29 Callback

The local chief of the organization I tested for on Wednesday called today. I'm to go back on Monday at 9 a.m. (gack!) and meet with two more honchos who will be in town for some workshops.I'm amazed that things are moving this fast. There are still many hurdles to clear, but it seems apparent that this organization wants me. The question is: Do I want them? More specifically, do I want this particular job at this particular location at this particular time? It would be SOOOOOOOOOOO easy to take this job. I could be back to work quickly (some of us are not suited to a life of leisure), and have my entire buyout just sitting as savings. I could be well on my way to a new life without skipping a beat. I wouldn't have to move; the commute would be the same time and distance; the hours would be later, but tolerable; I certainly would not be bored; and I'd be doing stuff that I enjoy.If they are pursuing me this eagerly, I'm hoping it means that they are willing to at least match the salary that I made on Calvert Street. Yes, they know how much I made there.But Galen, my therapist, thinks it is vital for me to a) take several months off; and b) hold out for a dream job. I have applied to one organization that has my dream job, and have not heard back from them. Another dream job group is not hiring because of the recession.Well, the weekend is here, not that it makes any difference to this unemployed person. My big farewell party is tomorrow. Stay tuned.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2002-04-20 08:42:01 debbs2
Hey Casey, could you take the job if offered and then take a better one if it comes along? or is it a signed contract kind of thing. Have a good weekend my friend.

2002-04-20 08:42:44 debbs2
OOPSs spelled Kasey wrong above. Sorry.

2002-04-20 18:00:35 peacemaker
I have the same feelings. I haven't aggressively persued work yet. I have the surgery to use as a rationale. You are in a win, win. Could you take the job and negeotiate the start date? Take a month off and the reason is you haven't had a vacation and probably wouldn't this year. or start now and negeotiate a month off later?

---End notes---

2002-04-21 00:46:34 A fond farewell

It was quite a festive event at the duckpin bowling alley Saturday night. About 50 showed up to bowl, eat and wish me farewell from the nightmare on Calvert Street.My mom was there. She said she was gladdened by the obvious affection my former co-workers had for me. And everyone was extremely generous with gifts. I got several coupons for free coffee at Starbucks; gift certificates from Barbeques Galore and CompUSA; a necklace; a garden gnome and other personal, funny knickknacks.The funniest, most touching was the mock front page (another newsroom tradition) featuring a four-column color photo of me in the pool at Curacao. The page had stories about me and my Top 10 sayings; remembrances of kindnesses by co-workers. It was matted and framed. I, again, was moved to tears. Pictures TK. Kirk brought his digital camera and got a lot of good shots; i just hope he remembers to e-mail them to me.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2002-04-21 04:34:32 debbs2
awwwww, I know they will really miss you around there. Hey are you going to post your pics somewhere?

2002-04-21 16:31:19 peacemaker
I'm glad you got to have a moment in the spotlight, and have your mom there with you too. You deserved it.

---End notes---

2002-04-23 01:59:14 So far, so good

Will take the few pix I took at party to be developed on Tuesday. Kirk still hasn't forwarded his digital photos to me.Went to Barbeques Galore and got biggest, most expensive electric grill in the store, thanks to the boundless generosity of my former co-workers. Now I'm in the midst of clearing off the patio (where did all this crap come from? have the cats been ordering stuff from Amazon.com?) so I can start cooking and eating out there while I still have some free time.Yes, the followup job interviews went very well. The honcho from the main office in New York said it would be great to have someone with my experience in this relatively young and inexperienced local office. And the local chief said "we are VERY interested." My talks with other staff really got me psyched. I'd be doing a variety of tasks -- editing, writing, arranging graphics and photos, working with member publications and broadcast outlets in this and a neighboring state, and coordinating between the New York and D.C. offices. I'd have a lot of autonomy and would be responsible for all news decisions on the 5 p.m. to 1 a.m. shift. I'd have weekends off, and four weeks of vacation after the first year. Sick leave, health and welfare benefits, paid holidays are roughly comparable to what I had before.The organization is in an office building about six blocks from the Calvert Street plant, in the heart of downtown. There is a heated parking garage, and a health club on the ground floor.The local chief admitted that they would not be able to pay me as much as I earned on Calvert Street. I had already checked the organization's union contract, so I know about how much I'd be paid. With the buyout, I can afford to take a 15 percent cut. I ain't crazy about it, but everything else sounds to so exciting that I think it would be worth getting paid less.So I'll wait for an offer. The local chief said she would call me no later than May 1. In the meantime, I'm still answering ads and sending out resumes. As good as things look, stuff could still go wrong, and I don't want to lose the momentum.Think positive thoughts for me!kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2002-04-24 02:14:18 peacemaker
congrats, a home run on your first at bat!

2002-04-28 20:32:01 debbs2
Am thinking positive thoughts for you.

---End notes---

2002-05-03 21:51:20 Woman of leisure

Whoa, it's been a while since I posted. Getting freedom has its disadvantages. It's been three full weeks since I left my job. I'm enjoying not having a routine, and I'm really enjoying not having to face prick boy ever again. I've been sleeping well for the first time in a decade. I'm rested and relaxed. While I was working, it was all I could do to drag myself out of bed at 1:30 p.m., just 90 minutes before I had to be at work. This was the case no matter how early I went to bed or how long I stayed in bed. Now, I'm awake and eager by 11 a.m. I shower, get dressed, and see what I feel like doing. I take short walks (and injured my left ankle and foot walking on uneven pavement), read, watch TV, go to movies, sit at a table at Starbucks, listen to music, admire the view from my patio (Wayne and I put up bird feeders and I've had many feathered visitors). I'm on the computer a lot, answering ads and sending out resumes. The company that I had two interviews with claims they intend to make me a job offer, but are waiting for approval from New York on how much salary to offer. It's been several days since the local chief told me this, and I'm starting to wonder if New York feels I'm overqualified and won't agree to hiring me. So even though I thought this job was in the bag, (and I still hope I get it) I'm continuing a full-scale job search. I've booked trips to minority journalist conventions in Milwaukee and San Diego, and I'll be taking a two-day course in computer-assisted reporting later this month. I haunt the online newspaper sites, looking for job leads. All in all, it's a nice break from the daily grind of the last 30 years. The job hunt is something of a grind, since I send resumes out for jobs that I think I'm perfect for, and never hear a peep from the companies. I keep reminding myself that the economy is still down, and that I knew it would take a long time to find another gig. I have been doing some computer training for former co-workers, and I've been charging for it. Not as much as rent-a-geek, which charges $100 for the first hour and $75 for each additional hour of a house call. I even sent my resume to them, and I haven't heard back. Got my finances in order: paid off the last credit card and closed the account; rolled over my 401(k) into an IRA with my broker; and have a budget. I'm covered financially through end of 2002. So I try to relax and enjoy my life of leisure.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2002-05-05 16:16:34 debbs2
Good to see you are taking full advantage of your time off. Have fun girl....you deserve a break today!!! :)

2002-05-06 01:00:41 SheSeemsSweet
Sleeping, in my opinion, is very important. Our sleep patterns determine our mood, and as a result how we will act during the day. I sound like a psychologist or something. I am very sleep deprived. My roommie is a night owl, and I'm not but I'm forced to stay up anyway since I can't sleep with lights or noise. I hope your ankle is getting better. Any type of doctor's appointments are expensive, so it is always important to stay in shape nevertheless. Sometimes being overqualified is a curse, sad to say. I am sending out resumes too. It seems like no one is hiring, I think it is a mix of the economy and there isn't really a need for journalists in my area. Well they all want someone with experience, which is the one thing I am trying to get.

---End notes---

2002-05-06 13:42:21 happynekkidigotthejob dance!

Yes, I was offered and have accepted a job with an international news service, which I shall refer to as QQ. Look at any daily newspaper in North and South America, you'll see stories and photos from this news service every day. It's been around for 150 years, has won 47 Pulitzer Prizes, and I am honored and humbled that I will be working for them.My title will be night desk supervisor of the Baltimore office. I will work days for a month to become familiar with the operation, then to a 5 p.m. to 1:30 a.m. shift, Mondays through Fridays. I will be responsible for all news decisions involving Maryland and Delaware on that shift, and I'll be editing, writing, dealing with staff and stringers, members and the New York and D.C. office.I'm taking about a 10 percent cut in take-home pay, mostly because I will have to pay $165 a month for parking, while I paid only $13 a week at Calvert Street. Not a problem, because I have all the buyout money sitting in savings, and I have no debts except for my mortgage.Health and welfare benefits, vacation, pension and 401(k) contributions are roughly the same as Calvert Street. And I'll be back in a union.I start on May 20, so that means I'll only have had five weeks off. Wayne wanted me to take more time, but I think this job is a great opportunity and I'm eager to get on with my new life.Woo woo!kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2002-05-06 13:53:45 SheSeemsSweet
Congrats on the new job! 5pm-1:30am. Everyone always says journalists work weird hours. They weren't kidding.

2002-05-06 14:02:20 princess of antar
congrats on the new job. I wish I could get a new one too!

2002-05-06 21:49:34 Tyche
Congratulations!!! How wonderful!!

2002-05-08 13:07:46 Fyresetter
i think this is just wonderful for you

2002-05-12 19:51:50 debbs2
YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! I KNEW you would get a great job!!!. I am so happy for you. Now go and enjoy your time off...it should be especially restful now that you don't have to worry about any more job hunting. ((((((((hugs)))))))))

2002-05-13 21:25:24 Freedoms Wings
*doingthenekkiddancewithyou* Go Casey!!!!

2002-05-20 12:54:04 peacemaker
you really made out well! I hope I can do half as well.

---End notes---

2002-05-27 22:03:55 So sorry it's been so long

Hoo boy, have I been a bad girl! It's been weeks since I posted here. I am so sorry I've neglected you guys. Things have been moving very fast, and it's all good.I worked my first week at QQ news service. I am struck by how young most of the staff is -- in their mid and late 20s. They are also new to the bureau and the area; most started here just this year. So I am the wise one. The young people here have already remarked their amazement at how much I know, and seem pleased that I'm here. I'm picking up the minutia, like the phones and the writing style. The computers are quite barebones compared to the high-powered ones on Calvert Street, but if all one is working on is text, one doesn't need so much.I did a lot of reporting my first week, and some rewriting and editing. I shall learn about broadcasting this week on the day shift, then train on nights for two weeks. I'll be flying solo as night supervisor by mid-June.So far so good. Everyone seems to like me and eager to learn from me. I'm picking up stuff as quickly as my middle-aged brain allows, and I think' I'm going to be good at this job.I've slept well for the last few weeks -- no nightmares, little insomnia. Next week, I hope to start swimming before work. I'll be 50 in two and a half weeks, and I feel that I've started a new life!kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2002-05-28 06:35:22 peacemaker
Swimming before work? Jane you sound like a new woman! You have made a great decision and have things going your way. You deserve it for sticking your neck out. Like the turtle, it is the only way we can move forward. Congratulations again. Swimming could innoculate against and counterbalance stress which will be inevitable. Great to be the sage!

2002-05-28 13:11:18 Fyresetter
happy to see this happy entry. and also...welcome to the club, the 50 club. it's a great age to be...

2002-05-31 17:26:24 Wanderlust
I haven't been around in about 2 months, so I have some catching up to do, but I love how upbeat this entry is! I know what you mean about how people think you know so much. Isn't the "wisdom that comes with age" wonderful? My staff all think I know everything, too LOL

2002-06-10 17:50:48 SheSeemsSweet
At least they have someone to looks up to at work...

2002-06-23 23:04:04 Bernadette099
I too, am behind on the diaries but so glad to see this. I just know they can learn from you and you sound like you are enjoying yourself. 50 eh, well, I only have two years on you so welcome to the half century club. Glad to see you are sleeping so well also. I am still working on that. Take care Jane and congrats!!!

2002-07-16 08:19:15 Freedoms Wings
Glad to know all is going well.

2002-07-20 06:25:09 peacemaker
Hey Jane I worry when I don't hear from you. The last time was when you were depressed for a long time. I will email you to see what is up. I hope all is well with you and you are just too busy in the new position.

2002-10-20 06:51:30 peacemaker
No new again. I will email you. hope all is well. We 50 types have to look after one another! 10/20/02.

---End notes---

2004-11-18 21:20:00 She's back!

My goodness. For reasons I don’t understand, I recently started getting e-mails informing me of updates to this site of some of my favorite writers. I had forgotten I even had this diary. I’ll try to find time to read through it.It’s been nearly two and a half years! So much has happened. The biggest change has been my weight. I’ve lost more than 140 pounds in the past 13 months. I was going to have gastric bypass, but ended up losing through diet and exercise. I hope to lose about 30 more pounds and then have plastic surgery to remove a LOT of excess skin.I’ll update again soon, I hope.Kasey (Jane Skye So)

---Notes---

2004-11-18 20:35:48 Tyche
Wow!!!! I started getting e-mails on updates too. I didn't really pay attention to any of them, though, until I saw that you had updated. How incredibly cool!!! I always wondered how your new job was going, though if it's been two and a half years, it's not exactly new any more. :-) I am so thrilled to see that you updated!! I left MDD about two years ago; I hang out at Xanga with a bunch of other former MDDers. :-)

2004-11-20 11:00:22 Asteri
Hey, if there's someone I wasn't expecting to have news again from it's you. I am really glad you dediced to post. I was very curious about your whereabouts. I too lost 100 pounds and I feel much better. I am very glad things in your life seem to be fine. If you can, e-mail me to asteri@writeme.com. {{{Hugs}}}

2004-11-20 19:17:46 truthseeker
Welcome back!

---End notes---

2004-11-23 12:12:12 Weekend exercise and more

I used my free time on the weekend to make up for missing four days at the gym because I had to deal the aftermath of the burglary. I spent more than two hours doing the treadmill, elliptical trainer and stationary bike Saturday (when I slept too late to make the 9:15 a.m. aerobics class) and another 90 minutes on the same machines on Sunday.Saturday night, I attended a party downtown thrown by a coworker who will be going on “Jeopardy.” He’s flying to California today and will tape the episode(s) tomorrow. No word yet on when they will be broadcast.I had good food at the party, but not too much, and one alcoholic drink — a Dark and Stormy. It won’t replace Kahlua and Cream as my favorite drink, but I liked it.I had a great time talking with coworkers and meeting new people.Today, I had thought salesman for door stores would come, but none did. I guess I got the dates wrong and I hope someone will visit tomorrow. I’m very eager to get the back door replaced. It’s secure now, but someone could do the same thing — break the glass and remove the lock — again.I also sucked up three large trash bags full of leaves from my yard (I have a leaf blower/sucker) and went to the dentist, who told me I'm looking “skinny.”Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

2004-11-23 12:12:12 Update: What About Wayne?

Former regulars of my diary know that my most pathetic ruminations involved my intense feelings, angst, disappointment, lust and confusion over a man named Wayne.Wayne and I worked at the Nightmare on Calvert Street. Our friendship expanded into something wonderful and strange, and I fell in love with him. We were very close, but I wanted more from the relationship than he. Wayne, I believed, simply did not find me sexually attractive, although I know he cared for me deeply.So we lurched along, I wanting us to be lovers, and he wanting us to be friends.He won.I left the Nightmare on Calvert Street, and he stayed for two more years, then left in January. He was happily unemployed, partying and traveling, before taking a great job last month as senior editor of two artistic magazines with offices less than two miles from his apartment. Wayne now has his own office, works 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Mondays through Fridays with all holidays off. He wears a tie to work every day.Little has changed about our relationship. We remain close, although we don’t spend as much time together or even communicating via phone or e-mail as we used to. Wayne remains very much a part of my life. He went with me to see the bariatric surgeon, intending to take care of me during recovery, and he did accompany me during and take care of me afterward when I had wrist surgery in April. Wayne was the second person I called (the cops were first, natch) after I discovered my house was burglarized last weekend. He came right over, and this week, drove miles away to pick up ny new laptop at the shipper’s while I was at work.We still have keys to each other’s homes, and we still get together for entertainment and food once a month or so.But we never became lovers, as I so fervently hoped.Am I still in love with Wayne? Probably not. I’m hoping that other men will notice me now that I’ve lost so much weight, although that has not happened. I know that no matter how much weight I lose, or how much plastic surgery I have, Wayne won’t view me as sexually attractive, and that hurts me. And if he ever made a pass at me, I’d jump his bones in a New York minute.Pathetic, aren’t I?Kaseyaka Jane Skye So

---Notes---

2004-11-25 03:21:33 peacemaker
Hi Kasey, It is great to have you back. I was so glad to catch up on your life and have thought of you frequently. Unlike yourself I have gained some weight back. I was 199 after a hernia surgery and diet and exercise. I maintained for years. I focused on this past election and not on exercise and now am trying to get back. I admire your determination and efforts. Thanks for the W2 catch up, my love life is not much different than when you left. Fyre is still in MA. with her two girls, and Celeste aka Bernedette is still with Eddie in MN. I have maintained contact with them from 1999 on and off. I have a yahoo IM and so does Bernedette, so we stay in touch periodically. I should give you a call some night just for the hell of it. I remember tracking you down once but you hadn't come in yet. Congratulations on your persistence and success in life changes that added a number of years to your life time. Way to go! You have it seems continued to grow and deepen your self understanding and self acceptence. Not passive self acceptance,but that kind of St. Francis prayer acceptance that is realistically based. I have always been one of your admirers. Keep up the good work.Peacemaker aka Joe

2004-11-25 07:48:02 Tyche
Thanks for sharing the pictures - you are right - there is such a difference in how you look now!!! You do look years younger and you look great!!!It's been a lot of work for you (now *there's* an understatement!!), but it looks like it's paying off. You'll be around longer, and I like that. :-) You know, I never thought Dove bars were good enough to merit all the calories they are anyway.But you, it's not just looks. You "sound" better now than you did before. You sound happier than you did before. I think you're doing just great!

2004-11-26 09:45:26 Asteri
Thanks a lot for posting this information. You're definitely not pathetic. It is great that you're still a very good friend of Wayne. He doesn't seem like the kind of man just worth for a romance and not for a friendship. You're once again to be admired because you're able to handle this situation unlike people like, Me!{{{Hugs}}}

Diary Backup Part 4

2007-03-30T19:50:00.000-07:00

My brilliant career

It was 30 years ago today that I began my journalism career. My college had arranged a six-month, paid internship for me at United Press International in Washington, D.C., my hometown. I was grateful be back in D.C., back living with my parents. I had hated my freshman year at Northeastern University in Boston. I hated dorm life, I hated the winter, I hated the huge classes, I hated that I had to study hard, I hated being away from home and my boyfriend. I just hated everything. So I arrived, the day after my 19th birthday, at the National Press Building downtown, across from the Treasury Department, three blocks from the White House. I was the first black woman to work there. I was a dictationist. I took dictation from reporters in the White House, Congress and the Supreme Court. This was years before the Internet, PCs, laptops and wireless communication. I sat at an IBM Selectric and cradled the phone between my ear and shoulder as reporters dictated their stories. If the story was a bulletin, an editor would stand over me and rip the paper out of the typewriter, one paragraph at a time, in order to get it to the teletype operator. My father had taught me to type before I turned 10 because my handwriting was so bad. But I was not prepared to type nearly at the speed of speech. Helen Thomas, the recently retired dean of White House correspondents, made my internship a living hell because I could never type fast enough for her. But aside from grumpy reporters (a group I would have to learn to live with) I enjoyed my first job. I sure enjoyed my first paycheck -- $85 a week! I liked putting on nice clothes and taking the bus to work and back. I liked shopping downtown during lunch. I liked some of the people I worked with, although I was so much younger than everyone that I didn’t make any real friends. From there, after I got married and moved to Connecticut, I wandered into the newspaper office a month after I had been working with Blue Cross/Blue Shield. I was hired on the spot to write obits. I was the first black person to work in that newsroom. It was February 1971; I had not yet turned 20. I packed a lot of career in the next nine years at the Bridgeport Post and Telegram. I moved from writing obits to writing features to writing hard news. I returned to college, while continuing to work full-time as a reporter. I interviewed the great and the ordinary. I wrote front-page ledes (yes, that is the correct spelling) and back-of-the-section briefs. I dealt with racist, sexist, homophobic assholes inside and outside of the newsroom. After my triumphant graduation form college with a bachelor’s degree and my post-graduate study at the University of Arizona at Tucson, the world was my oyster. I got work on the copy desk of the Birmingham Post-Herald in Alabama. By now I had a national reputation and was frequently approached by other newspapers. I went to the Dallas Times Herald, and the here at the Sun. Since being at the Sun, I have turned down job offers at the Washington Post and the Miami Herald. Over the last 16 years, I have worked in every department in the Sun’s newsroom – features, sports, business, metro and telegraph. I’ve been a reporter, a copy editor, an assignment editor and a page designer. Now, I’m a journalist/geek, helping report the news by keeping the computers humming. I am a stereotypical journalist – nosy, demanding, arrogant, sarcastic and impatient. I want the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and I want it NOW! I will ask anybody anything – the worst they can say is “no comment” or slam the door in my face. No one ever set dogs on me – so far. The Fourth Estate is a noble profession. It has also embarrassed itself too often over the last 20 years. I wince at the cameras and microphones shoved in the faces of people who’ve just endured trauma or lost loved ones. I cringe at the celebrity gossip that passes as news these days. I shudder at the lack of respect for accuracy. But if I had to do it all over again, I’d still become a newspaperwoman. It sure beats working for a living.kjsysed@hotmail.com

---Notes---

2001-06-14 03:22:50 peacemaker
I'll bet you did well because you loved it and poured yourself into it totally. A good match! Keep up the good work!

2001-06-14 06:34:21 Solo
Did I ever mention I began my studies in a journalism degree? I got right to the last semester and they made me do a two week placement with the local rag. After two weeks of my writing being rewritten into sensationalist crud and panic over them maybe putting my name to their trash I went right off the whole idea and transferred to psychology. My teacher hated this local rag and said it was the worst paper he'd ever seen in his long and experienced life so maybe it was just bad luck *G*

2001-06-14 12:14:59 Authentic Woman
a very interesting entry. I enjoyed going back into time with you and seeing life thru your eyes. AW

2001-06-15 16:08:55 Asteri
Your career life has been amazing!

---End notes---

2001-06-15 21:06:03 TGIF

Finished up a fairly stressful week, even though prick boy wasn't here. Had to pack and unpack the RISH so the carpet could be replaced. Prick boy keeps so much old technology and useless crap "just in case." That's why I had to get out of there. I also responded in writing to my performance review. I pointed out that prick boy assumes he knows what I'm thinking when he doesn't and that he acribes motives to my actions that are wrong because of that. I rewrote it several times, and had Wayne and John look at it to make sure I wasn't being abusive. Continued dealings with the evil Verizon. My modem line seems to be fixed, but I had to spend hours on phone getting DSL installation arranged again. After more customer service flubs, I now have an activation date of July 9. I will also get a free modem, no activation charge, no cancellation charge, 60 days free service and three free Webcams! I'll own that company if their customer disservice keeps up. I'll take picture of my comic books tomorrow. I see one person on eBay is selling a series that I have for $750. Yes, $750 for seven comics. I doubt I can get that much, but hell, an average of $10 per comic will get me $4,000. Glad that Asteri's back and had a good time in Orlando. I'll be there for a convention in August. Hot, hot, hot! And I see Emerald Dragon would like to take a trip to Asteri's island. I've been there, and it's wonderful. John redeemed himself and gave me a beatiful pottery stash pot he made for my brithday. Wayne says he'll give me my gift Sunday, before we visit my mother. That whole day is shaping up to be very interesting. Stay tuned. kjsysed@hotmail.com

---Notes---

2001-06-16 01:09:03 Asteri
I'm alive!!! August? Great!!! However, too hot. Even we can't stand the heat in August. :( Have a very nice weekend dear friend. :D

2001-06-16 12:05:17 Keana2
Gawdalmighty girl, thats a load of money for comics! Wow.

---End notes---

2001-06-16 18:06:51 Minor irritants

Damn modem phone line is down again! And, I checked my Verizon bill and found that they’ve been charging me for DSL even though I cancelled it in April. Verizon now owes me about $80 in overcharges. Arrgh! My beneficent employer announced an early retirement program for employees who are at least 50 years old and meet other criteria. I’m one year short. Arrgh! On Thursday, a former colleague pleaded guilty in federal court in Connecticut to racketeering and filing a false tax return. Lennie worked as a reporter with me in Bridgeport in the late 1970s. A very handsome man and a smooth talker, he left to publish his own paper, write a book and serve as a political and business consultant.Lennie admitted to engaging in a racketeering conspiracy another mayoral fund-raiser to collect hundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes and kickbacks that were hidden as fees paid to his consulting firm. He agreed to forfeit the illegal proceeds of the scheme, including $200,000 in cash and his house. Sentencing is set for Dec. 13. Lennie could be sentenced to up to 23 years in federal prison. Sigh. He was so talented, had the world by the tail, and now, at age 42, is personally and financially ruined and will probably do time. Arrgh!Gonna spend the rest of the day converting MP3 files, photographing and scanning comic book covers, and watching TV. Looking forward to a pleasant tomorrow with Wayne and my mom.kjsysed@hotmail.com

---Notes---

2001-06-16 18:56:52 Asteri
I'm very sorry about your friend. Have fun tomorrow!! :)

2001-06-16 19:28:30 Solo
I guess your friend took what seemed like the easy way to riches and discovered it's not such a good choice after all. Hope your day is a truly enjoyable one (Hugs)

2001-06-16 22:06:45 peacemaker
Somehow, it is so easy to screw up. It only takes a minute to waste a life time of effort and achievement.

---End notes---

2001-06-18 09:30:36 Meet the Parents, Part 1

Had a great day with Wayne and my mom. I went to Wayne’s apartment to pick him up and got to see the improvements his parents made on the place. All the kitchen stuff was put away in its place. The formerly vertical futon is now horizontal. The guest bedroom, which his parents stayed in, is actually neat. The TV is hooked up. The main bedroom still looks like a tornado hit it. The living room is still so crowded it is hard to walk around. Wayne hasn’t gotten around to hanging his photos yet. Wayne gave me a birthday card from my cats, with dialog that ostensibly they had. Very funny. Then he gave me my gift. It is a black-and-white picture he took of a sunset that I had admired. He had it mounted and framed, and alongside it is a poem – “Georgia Dusk” by Jean Toomer. Go here to read it and learn more about Toomer: http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Forum/4722/Toomer.htmlI had sent that poem to him when I first saw the picture, and later I gave him a book of Toomer’s works. This was such a a thoughtful gift that I was near tears. I gave Wayne a hug and a kiss on the cheek.We were in an unbelievably silly mood on the one-hour drive to my mother’s house. We decided we had to get all the bad words out before we got there, so as not to slip into our usual drunken-sailor talk in front of Mom.We arrived 15 minutes early. My mother had called me on Thursday to push the time back because she wanted to go to a memorial service for a resident of her retirement community who had committed suicide that week. The woman was 80, had lived a remarkable life, but at the end suffered horribly from pulmonary obstructive disease and depression and decided life wasn’t worth the struggle anymore.Anyway, Mom wasn’t back yet, so Wayne and I walked to the tiny lake across from her house and took pictures of the geese. My mother’s retirement community is in an area that was farmland when it was first build. It has become increasing suburban, losing its rural character, and now a housing development is going up right across the street. But for now, it’s very peaceful and yesterday was such a gorgeous day that I was relaxed and happy just being there. Mom drove up and we walked back and I introduced Wayne to her. We sat in her living room and talked for an hour. Mom grew up near where Wayne did. In an amazing coincidence, Mom’s mother and Wayne’s grandparents both lived and died at the same retirement home in upstate New York. Mom had relatives in many places that Wayne had frequented while growing up. So they had lots to talk about.Wayne gave Mom a framed photo he had taken this winter of an egret diving for a fish in Monterry, California. Will this man never stop surprising me with his thoughtfulness?We went out to dinner and had WAY too much food. After we got back to Mom’s place, we took some more pictures, and Mom took two of Wayne and me. Will post them as soon as they’re back from Photoworks.On the drive back to his apartment, Wayne said he had a good time. I was glad – he did seem relaxed and at ease. We talked at his apartment for about an hour. Wayne was starting to fade – he had been up since very early because neighborhood children were so rowdy, and he still needed to call his father to wish him a nice father’s day. I drove home and discovered I, too, was exhausted, and went straight to bed at 10:30 p.m. Part 2 will come when I meet Wayne's parents.kjsysed@hotmail.com

---Notes---

2001-06-18 09:36:49 Emerald Dragon
What a wonderful day! to spoend it with people that care about you and vice versa. Glad your special day was one filled with love and memories made. have a great Monday Hugs

2001-06-18 11:57:40 Nice Cat
Dang! Sounds like an absolutely wonderful day. Don't worry help is on the way. As a friend put it to me "better living through chemicals". ^..^

2001-06-18 13:32:06 Asteri
Glad you all had such a good time. {{{Hugs}}}

---End notes---

2001-06-18 22:21:27 To The Older Woman

I am attracted to other diaries for different reasons. After The Older Woman put a rather pointed comment on Peace's diary, I checked her diary. I read the whole thing, many entires more than once. What first struck me about The Older Woman (TOW from here on in; please don't be offended; I have RSI and I save keystrokes where I can) was her nearly perfect grammar and spelling. Sorry, MDD friends, but after reading entry after entry written by native English speakers who don't know the difference between your and you're and wouldn't use a spell-checker if it bit them on the ass, TOW's writing was a relief to my weary eyes. Secondly, TOW is a very talented and eloquent writer. I can't help but admire her phrasing. Her diary is painful to read, but it takes real talent to make someone feel anything about what one has written. Finally, I came across some phrases that reflected my feelings. But upon reading deeper, I discovered that we are in two very dissimilar situations. I was moved, but in a not-exactly-positive way. Because I was moved, I'm going to write about her situation. Some might not think that is a good idea, or fair, or acceptable behavior for this site. All that is cool. But if I saw someone on the street who clearly needed help, I wouldn't walk on by. I'd offer to help. If that help is refused, that's cool, too. Here's what I'm doing: I will quote directly from TOW's words. I will correct errors of fact. And yes, I will give advice, which is worth exactly what she paid for it. I will accept responsibility for everything I write. Here's what I will NOT do: I won't call names. I won't project motives. I won't take offense to anything TOW or anyone else says, except those who get the facts wrong. I won't judge. From here on in, I will address TOW.*** Good day, ma'am. I have read your entire diary, all 95 postings. As you have posted it in a public place, and as you have allowed comments to be added, and as I have a hell of a lot to say about your situation, I'm throwing out my two cents worth. I'm not commandeering space in your diary; this entry is far too long for a comment. You do yourself an injustice when you restore to name-calling, whether it's directed at people or their comments or their supposed motives. Here are just a few from your diary: "Peacemaker, you irritate the hell out of me. ... you made the idiotic comment ...You think you know everything, but you know NOTHING." "Probably the same idiot who asked me ..." "... you're a friggin idiot." "Just keep your perfect little self the f*** AWAY from my diary, ok?" You're a good writer and you don't need to stoop to name-calling, which is the last resort of the immature and untalented. TOW, you also have claimed to know things about people who post comments when you possiblye can't. For exactly, you wrote to Peacemaker: "You have obviously never been in love." You can't possibly know whether he has or not. You can't crawl inside his mind and tell him what he feels or has felt. Again, this kind of thing is beneath you, as a writer and as a human being. Let me point out some factual errors you have written. "The only thing I ever wanted out of life was to love passionately and to be loved that way in return. It never happened; and now it never will." And, "I've already had dozens of relationships, all of them unsatisfying, because they all lacked the magic that only exists with Mike." And, "I have never felt this way about anyone, ever before, and I am not going to be able to settle for less." In each of those statements, you make that claim that you will never feel about anyone the way you feel about Mike. Sorry, TOW, but you and no one else can predict the future. You do not know what life holds for you tomorrow, next week, next month or next year. You don't know how you will feel about anyone or anything. You don't know who will come into or go out of your life. You don't know how you will change. You don't know how your family and friends will change. Also, those statements indicate flawed logic. Think of the best meal you've ever had. Did you stop eating because you figured no other meal could be equal to it? Did you say you'll never be able to settle for a lesser meal? Do you see the flaw in your claim that because you've had the best means you can never enjoy anything less? Regarding your seeking of psychiatric treatment, you wrote: "And, also FYI, I did get therapy." And "And I was told decisively that I was not crazy." I'm glad you got therapy. I'm a little concerned, however, about the skills of any therapist who treated you simply by telling you you're not crazy without helping you deal with this love you say you feel for Mike. And as you wrote, "True love does not respond to drugs," I fear you did not get a complete understanding of the nature of therapy, mental illness and psychotropic medication. I'm also concerned about the efficacy of such therapy, because you also wrote: "I think about suicide every day." Successful treatment does not leave people feeling suicidal. "Any sincere advice is always appreciated," you wrote. OK, The Older Woman. Here is sincere advice. Your writings indicate that you are in pain, that you are suffering. That is not normal, it is not good for you, it is not good for your children, it is not good for Mike. If you are so miserable that you think daily about ending your life, you need help and you need it now. Spending years of your life thinking and longing for first this boy and now man, waiting in the shadows near his house, going to events in hopes of seeing him, monitoring his activities through online snooping and through his friends, getting giddy at the thought of getting to ride in his car with him -- TOW this not love, although you seem to believe that it is. Again, I am quoting you: "I have spent nearly every Saturday night for the past three and half years wondering where Mike is." And, "I'd walk down near the road that leads to his subdivision and sit in the shadows and wait to see his car go down the road and home." And, "When you think about the torture I endured for nine months, not being able to see his face or hear his voice... is this not the most AMAZING thing one could imagine?" And, "He is everything to me." And, "YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! Dinner, and two half-hour car rides. Oh my god...." And, "I thought I had seen that his car was moved, but as I think about it, it wasn't. It's still in the same place his parents parked it when they brought it home from Rochester while he was in Tennessee. I haven't seen the car parked near any of his friends' houses. He has been online a couple of times at very strange times of day, using a screen name he usually only uses for an e-mail address. So... if he's not home, where is he? And why? I thought I had seen that his car was moved, but as I think about it, it wasn't. He has been online a couple of times at very strange times of day, using a screen name he usually only uses for an e-mail address. So... if he's not home, where is he? And why?" One does not have to be Sigmund Freud to see obsessive behavior in your actions regarding Mike. Obsessive behavior can be treated with medication and therapy. If you've been dissatisfied with psychiatric treatment you've gotten in the past, go to a different therapist. Call the local mental health association. Ask your adult friends for recommendations. Ask your personal physican, your religious confidante, anyone you trust, but PLEASE GET HELP. You do not have to continue suffering. kjsysed@hotmail.com

---Notes---

2001-06-19 01:05:12 The Older Woman
Do you really think I haven't heard all of this before?

2001-06-19 01:48:53 Solo
Sounds like she likes things the way they are.

2001-06-19 15:15:18 Gigi33
What wonderful advice. I hope she takes it, but I agree with Solo. Gigi

2001-06-19 15:27:30 Asteri
I really admire you for being so caring towards others. Please don't change...

---End notes---

2001-06-19 22:34:50 Work, work, work

Man, there is just not enough time in the week to get things done! I've got scanning and e-mailing and cleaning and laundry and mildew scrubbing and cat-hair vacuuming and air and hotel reservations and clothes shopping and gift selecting and auctions to monitor. I have magazines I haven't read, videotapes I haven't watched, CDs I haven't heard. Having a job is interfering with my life big time! I got any e-mail from a former friend I worked with in Bridgeport. We were best buds then, but we lost track. I hunted down her e-mail address (I love the Internet!) and wrote her. She lives near New York City invited me to her place for a weekend. I'd love to hop up there and take her and her husband to a Broadway show. What fun that would be! I have been feeling especially good lately. I've reached out to people I'd lost contact with and heard back from half of them. They were excited to hear from me and glad I made the first move. My mood is stabilized, my appetite is back, I feel as if I'm making progress in therapy, I've improved my finances with the refinancing and cuttign back on duplications; I've taken control of my job and set boundaries for my supervisor. I have friends and family nearby who love me; I have cats who keep my company; I have a beautiful home; a smart, beautiful, talented niece who will start her adult life in a few months at college; and fairly good health. I am one lucky woman. It's hard to believe that four months ago I didn't want to live. It's hard to believe that I saw no good in myself, found no pleasure in anything, and that I believed I would never feel joy again. It's hard to remember that black hole I was in. I am so grateful that medication exists to help me and I can afford to get it. I am grateful that my friends, especially my friends here at My Dear Diary, whom I abandoned when I was dueling the despair squid, saw me through this. I'm a poster child for better living through through pharmaceuticals. Things CAN get better. ***note to TOW: In answer to your question, I have no idea what you've heard before. I doubt you've heard before EVERYTHING I wrote, unless you've encountered my literary doppelganger. But, OK, I'll take your word that I've told you nothing new. Why do you choose to continue to be miserable when you've heard before that help is available? kjsysed@hotmail.com

---Notes---

2001-06-20 02:36:58 peacemaker
You have come a long way baby! Keep up the good work. Have you ever thought of becoming a board member of the local Mental Health Association? I am on a local board. The organization sticks up and advocates for the 20% of Americans who have to deal with an emotional crisis yearly. It also has an educational bent, and fights stigma and prejudice. You would be good.

2001-06-20 07:57:11 Emerald Dragon
Glad that things are so bright and sunny for you! Have a happy day.

2001-06-20 08:26:38 Nice Cat
Am so proud of how far you've come. Thanks for sharing it, it gives hope to those of us still in the pit. Great to know there is a way out. ^..^

2001-06-20 08:28:11 Asteri
I'm so glad you're back to normal. :) Yes, there're lots of people who care deeply about you here @ MDD; like me. :) {{{Big Hugs}}}

2001-06-20 09:53:27 Keana2
Thank you! I needed to hear/read an entry like this..........((ohsotighthugs))

---End notes---

2001-06-20 20:39:52 Just the facts, ma'am

First, TOW, thank you for writing. I make it a rule not to comment to anonymous posters, but as it is clear who you are, I'll make an exception. Second, thank you for taking the time to read my diary. I hope you enjoyed it. Onto the fact checking: "don't want you or your little groupies to come give me any more unsolicited advice." I have never posted on your diary. My comments to you are on my diary. Anyone who doesn't care for what I have to say need not read my diary. As to whether any of my friends here are groupies (or little, for that matter), I don't know if they are or aren't. I'm curious to know how you came to label people as such. Further, you stated in your diary that sincere advice would be appreciated. That sounds like solicitation to me. "Holier-than-thou:" Stating facts is not being holier than thou. You called names; I pointed that out. I am very much in favor of reasoned debates, and name-calling precludes that. I strive for civilized discussions, with a frank and honest exchange of facts. I'm glad you have been under psychiatric care. I'm sorry that the antidepressants prescribed for you made you feel like a zombie. That is a very common side effect. It can take many months of trial and error with medications and dosages to get it right. There is nothing in my writings in which I state that every emotional problem can be "treated" and I certainly made no mention of miracles. In fact, medications are effective only 80 percent of the time. "I'm such a hideous freak that no man, let alone someone as nice as W2, would want me." Yes, there were and still are times when I hate myself or the way I look. "Oh, yes, because you are the same age, that makes it "love" rather than "obsession." Nowhere do I claim that age is the defining line between love and obsession. "Are you still 150 pounds overweight?" More like 120 pounds. I lost a lot during my bout with anorexia caused by antidepressants. " Yup, you're not in misery at all, are you?" I never claimed not to be in misery. "I note that you have a therapist. How long have you been paying him/her?" I have been seeing Galen since the first week in January 2001. I pay $20 co-pay per visit; my HMO pays the remaining $65 per visit. "How long is it going to take him/her to fix YOU????" I have no idea. "you've written 160 entries and are still hoping to be introduced to "Mr. Happy." " You betcha. A girl can dream, can't she? "And this is different from my situation, HOW?????" Just a few differences: You are a musician and I can't carry a tune. You live somewhere other than I. I'll bet we look nothing alike, and I'll bet Mike and Wayne look nothing alike. Anyway, I didn't offer up my situation as ideal. I would not suggest that anyone emulate me in my friendship with Wayne. "Physician, heal thyself." I'm not a physician. And I'm doing my best to heal myself, with help from medication, mental health professionals, and my friends and family. TOW, I responded to your statements about contemplating suicide and how miserable you were. Those were your words. I stand by my suggestion that you might consider resuming therapy and explore other medications to ease that misery. kjsysed@hotmail.com

---Notes---

2001-06-21 08:33:25 Nice Cat
Damn girl you are too awesome. This entry just shows how much character you have. Yet another thing that I admire about you. ^..^

2001-06-21 10:01:25 Authentic Woman
WOW Jane~I've been negligent for far too long. Like you, I think that leaving a comment should be a priviledge associated with a name. Nastiness and being judgemental should not come into play. Keep your chin up and head held high. You did good. By the way, you obviously know who the commenter was, I would love to check out their entries and journal site as well. AW

2001-06-21 10:32:03 Keana2
Groupie here! ROFLMAO! One score for Jane!

---End notes---

2001-06-21 11:03:04 Belated happy father's day

Many of you wrote lovely pieces for father's day. I kind of zone out on father's day since my dad died nearly four years ago. I'll write in depth about him on the anniversary of his death. In the meantime, let me write a tribute to the best living dad, indeed, one of the best men I've ever known -- my brother Ken. Ken is two and a half years younger than I. He and I have the same complexion and the same hair color and texture. When we were teen-agers, people thought we were twins, we looked so much alike. My little brother is a classic example of how one can overcome serious problems to become an extraordinary person. As alike as we looked, we both had physical weaknesses. I had gynecologic problems. Ken had rheumatoid arthritis. I overate. Ken smoked cigarettes and abused alcohol and drugs. Ken got through college in five years, despite his substance abuse. He finally dealt with his problem by going to Alcoholic Anonymous. He's been clean and sober for more than 20 years, and still attends AA meetings several times a week. Ken met Peg at an AA meeting. They fell in love and moved to San Francisco where she attended art school. Ken and Peg got married, and had a daughter, Rachel. Peg also had a son, Josh, from a previous relationship. Ken accepted Josh as his own. To this day, Josh who is 27, calls Ken "Dad."Ken and Peg both worked in a professional photo processing lab. Perhaps you've seen the big coffee table books series "A Day in the Life Of …" Their lab processed the photos for those books. But my brother had another career dream -- to be a firefighter. He applied but was turned down several times by the city of San Francisco. He joined with other black applicants and filed a class-action suit against the city. The plaintiffs prevailed, and my brother was admitted to basic firefighter training. The legal battle had taken so long, however, that my brother was 40 years old. A 40-year-old rookie, doing training with men and women half his age. He prevailed, and has been a firefighter since. Peg left the marriage. She had some different ideas about how things should be for her. She did not want full-time responsibility for raising Rachel. Ken got custody of Rachel, but for reasons I still don't understand, he had to pay Peg alimony for several years. Josh was always a difficult child who eventually left home before age 18 and started dealing drugs. He has been convicted and done time several times. Each time he is released from prison, Josh lives with Ken, not his birth mother, Peg. Rachel is an extraordinary young woman. She just graduated from high school and will attend UC Long Beach in the fall. Ken has done a remarkable job raising her. I am so proud of my little brother. kjsysed@hotmail.com

---Notes---

2001-06-21 11:05:48 BombshellBrunette
It's great to be proud of your little brother! Although I have to admit, I'm not! Hugz!

2001-06-21 15:36:17 Gigi33
I'd be proud too! And I'm sure he is proud of you. BTW, bravo on your debate response in previous entry. Gigi

2001-06-22 03:21:47 peacemaker
hey your brother has been through a lot,and came out unscathed. It is to his credit. He sounds like a persistent and courageous guy.............. I can't believe the attack on you personally from the other diarist. There is a biting and hostile tendency there. I find it interesting that she claims to have a Master's in psychology.

2001-06-22 09:48:59 Nice Cat
What a fine man! It's great to know they are out there. ^..^

2001-06-23 12:04:13 Asteri
You have an amazing brother. Just like you. :)

---End notes---

2001-06-22 09:36:47 Picture this

Head on over to: http://communities.msn.com/JaneSkyeSobe sure to go to the second page. i've upoaded new pix of mom and me, wayne and me and wayne.kjsysed@hotmail.com

---Notes---

2001-06-22 18:16:31 peacemaker
cool pictures!

2001-06-23 05:17:34 peacemaker
I liked the picture of the two of you; you look like a couple. I like the single of W2 in the blue shirt; he has a kindly smile.

2001-06-23 12:05:51 Asteri
Beautiful pictures. You and Wayne look beautiful together.

---End notes---

2001-06-23 17:53:21 Mailbag

Time to respond to comments from my friends over the last few day. Peace, glad you liked the pic I took of Wayne. He is not the most cooperative photographic subject. I caught him unaware and relaxed, just enjoying the scenery. Peace and Asteri, yes, Wayne and I do look like a couple, and we look good together, as if we belong together. You're not the only ones who have noticed that. We have a comfortable intimacy that speaks volumes. Nice Cat, whenever I hear that song by Salt 'n' Pepa, "What a Mighty Good Man," I think of my brother. Asteri, my brother and I are amazing, and that's because of our parents. Peace, you and your wife are raising two remarkable kids, and so are you, Asteri. No matter what else you do in life, knowing you've taken the lump of flesh that is a baby and turned him/her into a productive member of society has got to be your greatest triumph. AW, the anonymous poster to my diary is The Older Woman. There is a link to her diary a few entries earlier. If you have time, take a look. I'd really like to know what others think about her situation. She's a music teacher who has had a crush for four years on a young man who is now 19 -- which means the crush started when the boy was 15 or 16. The Older Woman claims to be in love with this boy, and has lurked around his house, followed his movements online, and generally behaved in a way that I find disturbing. Yes, Peace, The Older Woman does seem to be a little too eager to resort to vitriolic abuse. She's a good writer (except for that facile tripe she calls poetry), but gets defensive when readers suggest she's a few notes short of symphony. You've been on the receiving end of it, as well. And you, Peace, more than anyone I know, are all too aware of the damage inappropriate attention from an adult to a child can do.My concern is that this obsession will get further out of control to the point of harming the children she works with. Sadly, if The Older Woman refuses to get help on her own, she may find herself in the position of being forced into treatment.Or maybe not. Maybe I'm so bitter and suspicious that I can't see the beauty, devotion, longing and pure, chaste love that can exist between a thirty- or forty-something woman and a teen-ager entrusted to her care. Thanks for all your support. My Dear Diary truly is a magical place.kjsysed@hotmail.com

---Notes---

2001-06-23 19:24:47 Asteri
Hey! :) I get happy when you mention me in your diary. I didn't want to say anything about this lady you have written about but I think it's quite pathologic. I wish she realizes what she's doing before something bad happens. Did I tell you that you look a lot like your mother? {{{Big Hugs}}}

2001-06-24 08:44:05 peacemaker
I don't see tow as hurting Mike. He is well aware of her interest and has set limits consciously or not. Probably, with awareness is my guess. As Solo stated she like the present situation, but will inevitably be damaged herself. I feel sympathy for her but she is flying the plane in a self destructive manner and won't hear of any voice from the ground.

2001-06-24 13:20:40 Jane Skye So
excellent points, as always, Peace. The young man in question probably is well aware, and therefore, safe. thanks for putting my fears to rest.

2001-06-25 00:12:02 Solo
I haven't read TOW but I understand your concerns because it doesn't matter who the victim is or how much the paedophile bleats about loving the child damage is done when older people mess with developing minds/bodies but, at 19, I'd say he has the ability to set limits. If TOW really is a masters degree level psych then she didn't learn much at all if she isn't aware that where there is a power imbalance there is potential for abuse but then many people make it into powerful positions only to be shot down for misusing them. If she is willing to defend her position then she doesn't want to change and lets face it - focusing on the young can make one feel young so as long as she isn't harming him it's her life.

2001-06-25 14:10:20 Nice Cat
It's great to know that there are men out there like him. ^..^

---End notes---

2001-06-25 20:20:13 Meet the parents, part 2

Met Wayne's parents this afternoon before going to work. They blew into town with 12 hours notice on Thursday afternoon. They've been busy redecorating Wayne's apartment and sleeping, eating and watching TV. Wayne looked beat. He said it's like having two toddlers -- they run around like maniacs, then get cranky and tired but refuse to sleep. They also have very, um, simple tastes in food, so it's hard for Wayne to find places to take them to dinner. We were supposed to get together on Sunday, but Wayne said the 'rents were too beat. So he called me at 1 p.m. today to tell me they weren't at his place, when they walked in. So I showered and dressed and drove to Wayne's apartment. His mom did most of the talking, about the drapes she had made for Wayne, and about how beastly hot it was. The dad mostly nodded. I gave them a framed picture of Wayne that I had taken last week (some of you have seen it on my photo site). They are simple, homey folks, very pleasant. Wayne is nothing like them. Go figure. After I went to work, Wayne sent me an e-mail saying the 'rents liked me (what's not to like?) and he thought it was very nice of me to give them a picture of him. The most recent one they have is about five or six years old.*** The weekend was pretty uneventful. I finished convert my rock 'n' roll CDs to MP3 files on one computer. One hundred and fifty CDs. I have 1.7 gigs left on a 10-gigabyte hard drive. Now, I must tackle the show tunes. Still haven't scanned comix to sell them on ebay. Maybe next week, when I'll be off. But then I've got to go to another county to train a new user. And I have to take my mother to buy a recliner. The herniated disk and arthritis in her spine make it impossible for her to sleep all night in a bed. I hope I can buy one that comes in two parts show she can have it right away. Brad, the 19-year-old son of my systems partner, John, has been in hospital since Friday. Docs first said the Brad had hepatitis, then mono. Now, they have no idea. John says Brad is getting better, his temperature is down from its high of 103, and he's getting sleep. Sounds terribly scary for John and his family. kjsysed@hotmail.com

---Notes---

2001-06-25 21:52:01 Authentic Woman
ok already....you've now met the parents, you have this terrific friendship with W2, now if he'd only speed things up a notch so that those of us that are a tad bit controlling and obsessive compulsive can finally breathe a sigh of relief, I'd really appreciate it. I'm glad it went well for you. AW

2001-06-25 22:41:36 Solo
Glad all went well with the 'rents :)

2001-06-25 23:45:37 Emerald Dragon
Great photos and what a kind gesture. I bet his parents appreciated it greatly since the last one was ummm ~ not very recent. Hugs

2001-06-26 08:33:23 Nice Cat
Awww...they liked you. Of course they would, you are great! ^..^

2001-06-26 20:16:50 peacemaker
they have good judgement too!

2001-06-26 22:52:28 Asteri
I'm glad you had a great time with Wayne's parents. I'm praying tha Brad gets better ASAP. {{{Hugs}}}

---End notes---

2001-06-28 19:31:17 Woman's work

Just a brief entry. I've been rushed off my feet the last several days. John's son is out of hospital and home recovering. He had mono plus raging strep throat. Antibiotics and steroids have helped him. John is back at work. I took advantage of eBay's free listing day and posted some items without pictures. I will add photos this weekend; I scanned a bunch in this morning. Did another hypnotherapy session with Galen. I feel as if I've had a nap after these sessions; they're very restful and calming. I wish I could duplicate that same feeling at home in bed. It's beastly hot and, of course, the van's air-conditioning conks out. Dunno when I'll have time to get it fixed. DSL modem and three Webcams arrived from Verizon this week. Maybe they won't fail me this time and I'll be surfing at high speed on July 10. Haven't had time to play with my newly arrived Palm toys. Won't before Sunday. I have to take my mother on Saturday to buy a recliner. Her arthritis and herniated disk cause her great pain when she's sleeping and she hopes being in a semi-upright position will ease some of the pressure on her spine. Happy anniversary, Bernadette and Eddie!kjsysed@hotmail.com

---Notes---

2001-06-29 07:53:57 Nice Cat
Hope your mommy feels better. ^..^

---End notes---

2001-06-30 20:24:14 Aging mom

I’m back from my mother’s, and from a cow-orker's going-away party. I hit the kids’ shift at the party, and there were way too many ankle-biters about. What is it with parents who thrust their infant into your arms, whether you want to hold the sticky rugrats or not? Too often with me, infants get a look at (or handful of) my, um, well-endowed chestal area and think “All you can eat!”Things turned ugly when I mistook a really tiny baby for a mutant chicken and started basting the tot with barbecue sauce. Luckily, just then, a thunderstorm blew through and I escaped in the ensuing deluge.It was a far more difficult visit with my mother. Mom seems to have aged 10 years in the two weeks since Wayne and I visited. She uses a cane to walk, and she wants to get a walker. She had a bruise over her right eye. She says she has terrible nightmares and got the bruise when she fell out of bed during one. Now she has pillows and cushions piled on the side of the bed in case it happens again.She finally agreed to hire a maid service like I have to clean her house, because she’s not up to it. She takes nearly a dozen medications daily, including codeine for her spinal pain and an over-the-counter sleeping pill. She has an MRI, sigmoidoscopy and some other ghastly procedure skedded for next week.Plus, she almost killed the both of us when she didn’t notice a red light. It was only when I screamed “Light!” that she slammed on the brakes and we just barely avoided skidding into the intersection.Shit. She might not be able to live without assistance much longer. Fortunately, the retirement community has apartments if she can’t stay in the house. She doesn’t have to cook cuz she can take her meals at the dining hall.Mom’s mindis still sharp, and she has a very positive attitude despite all her discomfort. Eight months ago, she was snorkeling in the Pacific Ocean. I guess this is the first time it really hit me that she’s on the inevitable slide down. This makes me very sad.Anyway, we got to Lazy Boy and I bought a recliner for her to sit in when lying flat on her back is too painful. It allegedly will be delivered on July 4.In other news, still no bids on my stuff on eBay, although I got another e-mail inquiry about the Zap comics. Well, there are still five days.yz69kj@skuz.net

---Notes---

2001-06-30 22:43:44 Keana2
aww Im sorry to hear about your mom........

2001-07-01 01:53:50 peacemaker
difficult time in life.......... the inevitable slide is a tough time to face. I know you and your mom are very close. I hope she can find some comfort in the new Lazy boy.

2001-07-01 07:46:23 Toyota
I wish you all the best. I know that it is heart-wrenching to see your Mother that way... I will be thinking of you...

2001-07-01 13:02:53 Asteri
Seeing our loved ones age is very difficult. I know she'll be fine. I most concerned about you. :) Take it easy and remember this is part of the cycle of life. {{{Hugs}}}

2001-07-01 16:15:43 Emerald Dragon
Sorry to hear that you are having to face some of the tougher realities of life. Laxy boys can be great instruments of comfort. After I had a kidney removed I think I lived in my lazy boy for a week or more. Hope it helps your Mom too. I'll keep you in my prayers. HUGS

---End notes---

2001-07-01 23:52:20 Big issues

Spent a pleasant Sunday afternoon and evening with Wayne. We installed two more concrete blocks on the edge of my driveway and Wayne watched while I scrubbed mildew from the bathroom ceiling. We went to a sports bar for dinner, then stopped at the grocery cuz we both needed stuff. Back at my place we talked for a few hours. Domestic work around the house? Grocery shopping? Nah, we’re not a couple. I had one serious topic to discuss with Wayne. I had been making notes all week, and then my visit with my mother yesterday made it seem even more important. I had already given a friend, Mike, and my brother medical power of attorney. I asked Wayne if I could add him to the list (always have a backup, I say) and he readily agreed. And when I shuffle off this mortal coil, I’ve designated that any useable organs be harvested, and my body be donated to the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. I will revise my will this month, as it’s been three years since I first had it drawn up. A few things have changed. Rachel will be 18 next month, so I need to designate that money go to her rather than a trust. She’ll be an adult; might as well let her be responsible for her finances. Gina and Mike will remain as executors. I now have substantial life insurance, courtesy of my beneficient employer when I became management. That will go to Rachel. The rest of my monetary estate (stocks, bonds, mutual funds, IRAs, 401(k), etc) after taxes, debts and fees are paid, will be divided among two journalism organizations and the SPCA. I have also designated $15,000 to whoever takes my cats, to provide for their upkeep and vet care. That leaves real and personal property: my house, my car, jewelry, electronic equipment, books and music. I’m leaving Gina and Rachel the jewelry. And I’m leaving Wayne the house, its contents, and the car. He was, understandably, shocked to hear this. I explained that Wayne has done more work on this house than anyone. And the house means so much to me, I wouldn’t want it sold off by strangers. Wayne agreed, although he still seemed nonplused. I’ll write up the changes and get them to my lawyer on my four days off this week. Don’t worry, friends, I’m not planning on dying anytime soon. But I worked damn hard all my life to earn what I have, and I’ll be ice-skating in hell before I let the state decide what happens to it. I was talking to Wayne about how My Dear Diary has helped me see things in other people that I also feel or do. I told him how, after reading so many diaries in which women blame their looks or their weight for their lack of a satisfactory life, I had stopped doing that. I still think that, during my bad moments, but I no longer believe that I’m ugly or a freak. Wayne said he recalls this scene at my housewarming party in June 1998: Wayne, Gina and I were in my bedroom watching a baseball game. I was nestled in my chair-and-a-half, and I said, apparently without provocation, “I’m a hideous monster.” Wayne, who had known me for all of two months, was stunned. Gina, who had heard this before, just waved her hand, he said. I have NO memory of this. It is amazing, though, that I was so filled with self-loathing that even at a good time – a party in my lovely new home with my friends – I voiced my hatred of myself. I almost cried when Wayne told me that story. I thought then that it was perfectly normal to view myself as hideous. It was so ingrained into my psyche that I expressed it as casually as one might say “Have a nice day.” Hell’s bells, I was majorly fucked up then. Yet, if anyone had asked, I would have said I was happy with my life. I didn’t feel depressed, and I wasn’t on medication. I still have bouts of low self-esteem. But I no longer believe I’m hideous. I actually like what I see in the mirror sometimes. I still have a long way to go, but this little story has brought it into sharp perspective. I have gotten better.yz69kj@skuz.net

---Notes---

2001-07-02 01:37:43 Caramel Queen
you're not the first diarist whose said MDD has been therapeutic... and best of all - it's free! bravo for you, Jane... it's all in how we perceive ourselves - what we think we are, we become...

2001-07-02 11:39:14 Asteri
I never cease to admire you even more. You're an amazing and brilliant woman Kasey. And an exellent example to follow. {{{Big Hugs}}}

2001-07-02 21:15:59 Keana2
you've come along way baby! you rock!

2001-07-03 02:56:30 peacemaker
hey, you have found a friend in Wayne also; that friendship has seen you through a difficult depression and he stood by you as a friend, an intimate friend. I am jealous of your intimacy with him even though it is in a measure incomplete. My relationship is parrallel in some ways with my wife, we share much less of our internal lives than you and Wayne do as a matter of course.

2001-07-03 03:02:25 peacemaker
In many ways we revise the concept of ourselves only by sharing ourselves with others and testing these new hypotheses. You have found that you have value and are a valueable person to many of us here. Certainly no monster! It was so good of Wayne to bring that up to you, so you could discuss it.

2001-07-03 10:47:10 Authentic Woman
It's a great thing that you have found self acceptance and peace. Like Peace, I think that your friendship with W2 is much deeper than some/many marriages. I will be happy when I can be in the same emotional place that you are in. Self accpetance and love elude me. AW

2001-07-05 03:10:32 Solo
Sometimes I wish I could prescribe MDD for my clients it can be so therapeutic :)

---End notes---

2001-07-06 00:27:14 Nothing much

My sorta week off is almost at an end and I haven’t done anywhere near the stuff I intended. I haven’t scanned a single comic book cover; I haven’t installed any of the three games on my computer; I haven’t cleaned my office or installed the DSL filters. Here’s what I did get done: Cleared paper recyclables from sunroom.Oil changed in minivan. Cancelled MSN service. Installed and uninstalled Palm Pilot, which left me with unusable Microsoft Outlook. Still must mail Palm and peripherals back and get credit. Installed Handspring Visor, a Palm clone, and got it to synch and work. Input phone numbers to Visor and desktop software. Did major purging of programs on both IBM machines. Made air and hotel reservations for my two conventions next month. Sold one non-comic item on eBay, though winner has yet to contact me. I think I’m going to be stiffed. So far, this eBay thing has been a lesson in expensive frustration. Got lots of sleep. Ate fairly well. Took meds every day. Mostly I kept to myself. A couple at work invited me to take the train to D.C. to see the fireworks. I declined, and I’m glad I did, cuz it was pouring with rain the whole time. The recliner I bought for my mother was delivered on July 4. She likes it. She has spent most of this week undergoing medical tests. I hope some results point to the cause and treatment of her back pain. Nothing exciting, I’ll agree. That suits me just fine. yz69kj@skuz.net

---Notes---

2001-07-06 00:48:13 truthseeker
I think its good not morbid that your'e thinking about future things like wills etc.Funny thing I've been thinking about mine the past few days and its so far out of date its not funny. Needs a complete overhaul so I've made that my project for next week.Hope your Mom is feeling better.

2001-07-06 01:58:03 y2kbugged
if you call a province in canada a state... yes she was... how's she find out..???.. the ex was just to glad to rat me out for anything and everything... nuff sed!!!

2001-07-06 12:22:25 Asteri
That's a very busy week for me. :)

---End notes---

2001-07-07 06:42:59 Life is a journey, not a destination

If anyone knows who wrote this, please let me know. I'd like to give him/her credit. This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend. Dear, I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them. I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank. "Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now. I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I'd like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was. I'm guessing; I'll never know. It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God. yz69kj@skuz.net

---Notes---

2001-07-07 07:49:11 Azarias
That is so beautiful...

2001-07-07 09:57:54 Authentic Woman
this is way cool and a great philosphy to live by. AW

2001-07-07 13:51:05 Asteri
For about a year or so, I've been trying to live like that and I don't regret it...

2001-07-07 19:06:41 peacemaker
I'm getting there, less focused on making others happy at the expense of my own independence.

---End notes---

2001-07-08 20:07:03 Shame and loathing

Hang on for a rambling ride. My muddled brain is going in a thousand directions, and I want to get everything down, no matter how nonlinear. I’m in one of my self-loathing moods; you’ve been warned.I feel the despair squid’s slimy tentacles, waiting for a chance to grab me. The cause? I have to go back to work tomorrow. It’s not that I had such productive week off. I did get a lot of sleep, and no longer feel tired. I have had nightmares; mostly they involve me running from someone through a decaying urban center. Go figure.But being away from work often reinforces how miserable the job makes me. I checked my work e-mail and I could feel the msucles in my jaw getting tight. I was irritated with the simplest of requests. I wanted to scream, “Take care of yourselves, you big babies!” See why I never had children? I’m also fairly stressed about my mother. She is in the hurry-up-and-wait stages after having a series of tests last week. The codeine is only giving her minimal relief, as is the Lazy Boy recliner. Asteri is right, this is part of the cycle of life. Like most other people, I don’t fear her death; I fear her suffering. I fear her losing independence, her ability to enjoy life. It already seems her life is an endless round of doctors’ visits and medical tests. For now she is able to drive herself to them; I’m not certain how long that will last. It would be nice if we all lived to be healthy and active at 99 and then died peacefully in our sleep.My mother will be 76 next month. I watched my father’s slow decline from self-inflicted mistreatment: smoking, excessive drinking, refusal to exercise, refusal to keep mentally and socially active. He died at age 72. I foolishly thought that my mother, who hasn’t smoked for 30 years, is a teetotaler, swims a half-mile three times a week, and has a social calendar more full than the First Lady’s, wouldn’t deteriorate.I also spend my week off trying to branch out socially and contact some men for a relationship. I’m still in unrequited love with Wayne; his friendship means a great deal to me, and I don’t want to give it up. But unless I whack Wayne upside the head with a laser level, duct-tape him to my bed and coax Mr. Happy out with a vise grip (yes, I have all those tools), ours will probably not be a sexual, romantic relationship.So I answered about a dozen personal ads on a couple of sites. One each one, I gave a link to my Web site, which has my picture right on the first page. I don’t want anyone to be think I match this society’s idea of beauty.So far, not a single e-mail back. Rejection. I know, I know – I’m a beautiful, smart, funny, sexy woman with a lot a love to give a man worthy of such attention. I know, I know – any man who rejects me strictly on the basis of a picture is a shallow asshole and not worth a second thought. I know that I’ll need to answer a hundred ads before I get one suitable response. I know, I’m 49, far too old and wise to get worked up over men’s failings.It’s silly and self-indulgent of me to entertain these thoughts. I’ll banish them soon.*****Got the palm keyboard mailed off to the buyer in hawaii. The final tally for my first successful eBay sale: $45 -- paid by seller 1.75 -- eBay commission 5.05 postage and insurance 1.29 PayPal commission (the financial intermediary; no way am i dealing with money orders or bounced checks) total profit: $36.91 My future comix auctions will include a flat $10 postage and insurance fee. I got my hair done on Friday. I get the dreads twisted at this, um, salon next to a moviehouse that is a national landmark. There is no running water; the women who work there are allowed to use the restrooms of the other businesses in the block. I wash my hair before I go there Do you remember the "Seinfeld" episode in which Elaine gets her nails done at the salon where all the workers are Korean and she's certain they're dissing her in their native language? Where I go, the women are from Senegal, and while I can pick out a few French words and phrases from their patois, I have no clue what they're saying. I tip very heavily in a transparent effort to curry favor with them. Verizon continues to taunt me, three days before DSL is supposed to be activated. Karl called me this afternoon. After we talked for several minutes, I heard dialing and a man started to speak. I spoke, and the conversation went something like this:Me: I’m sorry, the lines seem to have crossed.Man (to other man): There’s some woman on the other line.Me: (huffily) I didn’t do this on purpose.Man: Well, hang up!Me: You hang up! I was here first.At this point, another caller came on. There were five people on my line! It was like those party lines we had during the 1950s.I rang off from Karl, and tried for about 10 minutes to call him back. Everytime I picked up the receiver, someone else was on the line.So I used my other phone line, the one that’s just for my computer modem. But Karl lives in another state, and I don’t have long-distance service on this line, so I had to dial 10-10-321. What a mess!Well, gonna try to rest now. Gotta be strong to face the Nightmare on Calvert Street tomorrow.yz69kj@skuz.net

---Notes---

2001-07-08 21:18:23 Emerald Dragon
Its always tough to go back to work after time off. I will suffer from some of the same dread on Tuesday. I took Friday and Monday off. Sending sunny thoughts your way.

2001-07-09 01:52:50 Asteri
I know the feeling when it comes to men from ads. Good luck my dear friend! The line episode was funny. :) I hope you enjoy this week back to work. {{{Hugs}}}

2001-07-10 00:01:14 Solo
Hope your return to work won't be as bad as you expect. I have come to the conclusion that they don't make men properly. If they did I would have found at least one who was worth having by now ;) As for the 15 min orgasm - yeah I did not tell her she was lying but if this sort of ego stroking is what the singer is used to then I will be of no use to him at all *G*

---End notes---

2001-07-11 01:09:14 Life in the fast lane

Yee haw! I am blazing on the Infobahn at 829 kbps per second! DSL installed with few hitches. We’ll see how long it keeps working.Going back to work wasn’t as bad as I feared. Prick boy and I spent an hour trying to get a 10-year-old version of LapLink to work on a Windows NT machine. Only prick boy would keep ancient software around and try to use it.Today he said my carelessness resulted in a shipment of 25 Logitech mouses being stolen. Who knew there was such a black market for those input devices?I called Wayne when I couldn’t sleep Monday morning and we talked for three hours about serious stuff and frivolous stuff. He made me laugh, as always, and I made him think, as always.I’m getting excited about my convention trips next month. I’m especially looking forward to Disney World, even though I will be there at the end of August and the heat and humidity will probably keep me from doing a lot. But the hotel I’m staying at has several pools, 17 restaurants, free transportation to all the surrounding attractions. The first night of the convention, Disney is giving us free run of Universal Studios.And I always see long-time, far-flung friends. It’s like a big reunion. And I might actually do some work-related stuff. yz69kj@skuz.net

---Notes---

2001-07-11 09:43:46 Emerald Dragon
I love conventions too as they allow you to exchange thoughts with peers in you field and also have some fun in a city you might have otherwise never visited. I know you are excitied about seeing Mouse World ! Free run of Universal with out the regular lines , now that sounds like a hoot! Hope your day is great !

2001-07-11 11:16:02 Keana2
cool!

2001-07-11 11:20:20 Asteri
Have fun!! :)

2001-07-11 19:04:48 JackieL15
Sounds like fun, and if prick boy really bugs you then tell him off, cause life is too short to live with annoying people who, most of the time, are unaware of their annoying qualities

---End notes---

2001-07-12 09:02:59 Cast of characters

Me: Jane Skye So (it’s an anagram of my real name) known to pals as Kasey. At age 49, growing older and wiser. I’m a computer system administrator for a major metropolitan daily newspaper.Wayne (formerly W2): the close friend and colleague for whom I have an unrequited love and lust.Mom: my 75-year-old mother who lives in a retirement community 40 miles away.John L.: My co-worker in computer administration.Gina: My closest female colleague.Sharon: one of my closest friends since high school.Prick boy: my supervisor.Nightmare on Calvert Street: My workplace.(l)users: my clueless, computer-impaired co-workers.Cow-orkers: See (l)users.The lovely abode: My house.Rudy, Tasha and Mambo: my cats.Charm City: The decaying metropolis I insist on living in, because somebody from the middle class has to.Ken: My brother, the firefighter.Rachel: My brother’s daughter, my niece.Galen: my therapist.The despair squid: the persona I’ve given to my depression.Spell checker: The tool that exists on every computer in the universe except, apparently, the ones used by my wonderful friends on MDD.yz69kj@skuz.net

---Notes---

2001-07-12 10:14:02 Authentic Woman
ya know, it's funny that I feel like I know all of these people, places, and things. Have a great week. AW

2001-07-12 13:02:33 Fyresetter
haw haw very funny and enlightening entry, esp like the comment about spellcheck [i dont use it, cant you tell?]

2001-07-12 16:39:49 peacemaker
I hope you keep that squid at bay or in the bay. I passed the quiz as an insider. Hang in there, Kasey.

2001-07-13 01:47:33 Asteri
I use the spell checker, I swear! :P

---End notes---

2001-07-16 00:35:53 Tedium

Not much good going on this weekend, just a lot of tedium and annoying stuff.The cats have fleas. This is the first time in 15 years that my pets, who never go outside, had fleas. Got flea collars, and have been combing through their hair to get the fleas and the debris off their skin. What fun.My brand shiny new DSL went down exactly 24 hours after I installed it. Luckily, the evil Verizon restored service in eight hours.I have not been sleeping much lately. Two hours one night, 90 minutes another. Will be seeing the psychiatrist for quarterly medication check on Tuesday. I will ask him for some sleeping pills. I have refused sleeping pills even when offered for more than 10 years because they knocked me out and made me feel groggy all day. But I’m a middle-aged woman now, and I can’t go merrily along without sleep any more.My mother called with unpleasant news about her health. The MRI showed that she has not one, not two, but THREE herniated disks in the lumbar region of her spine. That rules out any chance of surgery to ease the pain she’s suffering. And she is suffering terribly. She can’t walk without a cane or walker, and the codeine she had been taking for pain is no longer strong enough. Her doctor referred her to a pain management clinic. She will probably have cortisone injections. I had them in my wrist for carpal tunnel syndrome, and they didn’t help. I hope Mom fares better.The only mildly amusing thing occurred Sunday night. Karl had called me Saturday afternoon, but I didn’t call him back until 10 p.m. Sunday. We had talked for about 10 minutes, when Karl’s Call Waiting Caller ID beeped. “You’ll never believe who this is,” Karl said to me. “It’s Wayne.” I guess great minds think alike. I know Karl was pleased that we both returned his call. I rang off so Karl and Wayne could do their male bonding thing.yz69kj@skuz.net

---Notes---

2001-07-16 00:59:16 truthseeker
I'm sorry about your Mom - its a curse getting older-seems to lead to aches and pain for all of us. I started getting wrist pain from the computer almost immediately I purchased it so got a gel filled wrist support and like magic that disappeared.Also suffer from chronic back pain so I know about pain.Hard to get sympathy sometimes from some if theres no obvious ailment.Take care.

2001-07-16 10:19:33 Keana2
Saying prayers for you to sleep well and mom to feel relatively painless.

2001-07-18 15:58:20 Nice Cat
Sorry to hear about your mom. ^..^

---End notes---

2001-07-18 21:30:05 More trouble in Charm City

(AP) — State highway officials close all major roadways into Baltimore.Yes, MDD readers, it's another fun day in Charm City. A freight train derails in a downtown tunnel Wednesday and sends hazardous smoke billowing throughout the city. Your own Jane Skye So and 650,000 of her neighbors, used to avoiding drug dealers, hookers, lunatics, robbers, thieves and syphilitics; adept at dodging streets scattered with condoms, hypodermic needles, rats, possums, pigeons, mice, foxes and killer dogs; easily careening on roads populated by no-license, cell-phone-talking, yellow-means-speed-up drivers, now must contend with the possibility of having our lungs burned by airborne hydrochloric acid. The inevitable has happened: The city is now cut off from outsiders. Do not worry about me, friends. Although the nightmare on Calvert Street is less than a mile from the derailment, I've not felt (cough) the effects (wheeze) of the acid cloud (gasp) now serving as the sky (choke). Look for Charm City on the news tonight and tomorrow morning. I'll keep you posted from ground zero.yz69kj@skuz.net

---Notes---

2001-07-18 21:36:54 Debbs
OMG!!!! going to turn on the news now. Hope you can get ahold of some of those face masks. I use them for woodworking ...wish I could get some to you. Be careful.

2001-07-18 22:18:27 Keana2
Lmao. I see you're as always making light of the situation. Are you really that close? How scary. Take care.

2001-07-19 11:53:51 Emerald Dragon
My prayers are with you and all others in your city today that soon this disaster will soon be gone. HUGS

---End notes---

2001-07-19 01:32:29 More unpleasantness

Hydrochloric spill still out of control. I drove home, 7 miles north of the accident, and could see some haze. Morning rush hour downtown will be a nightmare. Get gory details at www.sunspot.net.This was a dramatic part of a troubling day. Tuesday night, seeing that the flea collars weren’t working, I sprayed the cats with flea killer from the grocery. It said it was for cats.Wednesday, as I was getting reading to go to work, I realized I had not seen Tasha all morning. I when in the basement looking for her. She was in a cluttered corner. She was glad to see me, but was very weak and sluggish and was drooling. Figuring she was having a reaction to the flea spray, I took her to the vet. They gave her an oatmeal bath to rid her skin and fur of any insecticide residue. Tasha is staying at the vet overnight for blood tests. I’ll get her home Thursday morning. The other two cats suffered no ill effects.Scene from work: I’m in the ladies’ room and one of co-workers is there, her eyes red-rimmed. I ask if she’s OK, she says, “Yeah, it’s just this story I’m editing that’s getting to me.”At this point, I’m washing my hands, so I have my back to her. She continues about the story in which the man who went hunting and left his 2-year-old in his truck. The boy left the truck, wandered off and was later found in the woods frozen to death. The father was sentenced to 30 days in jail and was to begin his sentence today. When he didn’t surrender, authorities went looking for him. They found the father, dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound, in the woods near where his son’s body had been found.A sad story, sure, I said. I finish washing my hands and I turn to the co-worker. She is crying – I mean tears, sobs, heaves, the whole deal. I realize this isn’t about some sad but too-common news story we deal with all the time. But I know better than to ask any questions at this point.So I put my arms around the co-worker and held her and stroked her hair still she composed herself.I’m telling this story for several reasons. One: I cannot see similar scene happening in a men’s room. B: Some people think I’m this bitter, cynical, sarcastic geek bitch. Maybe. But I’m kind and caring and generous. Too bad so few people understand that. 3: Sometimes just letting someone know they’re not alone, even without understanding what caused the distress, is the right thing. This co-worker and I are not close, really just acquaintances, but I couldn’t ignore her pain. I’ve always felt that’s kind of like failing to stop and render aid, which is a crime if you do it in a car.Over the winter, when I was crying at work at lot of the time, people would come into the RISH, see me red-eyed and in tears, and would literally run back out of the RISH. I guess they felt by not asking me to do whatever work they needed from me was enough. They were wrong.vze2stqp@verizon.net

---Notes---

2001-07-19 02:15:51 truthseeker
You are a very caring person - I can tell that so clearly from your writing - also very sensitive both regarding your own feelings and others. Sometimes I wish I had been born with a thick skin but I wasn't so I get hurt very very easily.Glad the cats are OK-Your co worker was lucky indeed to have you there.

2001-07-19 08:44:33 Debbs
Thanks for comment, Skye. I agree that we do seem to have many things in common. I am glad to meet you and am looking forward to getting to know you better. Please stay out of that acid air.

2001-07-19 09:47:06 Keana2
I've always known you were a caring giving person. No surprise to me. ((Hugs))

2001-07-19 10:55:10 Toyota
I could always tell that you were/are caring...and what happened with the co-worker just reinforces that...I would have done the same thing. I'm telling ya...you, AW, Keana2, me, and some others should get together and have a hen party (oh and Pele and Gigi33) I am sure I have left out others..We could invite the men too... and just have a get togehter.. Peace, Yorkshireman, etc... OMG can you even imagine the talking going around that room!

2001-07-19 16:48:52 Nice Cat
In Baltimore huh? Not so far from me. I don't see you that as cynical at all. You've always been very supportive of me, and that's meant a helluva lot more than you could ever know. ^..^

2001-07-20 17:00:44 SherylM
I don't know why I haven't seen your diary until now but I'm glad I found it. My first impression of you, of course, after reading this entry, is that you are a very sensitive, caring person. I just can picture the "geek b!tch" after this entry!

2001-07-20 17:01:42 SherylM
OOPS! That was supposed to say I just can't picture you as a "geek b!tch" after this entry.

2001-07-21 00:07:52 Authentic Woman
Yes, Jane, this happened very close to me in the same state less then a 30 minute drive. What's so sad is that this man did nothing more or less than any of the rest of us have done probably. I can see the logic behind what he did when he let his sleeping child stay sleeping, however, it just turned badly for him. I feel that he couldn't forgive himself or face the judgementalness of people in this state. But, I have NEVER thought of you as a BITCH; no, not ever. We all see the caring, nurturing side of you. I'm glad you were able to be there for that woman. AW

2001-07-22 01:18:13 Asteri
You are a wonderful and caring person, I've always known that. :)

2001-07-24 19:05:47 peacemaker
hey same as said above. I think because you are sensitive you resonded to her from the heart. So nice that you were there for her! ................I remember some silent tears at breakfast with my former assisitant sup when he told me FYI that a kid had been sexually abused by his dad the night before and we had to report it.......... It triggered a reaction that brought back a 30 year old memory of earlier in my career working with kids. This suicidal kid attempted suicide on my watch. He had turned in his dad for the sexual abuse and unwittingly broke up the entire family as a result. I always felt bad for that kid.

---End notes---

2001-07-21 23:20:24 Blue skies and sleep

No more acid sky; the worst of the mess has been cleaned up. Effects for the city linger. Only today were the Orioles able to play; the wreck was almost directly under Camden Yards. An Internet cable was cut, bring down WorldCom’s East Coast backbone. Traffic will be snarled around the repair area for weeks. Mercifully, the only injuries were minor lung irritation suffered by some firefighters. Tasha my cat is home and all better. Just an allergic reaction to commercial flea treatment. The vet gave me Frontline for all three cats. Let’s hope it works; my poor kitties are scratching up a storm. On Thursday, I took a Heartsaver course with seven of my co-workers. It was long and strenuous – giving CPR is hard work. But I’m ready now for emergencies. And finally, I got some sleep. I got home about 10:30 p.m. Friday and went straight to bed. I awoke around 2 a.m., took my meds and went back to bed. slept until 6a.m. Checked e-mail, did other computer stuff and watched TV until 8 a.m., went back to bed. slept until 10 a.m. put some stuff on eBay, called my mother (see below), back to bed at 11 a.m.; slept until 2 p.m. I haven’t eaten all day, but I’m not hungry. Maybe I’ll go to the all-night diner after “Iron Chef” is on. I talked with my mom. She detailed for me exactly how disabled she is. Mom can walk only 15 steps without pain, even with the cane or walker. By 30 steps, the pain in her back is so intense that she must sit down. She has a cane that also converts to a little stool, so she can sit on that if nothing else is available. I'm going to help her get handicapped tags for her car. Mom met with the neurologist, who confirmed that there is nothing that can be done to stop the degeneration. One of those scooters or even a wheelchair is not far behind, I fear, because she seems to have gotten so much worse so quickly. In December, she was walking the woods looking for birds in Hawaii. Even when Wayne and I visited her last month, she was able to walk slowly, but unassisted. Her HMO wanted her to go to a pain management clinic in another fucking state, which is way too far for her to drive in her condition. She's appealed to them to let her go to one in closer. Bastards. Wayne has only Sunday off next week. He swapped days off so he could have a three-day weekend when his sister and her family visit from Alaska next month. He’s going to the ballgame on Monday before work, where he’ll sit in the publisher’s skybox.I told him to remember to put sunblock on any exposed areas.vze2stqp@verizon.net

---Notes---

2001-07-22 01:15:35 Asteri
I'm really sorry to hear that about your mom. Try to be as positive as possible whenever you're close to her. I'm sure seeing you like that, will make her want to stay as strong as she can. I'm praying for her... {{{Hugs}}}

2001-07-22 08:58:23 Emerald Dragon
Good to hear that the have the accident uner control and that the city is beginning to function again. Why do insurance companies always make it difficult for poeple to get teh treatment they need. I hope that pain mamgement will help ease the chore of day to day living for your Mom. I too will lift up pryaer for her. Frontline works great for dogs and cats. Was concerned for your poor kitty too. hate to see my pets sick so I understand. Glad she sufferered no long lasting effects. Hope that your day is great !

2001-07-22 09:31:47 Debbs
Hi Jane, I was reading back a few entries where you said you would be asking your Dr. for sleep medication. I just wanted to let you know that I took 10 mg of Ambien 3 nights a week for 1 year. Just to assure that I did get enough sleep. It will totally knock you out for about 5 hours and you wake up NOT groggy or sleepy. And I came right off of it when I felt I could. Now I just use melatonin when I need it. It was a great drug for me. Just thought I would let you know. I am so sorry about your mom. It is so hard to see someone in pain and not be able to do anything to help. I just cant understand why with all of the miracle drugs of today that people continue to have to endure such agony. I sure hope someone can find a way to help her. You are in my thoughts.

2001-07-22 19:40:13 truthseeker
Thank you Jane for your kind words. I really hope your Mom gets some relief from this pain.Life can be so cruel but we just have to go on best we can.Take care.

2001-07-23 12:43:47 Nice Cat
Sorry to hear about your mother. Hopefully the Nazi HMO bastards will see allow her to go to the nearer clinic. ^..^

Diary backup Part 3

2007-03-30T19:49:00.000-07:00

2001-09-22 08:32:31 Debbs
OMG!!! My kindergarteners can function on a computer better than that!!! Hope you can have a restful day today. Enjoy those dove bars. have you tried the snickers cones? They are AWESOME!!!

2001-09-22 12:26:48 Emerald Dragon
What a hetic day to say the least !!! Hope that the weekend provides you nothing but the quite and comfort of home and the company of good friends.

---End notes---

2001-09-22 23:00:16 Adult education

Survived another week mano a mano with prick boy. I think I forced him to back off when I tracked down a quicker way for really remote correspondents (like the two we have in Islamabad now) to access the 'Net and file stories. Spent most of today watching TV (the Orioles suck, but it's Cal Ripken's swan song season, so it's interesting) and getting dribs and drabs of news. I'm leaning toward taking a trip to NYC next month. Hotels, restaurants and Broadway shows are hurting, and therefore have great rates. I'll likely be able to see any play or musical I choose, and stay at a 4-star hotel for less than half the normal rack rate. This will be a trip just for me, without Wayne or Mom. More time to myself, to do some of my favorite things. There's a good chance I could get to see "The Producers," the top Broadway show, which previously was sold out through next year. Anyway, Wayne and I are still haggling over where our road trip will be. In conversation with Mom this evening, she said Rachel (her only grandchild and my niece) is terribly homesick at college and wants to go back to San Francisco from Long Beach, where she just started attending Cal State last month. Ken, who is her dad and my brother, has been talking to her by phone twice daily to try to convince her to stick it out. I know EXACTLY how Rachel feels. I was horribly homesick in my three quarters at Northeastern University. I was away from home for the first time; my roomate and I did not get along; I was struggling through huge classes and impersonal teachers; I hated the cafeteria food, but couldn't afford to eat anywhere else; I hated going from being the smartest person in the class to just another bright student; I hated having to work so hard for mediocre grades. Frankly, I don't know how I lasted as long as I did. I spent hours running up huge phone bills (this was well before the breakup of AT&T) talking with my parents, my boyfriend, my friends back home. I wanted nothing more than to be back in my room on Irving Street. In a roundabout way, that homesickness worked to my advantage.I had chosen Northeastern U. because of its cooperative education program. A bachelor's degree took five years, because after freshman year, students did internships in their chosen field for two quarters, then took classes on campus for two quarters. So the school got me a paid internship at United Press International in the National Press Building in D.C. from June through December 1971. While there were some very rough spots during that time (including a trauma that would be a defining moment for the next eight years of my life), I mostly enjoyed working. I enjoyed leaving at 7 p.m. and knowing I didn't have to think about work until 11 a.m. At college, there was always something I should be reading or studying or researching, even on vacations. I took the long way to get my degree -- 11 years and 7 colleges. I would not recommend it to anyone. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, but it takes a very motivated, dedicated, hard-working, eye-on-the-prize, physically and mentally fit person to work full time and go to college full time. I could not do it now; I could not do it if I had a family at the time. So like any loving adult, I want to spare Rachel the pain that I went through. But I can't. All I can do is be supportive and tell her it's not a bad thing that she's not ready to leave home yet or go to college full time. What I'm trying to say is this: If Rachel leaves Cal State before she finishes her first semester, that'll be sad, disruptive and disappointing for her and her dad. But it won't be the end of the world; she won't be ruining her life. Going to school straight through in four years (or, in my father's case, two years) is only one way to get an education and a degree.kasey@byteme.commore stream-of-consciousness TK

2001-09-23 22:17:27 Headline here

Even when I tell myself I'm going to stop watching endless rehash of Sept. 11's events, I still get sucked in more often than not. Two struck me personally, and helped me see what might have been going on during the darkest of the squid days. NBC has been showing several times its interview with with the CEO of Cantor Fitzgerald, Howard Lutnick. Cantor Fitzgerald's (www.cantor.com) main HQ was in the World Trade Center. It is believed that 700 of its 1,000 employees were killed in the terrorist attacks. Lutnick taken his son to his first day of kindergarten, and thus was not in the office when the attacks hit. During the interview, he is a broken man. He sobs, he wails, he sputters, tears stream unwiped down his face, he can hardly form a coherent sentence. (More about borderline abusive interviews later.) In short, Lutnick was behaving exactly the way you would expect someone who had suffered such an horrific loss. I'm sure anyone around him (if there is anybody around him who is not similarly distraught) could see he is in no shape to even mail a letter, much less make decisions about his now-decimated company. Anyone could see he needs help, major medications, and someone with him 24/7 until he can get his mind around what happened. Without such care, and maybe even with care, he could become dysfunctional, catatonic or psychotic, and probably suicidal. On Friday, I was watching "Today," and Matt Lauer was interviewing New York City Fire Commissioner Thomas Von Essen. (http://www.nyfd.com/ or http://www.nyc.gov/html/fdny/html/home2.html) As you know, from 200 to 350 firefighters are believed dead in the WTC collapse. Von Essen, as fire commissioner, must deal with inexplicable death of people he knows and cares about all the time. But this, like with Lutnick, as beyond anything anyone could have imagined in his worst nightmare. Von Essen is well-dressed, perfectly coiffed, and answers Lauer's questions succintly but accurately. He is well spoken and calm. I'm sure people came away from that interview thinging Von Essen is dealing with the tragedy very well. But I saw a zombie. I saw a man who is simply going through the motions, who is on autopilot. He looks and acts "normal," something that is impossible to define given his situation, simply because it's all he knows how to do. I'm more worried for Von Essen than I am for Lutnick. Von Essen is in the kind of state where he will get up one day, get dressed, say goodbye to his family as he does every day before going to work take a subway to the Empire State Building and fling himself off the top. Von Essen is acting the way I was acting over the winter, when I was horribly depressed, badly medicated, anorexic and sleep deprived. I was working on automatic, sleepwalking through the pain. My fear was that if I stopped long enough, like say, take a few sick days, I'd be overwhelmed by the squid and I'd do something really bad. This whole terrible thing has stirred up a lot of feelings in all of us. Everything we've taken for granted is turned upside down. Things that no fiction writer could think up have occurred. The human toll is horrifying beyond comprehension. The economic damage has affected hundreds of thousands more. I'm grateful that my tiny, pathetic little life has suffered minimal disruption. My job is secure; my family and friends are safe; my co-workers are around to make me crazy for another day. I've been extraordinarly fortunate these 49 years. I suspect I have very few left (don't panic; I've known for a long time that, because of my weight, my depressive episodes and my family history of heart disease will catch up with me well before the 85 years of life expectancy I've been statistically granted), but that doesn't make me sad. There are only a few things I still want: a lot of sex; retirement; sex; chocolate; trips to the Caribbean, Australia and Europe; and, of course, sex.************************* There were way too many interviews with shocked, devastated people on the TV these past two weeks. At some point, shouldn't a producer or something with a concern for humanity say, "Stop this!" What do viewers gain from seeing some poor bastard at the worst moment of his entire life and have some blow-dried media whore ask, "What are you feeling right now?" One day, someone will pull herself from the depths of her despair long enough to respond, "How the fuck do you think I feel, you pea-brained, microphone-sucking shill for corporate evil?"kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2001-09-24 08:41:55 Asteri
I understand you, I want to go to Europe, have sex, chocolate and of course, more sex. :P

2001-09-27 15:19:34 Freedoms Wings
It is a sad time....

---End notes---

2001-09-28 22:39:11 Geek love

The keyholders suggested writing an interview with oneself in the style of a favorite magazine. Here is my imagined interview, done in the style of the New York Times Magazine.***********************Even before she reaches her desk, Kasey Jones is besieged with requests for help by desperate people."How do I e-mail an attachment?""My story is locked.""I'm getting all kinds of weird error messages.""My computer doesn't like me.""I think I opened a virus."Jones answers each question curtly and accurately, and stumbles to her desk. There, she must deal with dozens of voice mails and e-mails."It's like being a doctor, without the prestige, respect or huge salary," the self-described geek bitch sighs.*******************Yes, Kasey Jones, newsroom systems editor, is a healer. Often, just her laying on of hands will coax a balky word processor or spreadsheet back to working order. Jones takes a biological view to her job."Windows, and to a lesser extent, the Mac OS and Linux, are life forms," Jones says without a hint of sarcasm. "They have intelligence and personalities. As with any life form, one must first listen to what it's saying. From there, communication flows, and the OS will tell you the solutions."A rare view for a fairly rare character. Middled-aged black women are few and far between in the information technology world. And this is a second career for Jones. Her bachelor's degree in English from a tiny commuter college in Connecticut coincided with her career as a newspaperwoman.Jones is not WYSIWYG. She believes people look at her -- tall, very overweight, with chin-length dreadlocks, dressed in jeans and workshirts -- and see welfare mom, food stamp con artist or lifelong clerk-typist. A stereotypical project dweller or trailer trash or lottery ticket dreamer.People usually lose that picture the minute Jones speaks. Her words, while often too loud and very profane, are painfully correct English, spoken carefully and precisely, modulated to maintain the American neutral accent she so carefully cultivates. Polysyllabic words trip easily and obscure cultural references will leave all but the most quick-witted gasping in her literary dust.She can be funny as hell. She can also bring down a man at 20 paces with one blow of her tongue.This woman does not suffer fools gladly. Jones thinks anyone less smart than she is a fool. And her IQ makes her smarter than 90 percent of the population.That makes for a lot of fools in Jones' life.***********************"Answering a suicide prevention hot line would be easier than giving tech support to 400 journalists," Jones says. She has just helped a colleague in California who claimed his laptop's modem wasn't working. The problem was he did not have the phone cord plugged into the wall. And that was an easy one. Jones gets calls all hours of the night from all over the world. Many of her colleagues (she bitterly calls them (l)users and cow-orkers), in their ignorance and frustration, have so confused the OS on company laptops that little short of re-installing Windows will fix the problem.Other get hysterical and cannot follow Jones' instructions. "Those are the worst," she says. "All I can do is shut up and listen to them rant themselves to exhaustion. Then, they'll listen to me."On calmer days, it's love-hate thing. Jones wants to be needed, but hates needy, helpless people. "Sometimes I think they want me to do every mouse click for them," she says of her charges. "I made a conscious decision not to have children. Now I have 400 'special' children."************************Jones is also kind, generous, sexy and sensitive. On a good day, she sees herself as soft, cuddly, very feminine and very loving. She hunts eBay for soft, senuous lingerie in her size. Never mind that no man has seen her this way in years. Jones, on a good day, is also optimistic.This softer verison of Kasey Jones can be seen in the way she talks with her friends. She is funny, caring, solicitious, thoughtful and concerned. She will give a friend $100 cash if she needs it. She will bring chocolates, cookies and donuts to the office to share. ("Only a few people say thank you, though," she grumbles.)The most remarkable change takes place when she talks with a special friend. It's a visible softening that takes place, with a room-brightening smile replacing the scowl. Jones' voice goes up a few octaves, and she becomes coquettish.Jones did not expect a man to be in her life ever again. A divorce so bitter that she can only refer to her ex as "rat bastard" and an affair that left her heartbroken made looking for love a low priority in her life. Better to scramble up the career ladder, build up savings to invest, own a home, and take exotic, tropical vacations. It was a comfortable life, and Jones thought this was a good as it gets. Who'd have thought, that at age 47, this fiercely feminist and independent woman, who tries to be so completely in charge at work, would fall, giddy and surprised like a schoolgirl, in love? More unlikely, how could a black girl from the D.C. 'hood in find anything in common with a middle-class white boy from upstate New York? "Despite our beginnings and current surface appearances (Jones is a tall, dreadlocked, black chick with an attitude, and the object of her affections is a slightly shorter middle-aged white guy), Wayne and I are very alike now," she says with a smile. "We both have a strong sense of resonsibility, we both value truth and justice above all else, we're both journalists who have bounced around the country for a while, and we both love music and travel and good food." Jones allows has it's been scary and fun to feel love flutters again. Would she say her life is now complete? She laughs derisively, the scowl returns, and the bitterness resurfaces. "I've always believed that my burden in life was that I would never be or have 'normal.' As a child, I had a black parent and a white parent, so that wasn't 'normal.' I went to parochial school and had to wear a uniform, and that wasn't 'normal.' I spoke the queen's English, and that wasn't 'normal.' "This relationship I have now with Wayne is not 'normal.' We are closer than friends, but not as close as lovers." Meaning? "Wayne won't put out," she says. "I am stupid enough to fall in love with the one man in the country who needs very intense emotional connnection to enjoy sex. He's a man. He's supposed to want sex however he can get it." And while Wayne loves her, he's not in love with her. "A-yup," Jones says, imitating her putative gentleman friend.********************* It is nearly three weeks in the attack on the U.S. Like most journalists, Jones has been run ragged, keeping computers running and colleagues functioning. She and her friends talk and laugh when they can, but mostly, for Jones, life is an endless conveyor belt of malfunctioning machines, malfunctioning co-workers and malfunctioning relationships.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2001-09-28 23:01:40 Asteri
Excellent article. :)

2001-09-28 23:52:27 Under Disguise
Hail Queen Kasey! Hail!

2001-09-29 08:56:31 Emerald Dragon
A never ending totally amazing woman in all the things you are. Great story. Hope your weekend is filed with joy.

2001-09-30 10:09:07 Debbs
just dropping by to say hello and keep in touch. I enjoy your entries so much and thank you for your comments in mine. I wish I had your knowledge of computers. I would be one of those people you would have to help all the time. :(

---End notes---

2001-09-30 22:26:22 Having a life

Had an active, productive, people-oriented weekend. No lounging around in my nightgown for two days like I usually do. Saturday Ann and I went to the fairgrounds for the Sugarloaf crafts show. Her hubby had gotten us two tickets. But when we got there, only the boat show was evident. Ann checked the tickets and discovered they are for next weekend! Talk about two dumb broads! So we went to this adorable little cat boutique and got catnip and knickknacks, then went to lunch at Ruby Tuesday's. We spent a lot of time talking and laughing. It's so good to get together with women friends. Ann was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis two years ago and for a while lost nearly all use of her hands. She's been taking interferon, she's in remission and has regained the use of her hands. Such good news. Saturday evening I talked with Sharon. Her mother, who is 74, was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and underwent a radical hysterectomy on Wednesday. It was minimally invasive and she's back home. The cancer appears to be contained. More good news. Today Wayne came over and dug a shallow ditch along my driveway into which he will pour concrete and place cement blocks to even it up. That will patch the hole that I fell in this spring. Tomorrow, he'll come over while I'm at work and pour the concrete AND sand down a sticking door. What a man! He does so much for me. I took him to dinner Sunday night and gave him a CD by Tenacious D. I had seen them on Letterman last week and thought Wayne would like them. Turns out he also had seen them on Letterman and liked them, but didn't have any of their CDs. So psychic Kasey was right again. I also got Wayne to give me his clothing measurements in case I decide to get him a shirt or a kilt (yup, a kilt; more about that another time) for Christmas. Wayne said he was thinking about getting a new suit and wanted me to go with him when he does. I still have NEVER seen him in a tie or anything fancier than a sports jacket, khakis and Dockers. So I had a social weekend, but got no chores done. Will have to parcel them out during the week. I hope things calm down at work, but that seems unlikely. We have two reporters in Pakistan and three more on standby to go there in case the U.S. takes any action against the Taliban. John and I have many laptops to reconfigure and many users to train. Hope everyone here had a joyous weekend.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2001-09-30 22:56:21 Asteri
I'm glad you had a social weekend and that you enjoyed it. {{{Hugs}}}

2001-10-02 01:11:16 peacemaker
thanks you are correct no puppies for T.

2001-10-02 12:23:21 Solo
I'm so pleased to hear I'm not the only one to spend weekends in my nighty ;)

---End notes---

2001-10-02 22:40:39 Front row seat in hell

Prick boy and I had another contretemps last night, and the squid has grabbed me again. don't panic. i feel bad, but not bad enough to hurt myself. i am not writing this to upset anyone. if i do descend beyond this, Wayne has instructions to drag me, kicking and screaming if necessary, the psychiatric units at one of two prestigious hospitals here. i slept fitfully for about two hours this morning. i spent the rest of the morning in my recliner, cats on my lap, too depressed to move. i finally gathered all my strength, got dressed and went to radio shack to get parts for equipment that sparked the argument. i went to the grocery and got dove bars. i still need a serial cable, but i'm too sad and tired and teary to drive to compusa. i had starbucks fuel, but my stomach hurts. i've taken my meds and multivitamin, but i can't stomach any food. it is of little comfort to me that i'm right and prick boy is wrong. he's a sadistic manager, and he sees my weakness and abuses me. i'm good at my job, and everyone seems to be happy with my work except him. unfortunately, prick boy's supervisors don't see him for the psychopath that he is. it's easier for everyone to blame my well-documented depression than his role in exacerbating it. right now, i hate myself, and i hate my life. right now, i don't see any good way out of this. i can spend the next 10 years working for a psychopath, or i can quit or be fired, run out of money because no one will hire a middle-aged woman with a history of severe depression. either way, i'm condemned to a living hell. this link (http://www.aafp.org/afp/990315ap/1500.html) provides a very good overview of suicide ideation, which is what i'm doing now. i don't have the means to do anything, and i don't have what clinicians call co-morbidity of substance abuse. but this is what i see as the only way out of 10 more years of mental abuse inflicted by a madman against whom i can no longer defend myself. my friend, my family, my cats, the lovely abode, all lose their appeal if i have to spend two weeks out of every three months in a major depressive episode incited by a deranged supervisor. i am incapable, or barely capable, of doing my job now. i cannot see a solution to this problem other than ending my life. i know that ridiculous. i don't have a plan like i did in the winter and i don't have the means, or frankly, the energy to carry anything out. short of committing me (which would only keep me hospitalized against my will for 72 hours) i'll ask my therapist about a partial hospitalization program. these programs have the advantage of daily supervision to make sure i eat and take my meds. i would also get daily group therapy, and, i hope, occupational therapy to help me get back in the state of mind so i can work and not be driven insane. who knows? maybe galen has other ideas. i feel like i'm babbling now. my judgment is so impaired that i'm not sure i'm doing the right thing. i promise: not to do anything drastic to keep my appointment wed at 2 p.m. with galen to take my meds to check my e-mail occasionally and answer the phone (isolation is a really bad thing right now) to try to eat and sleep i know (but i don't believe; there is a difference) i won't always feel this bad. i know, but don't believe, that i won't lose everything. my hope, which i know is ludicrous, is that i won't wake up if and when i fall asleep. i'm so weak, letting prick boy do this to me. geez, you have no idea how much pain i'm in now. kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2001-10-02 22:49:42 Debbs
((((((((jane))))))) Please know how important your soul and being is. You sound so very competent in your job...could you possibly find another job? I am concerned about you.

2001-10-03 08:23:39 Asteri
Hey, if you only knew how much I admire you in every aspect of your life. I'm certain you can get a similar or even better job if you start looking for it. No one, especially you, deserve the kind of treatment prick boy gives you. You definitely don't have to spend 10 more years tolerating that. I hope that by the time you read this, you're already feeling better. {{{Big Hugs}}}

2001-10-03 08:58:56 Under Disguise
((((((((kasey)))))))))) take good care hun.

2001-10-03 15:16:45 Toyota
The partial hospitalization sounds like a good idea. My husband had to do that for awhile and it really did help. I am not going to claim to understand all I can do is tell you that I am here if you want to talk. I am going to email you my phone number and anytime (I mean anytime) that you feel you want or need to talk I am here.

---End notes---

2001-10-03 17:44:10 Update

wish i had something more concrete (cement?) to report. met with AME for personnel. she asked what job i would like to have and i said the copy desk, either metro or features, seemed the most logical. she said (and i agree wholeheartedly) that it would be a shame to waste my computer skills. she didn't think there was any suitable place for me in IT (i've heard that department also has a psycho for a manager). I said how my favorite job had been on the features copy desk, that i loved reading about theater and TV and movies and music. she said she would talk with the top editors on thursday and get back to me. she said she really had no idea what would be decided or when. my thoughts after: i don't think they're going to fire me or force me to take a buyout. one of the copy desks seems my most likely destination. or, they could say everyone has problems with his/her supervisor, so i should suck it up and get back to work. as i was leaving the newsroom, a user comes up to me, arms outstretched, and says, "My savior!" he was a first-time laptop user and i had helped him file last week from NYC. (he had been clicking the right mouse button rather than the left. sheesh.) i will never understand how so many people think i'm good at my job in systems, yet i'm about to lose it.******************** kept my appointment with galen, and because i'm in bad shape again (told him about suicidal ideation and limited ability to eat) that we'll meet twice a week for a while. so i'll see him tomorrow. he was not too keen on the idea of partial hospitalization; he says it's for people way worse off than me (a scary thought). but he did understand my wanting it, because I cannot just sit at home. i want to work, i NEED to work, and four hours of treatment daily would make me feel that i was working to get better. galen said he was willing to certify that i cannot work for prick boy anymore. that would keep me on sick leave until my company finds another place for me. frankly, i'm not willing to take that step yet. i know it's depraved, but as galen pointed out before, if i stay home, i'll torture myself, so i might as well go to work and be tortured. at least i'll feel productive and useful. an appropriate legend for my tombstone: "I can't waste time lying here! I have work to do!" so that's how things are right now. i will be on sick leave for the rest of the week. my inclination now is to go back to work on monday (yes, under prick boy) until things are arranged for me to have a new gig or til prick boy drives me to full hospitalization. i'm turning into a root vegetable just sitting and moping at home. thanks, everyone, for your support. i will get through this.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2001-10-03 22:28:25 Asteri
Why don't you let Galen certify you can't work under prickboy's supervision anymore? I do agree, partial hospitalization would be nice for you, I was there for 10 days (7 hours per day) and I learned a lot in there. Get well soon dear.

2001-10-04 09:09:39 Freedoms Wings
Oh dear! I miss a few entries and I miss out. I'm going back. Sorry to hear that times are tough. I'm thinking of you. (Former ^..^)

2001-10-04 13:23:35 Fyresetter
you're too creative not to work. i tought that was funny about the tombstone saying, though. hope you will feel better soon

2001-10-04 23:11:24 Manduhsmomma
I just read the awesome magazine article you wrote on yourself and loved it! Hope you feel better soon - the world needs you and your amazing talent! :)

---End notes---

2001-10-06 01:27:23 Nothing new

Still nothing new to report. AME left voice mail that nothing had been decided, and that after Monday she and the two key editors will be out of town at a convention. I doubt a decision will come on Monday. This is creating some anxiety. It seems to be a no-brainer to move me to the copy desk. Perhaps finding a replacement for my current job is the problem. Getting someone with my computer skills who is willing to work for prick boy won't be easy. Talked with Mom, told her about current troubles. She wants to punch prick boy in the nose. Finally ate a real meal this afternoon, my first since Sunday. Went to Appleby's and had clam chowder, chicken fried chicken, mashed potatoes and veggies. Ran a few errands. Will take pix of stuff I'm going to sell on eBay. Saturday, will hit craft fair with Ann. Back home in time to see Cal Ripken's last game on TV. Might try to go to movies on Sunday. Wayne will be over on Monday to finish driveway work, and he always makes me laugh and forget about my troubles for a while. Probably will try to drive south to see Mom or Sharon near end of week. In between will try to read, see movies, get house in order and in general keep busy. Inaction is my enemy now.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2001-10-08 03:21:39 Freedoms Wings
*hugs*

---End notes---

2001-10-09 14:14:48 Life goes on

I was hit with chills early today. Most menopausal women get hot flashes. Me, I got so cold i was shaking from the inside out and my teeth were chattering. i finally dived under my electric blanket and set it to high and i got warm after about an hour. I had a great day Monday, although it started out on a major bummer. The AME for personnel called and said, essentially, I'll have to go back to working for prick boy. She claimed there is no place to put me (even though the copy desk is woefully shorthanded) and that she doesn't think "we've tried everything yet." She did promise to have Steve limit communication with me to mostly e-mail. He will also be required every Monday to give me a list of tasks he wants me to complete for the week. The list will also go to the AME so she can be sure prick boy isn't being abusive or unclear. This is not what I want, but I have to work for at least 10 more years (and probably longer, the way the economy is going) before I can escape. So I'll try to make the best of it, and take time off as needed. Anyway, Wayne came over in the afternoon and finished patching my sidewalk. He did all the work while I wactched and talked with him. We hit Chili's for dinner then did a couple of minor things around the house. During his move to a new apartment in March, Wayne uncovered a bread machine that his co-workers from his previous job had given him as a going-away present. He had lost track of it when he moved here. So he has an unopened bread machine. I asked to borrow it; I'm going cook as part of my rehabilition, if one can call dumping ingredients in a bread machine and soup pot cooking. Hey, it's move fun that basket weaving. I also took pictures of stuff I'm going to sell on ebay. I'd like to have the listings up and the auctions finished before I return to work on Monday.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2001-10-09 16:41:08 Emerald Dragon
I have to agree that dumping stuff in kinda cheats at making bread - but oh the smell in yur home as it bakes. Delightful. Enjoy being the baker. HUGS

2001-10-09 18:14:13 peacemaker
KJ you have a very mature and realistic attitude about the resolution that the paper offered. Hang in there, I can smell the bread from all the way up here! I would put on 20 # if I started cooking bread again. Wayne is a lucky man.

2001-10-10 11:26:44 Debbs
Well I sure call that cooking. I call anything cooking that doesnt come from freezer to microwave. I was so hoping that you would have a different job by now. But you are handling it very well. You are such a strong person and one that I am glad to know. Be well, my friend.

---End notes---

2001-10-11 23:12:30 Working on relaxing

I've been getting better and better at this time off thing. I've been sleeping a lot, but I've been pretty productive as well. I made black bean soup and garlic herb bread. Yum. I also sold nearly $400 worth of stuff on eBay that had been cluttering up my closets. Of course, I also bought a lot of stuff, so the clutter will return. Saw Galen, my therapist, Wednesday and Thursday. He said I was not ready to return to work and I need to take at least another week off. I was really disappointed to hear that. (I know, I'm sick; let me tell you, workaholism ranks right up there with chocoholism in difficultly in kicking the habit.) But I agreed to stay away from work next week. Galen also reminded me that I need to get exercise. It would improve my physical and mental health. I'll start walking a few blocks at a time around the neighborhood for the next several days. Newly creative with food, and needing a way to thank Wayne for all the work he did on my house, I prepared a gift package: quart of homemade soup; loaf of freshly baked bread; raspberry salsa and blue corn tortilla chips; and a little box of fancy chocolates. I saw Galen Thursday at his other office, and to get to it I have to drive past Wayne's neighborhood. So I e-mailed Wayne the night before and asked when he would be getting up. He said he had a doctor's appointment at 2 p.m. and said it was OK for me to let myself into his apartment to drop off the goodies. So I finish my appointment with Galen, stopped at McD's for lunch, and missed a turn so I had to drive nearly two miles around. I arrive at Wayne's apartment at 1:50 p.m. and I see his car in the parking lot. So I park next to it and wait, figuring he'll be dashing out. At 1:55 p.m. I call his apartment on my cell phone. No answer, but he usually turns the ringer off. So I go into his building and ring the doorbell to his apartment. Wayne opens the door. He clearly had just awakened and gotten out of bed, although later he sent me an e-mail claiming he had been awake a full two minutes before I rang the bell. "Don't you have a 2 o'clock doctor's appointment?" I said. "Yup." "Isn't it five minutes to 2?" "Yup." "You're not understanding a word I'm saying, are you?" "Yup." So I went into his apartment, put the food in the fridge and on the counter, gave Wayne a pat on the back and pushed him in the direction of his shower. He mumbled something like "You're too good to me" as I left. I should have taken advantage of his sleepyheadedness (is that a word?) and pushed him back to bed, with me crawling in after him. Wayne thanked me in an e-mail this evening, and said he was looking forward to trying the food after work -- except for the raspberry salsa. Wayne is a very, um, eccentric gourmand. Among the foods he won't eat are onions, bananas, raisins, oysters, hearts of palm, nuts, sweet potatoes, asparagus, cauliflower, cheese, mint and peas. I had dutifully noted that when I prepared the soup and bread. But had forgot to mention he has a dislike of all things berry. ARRGGH! I had peach salsa as well; I wish I had known. I'm going to set aside a partition on my hard drive just to keep track of his food fetishes. And don't get me started on the state of his apartment! I've seen crack houses that were neater.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2001-10-12 08:53:21 Under Disguise
hahaha! sounds yummy!

2001-10-12 12:53:07 Asteri
I'm glad you're feeling better. Enjoy those days off. I too had the same thought regarding what you did to Wayne. LOL {{{Hugs}}}

2001-10-12 12:54:39 Freedoms Wings
You are so funny at times. I hope you can find a way to kick the habit so to speak. Lots of good vibes g/f.

2001-10-12 22:03:10 peacemaker
send that berry salsa up to PA. I agree with Galen re the exercise. It will give you a sense of control and mastery if you stay with it. It is a long term investment.

2001-10-15 12:54:50 Emerald Dragon
I have found that walking is not only great exercise it allows me to think and resolve issues with out distracting me from other important tasks. Enjoy the time for yourself ! HUGS

---End notes---

2001-10-15 18:50:41 The rest of rest

I'm carefully following doctor's orders: eating, sleeping, hydrating, taking meds and spending time with people. On Saturday, I visited my mother: We had lunch, I helped her with a few computer issues and we watched TV. Then I met Sharon and we had a fab seafood dinner and got caught up on each other's live. I got home at 10 p.m., used the bathroom, and the toilet clogged again. I called Wayne at work and asked him to bring a toilet plunger (I still hadn't bought one). He came by around midnight, with plunger and heavy-duty drill, to finish work on a door and the fireplace. I actually felt, not guilty, but, I dunno -- lucky, I guess, because Sharon complained so bitterly about how her husband is unhelpful around the house. I call Wayne, a single man who probably could be doing any number of things after getting off work on Saturday night, and not only does he bring the tools I need, he anticipates other needs. Whenever he leaves here, he always asks if I need trash carried to the curb, for example. I have a close relationship with a kind, thoughtful man, a relationship that some married couples envy, and yet I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. When I first went to see Galen, my therapist, in January, I said one of the things that I was sad about was my belief that I had to end my friendship with Wayne. I was in love with Wayne; I guessed, correctly, that he wasn't in love with me, and that it would only hurt me in the long run to continue to be close to Wayne when he wasn't giving me everything I wanted. Galen thought it was vital that I maintain my friendship with Wayne. He said the kind of friend that Wayne is, who I can call in the middle of the night and he'll rush over with Dove Bars or toilet plunger or groceries, is a rare and wonderful thing. And I really was ready to end the friendship when I finally confessed my love to Wayne. He said then, and has proven it since, that he doesn't have a problem being close to me even though he knows I want more from him. I've read a couple of things lately that make me think this still isn't good. From a woman on alt.suicide.holiday to the man who is in love with her: You have every right to feel angry, jealous, andslighted ... especially since I never really discouraged you from tryingto get close to me, even though I knew what you really wanted. And this from Savage Love, addressing a man who only wants sex from a woman who keeps telling him she wants more: When you tell someone you want a more meaningful relationship and that person keeps coming around, it's only natural to assume that the person is at least open to the idea of building a more meaningful relationship. Since you aren't open to that idea, by continuing to come around you're allowing this woman to assume something that's false. So, yes indeed, you are being dishonest--and cruel. I'm not going to push this issue with Wayne anytime soon. My judgment continues to be impaired, and my overly active and heavily medicated mind deludes me as often as it guides me correctly. I am trying very hard to live in the moment. If there is anything I want to take away from the events of September 11, it's to enjoy what I have now. Thinking too far ahead, trying to plan every possible scenario and have a plan for dealing with it, is counterproductive and futile. No one can predict the future. I've always said and believed that, but September 11 proved how sometimes we can't even imagine, can't even dream, what the future holds.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2001-10-16 08:56:03 Under Disguise
girlie, Im so proud of you! your really trying hard on this! I'm so glad. its good to see the good in you again.

2001-10-16 14:02:46 Freedoms Wings
That is so true. ( from another on medication and a the edge of the abyss)

---End notes---

2001-10-21 00:35:15 What, me worry?

Wow, I didn't realize it's been nearly a week since I posted. I guess I'm having too much fun. Have been eating, reading, uncluttering the lovely abode and spending way too much money, which leads to more clutter. I bought a $200 wicker chest to store all the handbags and briefcases I bought on eBay, and I STILL don't have anywhere to put some of them. I did have one small triumph. I have obtained registration of the domain kaseyjones.com. I pried it from the cold, dead fingers of the cybersquatter who snatched it up two years ago. There's nothing there yet, not even e-mail, but I will have it set up by the end of the year. Finally got the perpetually clogging toilet replaced. The plumber did it on the side inside of going through the outfit he works for. I got new toilet installed for $180; it would have cost $325 had I gone the traditional route. My niece, who is having trouble adjusting to college life and living away from home, will be coming here to visit Mom and me on Thanksgiving. Her dad and his girlfriend will arrive here the Friday after. They'll all stay about a week. It'll be hectic: Rachel has her other aunts to visit; Helen has her sister and brother-in-law to visit. The sis and bro-in-law moved east in August to start their new assignments at the Pentagon. Yes, they were there on 9/11. They escaped unharmed. I will head back to the Nightmare on Calvert Street on Monday. I've not been in the building since the anthrax attacks on media outlets in Florida and New York. I'm told that security has been tightened (yeah, bring in more of those minimum-wage rent-a-cops) and all employees are required to display their ID badges on their person at all times. Previously, the office had been ID free once you got in. My beneficient employer has not yet received the lanyards with the company name, so I'll wear one with a competitor's name. Hee hee. One day last week, the mayor got word from the FBI that an anthrax attack might be planned in Charm City. It never happened, but my office and many others barred the doors and wouldn't let deliveries (mail, FedEx, pizza, flowers) be made for the day. As if I weren't anxious enough about going back to work. Further adding to my anxiety, Wayne is out of town all this week visiting relatives in North Carolina and doing a seminar in Virginia. AND my mother is driving to visit her relatives in New England for the next two weeks. So my two strongest supporters won't be around. I guess I'll really be going it alone. Send positive thoughts my way on Monday afternoon. Be well and be safe.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2001-10-21 12:04:36 Manduhsmomma
Hope all goes well for you. Keeping my fingers crossed x.

2001-10-22 06:28:07 Manduhsmomma
I consider your comment a great compliment as well, coming from someone as talented as you. Thanks. :)

2001-10-22 12:53:16 Emerald Dragon
Sending you positive thoughts for a great day.

---End notes---

2001-10-23 00:21:27 Back to where I once belonged

First day back at work was tense, but uneventful. John L. took the day off, so I was truly without support, with Wayne and Mom out of town. Prick boy sent me an e-mail shortly after midnight with a huge list of mostly stupid things to do. It's busy work. It pissed me off at first, but I figure, I get paid the same no matter what I do, so I'll try to chill. I spent three hours Monday morning getting some of the stuff done. It's mostly taking my short, concise, clear instructions for laptop use and expanding them tenfold so that they're bloated, unclear, confusing and useless. Fine. Back in the beginning of my career, I got paid by the word, so I can make anything longer. Two techs took pity on me and brought me back dinner, so I didn't starve. I'll probably do the dinner order tomorrow. But if prick boy believes keeping me glued to the keyboard doing mindless stuff if productive, that's his problem, not mine. Gee, I'm not angry, am I?kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2001-10-23 08:42:44 Under Disguise
**Smile** yes. you are and its good to admit it.........ya ought to make pb buy dinner. then do it big!

2001-10-23 08:59:46 Solo
It's people like that who make you hope karma is real and that it will be nasty hehehe

2001-10-23 09:32:48 Manduhsmomma
: )

2001-10-23 12:44:35 Asteri
Hey! Take things calmly, your health is what matters.

2001-10-23 21:03:35 Debbs
Sounds like you have a lovely Thanksgiving planned. When holidays roll around, I long for family to visit with. But then there are the horror stories of people that do have families. So I will just enjoy my friends. I was away at another diary for awhile, but I came back here . This feels more like home. ((((((hugs)))))))

2001-10-28 01:06:10 peacemaker
endure and you will find a way to make it better in time.

---End notes---

2001-10-28 19:36:32 Back to the grind

Well, I survived the Nightmare on Calvert Street, week one. I was plenty tired, and more than a little tense, but there were no blowups, crying jags or other scenes of high drama. Prick boy pretty much left me alone. I got most of what he assigned done. I was forced to do so much computer work that my carpal tunnel syndrome flared up. My mother called me twice from her tour of upstate New York to check on me. Wayne caught a cold from his 6-month-old nephew while visiting in North Carolina and had to cut his vacation short. More about Wayne in next entry. I got my benefits package, which has to be filled out and mailed by Nov. 9. Luckily, my beneficent employer is keeping Kasier, my HMO. Maybe people, including Wayne, who were with the Aetna PPO as SOL and will have to get a new health plan and new doctors. I probably will have to pay to keep my dentist of 15 years. I ate well and slept fairly well. It suddenly got quite cold and I've had to turn on the heat during the day and use the electric blanket at night. I hate cold weather, and I hate turning the clocks back because it gets dark that much sooner. Been shopping on eBay for winter solstice presents. Got my brother a map and a Bible printed in 1896, the year his house was built. I'm getting Wayne a duffle bag or backpack full of shirts, ties, T-shirts and a few gag gifts. I had initially planned to get him a La-Z-y Boy recliner, but a) I can't afford it; b) it would take serious machinations to get it into his apartment to surprise him; and c) given the clutter, I don't know if there's any room for it. Dunno what I'm going to get Mom. Another plus of being at work last week: got a flu shot. And on Wednesday, it's Halloween. I have a moose hat I'll wear. That should get a few laughs.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2001-10-28 19:55:04 Asteri
Such nice plans. I'm glad this week was fine. {{{Hugs}}}

2001-10-29 09:58:59 Under Disguise
hey thats cool about the bible! keep up the good work!

---End notes---

2001-10-28 22:44:06 So close, yet so far away

Wayne spent last weekend with his brother and sister-in-law and his 6-month-old nephew in North Carolina. On Monday, he drove to southwestern Virginia to a newspaper where he was to conduct a writing seminar on Tuesday. He met with staff, got taken to dinner, and then realized he had left the handouts he had prepared for the seminar back in Baltimore. So Wayne makes the 3-hour drive home and sleeps at his apartment, intending to drive back to southern Virginia late Tuesday morning. Alas, Wayne awakes Tuesday with a sore throat and hideous earache. So he postpones the seminar. Poor guy spent the rest of his vacation sick. At least he was able to rest, and it seemed to do him a lot of good. Late Saturday afternoon, I went to his apartment bearing homemade bread and seafood stew. His apartment was a little less cluttered. Wayne and I ate and talked and I showed him how to burn CDs on his computer. We just hung out, talking and laughing and enjoying one another's company. We discussed some serious, but not heavy-duty stuff, like how we've changed from teen-agers to middle-agers, we shared childhood memories and talked about work and journalism. It was a very laid-back, quiet evening. Wayne was nearly over his cold and after a week of not being at work, was the most relaxed I've ever seen him. He also seemed very open and accessible. There was even more of the usual easy closeness and intimacy between us, and for the first time, Wayne seemed completely at ease with it. I saw in his eyes the deep affection he has for me. And several times while we were sitting next to each other in chairs working on the computer, I could have leaned in and kissed Wayne. I sure wanted to, and it seemed to me like he might have welcomed it. But I didn't, and I won't. I feel like a coward, but Wayne knows I want a physical relationship with him. He'll have to make the first move. I left at 1 a.m., and kissed Wayne on the cheek as I left, as I always do. I mused on the way home how we had a nearly perfect evening, just like we have a nearly perfect relationship. Wayne gives me so much; I wish I could learn to be content with that.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2001-10-29 00:48:57 Manduhsmomma
*sigh* :)

2001-10-29 09:41:10 Asteri
I think you do good by waiting for him to do the 1st move. Still, your relationship is very beautiful and I'm glad you're aware of that. Have a beautiful week.

2001-10-30 07:09:10 debbs
Geeeee, I wish things could be different for you with Wayne. Your situation so tugs at my heart. Thank you for your comment. (((((hugs))))

2001-10-31 01:30:57 peacemaker
you have a lot with wayne. maybe someday more?

---End notes---

2001-11-03 22:26:04 Weekly report

This week went better at work. Prick boy was out sick, Eric was up from Florida to install an update to the publishing software, and I had success with most support calls. But I spent most of worktime configuring 21 cell phones that will serve as wireless modem for the reporters to file their stories without having to worry about finding a phone line. It was very tedious work, and two of the phones still aren't working, but now I can get these phones out to the users and start saving the company so real money. I also need to configure my own cell phone to act as a wireless modem. Then I won't be bound by wires when I seek an Internet fix. I've been diligently trying to bring order to my home office. I'm trying to throw out as much paperwork as possible. What paperwork i must keep is going into large briefcases by subject -- one briefcase for medical, one for the house, one for the cats, one for legal stuff, and so on. I've been buying briefcases for the task on eBay. But listen to this: I got a large briefcase delivered from an eBay seller in Wisconsin. I open the briefcase and it's infested with ladybugs! Yeah, I know, ladybugs are good little creatures, but I don't care to have them swarming in the lovely abode. The offending briefcase is sitting on the ramp off the side of the house, and i'll haul it to the curb for trash collection tomorrow. Other than this, I've had good luck with stuff I've bought on eBay. I've gotten large briefcase, leather briefcase and tote bags, most for less than $25; many for less than $15. Of course, I bought too many, and way too many leather purses. I'll probably try to auction some stuff off early next year. My brother and my niece are driving Mom and me nuts. Thanksgiving is less than three weeks away and they still haven't made flight reservations for here. Mom and I will have to drive to Dulles to pick up Rachel, and just making arrangements on our side is a logistical morass. I'll have to drive the wonder van, using my mother's handicapped parking tag, so we can park as close to the terminal as possible. Even then, we'll have to get a skycap bring us a wheelchair, because Mom cannot walk the endless distances in that huge airport. Then we'll have to wait at the baggage claim for Rachel, cuz no one is allowed past the x-ray machines except passengers. All this will be after trying to squeeze in our traditional Thanksgiving dinner at the Stouffer Hotel in downtown D.C. We'll muddle through somehow. I'll have Thanksgiving, plus the following Friday and Monday off, so I'll have plenty of time to spend with them.kasey@byteme.com

---Notes---

2001-11-04 00:09:00 Manduhsmomma
Three weeks! AAAAACCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!

2001-11-04 09:11:20 Debbs
Hope you let those ladybugs go near some trees before they get picked up by the garbage collecter. I would love to have a brief case full of ladybugs. Hope you get all plans worked out for Thanksgiving. Sounds like a good time.

2001-11-05 07:54:35 Asteri
Sounds like it was a good week. Hope that your brother and niece get the tickets soon. Have a nice week.

2001-11-07 18:24:29 peacemaker
I hate planning Thanksgiving, I used to try to keep everyone happy on both sides of the family. I just go with the flow, till the flow don't go.

---End notes---

2001-11-12 03:15:59 Falling behind

Man, I am so far behind on my favs! Work and getting enough sleep sure take a bite out of the day. No wonder I clung to insomnia so fiercely -- I got more done because I was awake more! Sorry for neglecting everybody. I'll do my best to catch up with your diaries. As busy as I've been, not much interesting has been going on. Prick boy and I seem to have reached an uneasy rapprochement. He limits his contact with me to less than 15 minutes a day, and that's been helping, I think. Support calls were more frequent last week, but I'm nearly done on his manual to terrify the users. I got through benefits selection unscathed; my beneficent employer renewed contracts with my HMO and dental plan, so I don't have to change anything. I made some minor corrections in beneficiaries, so my niece is the sole beneficiary of my life insurance. My fast-dwindling 401(k) will be split between two journalism organizations, if I don't live long enough to start using it. Thanksgiving is 10 days away (panic!) and still my brother has not made plane reservations for his daughter, him and his girlfriend. It's that laid-back California attitude running smack into the gotta-have-every-moment-scheduled East Coast attitude. I guess it will all work out. I've been spending weekends (meaning Sunday afternoons and evenings, cuz I sleep most of Saturdays) uncluttering my home office. I'm shredding tons of useless paperwork, selling, giving away or throwing away stuff that's sat unused for years. I put all my photos in albums or in a large briefcase; and did the same with medical stuff, legal stuff and house/mortgage stuff. Next comes years of tax returns. I put very important papers, like my passport and birth certificate, in a lovely oak briefcase I bought on eBay. And STILL, my desk is overflowing and I trip on things in my little home office. But I am determined to free up enough room in this office to get a recliner in here. Mom returned safely from her two-week visit to friends and family in New England. Her back is bothering her again; the steroids give her less and less relief. She remains upbeat, active and intellectually sharp. Wayne aggravated an old back injury, and has been spending most his free time lying on the heating pad I gave him. It's gotten too cold for us to finish the cement work on my driveway, so we'll have to cover the area with dirt until spring. Hope we can get it done before Thanksgiving. Are any of you "Iron Chef" fans? I love that show, and on Friday, Nov. 16, UPN will broadcast "Iron Chef USA." It stars William Shatner as the chairman, and was taped in Las Vegas. I'm eager to see it, but my satellite TV service doesn't get UPN. Wayne doesn't have cable, so UPN, which is on Channel 24 in this area, comes in poorly, if at all. I've got to find someone at work with cable to tape it for me. kasey@byteme.com

Diary Backup Part 2

2007-03-30T19:47:00.000-07:00

Gonna see the doc about my knee on Thursday. The pain has been excruciating for four days now. I can hardly stand when I get up. It takes several steps before I can put my full weight on my left leg.I used a cane yesterday and that helped. I probably should have taken a few days off from work. At least I'm off now for three days. Of course, using a cane creates pain elsewhere. My right hand is swollen and painful, as are my right triceps, from putting weight on them instead of my left knee.This knee injury has given me a horrifying glimpse into what my life will be like as I age. I know knee injuries are not exclusive to fat people; there are plenty of knee-surgery veterans in the office, injured by tennis, racquetball, basketball and running. I would be in just as much pain if I weighed 150 pounds less. But for some reason I keep telling myself this wouldn't have happened, or be so bad, if I weren't obese.That's also why I delayed going to the doctor. Work continued to be hectic all week. Being in severe pain from my knee didn't help. I wasn't able to escape until 7 p.m. yesterday. I enjoyed teaching the classes, even though it was hard to stay on my feet and move from cow-orker to cow-orker. I take some evil consolation in the knowledge that the newsroom's computers will be re-ghosted over the weekend. The (l)users will be screaming for their missing files, their misplaced Lotus Notes, and changed settings. Let prick boy deal with them by himself.W2 and I had a 10-minute F2F on Thursday. He's going to take next week off; whether it's sick leave or vacation is still to be fought over. I'll limp over to his place on Monday and we'll watch "Battlebots." Or, if my knee continues its excruciating torment, I'll ask him to come over here.Went to see "Fosse" at the Mechanic this afternoon. Pure magic, as musical theater almost always is. Amazing dancing and song. "Mr. Bojangles" made me cry, as it always does. My favorite was "Hey, Big Spender" from "Sweet Charity."Naturally, the show made me think of what a tortured spirit Bob Fosse was, how he literally self-destructed at age 60 when decades of booze, pills, cigarettes and overwork brought on a fatal heart attack. He was remarkably talented, had his pick of beautiful women, and yet was never satisfied. Deep down, apparently, he believed he was a no-talent loser. Going to the theater and back was struggle. The knee pain is not easing, although it seems to have hit a plateau after weeks of getting worse. Let's hope a downward spiral toward healing is near. I can spend at least the next 48 hours mostly off my feet. I stopped at the grocery and stocked up on goodies. Being in severe pain had taken away my appetite. Yesterday, I ate nothing all day but fruit juice. I'm only just now going to have a real meal. jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-09-24 11:32:56 Bernadette099
Being a person with knee problems and excessive weight, I understand your initial delay in going to the doctor. I hope ou can make it until thursday. Hopefully, someone will cancel and you can get in sooner. Call and ask? (I'm such a mom, yech!) He might mention working on losing some, but I think the total pain is not the sole cause of the horrible pain you are in.. Keep your leg elevated higher than your heart if possible. I worry that it is a blood clot...I will keep checking in. Try to stay off of it as much as possible.

---End notes---

2000-09-24 13:00:20 Slight improvement

Got virtually no sleep last night, and my appetite still isn't back. (I guess that's not necessarily a bad thing). Knee pain is about the same. I'm shuffling around the house with the walker. For about two minutes after standing up, the pain is too severe to put my full weight on my left leg. Then it eases. I can walk slowly, but unassisted. I am keeping my knee elevated, Bernadette. Except when I'm at the computer (time for a wireless keyboard?), I sit in my recliner with my leg elevated and only slightly bent; same in bed. The sitting up, with the knee bent at 90 degrees, causes the most difficulty later when standing.The stiffness in my calf and Achilles' tendon have eased somewhat.I am glad that I had the foresight to buy this house. It's a rancher, and all my living space is on one floor, no steps, and a wheelchair ramp entrance. There is a single step to the glass-enclosed patio.The second past owner, not the man I bought the house from, used a wheelchair and renovated the house to make it accessible. However, the cat litter and washer and dryer are in the basement. I hobble down there once daily, with my cordless phone in my pocket in case I fall and can't make it back up the stairs, to do a load of laundry and clean the litter.I might call W2 tonight and ask him to come over here instead of my visiting him tomorrow. He can haul the trash to the curb for me. I have difficulty asking for help and I hate appearing to be so weak. Plus he's already done so much for me, I'd hate for him to think that my friendship with him is based only on what he can do for me. Amazing, this knee injury has even diminished my lust for W2. But except for my reduced appetites, my mood is better today. See how being away from work makes life better?jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-09-25 07:47:41 Keana
Oh girl, I know how the knee pain can incapacitate you. My mom has the same problem. Hers is sciatica (spelling) and other knee problems. She uses a foldable cane. Real handy to keep around. Be careful on the stairs! Thanks for your note on my entry. :)

2000-09-25 17:16:04 citigirl
sorry to read about your pain. please hang in there. you sound like a very very strong woman. hopefully you will get better soon.

---End notes---

2000-09-26 12:05:21 Relief

Knee pain eased somewhat today. I can pretty much walk unaided. It's still a bitch putting weight on my left leg when I first stand up, but I'm certainly seeing improvement. What a freaking relief.Don't worry, I'll still see the doc on Thursday. I'd sure like to know what caused this, put a name on it (PCL strain?) and find out when I can go back to walking and swimming for exercise.But I think the best thing was not being at work. I checked my messages and e-mails, and the whining about changed settings, finding Lotus Notes, etc, was incessant, just as I predicted. Glad I was able to skip that.Prick boy messaged about the satellite phone. I have no idea where it is. I last saw it in my file cabinet before the newsroom moved from the fifth floor to the second in the spring. Damn thing wasn't worth the effort and weight anyway. Let prick boy buy a real phone for whoever needs it.I did nothing at home, cuz I was trying to rest my knee. Bills have piled up, I can't see my desk surface in my home office, and I've got to do some mending or I won't have anything to wear to work.W2 came over this evening. He took the trash to the curb, brought my laundry up from the basement, filled my car's gas tank and inflated the fires. We went out to dinner (my appetite is mostly back) and he told me stories about the ACES convention (he worked his ass off) and we had our usual good time. He loved the "Battlebots" tape and is planning a destructive bot of his own.W2 is off for two weeks to rest his wrists. He'll do therapy and acupuncture this week and visit his parents maybe starting Friday.I'm glad to seem him getting away from the hell that is work. And in just six weeks, I'll be away as well.Thanks, all, for your concern about my knee. I'm not out of the woods yet, and I'm still not even sure if I'm going to work in the morning. But the fact that I feel improvement is most heartening for me. I'll be back swimming a half-mile in no time.jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-09-27 03:25:42 peacemaker
kick back!!!
you have a perfect opportunity! I have usually taken the opportunity to refocus my life when I was flat on my back with an illness. It is a good time to force yourself to reprioritize and heal. If you don't take care of you who will? Take a deep breath and call in sick. The (l)users will make it without you.

---End notes---

2000-09-27 21:01:30 Return to routine

Stumbled back to work today after taking Tuesday off. It was a brilliant decision to stay home on Tuesday: The (l)users were still in full whine over the system upgrade. Even the alleged Help Desk left a message on my voice mail seeking guidance. Prick boy said he was glad I was back.I went to Harford County to help SL. She drove and with the weather being beautiful, it was glorious to get out into the country for a half-day. SL maintains a positive attitude despite enduring horrific losses. Her 25-year-old son took his own life two years ago this month. Her 40-year-old sister is dying of a rare form of cancer and is suffering horribly from treatment her husband is guilting her into enduring. Her mother has lung cancer. Yet SL is pleasant and sweet-tempered. It was good to spend time with her to keep things in perspective.My knee is much better. The excruciating pain when first standing is gone. There's still pain, all right, and I can't get anywhere near up to my blazing 2 mph walking pace, but there's been significant improvement. I will see the doctor tomorrow morning, but I no longer need serious painkillers.I also got some serious sleep on Tuesday. I no longer feel like a zombie.Goddamn Karl sidled up to me this afternoon as if nothing had happened. Not a word about my knee, not a word about how rude he was to me last week. He just wanted to show off his new cell phone. Why do I continue to pretend I consider him a friend? He's such an egotistical self-righteous asshole.jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-09-28 07:39:18 Authentic Woman
It's when I hear about people like your friend that I wonder why I bother bitchin about all of my insignificancies and injustices that I feel are a part of my life......I admire your friend. Take care of your poor knee! A.W.

---End notes---

2000-09-28 20:59:21 arthritis

Doctor says my knee pain is caused by arthritis aggravated by a sprain. I'm to take it easy for another week, then ease back to walking on a level surface. Swimming is strongly encouraged. I must avoid stairs, and stay off bicycles. Keep popping the Advil.I went without a cane today for the first time in a week. Still pain upon standing, and walking hurts a little. After being at work nearly all day, my leg is quite stiff, something that vanished when I was at home. Further evidence that the stress at work and attendant involuntary tightening of muscles, (picture a clenched jaw) add to my suffering.(L)users, of course, won't cut me any slack. I've been hobbling around the newsroom dealing with their silly problems. I've only had this gig for 18 months, and already I hate most of them. Such whining, incompetent, helpless, demanding crybabies. It's a wonder they can dress themselves.Was wide awake all night last night. Funny how the pressure of going to work affects me so negatively. JL had a will-to-live-sapping conversation with prick boy and was seriously depressed. I was kind of at a loss, because I always count on JL to cheer me up when I'm angry with our boss, and I fear I didn't do a good job of making him feel better. Prick boy has that effect on everyone. How he got to a position of power, I'll never know. W2 has been off, nursing his injured hands and arms. He sent me e-mail tonight inquiring how the doctor visit went and detailing his plans for a jumping Battlebot. I'm glad I brought a smile to his face. He's been a good friend, and that is something exceedingly precious and rare.jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

2000-09-28 21:36:52 How to prevent a flame war

It's not like me to post twice within the same hour. And I also don't address my diary to readers. But after I posted, I read through Authentic Woman's diary (you go, girl!) and the flame war going on in the comments.This kind of increasingly vitriolic back-and-forth is exactly the reason I stopped frequenting news groups several years ago. I've been on the Internet longer most people, and I've seen flame wars destroy otherwise useful, productive and fun online relationships.I know I cannot take a stand without using my real name. At the end of this entry will be identifying information instead o my Deary Diary pseudonym. (Or, to put it more crudely, I got yer anonymous right here!)I'm going to say this ONCE:If anyone posts anything that you find offensive, DO NOT RESPOND. I know this is nearly impossible for most people to do. The belief that somehow you can persuade an apparently wrong-thinking person with your prose and logic to your side is as strong as it is unrealistic.Understand this: People who post rude, hurtful, thoughtless and just plain mean comments do it solely for the pleasure of picking fights. Ignore them, and these cowards (and there are few things more cowardly than taking potshots at people under the cloak of anonymity) will take their hateful little game elsewhere. Kasey Jones (kasey@kaseyjones.net)aka Jane Skye So

---Notes---

2000-09-29 10:12:52 y2kbugged
well said... i hope some people get your message and take it to heart... this is a fantastic idea and a great place to share thoughts ... ideas.. experiences... and lend support... we don't want or need a bunch of immature idiots ruining it!!!...

and if you any where near boston... I WANT THE JOB!!!!

2000-09-29 23:56:03 peacemaker
I second those thoughts. I try not to get sucked into pointless battles, as well. Keeping focused on the positive is hard to do. It is frequently easy to get caught up in having the last word.

2000-09-30 16:47:26 Authentic Woman
HEAR, HEAR!!!! I totally agree! When has it become such a crime as to feel, think, and reason? Thank you and very well said Kasey. AW

2000-10-02 15:14:36 jinxaspen
Thanks for the advice. My pen is somewhat faster than my logic at times as to be seen. ~JWA

---End notes---

2000-10-01 11:54:42 Relapse

My doctor will probably ask me, "Just what part of 'Take it easy' didn't you understand?" Had a hectic day at work on Friday. Network servers crashed at three remote offices. Then, at 3:30 p.m., crunch time for many reporters and editors, a power cable that serves one-third of the newsroom failed. My work site is the size of football field. I spent the next two hours hopping from computer to computer like some dread-locked, gimpy Jack-in-the-box, retrieving stories and walking the clueless through the reboot procedure. My knee had felt much better. I was without the cane, and as W2 pointed out later, adrenaline probably kicked in and masked the pain. I left work at 6:30 p.m. As I was walking to my car, my knee started to hurt more and get weak. I was not surprised or alarmed. But when I got to the grocery, during the 20-foot walk from my car to the store entrance, the pain suddenly went to agonizing, far worse than it had been a week ago. My left let could not hold my weight. I grabbed a shopping cart, leaned on it and hobbled to the back of the store to buy a cane, and hobbled out, terrified my knee was going to give out and I was going to fall. I drove home and barely made it inside the house and into bed. By this time my leg, from the middle of my thigh to my Achilles' tendon, was in pain and spasms. I could not put my leg in any position that it didn't hurt horribly. I called my HMO's after-hours line. I discovered later that my cordless phone doesn't ring, so it was two hours before I got to talk with the triage nurse. She had my chart there, which noted my visit the day before with my internist. She pointed out that I, by my own admission, had not done any of what I my doctor told me to do (take it easy, take Advil every four hours, ice my knee every four hours). She said that I had aggravated the sprained ligament and the muscles that were working extra to help out. The nurse ordered me stay off the knee for a week and to call my doctor on Monday. She also said my HMO did not require prior authorization for emergency room visits, if the agonizing pain continued longer than 12 hours. I was still crazed with pain, so I made a semi-hysterical late-night call to W2. He helped me calm down, asking if my knee was swollen (only slightly); if there were any black-and-blue marks (no) and if the pain extended to my lower back (no). He said those would all be bad signs, but of course, if I wanted, he would take me to the ER. I decided not to go to the ER. It was Friday night, and in this decaying East Coast metropolis, most hospital emergency rooms are filled with car accident, shooting and stabbing victims and drug overdoses. Getting treatment for a knee sprain would take several hours. The worst of the pain eased by 6 a.m. Saturday. I got some sleep. Today, the pain is much less, but I still can't put much weight on my left leg. I've been hobbling around with my walker. W2 spent most of Saturday helping me. He did the grocery shopping, fetched my mail and newspapers, took out the trash, poured 20 pounds of cat food into an easy-to-reach container, and kept me entertained and laughing, which helped ease the pain. So my foolish tendency toward overwork has cost me big-time. I am pretty much housebound, and can do little more than watch TV and read. I certainly won't be going to work this week, and possibly into next week. I will call my doctor on Monday, but I hope I can just get her to call the pharmacy with a scrip for painkillers. Hobbling to the clinic, waiting for hours, just for her to tell me to stay off the knee, seems like a waste of time.jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-10-01 14:53:58 Authentic Woman
Well, it seems that W2 has come thru for you in your time of need.....hmmmmm. YOU BEHAVE YOURSELF and go easy with that knee. You want to "heal" don't you? AW

2000-10-01 20:55:10 peacemaker
don't feel so bad; I also do much against my better judgement. It is so nice that you have W2. Is he a tax guy or something? He is golden!

2000-10-02 15:16:38 jinxaspen
Please take it easy as much as you can. My doctor suggested taking a few days off of work after he operated on my tongue. HA! As if... ~JWA

---End notes---

2000-10-02 15:17:08 Recuperation

Third day trapped inside the house. The weather has been wonderful, so I'm unhappy that I can't frolic outside. But heal I must. Still can't really or walk without assistance. I took a shower, mostly standing on my good leg. Otherwise I'm keeping off it, resting, icing and popping Advil. Ann stopped by on her way from work to change the cat litter. The litter and the washer and dryer are in the basement. Mom is coming tomorrow and will do a few loads of laundry for me. The maid service will clean house on Thursday. I'm just reading and watching TV and playing on the computer. I am monitoring my work e-mail and messages, mostly just responding that I'll be out sick all week and suggesting that the (l)users tell their computer problems to someone who gives a damn. Not really about that last part.I've decided to start using first names in my postings. Writing initials does not feel natural. Anyway, the likelihood of anyone I know stumbling across this diary is pretty small.Peace asked if W2 is a tax guy. I wish I could be that clever in creating pseudonyms. His name is Wayne. When he started work in my former department, there was already a man named Wayne, so people started calling the new guy Wayne2. I started calling him Wayne2K as the year 2000 approached. He likes that so much that he signs his e-mail Wayne2K. (Don't tell y2kbugged!)And yes, Wayne is golden. I want him for a lover, but I'm extremely lucky to have him as a friend.I know I'm supposed to be resting, but I'm simply not the type to lounge around without feeling tremendously guilty. I keep telling myself I can rest my knee and still be productive. I could be redesigning my Web site or working on my genealogy chart or cataloguing my CD collection and converting the files to MP3s. Maybe I'll feel up to some of that later. I've always found it to be ironic that such a workaholic could have married such a bone-idle man as my ex-husband, the Rat Bastard. One day I should really look deep inside myself and figure out what could have motivated me to make such obvious bad choice.But I digress. (Couldn't resist!)I'm getting good sleep, something I had been unable to do for weeks. My mood is much better, and being away from work has a lot to do with that. I'll do as much as my body lets me do. jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-10-02 15:24:07 jinxaspen
Can I borrow the phrase "rat bastard" ? I think I know someone who fits it. I'm glad you are resting up. ~JWA

---End notes---

2000-10-04 22:25:03 Heal thyself

Took a brief stroll outside today. Left knee and leg are pretty stiff. I need to stretch and start walking more. On Tuesday, a high-strung reporter called me at home, knowing I was recovering from an injury, and demanded that I help her with her laptop problem. Normally, I would try to calm her down, as I always do at work, but I really was not in the mood. I was polite but blew her off. Just as I hung up the phone, spasms started in my leg. Stressed? Not me. Lorena stopped by today, clean the cat litter and did a load of laundry. Jen called and might stop by Friday. Jen said she guessed Wayne was the "dear and generous friend" I referred to in my electronic message asking people at work for help while I'm laid up. She said, "He's very fond of you." Yes, he is. We've had this strange relationship for more than a year. We spend more time together than some couples who are lovers. Wayne likes being around me, and his affection for me is obvious even to others. (John L. commented on it months ago.) But he isn't sexually attracted to me, and probably never will be. Too bad, because I'm in lust and in love with him. He has much of what I want in a man: He's smart, funny, hardworking, calm, honest, generous and relatively sane and stable. A genuinely nice guy. His actions this past week reinforced all this. My only question is why some other woman hasn't seen all he has and snapped him up. The PB doesn't count, of course. She was an evil idiot. I could fill his life with so much happiness; I could give him the love he deserves. But Wayne doesn't want me that way. I'll have to be content with his friendship, something I'm very lucky to have, even if I want more. Sigh. You can't always get what you want. jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

2000-10-06 14:30:59 Unresolved sexual tension

Drove and went out alone today for the first time in a week. Went to supermarket to get cash, Starbucks for my iced decaf venti mocha, and Chinese food carryout for lunch. Just walking around the little strip shopping center took forever, and my leg is quite stiff. No severe pain, though. Talked with my systems partner, John L. for about 10 minutes today. He said the (l)users have found where he is hiding, working on agate, and have been calling him for tech support when they discover I'm out. He says he desperately wants me back at work, but also said to take as long as I need to recover. He said god used this injury to tell me to give my body a break. John also said stuff has happened at work. He hinted at it in a cryptic e-mail on Thursday, saying he had talked to Jean, our boss' boss. He also said he wanted to fill me in, but didn't want to discuss it on the phone at work, so he would try to call me at home over the weekend. He intimated that prick boy, our boss, might be in trouble with the higher ups. I can't wait to get the details about that! My plan now is to go to work on Monday for four hours. John reminded me how hard it is to leave once I get there, how often he and I have tried to leave at the end of a 10-hour shift and still the (l)users are pulling on us. I shall have to be firm in my resolve to bolt after four hours. On Thursday, Margaret came over early and brought me a sausage McMuffin with egg from McDonald's. I had been craving one for days. Wayne came over at 5 p.m. Thursday. He installed a bathtub rail so I have something to hold on to in the shower. He took the trash to the curb and went grocery shopping for me. What an amazing man. Wayne brought about 300 pictures he had taken on various trips. They included his trips to Alaska, New Orleans, Canada and Cuba. I was most interested in the ones from Cuba, because it has long been a dream of mine to go there.There is an embargo on travel by U.S. citizens to Cuba. Many Americans go there anyway, traveling from a third country, such as Canada or the Bahamas. Also, journalists, which Wayne and I are, can get permission to travel there. Wayne went illegally in 1993, with a journalist friend who has relatives there.Wayne took many pictures in places where photographs are forbidden. The photos were amazing and gave a real look into the life Cubans struggle through and the suffering the U.S. embargo brings.There were also a few pictures of Wayne that his friend took. Wayne had more hair, darker hair (he's got a lot of gray now) and was a little thinner. Kind of like Jerry Garcia when he wasn't using.We went to Don Pablo's for dinner. I had two pina coladas, (well, Wayne was driving!), and we had a wonderful meal. We talked about all kinds of stuff, revealing funny and poignant and intimate details about ourselves. I thanked Wayne again (as I have incessantly all week) for being such a good friend and for going to so much trouble for me. He pooh-poohed my effusive gratitude, and said he had gotten far more out of our friendship than he had given. The combination of my excitement at getting out of the house for the first time in days, spending quality time with Wayne, watching as he so eagerly shared his pictures and stories with me, and the pina coladas made me hornier than Bill Clinton on intern orientation day. It was all I could do for the rest of the evening to keep from jumping Wayne and having my way with him, to keep from touching and tasting every square centimeter of his body, to keep from enveloping his manhood not in my goddess-like aura that he always talks about, but in my … well, you know. We watched the "Battlebots" and ate Dove bars. When he left, I gave him a peck on the cheek, and he put his hand briefly on my waist as I did. After he left, I fantasized about Wayne touching me many other places, as I touched myself and relieved my sexual tension alone. Wayne is off to spend the weekend with his parents in upstate New York. I'm glad he's getting some time to do some fun things. I'll spend the weekend easing back to walking and getting ready to return to work. Maybe I'll indulge in some more imaginative synthesis again. jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-10-07 09:45:02 Authentic Woman
a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do....maybe with any luck, Wayne will be touching all the places you fantacized about when you were alone.?! Just tell him to leave his camera at home. AW

---End notes---

2000-10-07 22:18:05 Hindsight

Postings from earlier diaries: May 3: Stress of the impending office move is getting to me, ... I feel like Tweek in "South Park," all twitchy and jumpy. May 17: I'm getting burned out. ... Man, I am beat. May 24: I am so exhausted. I'm not sleeping much, when I do I have nightmares, and despite spending the bulk of the weekends in bed, I never feel refreshed or rested.May 29: I slept most of Sunday. I knew I was sleep-deprived; I just had no idea how much. May 29: it's clear that I'm exhausted and burned out … I cannot continue to pretend that my stress level is manageable.June 2: i can't sleep, i can't relax … a burned-out woman on the verge of collapse, who, luckily … is too exhausted to take out any white trolls when she finally snaps. June 10: I have been hideously overworked. I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. I have been run ragged by the (l)users and forced to deal beyond what I would have believed was my endurance.June 15: The demands at work are incessant and, at times, completely unreasonable. July 19: I'm doing too much work and suffering too much stress and nothing back for this nonsense. Aug. 9: I'm exhausted, depressed and in pain. Aug. 27: Many days I feel hideous and freakish. Many days my low self-esteem overwhelms me. Many days I hate myself and find the struggle to live almost not worth the effort.Sept. 6: The past two days have been a nightmare. … I worked 10 hours on Tuesday, … I worked straight through lunch today, and was so hungry I felt faint …Sept. 14: The week has been tough so far. … I can't sleep, I'm exhausted and depressed. … I come home after work, but I'm too wired and too sad to rest.Sept. 18: It's only Monday and already I'm exhausted. It's as if the weekend never took place. … I'm just absolutely beat and in pain. Despite the fatigue, sleep eludes me.Sept. 21: I'm on the verge of collapse. … I came home last night and laid down, and felt sad and angry and cried. Sept. 24: Got virtually no sleep last night, and my appetite still isn't back. Sept. 28: Was wide awake all night last night. Funny how the pressure of going to work affects me so negatively. And from Wayne in an e-mail on July 21: "if you don't watch out for yourself, no one will. ultimately, your suffering does no one any good, but will harm others." Getting laid up this week was inevitable. I should be grateful that it was a muscle in my leg, and not my heart, that collapsed under the stress and overwork I've endured for the last several months. Yeah, hindsight is always 20/20, but anyone could see I've been flirting with disaster these last several months.Now that I'm feeling better, I need to ensure that this doesn't happen again. This overworking nonsense has got to stop. I need to undergo major attitude adjustments to be strong and just say no to the evil forces at work that try to guilt people into going above and beyond routinely.Time, probably, to get back in therapy and understand what is driving me to such self-destructiveness.***Got short e-mail from Wayne that he arrived safely at his parents'. What a sweetie, letting me know that he's OK. I hope he's having a carefree time with his family and friends.jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

2000-10-11 21:36:19 Working girl

Whoa, haven't posted since Saturday. That's what being back at work does to me. Suddenly no more free time. My knee is about 98 percent healed. I worked 5 hours on Monday, eight hours and Tuesday and Wednesday. I put aside the cane on Wednesday and did grocery shopping after work. So far, things haven't been oppressive. A few machines were upgraded, but no major problems. Two network hiccups on Wednesday made things a little hectic, but I'm feeling pretty good. I hope I get back to swimming next week. Now that it's cooled off, I'm a little less motivated to get into the pool. But I need the exercise. I'm not going to try walking for exercise for at least another week. I have been spending some of my limited spare time upgrading my Web site. It's sat untouched for more than three years. I'm adding Javascript and DHTML to tart it up. I'm going to post many more pictures (Wayne is not the only person who knows who to use a camera; I've got more than a thousand pictures from my tropical vacations alone), some in slide shows. It's going to be pretty awesome. I'm going to wait until I'm back from Hawaii and have created that page before I post it. I hope to have it up in time for my winter solstice party on December 17. (We atheists have holidays, too!) Selecting, scanning and cropping photos is taking considerable time. Trying to get all the programming to work is also time-consuming. I still haven't figured out how to change my page margins to allow borders, for example. It took nearly three hours for me to figure out how to add backgrounds. But I'm learning, and that's what counts. Wayne got back from visiting his parents on Monday night. We had F2F chats at work Tuesday and Wednesday. He got the cookies I had sent to thank him for his help when I was laid up. He's so easy to please when chocolate is involved. Jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-10-11 21:51:41 peacemaker
I read your last entry and was also shocked at the stress that is apparent. I can identify with your sleep interruption, and your crashing on the weekends same here.
I may go to a workshop on workaholics. It is a transfer addiction. It is the only socially
applauded addiction.
Hey take care of that knee and pretend that it is only 50% healed.

2000-10-12 20:15:17 Authentic Woman
Jane_S_S~go easy on yourself.....and those knees. You have the rest of your life to 'walk', but only if your knees are fully healed....waaaaahhhh...enough with the maternal shit. AW

---End notes---

2000-10-15 21:48:23 All stressed up, no place to go

Tried to do all the things I planned this weekend. Nothing got finished, but I picked at several things. Have been chipping away at the Web site. It's coming together, but the tweaking takes forever! I thought I'd finish the Hawaii page this weekend, but I haven't. Home office desk is still a mess, and I haven't sorted my new online banking stuff so I can actually get started paying bills with my broker. And I didn't get the pictures up, or the candles arranged in the fireplace. Spent Sunday afternoon with my mother. We went to lunch and then saw "The Madwoman of Chaillot" at a local theater group. Play was long and uninspired. Mom continues to be concerned about my stressing out at work. She even suggested that I get another job. That was a shock, because she has always acted as if I had to cling to this job like Bill Clinton to an intern's ears. Previously, she always pooh-poohed my complaints, saying that's how everybody's job is. Now she's suggesting I bail. I mentioned a tuition-and-stipend program at the University of North Carolina that would pay me to get a Ph.D in journalism in 27 months. She pointed out that graduate school is much different from undergrad; that studying and preparing for a doctorate has its own intense stresses; and I'd be away from familiar faces and things while I was doing it. So much for that plan. My hope now is to be able to cut back to four days a week when I turn 50 in 20 months. That seems unlikely, though; my beneficent employer has very few part-timers. Maybe I can retire at 55 sted 59, and get part-time work elsewhere. After the market crashed last week, even that seems unlikely. My 401(k) only lost 7.5 percent on Thursday, and recouped 40 percent of that loss on Friday, but I fear the times of big market gains (my 401(k) had a 42 percent return last year and a 25 percent return a few years before that)are over. I'll be lucky to get a 10 percent return for the remaining time before I have to tap into it. If that's the case, I won't have enough to stop working at 55. Anyway, I'll be working from 4 p.m. until midnight (yawn) Monday and Tuesday, so I'll be able to get a few things done at home during the day. I'm relieved to be going back to a noon to 8 p.m. shift starting Wednesday; it will allow me to get more sleep in the morning, go to the gym after work and still get home before 10 p.m. Wayne and I had a few F2F meetings this week. He's bored reading proofs, but he's still on limited duty and can't use the computers at work. We've exchanged a few e-mails. Mom wants to meet him. I guess I've been blabbing about him. I'll probably try to get over to his place a week from Monday, after work, to visit my posters and get a few things set up on his home computer.Jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-10-16 22:25:41 peacemaker
great title; I liked the intern's ears analogy too.

---End notes---

2000-10-17 20:57:20 Night shift

Got two hours to go until I can bail this hellhole. My knee started to ache last night after a relatively calm shift, but having to cross the football field that is my department several times. It's too quiet in my semi-private office. I prefer to be out on the floor where the action is.Sleep, predictably, is disturbed. I was up until 2 a.m., then awoke at 8 a.m. Tomorrow I've got to be at work at noon, so I'll have to get up at 10:30 a.m.Been working on my Web site. (Can you say obsessed?) There are so many little details to keep track of. Wayne and the guy at www.websitesthatsuck.com persuaded me to abandon the page transitions. I'm trying hard not to clutter the pages up, yet still make them attractive. It's like me and makeup: too much and I look like a clown; too little, and I look like I haven't slept in a week and am coming down with Ebola virus.Trying to maintain that balance AND be all things to all browsers, all bandwidths, all machines and all potential visitors is rough. And I'm not certain it's a good idea or attainable goal. I remember when the Internet was text only. Not very exciting, but anyone with a cheap, slow computer, grainy monitor and 2,400-baud modem could view anything posted anywhere.I wouldn't give up the pictures and graphics for anything, and I'm willing to surrender a little color here or Javascript there to make my page accessible. But one site suggests making sure users with Netscape 1.1 could view my site. Are they nuts? Anyone who hasn't upgraded from Netscape 1.1 doesn't deserve to see my site!jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

2000-10-21 06:38:22 Respite

Ah, the weekend! Early morning waking, so I checked e-mail and will write in MDD a bit. Yesterday was the worst I've had at work since I got back. Prick boy and John were off, so I was the sole newsroom support until the Harris engineer got in at 4 p.m. (L)users kept me jumping, and prick boy called from home to have me look for acoustic couplers for one reporter who insists on filing with a 13-year-old Radio Shack 200. Get some technology made in this decade, fer crissakes! I had to climb on a unsteady stool to reset a modem and then dig through the crap that prick boy refuses to throw away. Finally found the infernal couplers, only to learn that resetting the modems did the trick and the reporter will continue using his ancient Radio Shack computer. Add that to running around the newsroom, and my knee is swollen badly. It aches, but nowhere near the amount of several weeks ago, and I have no trouble walking. Been doing the ice-Advil-elevating thing, and will keep off it as much as possible today. Prick boy wanted me to work tonight; I refused. I surely would blow out my knee working six straight days. I agreed to take help calls at home, however. Tomorrow, going to see "Aida" with Mom. It's the local opera company's 50th anniversary, and they're putting on the huge spectacle. I've only seen rock operas on stage. This should be great. (It had better be. Tickets were $125 apiece.) After Mom heads back, I'll take dinner over to Wayne's place and we'll hang out on his night off. He's concerned about my knee, but I promised to call and cancel if it gets worse. He's been proofreading my Web pages. What a man. Will he never stop being good to me? It's only making my lust for/crush on him worse.Jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-10-21 19:10:15 peacemaker
attack that guy will ya! He will enjoy a bj and be back for more.

2000-10-21 21:09:02 Fyresetter
peace!!!! i am shocked at you {grin}

---End notes---

2000-10-23 12:28:42 Aida

Busy Sunday, so I'll probably be exhausted on Monday. Went to brunch with Mom, then sat through 3 hours, 20 minutes of "Aida" at the symphony hall. It was quite a spectacle, with lush costumes and huge sets and lots of scantily clad, buff young men. The singing was great, except for the performer who played Radames, who had a "vocal disruption." I went over to Wayne's around 7:30 p.m. and we watched the World Series game and talked. I brought dinner, and we had a nice time. Wayne was in a pretty frivolous mood, and we laughed a lot. At one point, he was wearing an empty Dove Ice Cream Bars box like a pirate hat. We never fail to have a good time. It's clear that Wayne likes being around me. I fixed Outlook Express on his computer, which is in his bedroom. I asked Wayne if his single-size bed was big enough for non-sleep activities. (How blatant can a girl get?) He said it could be done. Sadly, he did not give me a demonstration.It has been suggested that I jump Wayne and give him a blow job. I've certainly fantasized about doing just that. But I couldn't handle the rejection if he didn't want that, and I don't want to destroy our friendship by trying to push it to something he's not ready for. And if he were ready for sex, he'd let me know, right? After all, he's a man. He's supposed to want sex anyway he can get it.I got two calls from (l)users over the weekend. Not bad; I'm glad I didn't go in on Saturday like prick boy wanted. My knee, which was badly swollen on Friday, is back to normal.I hope Authentic Woman is OK. Many of us on these pages are worried about her. Jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-10-23 09:37:40 Authentic Woman
Yes, I'm ok and huge thanks to you and all of my friends. Please don't worry tho....I will be okay.....I'm more worried about your knee! What in the world have they figured out is wrong? And I think you should just hang in there with the 'friendship' thing for a while longer.....but if you chose to 'jump him for a blowjob', what man would turn it down? LOL AW

2000-10-24 15:53:07 sad_brown_eyes
I agree with AW Jane,
Give the friendship thing a little more time. But don't wait forever! If he doesn't come around eventually, he probably never will. You are smart and funny, and I am quite certain you'll do just fine!

---End notes---

2000-10-26 18:26:03 Trapped

John is back at his desk, so I'm back in the office I share with my supervisor, prick boy. He tries to make small talk with me; I try to ignore him. When I have to talk to him, it's a major struggle to get basic information out of him. He wants to give all the background and useless drivel rather than just tell me what I need to know and let me escape. But I'm stuck in this job with this idiot supervisor for seven to 11 years. The newsroom was all abuzz. The latest buyout offer was made today. The company wants to get rid of 60 people, 18 of them in the newsroom. Haven't seen the details for the union members yet. I'm sure Wayne isn't eligible; he's only been here two and a half years, and these deals tend to focus on long-timers. Karl might be eligible, though. The nonunion employees, of which I am one, are much more limited. Only the department secretaries are eligible, according to prick boy. So I guess I can't get 15 months pay to leave. The pagination system is acting up big time and no one seems able to fix it. Five computers are down. Will try reghosting, then new network cards next. I hate it when I don't have the solution right away. Been having nightmares, a sign that stress is creeping back. But I only have 15 days until my six-week vacation starts, so I guess I can stand it. Have been pondering more and more getting away from this job. I really don't want to start over anywhere. But I'm also sure my beneficent employer won't let me work part-time, either. So I'd have to leave to find a less stressful gig. Less stressful jobs tend not to pay as well. That means I've got to cut back, pay off my credit cards, and prepare for a leaner lifestyle. That will take at least five years. So I don't see anything changing for the better for a long time. In seven years, I can retire and start taking money from my 401(k) without penalty. I'd rather have enough money in taxable funds for those 4 years, until I turn 59 and a half and can start using my IRAs as well. That seems the most likely scenario. Work at the Nightmare on Calvert Street for seven more years, then bail and pick up odd jobs to supplement my savings. Seven years. Two thousand, five hundred and fifty-five days. Sigh. Hope I can last.jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

2000-10-28 23:26:19 Home, sweet home

Mom is asleep in my bedroom. Her meeting in town ran late and she hates to drive the 40 miles to her place in the dark. I get to sleep in my recliner. My lovely abode is perfect for little ol' me and the cats; with two it gets a little crowded. That's cuz I don't use the rooms the way normal people do. I use the dining room as my second office, the second bedroom as my main office, and the sunroom as my dining room. Unless I finish the basement, a $7,000, month-long job, I will never have a guest bedroom. That's cool; I knew that when I bought this house. The man who lived here before me also lived alone. He had deocrated it exquisitely, so it looked like something out of Metropolitan Home magazine. Of course, the previous owner took his tasteful furniture with him. But I still have the cherry wood kitchen and bath cabinets; the dark green tile floor, bathroom wallpaper and wainscotting; the black kichen appliances; the fireplace with the floor-to-ceiling brick; the custom-made beige drapes; and the built-in china cabinets (which I use to display family photographs and my tiny wooden animal collection). I ripped up the beige carpet to get at the beautiful hardwood floors; replaced the chandelier and kitchen ceiling fans; brought in my own furniture. I'm adding some Georgia O'Keefe posters and I'm still waiting for Wayne to finish framing my Broadway posters, to decorate the mostly bare walls. With my collection of masks, my pictures from my tropical travels, and the odd cartoon print, I've put my personality on quite a lovely home. As a bonus, it's at the end of a cul de sac and backs to another cul de sac. This creates an expanse of land and trees, making it a beautiful, safe, quiet oasis in this decaying metropolis. It's been my sanctuary since I moved in two and half years ago. I'm very lucky to have this house, and I intend to live in it until I shuffle off this mortal coil. I sometimes sit in my sunroom, sipping a Hawaiian Punch, looking out at the trees. I'm reminded of a 25-year-old "Doonesbury" cartoon, in which the residents at Walden pond also marvel at their peaceful little patch of earth. "It's hard to imagine," one character says, "that not far from here is an ongoing scene of almost incomprehensible madness." Which leads me to ... Stayed late at work on Thursday and Friday night, struggling with a problem on six PCs. Prick boy was off and John was out sick, so it was just me supporting the (l)users on Friday. Actually, that was fine, cuz I could handle the troubleshooting alone without prick boy second-guessing me and going into his tin Hitler routine. Not that I solved the PC problem, but I'm getting close. Wayne and I talked quite a bit F2F at work. I was at the copy desk a lot working on the PC issue, and he would stroll over to where I was working and we'd chat. He's totally bored with just reading proofs, but he's still healing from RSI and on limited duty, so there's not much else for him to do. My microwave gave up the ghost, so Wayne will help me bring one home from Best Buy after I get off work on Monday, his day off. He's also off on Sunday, but tends to sleep for 12 to 15 straight hours. He usually goes to bed around 5 a.m. Now that we're back on standard time, most days Wayne won't get out in the sunlight. He's a vampire. I know, because I used to be a vampire. When I lived in Dallas, I worked a 4 p.m. to midnight shift on the copy desk. After work, several of us would go to the bar a block away. When that bar closed at 2 a.m., we'd go to Denny's or some other all-night eatery. I'd often arrive home around 7 a.m. and would fall asleep watching the "Today" show. I'd get up at 3 p.m. and start the whole thing over again. I worked a lot of overtime back then (that's how I was able to pay off a 36-month car loan in 20 months), so I usually only had one day off a week. I'd literally stay in bed that whole day and night. Now, my schedule can change from week to week. For the next two weeks, I'm working noon to 8 p.m., except election night, when I'll start around 3 p.m. and hang around until the last vote is counted, like everyone else in the newsroom. Then, starting Nov. 11, I'll be off for six weeks! Gonna head to Hawaii with Mom from Dec. 2 to Dec. 9. Otherwise, I'll be goofing off around the lovely abode, trying to get caught up with a million things, finish redesgining my Web site, and getting my head together. jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-10-29 04:12:58 peacemaker
Your environment sounds neat. A sheltered and remote (but not really) oasis in the midst of the wacky world. Looking out at the trees sounds fantastic. I have a setting that is similiarly where I would like to live till I kick off.

2000-10-29 08:28:16 Authentic Woman
Lovely! I am envious of tranquility......And Hawaii? Gosh, I hope that you have a blast. But, what's up with Wayne???? Give us the scoop woman! AW

2000-10-29 11:30:08 Keana
Oh man I wanna move in!

2000-10-30 14:33:04 Devilish Angel
Want a roommate? ;) You home sounds heavenly!

---End notes---

2000-10-30 22:52:32 Manic Monday

Prick boy fucked with my schedule. I have to work 4 p.m. to midnight tomorrow, then back to noon to 8 p.m. the rest of the week. I hate being at work that late. I can never get enough sleep with that short turnaround. And on election day, I'll be working 10 a.m. to 6 p.m., although I'll hang around longer to get the company-paid dinner. This disruption of my sleep has gotta stop. Plus software/network problems continue to torment the (l)users and the techs. It was a mostly annoying day. AND, my brakes are squealing. Prick boy even got his nose bent out of shape because I left early tonight. Guess he doesn't like that I have a life. Karl called tonight. He's been out of town and was eager for information about the buyout at work. It appears he's eligible and he says he'll take the year's pay to leave the Nightmare on Calvert Street. I'm a little skeptical, because he doesn't have another job. But he also hates our workplace. Wayne and I went to Best Buy and bought a microwave. He hefted it by himself; I guess the appliances have gotten lighter since mine was made. Now I can enjoy my frozen dinners and reheated leftovers. We went to dinner and Wayne regaled me with his crackpot ideas for a consulting firm; his former lust for a confection called Koo-Koos; and how his parents only use French or Italian dressing. He always keeps me laughing. I told him how I had found the Rat Bastard on the Internet, with a picture, no less. That was a shock. The Rat Bastard looks, except for some gray in his beard, exactly the same as he did when I last saw him 20 years ago. He doesn't seem to have aged. Wayne, being the sweet, sensitive guy that he is, asked me how I felt about seeing the Rat Bastard's picture. I said I felt sad, and I wondered what I had seen in him. Wayne, earlier in the conversation, made his oft-repeated claim that he wasn't a nice guy, that he was devious and evil. I told him that he was as deluded as I was, because he couldn't see that I was devious and evil as well, and scheming even as we spoke. He ate dinner with his usual gusto. I asked him if he was as vocal during the mattress mambo. His response was, "Usually I just whimper and apologize a lot." Gotta love a guy who's not afraid to poke fun at himself. Wayne then said he figured he was "about average" as far as sex vocalizations. He asked me if I were vocal. I said yes, like most of the time, it's hard to keep me quiet. I wonder if he wants to experience my vocalizations firsthand. Not tonight, though, cuz he left right after we got the microwave set up. Jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-10-31 12:09:57 Fyresetter
hi. i think you had better decide quick if you want a lover or a friend, my radar says this guy is getting ready to make his move...good luck, whatever happens

---End notes---

2000-11-02 18:31:34 On the job

Spent most of today trapped with prick boy in our office. We had to collaborate on several things, so I couldn't avoid interacting with him. I did track down the settlement from Toshiba which I singlehandedly found out about and filed for on behalf of my beneficent employer. Just under $5,000 will be winging its way here soon. Quite a feather in my cap, to have retrieved that kind of money for the company. Had the first F2F in months with John, my putative systems partner. He finally gave me details about the conversation he had with prick boy's supervisor, Jean, several weeks ago. John initiated the conversation because he was unhappy with prick boy's evaluation of him. John told Jean that he, John, doesn't trust prick boy and doesn't like the way prick boy treats people, especially me. John gave details (among prick boy's many mistakes has been criticizing me in front of John). Jean seemed surprised but interested in learning of prick boy's poor management. I don't know what will happen next. I have mixed feelings. I'm glad to have John on my side and I'm glad he's standing up for me. But I hate the fact that someone has to stand up for me. I hate the fact that I let prick boy get to me. And I hate not being able to take care of myself, by myself, on the job. I get my feminist dander up anytime I feel a man is protecting me or defending me. That makes me feel weak and helpless and hoo boy, do I hate that feeling. But it's my problem. John did the right thing. Prick boy and his evil ways must be stopped.jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

2000-11-03 04:31:14 The Wayne Chronicles, take 1

I started keeping a diary in December 1999. I kept it on my home computer only. In April 2000, a bad executable hosed my OS and I had to reformat my hard drive. I foolishly had not backed up my diary onto a floppy, a Web-based storage site, or even printed out hard copies. I lost it all. I mention this because many of those entries contained documented the evolution of my deranged relationship with Wayne. To get stuff clear for me (and my readers), I'm going to give deep background. Beware: A lot of this stuff is stream-of-consciousness. The Internet has destroyed my ability to think in a linear fashion. Also, it's long. I've broken it up into three takes. You've been warned. Wayne started to work at my company, in my department, in April 1998. His first day was the day the paper won a Pulitzer Prize, so there was a lot of celebrating and frivolity and a big bash at a nearby reception hall. I don't have much memory of him from then. As far as I was concerned, he was just another middle-aged white guy infesting the newsroom. I was glad that he had so much (20 years) experience in the biz and figured he would bring some much-needed maturity and talent to the desk. At this time in my life, I had long given up hope that I would have a love relationship again. I had been celibate for more than a decade (still am) and believed (and still do) that because of my weight, no man will see me as a sexual being, as a potential lover. Men enjoy my company -- I'm smart, funny and easy to get along with, and I'm good at feigning interest in whatever is important to them. But most men want a woman who looks a certain way -- and 300 pounds on a 5-foot, 8-inch frame, middle-aged frame ain't that way. Just because I was celibate didn't mean I wasn't horny as hell. I certainly fantasized about men I knew, but never considered they would be interested. That was my life. If I had to pick a physical type that I'm attracted to, it isn't Wayne. I like tall, dark-skinned black men. Wayne is a short, pasty-faced white guy. But, like many women, I'm not terribly affected by the way a man looks. I once heard this on a sit-com, and I think it's absolutely true: Men fall in love with the women they are attracted to. Women are attracted to the men they love. And I'm sure Wayne's fantasies of a girlfriend did not include a black woman is four years old than him, two inches taller than him and more than 100 pounds heavier than him.Anyway, Wayne and I worked together on the desk for several months, until I got promoted to my current job as servant to the (l)users -- I mean, computer systems administrator. During this time, we would go out together with a group to ball games, parties, bars, etc. But there was nothing different from the normal working friendship. Like most journalists, Wayne has a rapier-like wit, is well read, highly educated and can converse intelligently on subjects ranging from baseball to jazz to Shakespeare. He fit in well and did well on the job.We first bonded over e-mail. I was delighted to find someone else who had and used e-mail. (I know it's hard to believe, but even to this day, as the millennium draws to a close, fewer than a third of my friends have personal e-mail addresses.) Wayne started sending me jokes, articles, links and stuff, via e-mail, and we started having this e-mail-based relationship, even though we saw each other most days at work.I'm not certain when Wayne and I started spending time away from work together as just the two of us. I do remember him asking me for help in buying a new computer, and I went with him to a Gateway store, and when the computer was delivered, I helped him set it up. We would go out to dinner occasionally, and he would help me with minor repairs around the house. He loves working with power tools. As we spent more time together, I started getting inside his head with personal questions. (Hey, it's not for nothing that I'm an award-winning, nationally published journalist.) I asked about his past loves, and not about just the standard details. I asked how he felt, how intensely he loved, how hurt he was when things ended, how he viewed the relationships in retrospect, what he would do differently, what he learned.Of course, while I getting in his head, he was getting in mine. (Hey, it's not for nothing that he's a journalist with a national reputation.) Wayne gave as good as he got. He asked the same kinds of questions of me. I began to feel we were developing an emotional intimacy.But there was never any physical contact. Wayne never reached for my hand, never put his hand on my back or took my arm went we walked. I would sometimes kiss him goodnight on the cheek, and the first few times, he seemed uncomfortable, although now he even leans in for it.So, one Friday in early December 1999, while Wayne was at my house after work, I screwed up my courage and asked him if he saw us as being more than friends. He said, no, and was very concerned that we could still be friends. I said of course, it was cool.However, I was devastated. I viewed this as a rejection of me as a woman, of my sexuality. I was certain that he didn't want a sexual relationship because he wasn't attracted to me, that he found me ugly, that sex was not something he thought about in context with me. I felt foolish that I had deluded myself into believing that a man could want me that way. I felt embarrassed that I put my deeply secret feelings into words. And I was terrified that I had made Wayne so uncomfortable that I had destroyed our friendship. My question about us being more than friends was like toothpaste -- once it's out, there's no getting it back in the tube.Take 2 follows.jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

2000-11-03 04:33:31 The Wayne Chronicles, take two

At first, my fears seems to come true. Wayne acted weird around me for the next few weeks. He seemed uncomfortable, didn't visit in my cubicle as often just to chat, and in general seemed, while not exactly avoiding me, uncertain how to behave around me.Again, I can't put my finger on when things got better. That was in my lost diary, and that is a big gap in figuring out what's going on. But Wayne and I got over our discomfort and by late January were pretty much back to where we were before. We'd go out to dinner occasionally, he'd do minor repairs on the lovely abode, and we'd hang out together. And exchange e-mail.I can, however, pinpoint the time when I started to wonder just what the hell was going on inside this guy's brain. In early February 2000, Wayne took a three-week vacation, a road trip to visit friends and family in several states. Although he doesn't have plants or fish or a pet, he wanted me to check on his apartment a few times during his absence. He gave me a key to his place.His final e-mail before departing gave basic instructions, and strongly hinted for me to check the freezer. There was a package of Dove ice cream bars, my favorite treat. This guy stocked his fridge with treats for me. That isn't exactly a "just friends" gesture, at least in my eyesHere's the kicker. I left him a huge box of Godiva chocolates. Wayne loves chocolate almost as much as power tools. When he got back, he brought the box to work to share, as I expected he would. He sent out the following intra office electronic message: "Chocolates given to me by a goddess available at my desk."A goddess?!?!?!Wayne had taken to calling me goddess or La Diosa in his e-mails. That was our little joke. But until then it was just between us.All evening, people were asking Wayne who the goddess was. He coyly refused to say. Am I nuts, or is goddess not exactly a "just friends" term of affection? And making it public? Deliberating implying to his co-workers that he had an intimate relationship with a woman? (To this day, one of the younger men in the department still is in awe that a woman gave Wayne expensive chocolates. He believes that underneath Wayne's quiet, unassuming exterior lurks a lady killer.)At this point I decided Wayne was messing with my head.Also, when I tried to give him back the key to his apartment, after he returned from his trip, he told me to keep it. All this other stuff aside, I think that's a good idea. He does live alone, and any number of incidents could occur when it's a good idea for a friend to have access to his home. I just found it unusual that he trusts me with a key to his apartment, fer crissakes! Turnabout is fair play. I gave him a key to my house, that came in handy last month when Wayne was helping me out while I was laid up with my knee. He was able to let himself in without me having to struggle to my feet and to the door. From here on, Wayne continued to spend lots of time with me, usually at my house. We talked a lot, about anything and everything. I know so much about him. I listen like a girlfriend. Most of the time, I'm really interested in what he's saying, but I do feign interest when he talks about his athletic prowess during his high school and college days and his early 20s. I flatter him, flirt with him and think of ways to please him. For his birthday in April, I gave him a domain name. (No, it's not wayne.com; that was taken. It's waynehislastname.com.) Wayne is framing my Broadway posters; claims to be working on assembling a birthday gift for me (my birthday was in June); has done repairs on my house. He likes being around me. We e-mail every day, speak F2F at work most days (sometimes I'm too busy to chat). At least one person has commented how fond Wayne is of me. I was most impressed with how Wayne acted during my recent knee injury. Most men run vanish when a woman is sick or injured. Not Wayne. He went grocery shopping for me, helped with laundry, took out the trash, fed the cats, sat with me and made me laugh, and in general behaved like a saint and took care of me. The $64,000 question: Why won't he make the step from friend to lover? Take 3 follows.Jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

2000-11-03 04:36:19 The Wayne Chronicles, take three

Take three: Analysis In our many deep conversations about past loves, Wayne revealed a great deal to me about his first and only love, a woman he refers to as PB, short for Psycho Bitch. She and Wayne met in college, started dating. They were both virgins when they first had sex. After college, she and Wayne lived together for a year. After Wayne got a job in another state, he moved, but they continued to have a long-distance relationship. Ultimately, the PB broke up with Wayne. They had been together for four years. Wayne told me that one of his friends called him BC, for Basket Case, for months after the breakup, because Wayne was so devastated. The PB had a volatile personality. She was moody, could pitch screaming fits, would pick fights out of boredom. Wayne says he never knew from one minute to the next how the PB was going to act. The PB would regularly embarrass Wayne in public, made demands of him while failing to give of herself, and in general provided a maddening roller coast ride of a relationship. Wayne said when it was good with the PB, it was heaven. The rest of the time was hell. Wayne has since had, in his words, healthier relationships with women. He knows that the PB wasn't normal. I think that he enjoyed the wild ride and perhaps is still looking for that kind of instability, because the highs were so high. One thing that Wayne always goes out of his way to mention is all the women he was involved with were very attractive. He says how men sometime become hostile with him, because he is such a nondescript guy, yet always had the company of lovely women. He has told me that other men are either in awe of him for attracting such women, or are furious that he could attract such women, as if he didn't deserve to be with a beautiful woman. I mention this because most times, I believe this is why Wayne hasn't pursued our friendship to the next logical step. I'm not beautiful, I'm not pretty, I'm not attractive, I'm not even cute. I'm downright ugly. It's not lack of self-esteem that makes me say this; it's simply a fact. I was stunning as a teen-ager, attractive up to age 26, when I started to put on serious weight. Even then, I was borderline cute in my 30s. Now, at 48, I'm a fat, wrinkled, baggy-eyed, middle-aged hag. I'm OK with this. I learned a long time ago that physical attractiveness is fleeting, shallow and no way to judge a person. I feel sorry for the women and men who base their self-worth on what's outside rather than what's inside.I also understand that men are what they are. Men want pretty, men want thin, men want a woman who makes them hard when they look at them. I was that woman for a short time in my life, and sadly, I did not know enough to take advantage of it.Just because I am honest about my physical appearance doesn't mean I don't think I'm sexy, that I don't know I have an inner beauty, that I don't think I deserve the love of a good man. I do. I had sincerely hoped that Wayne would be one man who would see through what's on the outside and revel in what I offer him: love, wild sex, and a lot of fun.A few other thoughts: Wayne is not dating anyone, has not since he arrived here. I'm curious as to why he spends so much time with me when he could be out with women he finds attractive.Also, Wayne did mention that one of his relationships was with a woman he worked with (not here). He said they started out as friends, but there was this "tremendous chemistry" between them and they succumbed to the desire. There ensued, he told me, several months of "incendiary" sex.Eventually, though, they both realized the relationship wasn't working, and broke up. They still had to continue working together, and that made things awkward.I also had a work relationship that ended very badly. I told Wayne all about, it in teary detail.So sometimes I think Wayne doesn't pursue me as a lover because he fears hurting me and getting hurt and making things weird while we work at the same place.There it is. The whole, sordid story. Because, nearly a year ago, Wayne rejected the notion of us taking the relationship to the next level, I'm not going to risk rejection again, and that includes jumping him and giving him a blow job. That probably would destroy our friendship, and I'm not ready to give that up, no matter how horny I am.Wayne knows I'm interested, so if he wants me, he'll make the move. But I've pretty much despaired of that happening.Jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-11-04 04:43:21 peacemaker
I must have mistyped my password above.

2000-11-04 10:56:07 Bernadette099
Hi Jene, glad I checked in when I did. I agree with Peacemaker. Work boundaries are important. I think what people say is true. Once sex enters the relationship, the best friend scenerio changes also. Not to say they both have not worked out and sometimes, the best friend thing is a stronger base then if a person starts with the sex. You two do have a relationship that is emotionally closer than most married people, like Peace said. That is almost more important than the sex. I know, easy for me to say...but that is one thing that Eddie and I did not have. Now, we are working on that and it has been a year. I think you are a very courgeous woman. You have a soul and a spirit that many people envy. I know sometimes, that does not sound like enough. I am proud to have you as my friend.

2000-11-06 14:02:24 jinxaspen
I am impressed w. your strength. ~JWA

2000-11-06 19:52:58 Authentic Woman
WOW~!I am really impressed with you....always have been, but I'm glad you shared YOU with all of us. Self esteem and self worth is a trait that many of us don't have and wish that we did! I wouldn't give up on good ol' W2. In fact, I am impressed with him at this point as well. As you know, I was none too happy with him in the past, but you have redeemed him to me. Maybe you should make the first move.....but than again, what do I know? AW

---End notes---

2000-11-06 21:19:29 Boundaries

Two people talked about boundaries in my friendship with Wayne. Violating work boundaries could hurt him and me, and make others we work with uncomfortable. I remember when two co-worker friends of mine had an affair. The man was married, and left his wife and two little children to move in with my other friend. They broke up after only a few months and the man moved back with his family. My other friend was devastated, hurt and furious. They still had to work together and things were strained, even ugly, until the woman got a job elsewhere. I won't even go into the sordid details of when my work relationship ended. It was more than 20 years ago, and I can still feel the pain and humiliation.And two people talked quite eloquently how Wayne and I have an emotional intimacy that perhaps transcends sexuality. I agree; we share a closeness that I haven't felt in decades. We can talk about anything and we can be completely honest with one another. We don't judge, we don't criticize, we're supportive. And we laugh. I would rather be with a man who makes me laugh than a rich, handsome, humorless man.I'm lucky to have this relationship. I'd like it to be more carnal (and thanks to Authentic Woman, I'm hornier than ever today), but I won't give up what Wayne and I have until I have to.Speaking of Wayne, he and I talked on the phone early this morning for four hours. Among the topics discussed: work, clothes, grooming, intelligence, poetry, philosophy, college, respect, art, photography, trailer trash, honesty and masturbation.OK, I'm not completely respecting the work boundaries. It's all Authentic Woman's fault, posting that erotic story.jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-11-07 08:17:04 Authentic Woman
*sheepish grin*.....I say to hell with the boundries.....you seem to have a better relationship with Wayne than most married people have. Hell, Red doesn't even know that I masterbate (and will continue until I am having sex of some sort)....in fact I have recvd a new magazine from 'good vibrations' and shortly I will be the PROUD owner of the plug-in variety of sex.....a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. What the fuck tho.....who woulda thought that a peice of rubber with a beaver sitting on top of it would cost $85????? Give this Wayne thing some time. I am envious of that relationship you have with him! Honestly my friend. AW

---End notes---

2000-11-07 22:28:06 Power

Authentic Woman wrote quite eloquently about sexual power. The sense of power and control that comes with giving the ultimate pleasure to another. She's right: It is incredibly thrilling to hear, see and feel one's partner during sex. This is why I've never been a big fan of 1) 69 and b) simultaneous orgasm. I cannot concentrate on either giving or receiving during 69, and therefore miss out on both. And I want to be watching and listening as my man comes. I can't do that if I'm in the throes of orgasm myself. I was so impressed with AW's erotic fantasy because I know and hear about so many women who don't enjoy performing oral sex on their men. AW clearly enjoys it, as do I. Getting pleasure by giving pleasure is an acquired taste (tee-hee), to be sure. But nothing can compare to driving a man wild and being so close to the center of his pleasure. Thanks, AW. *** Exhausted, but too wired to sleep yet. I'm watching the election returns, after working 11 hours. Network problems and the usual cluelessness kept me hopping. And I've got to go back to work at 10 a.m. Wednesday. It'll probably be closer to 11 a.m. Had a brief F2F with Wayne this evening. He's trapped doing election graphics, and has to use the computer, which he's not supposed to do, as he's still healing from RSI and technically on limited duty. I hope he doesn't injure himself and set back his recovery, as he did last month. (I'm not the only person in this friendship who overworks to the point of injury.) I gave him my wrist braces to wear and brought him a brownie from the buffet. (Brownies have well-known healing powers.) I hope we'll get together early next week to test a wireless modem and get me a leaf blower. Just three more working days until vacation! Jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-11-08 07:16:09 Authentic Woman
*grin* thanks for the plug on my entry!!!! You know, I totally agree with you on the 69 position and the concentration factor. I want to be able to concentrate fully on the response of my partners (this 's doesn't neccessarily mean plural) reaction of their body. Now, I wouldn't rule out 69 to start out and just have fun, but I wouldn't use this position to 1)come to orgasm or 2)bring my partner to orgasm.....I want to be concentrated on as well. Peace, I know the above was you and I would like to ask a question if I might. You chose to marry your wife whom you love very much over your other partner that was sexually more varied(for lack of a better word), don't you miss that sensuality at times and do you think that it's possible to keep this passion alive in a 'long time marriage' such as yours? Obviously, it hasn't in mine, but I don't know that I would want to rule it out in all good marriages. Jane, hang in there with good ol' Wayne. I think that he has potential. Just make sure he's good enough for you. Sounds like you will be the one calling the shots tho. AW

2000-11-08 16:14:27 jinxaspen
can i have a brownie? ~JWA

2000-11-10 15:45:50 Asteri
Thank you for your comments. I really appreciate them. Enjoy your vacation and try to relax for a while. Love...

---End notes---

2000-11-12 03:00:19 Vacation

On vacation at last. Feels the same, like any other Saturday; I guess it won't hit me until Monday. The last days at work were hectic. The solution to the vexing network problem was finally found and implemented. Then the entire network crashed in between editions on Friday morning. A new director for information technology was named. I work in a different department, but must work closely with people in IT. But I escaped, however briefly, alive. I have lunch plans with a former colleague this week, and hope to schedule more social engagements. I got about three hours work done on the Web site. I am determined to get it posted before departing for Hawaii on Dec. 2. Other things on tap for this week: buy leaf blower and ride yard of leaves; get hair done; get car fixed. Those things, plus resting and working on the Web site should keep me occupied. This evening, Wayne and I will go to Home Depot for a leaf blower; then dinner, then drive around testing the range of a wireless modem. Yes, even though I am on vacation I am still doing work for my employer. Jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-11-12 16:23:14 Bernadette099
You need a vacation and hope you get one and to do some plesureable things just for you. Hawaii? Always wanted to go there. Stay in touch...Ineed some advise if you read my lst entry...any ideas..?

---End notes---

2000-11-13 10:23:28 Revelations

Got another peek into Wayne's head Sunday night. I had sensed this notion before, but this time I asked him point blank. He admitted that he is automatically emotionally invested when he has sex with a woman. His exact words were "I get so messed up" when sex is involved. We talked about his past lovers and his current, long-time lack of a girlfriend. Wayne said some women have told him he's "too nice." Geez, are there really women out there who believe there is such a thing as "too nice"? What the fuck is "too nice" anyway? What kind of deranged, misguided bimbo would criticize a man for being kind, attentive, and solicitous of her needs? Sorry, got on a rant there. It is unusual for a man to be emotionally invested in sex. Wayne also, jokingly most of time, talks about how sensitive he is. One girlfriend used to derisively call him Alan Alda. My current thinking is that Wayne has not pursued a sexual relationship with me because he's afraid I'll hurt him. That's pretty egotistical on my part, and I still think the work thing, plus the idea that he's not physically attracted to me, are also major factors. Wayne and I had a pretty deep conversation this time. I told him that I couldn't understand why he didn't have a girlfriend, I thought he was the "whole package" with his wit, charm, kindness, etc. I also told him that he was clueless about the way women see him, as I often say, this being a secret reference to the fact that he seems oblivious to my lust for him. I talked about my own long dry spell with the opposite sex, went on about how I believed it was solely because I was hideous looking. That really upset Wayne. He insisted that I was not hideous (there's a compliment), but that yes, most men want a certain physical type, along with a long list of other things, all of which I have. I responded that just because I was honest with myself about my physical appearance didn't mean I thought I was not sexy and not deserving of love from a good man. I also said that fact of life made me sad or angry or lonely sometimes, but it wasn't an overriding factor of dissatisfaction. I told Wayne I was glad I still had the desire, and still had the hope that a good man would see past my physical imperfections and appreciate me and love me for who I am. I teared up as I told Wayne that last part. I reveal as much of myself as I get him to reveal in these conversations, and this time the sadness came leaking out. Wayne said that finding love was difficult for "people like us." I'm not sure what he meant by that. Later, I thought how trying to find love in middle age is difficult because people accumulate a lot of emotional baggage in 40 or 50 years. This time Wayne revealed to me a fragility that I did not know existed in him. After he left, I felt extremely sad. Sad for him because he has been hurt so much and because he deserves so much more. Sad for myself for the same reasons. Sad for us because we are so right for one another, yet we cannot take that last step because we are both so afraid. jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-11-13 12:28:19 Fyresetter
this is very touching and beautiful writing. it is perfect, it reveals your soul. i have a really stupid idea, but it worked for me, once upon a time. i thought i was unattractive too and liked a guy at home who didn't respond much to me, but was my friend. like you, i was planning a vacation also. you are going to hawaii, right? i went off to jamaica...same type, hot and tropical. i decided if the opportunity showed itself i would have an affair, since i was on vacation. it did, i did, and it did so much for my self esteem. i came home from the vacation and never mentioned it, but i had a little secret smile...hahaha. anyway, you need to go have some fun, so do it and stop worrying for a while about relationships. when you stop worrying they start.
i'm not preaching, i just like you a lot and hope you will have a good time....

2000-11-13 19:47:36 Keana
Awww hon, Im sorry.... **hugs**

---End notes---

2000-11-14 04:18:58 Learning how to relax

Spent the first official day of my vacation doing work-related stuff. I had a speaking engagement at a local retirement residence about computers. I answered a few e-mails from work, including a plea from John for a Harris solution that apparently only I know. And I continued my efforts of Sunday night to get the Ricochet wireless modem to work. It won't hold a charge, so I'm sending it back. But I feel a little more relaxed. I didn't get up until noon, and I got to stroll around CompUSA and the grocery store without worrying about the time. I watched TV and played on the computer all evening. On Tuesday, I have nothing planned. Might try to vacuum the leaves and work on my Web site. There's something to be said for just lounging around. I'll hit a day spa just before I leave for Hawaii to get my legs and (ouch!) bikini area waxed. I might go earlier for massage and facial. It's time to pamper myself. I wrote about the emotional stuff Wayne and I discussed on Sunday. That was only part of our evening together. We had a great dinner at the Crack Pot, and struggled in vain with the wireless modem before heading to Home Depot for the leaf blower.When we got back to my place, there was a message on my answering machine from Karl, our co-worker and mutual friend who doesn't understand why, in his words, Wayne and I don't "get your freak on." I had Wayne call him back from my phone. Karl has Caller ID, so he thought it was me and was shocked when it was Wayne. Wayne also has a plan to goof on people at work. He always dresses very casually. I've never seen him in a tie, although Wayne claims he wore one his first day on the job. He also claims that he had two expensive suits, but forgot which dry cleaner he took them to. (Rolling my eyes at this point. How do you lose not one, but two suits?)Anyway, Wayne says when he buys another suit, he'll get dressed to the nines (tie, white shirt, wing tips, the whole nine yards; he claims he "cleans up" real good) and go to work. Our co-workers will assume that he's either been to a funeral (which he will quickly deny) or a job interview (which he will coyly refuse to confirm or deny). That will certainly start a buzz, given that the evil paper down the road is known to be actively courting him. And I'll get to see Wayne "cleaned up." ****Fyre wrote in a comment on a previous entry that I should use my vacation in Hawaii to have a fling. I have a good friend who strongly recommends that to women in general: to use time spent traveling far from home to have safe, casual sex. This, as Fyre says, is great for the ego, especially for women like me who don't believe they are physically attractive. My friend has done this literally all over the world; she's currently writing a book about women and sex on the road. I'm going to try to have lunch with her before I leave for Hawaii. Thanks, Fyre.Jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

2000-11-15 19:31:04 Lady of leisure

Been reading in others' diaries about horror stories will medical care. People without insurance, people with difficult HMOs (there's a redundancy) and people with diagnosed but difficult-to-treat illnesses.Fyre wrote that she knows when she's seriously ill, and turned out to have pneumonia. I'm like that, too. There are few things more important, health-wise, than knowing and being in touch with your body. I'll admit I'm a recovering hypochondriac, but I'm usually right about what I sense with my body. Whether I listen to what my body tells me is another story, as my knee injury proved. I'm thoroughly enjoying my vacation. I'm getting a lot done, but not overdoing it. I can just stop and pick up later, because I have so much free time. I could get used to this. I slept until noon. I used the leaf blower-sucker to suck up the mountain of leaves that had piled up on the side of the house. I hung some posters and pictures. I hauled a ton of useless stuff from the basement to the curb for bulk trash collection. I defragged my backup computer. I decluttered my office. It doesn't sound like much, and that's the point. I can relax and not wonder how I'm going to solve the next Harris bug, how I'm going to avoid prick boy, how to face the (l)users. Tomorrow, I'll have lunch with a friend. Lunch out like a normal, sane person. Not cafeteria food gobbled at my desk while I'm taking calls. I'm feeling pretty good. And there's still Hawaii!jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

2000-11-18 09:08:17 Pix and a suggestion

Will post more later. Just wanted to get these things down before another senior moment hits.A gentle suggestion: i've noticed people having trouble getting their names and passwords into the comments section. I use a program called Gator (www.gator.com) that, once set up, automatically pops up whever a form needs to be filled out on the Web. you just click the username and password you want (gator usually remembers which ones go with which sites) and the form is filled in. no misstyped passwords.has anyone had trouble communicating with the keyholder on this site? i sent two e-mails after they sent out one asking for suggestions for improvements. both bounced back as addressee unknown. i clicked on hyperlinks, so i couldn't have mistyped the address.finally, taking bernadette's lead, i have put pictures of myself online (children and easily frightened adults should NOT look). if you want to take a peek, send me an e-mail and i'll forward the link.jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-11-18 09:54:19 authentic woman
I want the link....!!!!!! AW

2000-11-18 16:11:57 Jane Skye So
Hi AW:
I have to e-mail the link, or rather the site if have the pix stored on does. i'll try to figure out how to post the link here.

---End notes---

2000-11-18 20:17:20 Deep thoughts

Been away from work for eight straight days. I'm enjoying the free time. I'm goofing off a lot, and I'm trying not to beat myself up about it. I'm getting a lot of sleep and rest. I feel more relaxed. Freeing my mind from the stresses of work has allowed other thoughts to creep in and roam around. I had hoped this would happen, that I could start thinking creatively about my future, but it's mostly uncomfortable, unpleasant thoughts. There's something to be said for the idea that I use work like a drug to avoid pain. Frankly, except for the stress of the job, I feel my life is pretty good. I'm marginally healthy, I'm not depressed, I have a good job, money in the bank, a beautiful home, hobbies I enjoy, friends and family who love me. So why I am haunted by bad memories, and why is my low self-esteem breaking through? Who knows? I'll not dwell on it now. I'll have plenty of free time in the next five weeks to contemplate my resurgent demons. On Thursday, I had lunch with Liz. She left my employer to work with the evil paper 40 miles to the south. She says she hasn't bonded with her new co-workers, and that the atmosphere there, while more professional and less dysfunctional, is more stilted. And it's been a year since she changed jobs, but Liz has been unable to sell her condo. Her commute is 75 minutes each way. Her condo is absolutely beautiful, in a lovely location, but the bottom dropped out of the condo market here five years ago. Now she's going to try to rent it out, and rent herself an apartment closer to her job. Liz worked with Wayne and me on the desk, and she's glad that we've developed a close friendship. She sympathizes that I want a more physical involvement, but pointed out that having a close friend is possibly more important than having a lover. I'm slowly getting stuff done around the house. I've got to take the car in on Monday or Tuesday, and I'm hoping that being trapped without transportation will motivate me to hunker down on house stuff. Among my hopes are to brutally sort through my clothes and give away stuff I haven't worn for more than a year. Then I need to brutally winnow the crap in the basement. And, of course, there's my Web site. I've made substantial progress; I sent Wayne three more pages to edit. I only have two more to write, and I'm adding the finishing touches to all the other pages. And it's 13 days until I start my trip. Two weeks from right now I'll be in San Francisco, having dinner with my mother, my brother, his daughter and his girlfriend. The next day will see Mom and me jetting to Maui. I can't believe Thursday is Thanksgiving. Where does the time go? I have no idea what I'm getting anyone for Christmas.Jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

2000-11-18 20:54:21 Pix

I'm having some trouble with the e-mail link to my photos. try this URL:http://photomail.photoworks.com/sharing/album.asp?Key=0985834536260707and I see that the keyholders here changed the typeface of the diaries, to a sans serif. it certainly is easier for these eyes to read.jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

---Notes---

2000-11-20 15:23:32 wanderlust
Whew! I read the first 20 pages or so then skipped to the last 20 or so. I'm glad you recapped your relationship with Wayne!

First, I want to tell you that your writing had me laughing, sitting on the edge of my seat, and feeling sad, all within a matter of minutes. I guess that's why you're a nationally published, award winning writer ;-)

I took a peek at your picture and honey, I have to tell you that you need to stop thinking of yourself as ugly! You are a very attractive woman! Your smile could light up a room.

One other thing I wanted to tell you is that from my own experience, cherish this friendship with Wayne and accept it for what it is. Maybe there is a lot of sexual tension between you two, but I think you would be better off if you did not risk this very special friendship by taking it to a sexual level.

Take your friend's advice while you are in Hawaii and I bet you will find it quite easy to attract someone for a night of furniture breaking sex (that was another of your lines that had me laughing!).

Now I have to go read the other diaries of the other people who posted here (AW and Bernadette come to mind - I may have to go back to see who else I wanted to read.)

A new friend -- Wanda

Diary backup, part 1

2007-03-30T19:46:00.000-07:00

After losing my diary when my hard drive crashed, I decided this was the way to go. I can add to this from anywhere and I can let others read my pathetic musings. Been pretty bored at work, and yet things are very stressful. So many changes, so much uncertainty. I fetl much relief once I got my DSL working and installed my second computer. Funny how important those things have become. Twenty years ago, I could not have imagined that my life would revolve around personal computers. As much as I want to use this diary to delve into deep thoughts, I hope I can the lovesickness that pervaded my lost diary. I am terribly ashamed of the things I wrote and felt. I sounded like the teen-agers who post on this site. But I'm a middle-aged woman and should know better than to give voice to a silly crush. Bad thoughts today: I shall die soon. I'll never make it to 50. Therefore I need to get going on writing people about how I feel about them. I would hate to shuffle off this mortal coil without letting several people know how very important they've been to me, how much they're contributed to my life. But most days I can't get dressed before noon. I only stagger out of bed to compulsively check my e-mail. If I'm not at my computer or in bed, I'm in my easy chair watching ZDTV or Comedy Central and eating Dove ice cream bars. What a life.

2000-04-25 21:34:00

So I've been reading the entries of other diaryists my age. As I expected, the men are sexist pig bastards and the women are alone and lonely. I'm trying to get a sense of ground rules. Do I put first names? Do I identify my occupation, my employer, my hometown? I've got things pretty well covered up, and the likelihood of anyone I know linking me with this diary is remote. So first names are OK. Occupation, probably. After that, it gets dicey. Hometown and employer could provide the link. But I'm doing this because I'm an exhibitionist. And I'm doing it to help myself. Even at middle age, there's much I can learn, and I still hope to find happiness, love and orgasms. This online diary will map my journey. And I guess I'll get the mydearydiary.com e-mail address, in case anyone feels moved to write to me. Mostly, though I want to get a grip on my feelings. I've been pretty screwed up lately, with the job, my asshole boss and my unrequited lust for a co-worker fogging my already demented brain. My lost diary started because of the feelings I had for my co-worker. I feel those urges starting to abate, but I'm still fantasizing about him and still spending way too much time e-mailing and talking to him. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I still hold a faint hope that he will be overcome with lust and we'll have hot, sweaty sex. Of course, the object of my lust popped his head into my cubicle just as I was writing the above line. So maybe first names isn't such a good idea.

2000-04-26 20:58:00

Had a busy day at work for the first time in weeks. Helped several users with their laptops and helped update the Bloomberg terminals. It was good to be active for a change. Bad news: my chair broke. Back pain looms. But it's quiet now. And I'm closer to death than ever. The signs are there; I might not make it to my birthday or the end of the year. But I'm not upset enough to do anything about it, like exercise, or go back to the doctor for medication. Two years ago I was panicked at the thought of dying; now I'm resigned. I simply don't want to make the lifestyle changes necessary to live longer. Anyway, back to the idiotic and mundane. I'm still lusting after my co-worker. We're friends, really good friends, but he wants us to stay platonic. I think it's because he doesn't find me attractive. If I weighed 150 pounds less, we'd have been fucking like bunnies since December. Too bad. I want to get laid, and I think I'd be a terrific girlfriend for this man. We'd be really good together in many ways, because we're good together already. It's nice that I have the slightest hope of a man finding me attractive. Until recently, I would just fantasize, often about men I only had a passing friendship with. Now I'm in full lust over someone I spend a lot of time with. We've shared, we've laughed, we've been honest. He's about my best friend these days. And I should be grateful for that. Friendship is something that has been missing in my life for some time, since Sharon pulled back after she got married several years ago. I would call her about twice a year; she never called me, and although she was always glad to hear from me and we'd talk for hours, I've started to feel that after nearly 35 years, that friendship has run out of steam. And I truly miss having a close female friend. The object of my lust, and my other good work friend, Karl, are fun, but I need the interaction and closeness and sharing that can only occur between two women. How I've longed to discuss my lusting with another woman. Karl is the only person on this earth who knows about my feelings for this man, and while he's had some interesting insights, he's not a woman. We're talking two different languages. I remember one of the best times of my life was when Mary, Gail and I were all here at the office. What a fabulous thing that was, to have two close friends, whom I had known before I got the job here, sharing my work life and personal life. We were always at one another's homes, and were intricately bound in one another's lives. That lasted less than two years, and I haven't had the same friendships since. So now I spend far to much time alone, not even going to the gym or walking anymore. I find great comfort in my cats and my beautiful home, and I wouldn't necessarily describe myself as lonely. I remember the pain of loneliness that tormented me after my divorce and my breakup with Bill. I was out of my mind from being alone and I felt I had no friends. That wasn't true, and I know now that I confused loneliness with severe depression. So I say I'm not lonely and not depressed. But in fact I have the classic symptoms: weight gain, lack of energy, sleeplessness, failure to find pleasure in things I once enjoyed, such as professional baseball, live theater and music. Getting laid wouldn't make any of these bad feelings go away. If anything, being in a physically intimate relationship would intensify my fears and insecurities. And I'd have another person's fears and insecurities to worry about as well. But damn, I still want a few screaming orgasms.

2000-04-27 19:28:00

Such a dreary, rainy day. It was all I could do to get out of bed to come to work. I can't believe it's this late in April and I'm still using the electric blanket. No sense of death today. Good. Work does have strange effects on me. I'll still restoring my home computer setup to its former glory, as well as configuring the new machine. Intel will be rolling out a completely wireless home networking system. Gottahaveit. Intel also has now a 10Mbps USB home networking system. I feel the need for speed! I might get that rather than be another beta tester for a new product. I was going to upgrade one of my AnyPoint units to USB anyway, so I might as well get the speedy model. Of course, add this to the computer, ZIP drive, Webcam, CD-RW and I've put about $2,000 on my AMEX blue card. What the hell. I want toys! It's not as if I don't have enough money saved toward retirement and for emergencies. It's not as if I'm not putting 15 percent of my gross pay away in my 401(k). I doubt few people in this newsroom have that kind of savings rate. I'm listening to yet another recording of "Jesus Christ Superstar." I never get tired of hearing "Heaven on Their Minds." John L. and I discussed spirituality this afternoon. He has said in the past that I'm among the most spiritual people he knows. Hell of a thing to say to an atheist. But I allowed as how I'm willing to accept other people's experiences with God as valid. John believes, as do I, that any chance of my embracing spirituality was beaten out of me in 12 years of Catholic school. Well, duh! But I also think my natural cynicism would have led me to the same state I'm in. I just can't get my mind around the idea of supreme beings. Nor can I see any evidence of an afterlife. Crap. Link between Harris and SII is down and the (l)users expect me to do something just because I'm a systems editor. The poopster is en route to Florida, and Annd knows nothing. tech support has been summoned. And dinner is late and I couldn't even order what I wanted. What a fine whine this entry is.

2000-04-28 18:53:00

At last, it's Friday. The house stinks because the cat litter seems to have lost its odor absorbing properties. Gotta buy more, and Dove bars, after work. I hope to bolt in 90 minutes. Was kept moderately busy. Users are nagging me for special keyboards and mouses. The poopster doesn't want them to have special devices. I gotta talk with the nurse, she's never been sympathetic to the cause of the working wounded. But I'll forge ahead, because I exist only to serve. The uncertainty at work still torments me. The newsroom starts moving to the second floor next weekend. I shall be in the last group to move. I'll be stuck on the fifth floor with the other dregs, alone in the creepy, vacant space. Still, it's just for four weeks. I'm looking forward to playing with my toys this weekend, assuming I can drag myself out of bed in daylight. I've starting looking for templates to revamp my Web site. I've set a deadline of August, the three-year anniversary of my first posting, to get the new and improved site up. Must do my first online bill paying this weekend. Direct deposit finally kicked in for my online bank. Still having erotic fantasies about my co-worker. I'm afraid to write his name, because if he ever stumbled upon this, he'd know himself immediately. Even without naming him, he could probably discern himself from the clues and my writing style. He fuels most of my masturbation fantasies. I imagine frolicking in his chest hair, and us sharing long, slow, deep kisses. I imagine us naked together, flesh to flesh, our hands all over one another. I imagine how his mouth and tongue would feel on my nipples, my neck, my pussy. I imagine how he would taste as I devoured his throbbing penis. I imagine how he sounds and looks when he comes. Alas, I shall probably never know. I am jealous of the other women who have been lucky enough to get some from this man. I am sad that he finds me so unattractive that he won't do me. I am furious that I was cursed with this fat, ugly body. You can't always get what you want. And if this is the biggest disappointment I suffer in the rest of my life, I'll be a very lucky woman. But damn, can't a girl get a little action? Even a fat, ugly, middle-aged girl?

2000-04-29 04:38:00

Well, fuck. I just spent about 10 minutes writing, hit the wrong key, and now it's gone. Gotta remember to CTRL A and CTRL C every few sentences. I was writing about my sick relationship with W2. It's sick on my side. He is either completely oblivious to my sexual feelings or is simply ignoring them. I saw through AIM that Wayne is online, has been online for more than an hour, but hasn't responded to the e-mail I sent him around midnight. My spying on him through IM creeps me out. I can't believe I've stooped this low. On Sunday, W2 is meeting a woman in D.C. who is a friend of his sister's. We joked about him hitting on her. But he seems eager for this date. This brings up the fear that I will be dumped. Ironic, because W2 and I are not dating and we're not lovers, although I desperately want to get it on with him. I spend a great deal of thought and fantasy on him, not to mention tbe IM spying. We talk at work every day, we exchange e-mail regularly, we get together at one another's homes, we order in pizza, we go out for dinner. W2 has done minor repairs in my house. I set up his computer. He gave me the key to his apartment and I used his computer and copied some of his CDs while he was on away on vacation. It would seem to the casual observer that we're dating. But we're not. W2 goes out of his way not to initiate any physical contact with me, although he doesn't shrink from any that I initiate. Not that I'm talking heavy petting; I mean, W2 never pats me on the back, or gives me a playful punch to the shoulder or even kisses me goodbye on the cheek. So I give him gifts, like Godiva chocolates, and continue to spend way too much time with him and thinking about him, all in the hope that his feelings for me will turn from friendship to lust. Ain't gonna happen, though, because I'm too fat and ugly. I haven't been honest with him about my feelings. I fear that if I am it will ruin our friendship, and for now, I'm willing to take this over nothing. And I'm not so certain that being honest about my feelings is in his best interest or mine. Just checked IM again andhe's signed off. So I gotta check my e-mail to see if he responded to my e-mail of around midnight. How sick is that? You'd think I was 15 instead of 47.

2000-04-30 03:50:00

W2 is online right now, has been for more than two hours. Except for a group forward of a stupid Web site, he's not responded to the very long e-mail I sent him early Saturday. I get upset when he doesn't e-mail me every day. That's pretty sick. In it I talked about an idea that's been gaining acceptance in my overworked brain. I have more than six weeks of vacation accumulated. What if I took that all at once in September and October? I could use the stock option money to go to Hawaii as I had planned to do this spring and/or I could take in a few shows in New York. This would give me a good chunk of time off without having to dip into my savings. It's also a short enough time that management would have a hard time saying no, even if John L. gets the promotion he's seeking and I'm the only one left in news systems. Six weeks off! Six weeks away from hell. Six weeks to exercise every day, read, write, go to movies, get enough sleep. It's sounding better and better all the time. I spent most of today lounging around. I downloaded and installed quite a lot of software on the new machine, which took forever because it's still on dialup. Got two calls from work. Damn (l)users can't leave me alone even on the weekend. I've been putting off paying my bills, but I gotta do it today. I'm eager yet nervous to tackle online bill-paying for the first time. And there's W2. He'll be heading to D.C. in 12 hours to meet a woman friend of his sister's. My nightmare is that they'll immediately be smitten with one another and he'll spend all his time off and e-mail and chat time with her. Then I'd be completely alone. I would never have believed this was possible. I'm not even dating this man and I will probably end up getting hurt. Only I could pull that stunt off! I have all the disadvantages of dating with none of the advantages. Pretty sick that I've managed to do this to myself. Gotta call to see a shrink on Monday. This can't continue. I've hit a new low in self-abuse. My other hope is that W2 will make good on his constant threats to quit and I won't have to see him every day. I think that would get him out of my system. That's part of where this idea of taking a leave first came up. I want to get away from work, natch, but W2 is one of the things that makes work so stressful. Damn, I'm one sick puppy. Letting a man affect me this way, and I'm not even getting laid for my trouble! I still think about telling him how I feel and "breaking up" with him, in the sense of no more e-mail, chats and "dates." That would give me a false sense of control, but nothing else good would come of it. I still feel the way I feel and I need to find out why I hate myself so much that I've allowed myself to be wrapped up in this nonexistent relationship. I had a similar crush on John L. when we first started working together. I knew nothing would come of it because he's married. But while in the throes of the crush, I did things at work just because I wanted to please him. I'm past that crush, and except for a few lurid fantasies, I believe the whole episode was harmless. This thing with W2, however, is perverse. He told me in December that he only saw us as being friends. He made his feelings clear then, and his actions (save a few notable exceptions) have upheld his platonic-only feelings. But I continue to flirt with him, make myself available to him, and do things for him that a normal woman would only do for a lover. In my darkest hours, I think W2 is fully aware of how I feel and is just using me because he enjoys the attention and other benefits. But deep down, I don't think he's capable of being such a prick. I guess he really thinks it's perfectly normal for a woman to give him candy, call him, spend lots of time with him, give him carefully thought out gifts, flatter him and feign interest in his stories no matter how many times she's heard them before, and smile like a idiot whenever he's around and not have any sexual or romantic feelings. If he does believe that, he's a true dolt. No man is that naive about women. Because of this, also in my darkest hours of low self-esteem, I realize that W2 simply doesn't see me as a sexual being, so none of that stuff occurs to him. That hurts me the most. I'd rather than he was knowingly use me than find me so repulsive that he can't see making love to me. But it's the most likely scenario. I'm such a hideous freak that no man, let alone someone as nice as W2, would want me.

2000-04-30 13:53:00

It's a beautiful Sunday. I need to get outside. But I've been doing some thinking and I wanted to get it written down while the feelings are still fresh. I got a very proper, all business e-mail from W2 dated at 1 p.m. today I also got the nightly Harris update from Jay, which was dated just before 10 a.m. today. It seems unlikely that Jay would be sending work e-mails at 10 a.m. on Sunday, so I'm guessing that both might have been delayed in the Internet ether for several hours. If not, the fact that W2 is up and conscious at 1 p.m. indicates he is making a Herculean effort to meet this woman in D.C. My fears are intensifying that W2 will be smitten by this woman, and vice versa, and I'll be left out alone in the cold. But I wanted to write this because I'm finally ready to admit it to myself: I'm in love with W2. I think about him all the time, I do things that I hope will please him, I early await e-mails and his visits to the RISH, and I cherish the time we spend together. How sick is that? I'm just a pal, a buddy to him. He walks around in a t-shirt and sweatpants and barefoot when I'm at his place, he thinks nothing about showering while I'm there, and barely makes an effort to clean his apartment. I'm about as sexual to him as Karl is. And I decided that if W2 does quit, I'll tell him the truth and stop spending time with him. But it's looking like W2 will be making the first move, if this date with his sister's friend works out today. I think W2 is hoping it will. Of course, I'm letting my sick imagination get the best of me. I'm not even sure where this woman lives; it certainly isn't around here if she's spending the week in a hotel in D.C. And she's grieving the death of her long-time boyfriend. She might be too wounded for anything to happen. But it doesn't matter. I'm spending way to much time obsessing over this. I've got to deal with the fact that I've allowed myself to fall in love with a man who doesn't love me. I feel truly pathetic and wonder if other people know and are snickering at me or pitying me behind my back. I'm reminded of a woman at work in Dallas, who was madly in love with a man who had no interest whatsoever in her and in fact was secretly dating another woman whom he eventually married. Everyone knew about the woman's feelings for this man, and knew they were unrequited, and tsk tsked about her behind her back. Is that what I've been reduced to? Man, I really hate myself now. I need help. First thing Monday, gotta call the HMO and get an appointment with a therapist. On an unrelated note, I see that apparently some other people have been reading my diary. Kinky. I don't see how anyone could find this childish whining remotely interesting. But I did get an e-mail address in case anyone is moved to communicate with me. Jane_Skye_So@mydeardiary.com Let the flames begin!

2000-04-30 23:32:00

Whew! Just finished my first session of online bill paying. In opening my mail, I discovered to my horror that I had not paid my car insurance. I think it's still in force until Thursday. But I was so certain that I had paid it that I didn't even look at the termination notice I received, thinking it was the second half of the bill. So I made a frantic call to my agent, but only got voice mail. I left a message and I hope to hear from him first thing in the morning. I'll drive my check over to his office on my way to work. Damn! This shows how stress from work is affecting my life. Of course, I've been procrastinating something fierce. I don't open my mail for days at a time. I only pay bills every other week. I guess the latter is OK, but I've gotta open the mail every day. I would have caught this a lot sooner. After putting it off for weeks, online bill paying proved to be relatively painless. I had to enter every bill, every account number, every address, but once that's done, I won't have to do it again. I still had to write a few checks, such as for magazine subscriptions. But I intend to pay all my monthly bills online. Less check writing will save my hands and postage. Man, I love the Internet! Waiting anxiously for W2 to log on. Part of me truly hopes he has a good time and this is the beginning of a wonderful relationship for him. Part of me wants him to come back unchanged. I don't want to lose our sick relationship. Bummer. No matter what happens, I'll be miserable. If he finds a girlfriend, I'll be brokenhearted. If he doesn't, I continue to torture myself in this twisted friendship until he quits and we don't have to see each other every day. Regardless of what happens, I've got to get my shit together. I need to meet with a shrink, not only because I'm nuts, but because my Prosac scrip is running out. I've got to start exercising. I need to buy clothes for the summer. Even if my work life sucks, I can do so much better outside that hell hole. I have a beautiful home, state-of-the-art computer equipment, and enough money to indulge in my toys. If I didn't waste so much time obsessing about W2, I'd actually have a pretty nice life. I don't know why I'm letting my deranged fantasies about him spoil things.

2000-05-02 12:20:00

What a day at work. I started out two hours early training some of the users to access their work e-mail on the road. Then John L. tells me I have to create a database for the department secretaries to keep track of overtime. I don't know nothing about no stinking database! Then the e-mail administrators send me gibberish to explain the failures of Friday night. I came home early and fell asleep in my chair. People are starting to freak because the move to the second floor starts this weekend. Too many users don't understand that we're not purging the old system for months. And I'm still trying to procure ergonomic devices for the hurting users. W2 sent me brief e-mail about his day in d.c. He talked about walking too much on a beautiful day. Nothing about the woman he was with. I was unable to discern any evidence that any sparks flew. I feel stupid about my obsessings. While W2 and John and I were talking in the cube, I fantasized about doing W2. Frankly, I wouldn't mind doing John and W2 at the same time. But that's just disgusting. I watched W2 while he was talking. I imagined, as I frequently do, him naked in my bed. I'm caressing his hairy pot belly, kissing my way down his sternum, pausing to stick my tongue into his navel. My hands and tongue make a leisurely trip to his crotch. I'd nuzzle his pubic hair with my nose, and my fingers would lightly trace his balls. I'd spend considerable time licking and sucking his rock-hard dick. My mouth would lavish the kind of attention on his cock that I usually reserve for Dove ice cream bars. W2 would gasp, and pull me up to his mouth for a deep kiss. "I won't last much longer if you keep doing that," he'll whisper to me. I'll smile, then straddle him, quickly taking his cock deep inside me. His eyes will roll and he'll moan, struggling to keep control. I'll lean over him so my huge breasts dangle over his face. He'll take one in both hands, and bring my taut nipple to his mouth. W2 will slowly tantalize my exquisitely sensitive nipple with his tongue, gentling licking and running his tongue around the nub. I'll arch my back, trying to press more of my flesh into his mouth as I spasm around his throbbing dick. W2 will fall back on the pillow, his hips thrusting faster and faster as he pounds up into me. He's close to the edge, and I lift myself up so I can watch his face when he climaxes. Finally, W2, eyes squeezed shut, opens his mouth in a low moan as he comes. I grin as I watch him explode from the pleasure I've given him. But I digress. jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

2000-05-02 19:15:00

Things went to hell in a handbasket at work. I'm forced to act as interpreter between user and database administrator. It'd be easier if the two just talked to one another, but that would make too much sense. I talked a user in Jerusalem through a four-hour download of IE 4.01 with 40-bit encryption. Main site Internet access went down. Users freaked. One got on my last good nerve and I yelled at him. D.C. user bites my head off. I bite back. Roving user complains because remote e-mail access doesn't have all the features of the on-site client. She finds it too much trouble to type in Yeah, it'd be nice if I could install all programs, databases and T1 lines on a Cd-ROM so that every user could have access to everything everywhere on any computer, but that ain't gonna happen. Deal with it. Louisville user is concerned because his laptop's fan runs all the time while on ac power and the unit is unusually hot. He not only finds this annoying, but believes that the unit is in imminent danger of bursting into flames. (I am not making this up.) Wants me to send him another power supply. I refused. In the middle of this chaos, user wants me to walk him through renaming his searches. I told him I had more important things to do. Good thing i'm off on Wednesday. one more pompous, drop-everything-cuz-i'm-more-important-t

han-you (l)user cow-orker in my face and i would've gone postal. serenity now! I'll be getting my hair done and see "MacBeth." What a relief. Jane_Skye_So@mydeardiary.com

2000-05-03 05:13:00

So it's nearly dawn. W2 has been online for more than three hours. I was a major bitch on wheels at work, although most of the (l)users had it coming. Network, servers, Internet access all crashed. And the college-age son of one of the editors was in a hideous accident and is in a coma. Mercifully, I have today off. Gonna get my hair done (that'll eat up five or six hours, but I have a backlog of magazines to read). Downloaded SETI@home for the dialup computer. Might as well put the free Wed access to good use. Perhaps today I will install MS Office, the scanner, the ZIP drive, the Visor and the CD-RW, and get the Webcam to save video. And maybe W2 will make a booty call to me in a few minutes and we'll climax simultaneously doing 69 as the sun rises. W2 liked the Web sites I directed him to. He's continuing to struggle mightily with the new computer system and insensitive, clueless bosses. He keeps threatening to quit. The stock option money might be coming as early as next month. I fear he'll bolt then. The stress of the impending office move is getting to me, and I won't be moving for five more weeks. The vibes at the office are posirively brittle, with people snapping all over the place. I feel like Tweek in "South Park," all twitchy and jumpy. Man, what a hellhole. I seem to have a few visitors to this diary. Welcome. Let me know what you think. Esepcially let me know if you can identify me, my friends, family or co-workers from these entries. I don't want to get sued.jane_skye_so@mydeardiary.com

2000-05-03 16:49:00

Only have a few minutes. Just back from four hours of torture to get my hair done. I'd still rather have someone pulling on my hair for hours than be in the office. Anyway, my hair looks fabulous. W2 sent me an electronic greeting card in response to the electronic greeting card I sent him apologizing for being such a bitch at work on Tuesday. Ain't that sweet. Better he should drive over after work and make both of us forget our employment woes with some loud, furniture-breaking sex.Jane_Skye_So@mydeardiary.com

2000-05-04 12:07:00

Just back from seeing "MacBeth." I was in the front row, so close some of the actors spit on me. Several of the actors were chewing up the scenery, while the actor who played Malcolm was so laid back I thought he was stoned. I also saw a performance by a troupe called Shakespeare's Scum, which did a 20-minute parody of "MacBeth." They were hilarious! I rode the elevator down to leave the theater with three couples: one straight white couple, one straight black couple and one lesbian white couple. Each couple was holding hands and giving one another goo-goo eyes. They were all normal looking people, which confirms my belief that love and sex are only for the attractive and normal, not hideous freaks like me. Back to my fantasy life: I wrote a few pages back about a fantasy in which W2 and I climax simultaneously while doing 69 as the sun rises. I was, of course, being sarcastic. But also, I'm not a big fan of 69. (Surely there is another term for it.) I love giving oral sex, and I love receiving oral sex. I enjoy each activity so much that I want to give my full attention to it. With 69, I can't fully enjoy either one. I can't multi-task in bed. Same with coming together. I want to watch and feel my man's orgasm. Can't do that if I'm coming myself. For me (and most grown-ups) half the fun of sex is giving pleasure to my partner. Hearing his moans, feeling his muscles tighten, watching his body writhe, seeing the expression on his face -- that's as much of a turn-on as being kissed and caressed. But hey, I'm so horny I can't afford to be choosy. Sixty-nine? Bring it on! It was such a relief not to have to go to work today. But I'm sure hell has been on hold and will descend upon me full blast on Thursday.Jane_Skye_So@mydeardiary.com